Non-American families and your American teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an Indian immigrant. Kids were born here. Since this is a different culture than what I was raised in, I have paid a lot of attention in fostering a very diverse (racially and country of origin) group of friends for them. In our neighborhood and the schools (public magnets) most of their friends parents are also immigrants from around the world and while they all are from different cultures, in their own ways they are focussed towards the academics, EC family and cultural education of their children.

There is a lot of emphasis on skill-building, delegation of duties, focus on health, academics, collaborative work, learning a foreign language, playing a musical instrument, involvement in sports etc. Most of the families are UMC and traditional - heterosexual, college educated, married biological parents and white collar jobs.

The emphasis on family, socializing, education and ECs, coupled with a core group of diverse friends doing leisure activities together, and the constant supervision of parents - does not leave our children with too much time to get into other mischief. They are also getting a lot of positive reinforcement and dopamine kick from their own achievements and doing well.

All of this is well and good, but our entire lives are molded to serve and educate our children in a way that they are happy, healthy and succeeding.

Barf. I think I recognize this poster. You keep on bragging about how great your family life is and how great your kids are and how great your social life is.

Your posts come off preachy and holier than thou.

I say this as another Indian immigrant.

LOL. No one can help you if your life sucks. There are forums to consider if your kid is failing in school, you don't have friends, if your DH is a douche or if you don't make enough money. And no, you are not another Indian immigrant.

Lol, don't like what I said so I am not an Indian immigrant?

My life is just fine thank you.

With your preachy attitude, you would not even realize if your kids were being sneaky. I bet you want your kids to marry an Indian only, one who is a doctor or in IT? Your kids in STEM, not Humanities? Member of TANA? Andhra or Telangana? Mahesh Babu or Pavan Kalyan?

Wow! You seem very angry and bitter. Let me guess. Low SES? Dysfunctional family? Product of Halala? Tell me about your background and I can diagnose your mental illness.

Oh wow. I am not this PP, but your statement right here says so much more about you (negatively) than it does about that other PP.

I'm the person she quoted. There is no help for people like her who think they are superior to everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an Indian immigrant. Kids were born here. Since this is a different culture than what I was raised in, I have paid a lot of attention in fostering a very diverse (racially and country of origin) group of friends for them. In our neighborhood and the schools (public magnets) most of their friends parents are also immigrants from around the world and while they all are from different cultures, in their own ways they are focussed towards the academics, EC family and cultural education of their children.

There is a lot of emphasis on skill-building, delegation of duties, focus on health, academics, collaborative work, learning a foreign language, playing a musical instrument, involvement in sports etc. Most of the families are UMC and traditional - heterosexual, college educated, married biological parents and white collar jobs.

The emphasis on family, socializing, education and ECs, coupled with a core group of diverse friends doing leisure activities together, and the constant supervision of parents - does not leave our children with too much time to get into other mischief. They are also getting a lot of positive reinforcement and dopamine kick from their own achievements and doing well.

All of this is well and good, but our entire lives are molded to serve and educate our children in a way that they are happy, healthy and succeeding.

Barf. I think I recognize this poster. You keep on bragging about how great your family life is and how great your kids are and how great your social life is.

Your posts come off preachy and holier than thou.

I say this as another Indian immigrant.

LOL. No one can help you if your life sucks. There are forums to consider if your kid is failing in school, you don't have friends, if your DH is a douche or if you don't make enough money. And no, you are not another Indian immigrant.

Lol, don't like what I said so I am not an Indian immigrant?

My life is just fine thank you.

With your preachy attitude, you would not even realize if your kids were being sneaky. I bet you want your kids to marry an Indian only, one who is a doctor or in IT? Your kids in STEM, not Humanities? Member of TANA? Andhra or Telangana? Mahesh Babu or Pavan Kalyan?

Wow! You seem very angry and bitter. Let me guess. Low SES? Dysfunctional family? Product of Halala? Tell me about your background and I can diagnose your mental illness.

Oh wow. I am not this PP, but your statement right here says so much more about you (negatively) than it does about that other PP.

Oh wow. There are many reasons why people are angry. Their background is also a mail reason. Most venom against Indians (Mahesh Babu? Pavan Kalyan? Really?) comes from several kinds of people from all walks of life. How can we help this poor person if we do not understand her trauma? We could just think that she is a POS, but in reality she could be a victim of social-religious customs of her community.

Touched a nerve did I, with the Pavan Kalyan post. So, I was right about your background. Unfortunately you are so wrong with your guesses about me.

You are a racist with your halala comment.

FYI, I go to SSVT, lotus and Arcola drive. That tell you what I am?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every race has got some sh*t going on.

This^100%

+ 1 million

[Anonymous]

Why are we talking about collectivist cultures as if they are a monolith? Can you really compare Mexico with Pakistan? Both are collectivist cultures but couldn’t be more different in terms of values and child rearing techniques. This is such an idiotic discussion, unless OP specifies what she’s even talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are we talking about collectivist cultures as if they are a monolith? Can you really compare Mexico with Pakistan? Both are collectivist cultures but couldn’t be more different in terms of values and child rearing techniques. This is such an idiotic discussion, unless OP specifies what she’s even talking about.

+1 I agree. European and South American cultures are so vastly different from Middle Eastern and South Asian and Asian cultures, so this discussion is kind of pointless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a child of immigrants. Let me tell you how it feels from the child's perspective.

You as the parent want the child to take all the opportunities that this country provides and be successful. But, in the US, unlike most Asian countries, success doesn't rely solely on grades and test scores. A lot of success can come from social connections, and that can only come from integrating yourself in the culture and community.

You came here to provide a better life for your kids, just as my parents did. But, you cannot expect children to live like an American outside the home, but live like your heritage in your home. That's too hard. The kid will feel like they don't belong anywhere.

It is unfair for immigrant parents to expect the children to completely adhere to the norms of customs of a country that they don't even live in and aren't surrounded by when they are outside the house. And eventually, they will spend more time outside your house and out of your influence than in it.

Having stated that, I don't accept back talking from my kids. No way. But, they have more freedoms than I ever did, and that's ok as long as they care about their education, have goals, and are moral and responsible people.

You can teach your children about your culture; celebrate the holidays; teach them your language, but you cannot expect them to not be like an American in most ways. Again, that doesn't mean you let the kids be disrespectful, though I don't necessarily think that this is solely an American trait.

What do you define as backtalk? Can you give an example of what your red line looks like and how you handle it?

What one person might call back talk, another might say they are expressing themselves honestly. What one person might call a parent teaching responsibility and morality, another might call it oppressive and authoritarian.

It's the tone and manner of speaking. They can, of course, share their feelings and what they are thinking, but they are not allowed to get sassy or mouthy, and speak to me like I'm an idiot or like I'm their friend.

Moral and responsible may be subjective, but there are baseline thresholds. Treat others as you want to be treated; own up to your mistakes; be respectful of people as much as possible; be responsible with your things and not act entitled.

I have told them many many times since they were kids to be respectful of their teachers, even if their teachers are terrible. You don't have to like them, but be respectful as much as possible. I cannot imagine trying to teach kids who are completely disrespectful of me. My hats off to those teachers.

What this has to do with coming forms. Collectivist society is beyond me. I know countless disrespectful people from collectivist societies - just yesterday I had to speak to one who constantly talked over me, interrupted me and didn’t care what I had to say. That person couldn’t have been more disrespectful and on top of that kept addressing me as Mami, despite the fact I reminded her of my name several times during the conversation. She couldn’t even be bothered to remember my name for the few moments of our conversation.