Non-American families and your American teen

[Anonymous]

I’m wondering how other non-American families who come from more collectivist cultures navigate the teen years with their American teens.

[Anonymous]

My DH is non American and we have a 17yo. It’s been hell trying to navigate this. I (the wife) am American and DH comes from a very strict culture that demands respect of elders and gives harsh punishments to children.
DD and DH barely have a relationship at this point. DD sees him as extreme and irrational. His culture is just so different. In America respect for adults is earned, while in DH’s culture adults are simply entitled to respect.
It’s awful and enough to make me think question our marriage.
Good luck to you OP.

[Anonymous]

My ex and I are not American.
We make our DS pay visits to relatives even if he doesn’t want to.
We also explain that we don’t agree with certain approaches in American culture and offer an alternative.
So far he has been receptive. We are not too strict about it; it’s more about trying to be authority figures for him.
Hopefully he will be a little more resilient and less dramatic than many American teens around us.

[Anonymous]

I'm 2nd generation and my husband grew up in another country (my parents'). Even with being intimately familiar with both how my husband was raised, and how I myself was raised, it's really hard. I have empathy for my kids (likely a lot more than my DH or my parents) but at the end of the day, I cannot stomach the extreme individualism encouraged by this culture. It's become even worse than 30 years ago. The sheer lack of empathy for others outside your immediate circle is disgusting. I am strongly encouraging them to attend college outside this country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 2nd generation and my husband grew up in another country (my parents'). Even with being intimately familiar with both how my husband was raised, and how I myself was raised, it's really hard. I have empathy for my kids (likely a lot more than my DH or my parents) but at the end of the day, I cannot stomach the extreme individualism encouraged by this culture. It's become even worse than 30 years ago. The sheer lack of empathy for others outside your immediate circle is disgusting. I am strongly encouraging them to attend college outside this country.

What?

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty sure looking down on and sneering at the culture here doesn't contribute much to building and fostering a sense of community beyond your own little bubble.

[Anonymous]

Can I ask a question that I promise is sincere. I'm not trying to start anything...

I'm curious about the use of the term "non-American" here. Are people who are permanently residing here from other countries comfortable with that term? I would have thought "immigrant" was more appropriate. If somebody else had referred to their neighbor or acquaintance as "non-american" I would have considered it inaccurate and possibly offensive. But happy to learn something...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask a question that I promise is sincere. I'm not trying to start anything...

I'm curious about the use of the term "non-American" here. Are people who are permanently residing here from other countries comfortable with that term? I would have thought "immigrant" was more appropriate. If somebody else had referred to their neighbor or acquaintance as "non-american" I would have considered it inaccurate and possibly offensive. But happy to learn something...

This is part of it. We don’t get offended by every little thing.
-immigrant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure looking down on and sneering at the culture here doesn't contribute much to building and fostering a sense of community beyond your own little bubble.

DP, you are absolutely reading something into the OP's question that is not at all there.

[Anonymous]

I'm an immigrant (came as an adult) and I don't think Americans are lacking in community spirit. In fact, they are more charitable than most, and I have always found people helpful and very kind, warmer. Perhaps lack of connection is perceived because Americans do move more, including far away from family, so there is less stress on grandparent, cousin relations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask a question that I promise is sincere. I'm not trying to start anything...

I'm curious about the use of the term "non-American" here. Are people who are permanently residing here from other countries comfortable with that term? I would have thought "immigrant" was more appropriate. If somebody else had referred to their neighbor or acquaintance as "non-american" I would have considered it inaccurate and possibly offensive. But happy to learn something...

This is part of it. We don’t get offended by every little thing.
-immigrant

Stop speaking for everyone and get of What'sApp. All the aunties and uncles get all their misinformation from groups they follow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure looking down on and sneering at the culture here doesn't contribute much to building and fostering a sense of community beyond your own little bubble.

DP, you are absolutely reading something into the OP's question that is not at all there.

No but the follow ups are like that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is non American and we have a 17yo. It’s been hell trying to navigate this. I (the wife) am American and DH comes from a very strict culture that demands respect of elders and gives harsh punishments to children.
DD and DH barely have a relationship at this point. DD sees him as extreme and irrational. His culture is just so different. In America respect for adults is earned, while in DH’s culture adults are simply entitled to respect.
It’s awful and enough to make me think question our marriage.
Good luck to you OP.

LOL you married a conservative ass that thinks women are below men and you are now thinking this is a bad idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask a question that I promise is sincere. I'm not trying to start anything...

I'm curious about the use of the term "non-American" here. Are people who are permanently residing here from other countries comfortable with that term? I would have thought "immigrant" was more appropriate. If somebody else had referred to their neighbor or acquaintance as "non-american" I would have considered it inaccurate and possibly offensive. But happy to learn something...

I appreciate your curiosity and no offense taken. I framed it this way because I am including most other cultures that aren’t American since most share a lot of “old world” values. (I suppose “old world” by American standards.). I also stated it this way to emphasize the dichotomy that we experience. Finally, families experiencing this are not necessarily all immigrants. It can still be felt in 2nd and 3rd gen families as well as multicultural marriages - as we see from some of the PPs here.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who adultified her oldest because back in the home country, the oldest girl was expected to babysit and clean the house.

You are in America. The things you like about being here come with American culture. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. So don't frame it as "I don't like American culture". You can say "I don't like it when you are selfish" without comparing cultures