Non-American families and your American teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask a question that I promise is sincere. I'm not trying to start anything...

I'm curious about the use of the term "non-American" here. Are people who are permanently residing here from other countries comfortable with that term? I would have thought "immigrant" was more appropriate. If somebody else had referred to their neighbor or acquaintance as "non-american" I would have considered it inaccurate and possibly offensive. But happy to learn something...

This is part of it. We don’t get offended by every little thing.
-immigrant

PP here. Thanks appreciate the response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure looking down on and sneering at the culture here doesn't contribute much to building and fostering a sense of community beyond your own little bubble.

DP, you are absolutely reading something into the OP's question that is not at all there.

It was so obvious how this was going to go. Are you new here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure looking down on and sneering at the culture here doesn't contribute much to building and fostering a sense of community beyond your own little bubble.

DP, you are absolutely reading something into the OP's question that is not at all there.

It was so obvious how this was going to go. Are you new here?

I see exactly one response so far that says anything negative about American culture. And I think that thing is something that many people with families that have been here generations would agree with that assessment about lack of empathy and extreme individualism.

How exactly did you think it was going to go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering how other non-American families who come from more collectivist cultures navigate the teen years with their American teens.

I am an immigrant and personally have not had a difficult time with it, since I can at 16, and understand the culture fairly well. DH has had a MUCH more difficult time. We finally had a ‘Come to Jesus’ type conversation where I point blank told him that if he continued down the path he was on, he will have a child who as an adult, will never talk to him. He absolutely loves her, so is trying to do better. Being less judgmental, not so much nagging, more understanding of her POV, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 2nd generation and my husband grew up in another country (my parents'). Even with being intimately familiar with both how my husband was raised, and how I myself was raised, it's really hard. I have empathy for my kids (likely a lot more than my DH or my parents) but at the end of the day, I cannot stomach the extreme individualism encouraged by this culture. It's become even worse than 30 years ago. The sheer lack of empathy for others outside your immediate circle is disgusting. I am strongly encouraging them to attend college outside this country.

What?

How is this not obvious? Laws that support the individual rather than the collective abound here (lack of universal healthcare, gun rights, protection of minor offenders because they are minors, lack of really meaningful environmental protections).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask a question that I promise is sincere. I'm not trying to start anything...

I'm curious about the use of the term "non-American" here. Are people who are permanently residing here from other countries comfortable with that term? I would have thought "immigrant" was more appropriate. If somebody else had referred to their neighbor or acquaintance as "non-american" I would have considered it inaccurate and possibly offensive. But happy to learn something...

I'm a non-American. Not a citizen yet, but live here and have American children. I don't care whether someone call me non-American or an immigrant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I are not American.
We make our DS pay visits to relatives even if he doesn’t want to.
We also explain that we don’t agree with certain approaches in American culture and offer an alternative.
So far he has been receptive. We are not too strict about it; it’s more about trying to be authority figures for him.
Hopefully he will be a little more resilient and less dramatic than many American teens around us.

LOL, interesting.

I am from another country. And we have PLENTY of dramatic teens. I actually find a good number of American teens to be down to earth and resilient.

Which country are you from that you find American teens more dramatic?

[Anonymous]

American citizen but raised in South Asia. I am finding it difficult since the way I was raised is so different from how it is here. I cannot stand disrespect from kids and it is not something you see where I was raised. It causes a lot of fights in our home.

The things my kid gets away with, my parents would have abused the hell out of me for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I are not American.
We make our DS pay visits to relatives even if he doesn’t want to.
We also explain that we don’t agree with certain approaches in American culture and offer an alternative.
So far he has been receptive. We are not too strict about it; it’s more about trying to be authority figures for him.
Hopefully he will be a little more resilient and less dramatic than many American teens around us.

What’s the part you don’t agree with and what’s the alternative?

[Anonymous]

Very curious why someone reported a post that stated factually that in a work situation where I’m working with a dozen immigrants from Africa and South Asia at least 10 openly admit to using corporal punishment to control their children. That includes teens. Asked what I thought, I said it’s illegal no further discussion required.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask a question that I promise is sincere. I'm not trying to start anything...

I'm curious about the use of the term "non-American" here. Are people who are permanently residing here from other countries comfortable with that term? I would have thought "immigrant" was more appropriate. If somebody else had referred to their neighbor or acquaintance as "non-american" I would have considered it inaccurate and possibly offensive. But happy to learn something...

I am the child of immigrants and was going to write something about this - many of your "non-American" community members are immigrants who are American citizens.

[Anonymous]

I'm a little tired of "non-Americans" or "immigrants" living in America and constantly bashing it. If you don't like it, go home.

signed wife of someone who immigrated here as a 10 year old who agrees with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering how other non-American families who come from more collectivist cultures navigate the teen years with their American teens.

I am an immigrant and personally have not had a difficult time with it, since I can at 16, and understand the culture fairly well. DH has had a MUCH more difficult time. We finally had a ‘Come to Jesus’ type conversation where I point blank told him that if he continued down the path he was on, he will have a child who as an adult, will never talk to him. He absolutely loves her, so is trying to do better. Being less judgmental, not so much nagging, more understanding of her POV, etc.

This has happened in a way to my niece. My BIL is from Pakistan and, while he's a great guy, he's quite a bit more controlling of his kids. This was most true for his daughter (my niece). At any rate, as an adult in her late 20s, she'll pulling away more and more and making her own life far far away from her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering how other non-American families who come from more collectivist cultures navigate the teen years with their American teens.

I am an immigrant and personally have not had a difficult time with it, since I can at 16, and understand the culture fairly well. DH has had a MUCH more difficult time. We finally had a ‘Come to Jesus’ type conversation where I point blank told him that if he continued down the path he was on, he will have a child who as an adult, will never talk to him. He absolutely loves her, so is trying to do better. Being less judgmental, not so much nagging, more understanding of her POV, etc.

This has happened in a way to my niece. My BIL is from Pakistan and, while he's a great guy, he's quite a bit more controlling of his kids. This was most true for his daughter (my niece). At any rate, as an adult in her late 20s, she'll pulling away more and more and making her own life far far away from her parents.

This is happening with my BIL's daughter. He (immigrated here very young, but still with strong old country views) was very controlling and I think he thought she would stick around as the caretaker of the younger children. She finished her college degree and is pulling away. I stay out of it (because ILs, you know) but I'm secretly cheering for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little tired of "non-Americans" or "immigrants" living in America and constantly bashing it. If you don't like it, go home.

signed wife of someone who immigrated here as a 10 year old who agrees with me

As an immigrant, I agree. I don't think that attitude is really common though, most immigrants I know are happy to be here! The rich "expat" types are the annoying ones I encounter who find everything better back home.