Non-American families and your American teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very curious why someone reported a post that stated factually that in a work situation where I’m working with a dozen immigrants from Africa and South Asia at least 10 openly admit to using corporal punishment to control their children. That includes teens. Asked what I thought, I said it’s illegal no further discussion required.

corporal punishment by a parent is not illegal in either MD or VA.

If that’s your measure, you’re an abuser

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an Indian immigrant. Kids were born here. Since this is a different culture than what I was raised in, I have paid a lot of attention in fostering a very diverse (racially and country of origin) group of friends for them. In our neighborhood and the schools (public magnets) most of their friends parents are also immigrants from around the world and while they all are from different cultures, in their own ways they are focussed towards the academics, EC family and cultural education of their children.

There is a lot of emphasis on skill-building, delegation of duties, focus on health, academics, collaborative work, learning a foreign language, playing a musical instrument, involvement in sports etc. Most of the families are UMC and traditional - heterosexual, college educated, married biological parents and white collar jobs.

The emphasis on family, socializing, education and ECs, coupled with a core group of diverse friends doing leisure activities together, and the constant supervision of parents - does not leave our children with too much time to get into other mischief. They are also getting a lot of positive reinforcement and dopamine kick from their own achievements and doing well.

All of this is well and good, but our entire lives are molded to serve and educate our children in a way that they are happy, healthy and succeeding.

So basically you mold your lives around raising your children and your immediate family. Um, yeah, that’s very American. Don’t beat your children and contribute to society and most people will welcome you to being American.

This. But you can’t be homophobic either

[Anonymous]

The more opaque choices are tough: How much time is too much time with family? What does respect for parents look like? What does autonomy for teen look like? Culture will really influence how any of us answer these.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an Indian immigrant. Kids were born here. Since this is a different culture than what I was raised in, I have paid a lot of attention in fostering a very diverse (racially and country of origin) group of friends for them. In our neighborhood and the schools (public magnets) most of their friends parents are also immigrants from around the world and while they all are from different cultures, in their own ways they are focussed towards the academics, EC family and cultural education of their children.

There is a lot of emphasis on skill-building, delegation of duties, focus on health, academics, collaborative work, learning a foreign language, playing a musical instrument, involvement in sports etc. Most of the families are UMC and traditional - heterosexual, college educated, married biological parents and white collar jobs.

The emphasis on family, socializing, education and ECs, coupled with a core group of diverse friends doing leisure activities together, and the constant supervision of parents - does not leave our children with too much time to get into other mischief. They are also getting a lot of positive reinforcement and dopamine kick from their own achievements and doing well.

All of this is well and good, but our entire lives are molded to serve and educate our children in a way that they are happy, healthy and succeeding.

So basically you mold your lives around raising your children and your immediate family. Um, yeah, that’s very American. Don’t beat your children and contribute to society and most people will welcome you to being American.

This. But you can’t be homophobic either

Or racist or classist. And shut up about things in your home country. There. Are we clear?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a child of immigrants. Let me tell you how it feels from the child's perspective.

You as the parent want the child to take all the opportunities that this country provides and be successful. But, in the US, unlike most Asian countries, success doesn't rely solely on grades and test scores. A lot of success can come from social connections, and that can only come from integrating yourself in the culture and community.

You came here to provide a better life for your kids, just as my parents did. But, you cannot expect children to live like an American outside the home, but live like your heritage in your home. That's too hard. The kid will feel like they don't belong anywhere.

It is unfair for immigrant parents to expect the children to completely adhere to the norms of customs of a country that they don't even live in and aren't surrounded by when they are outside the house. And eventually, they will spend more time outside your house and out of your influence than in it.

Having stated that, I don't accept back talking from my kids. No way. But, they have more freedoms than I ever did, and that's ok as long as they care about their education, have goals, and are moral and responsible people.

You can teach your children about your culture; celebrate the holidays; teach them your language, but you cannot expect them to not be like an American in most ways. Again, that doesn't mean you let the kids be disrespectful, though I don't necessarily think that this is solely an American trait.

What do you define as backtalk? Can you give an example of what your red line looks like and how you handle it?

What one person might call back talk, another might say they are expressing themselves honestly. What one person might call a parent teaching responsibility and morality, another might call it oppressive and authoritarian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask a question that I promise is sincere. I'm not trying to start anything...

I'm curious about the use of the term "non-American" here. Are people who are permanently residing here from other countries comfortable with that term? I would have thought "immigrant" was more appropriate. If somebody else had referred to their neighbor or acquaintance as "non-american" I would have considered it inaccurate and possibly offensive. But happy to learn something...

I appreciate your curiosity and no offense taken. I framed it this way because I am including most other cultures that aren’t American since most share a lot of “old world” values. (I suppose “old world” by American standards.). I also stated it this way to emphasize the dichotomy that we experience. Finally, families experiencing this are not necessarily all immigrants. It can still be felt in 2nd and 3rd gen families as well as multicultural marriages - as we see from some of the PPs here.

But is it non-American? Is it foreign?
Non-conformist? Asian?

[Anonymous]

We were brought up in Pakistan in a rather conservative and Muslim society so learning curve of parenting in a different system and a secular society was confusing yet interesting. Imho what helped was not being mentally stuck on absolute supremacy of our own ways and being able to embrace positive change.

Ironically, our more conservative friends had very similar struggles as our conservative Christian, Hindu and Jewish friends did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a child of immigrants. Let me tell you how it feels from the child's perspective.

You as the parent want the child to take all the opportunities that this country provides and be successful. But, in the US, unlike most Asian countries, success doesn't rely solely on grades and test scores. A lot of success can come from social connections, and that can only come from integrating yourself in the culture and community.

You came here to provide a better life for your kids, just as my parents did. But, you cannot expect children to live like an American outside the home, but live like your heritage in your home. That's too hard. The kid will feel like they don't belong anywhere.

It is unfair for immigrant parents to expect the children to completely adhere to the norms of customs of a country that they don't even live in and aren't surrounded by when they are outside the house. And eventually, they will spend more time outside your house and out of your influence than in it.

Having stated that, I don't accept back talking from my kids. No way. But, they have more freedoms than I ever did, and that's ok as long as they care about their education, have goals, and are moral and responsible people.

You can teach your children about your culture; celebrate the holidays; teach them your language, but you cannot expect them to not be like an American in most ways. Again, that doesn't mean you let the kids be disrespectful, though I don't necessarily think that this is solely an American trait.

What do you define as backtalk? Can you give an example of what your red line looks like and how you handle it?

What one person might call back talk, another might say they are expressing themselves honestly. What one person might call a parent teaching responsibility and morality, another might call it oppressive and authoritarian.

It's the tone and manner of speaking. They can, of course, share their feelings and what they are thinking, but they are not allowed to get sassy or mouthy, and speak to me like I'm an idiot or like I'm their friend.

Moral and responsible may be subjective, but there are baseline thresholds. Treat others as you want to be treated; own up to your mistakes; be respectful of people as much as possible; be responsible with your things and not act entitled.

I have told them many many times since they were kids to be respectful of their teachers, even if their teachers are terrible. You don't have to like them, but be respectful as much as possible. I cannot imagine trying to teach kids who are completely disrespectful of me. My hats off to those teachers.

[Anonymous]

Parenting is difficult, more so if you do it in a different environment and in a system you aren't familiar with and doing it without a support system as young immigrants.

Our parents had it easier, raising kids in a homogeneous environment with a support network and a familiar system.

[Anonymous]

In our circle of teens, I don’t think there is as much conflict in this regard as you would think. Our teens (15 and 18) just hang out with small groups of friends, not late at night or sleeping over, and go to their many school activities. They’re not drinking or doing drugs. They’re not dating either. Most all of their friends are similar. And we’re white Americans. The teen years aren’t as wild as they used to be (or as they appear in the movies).

The only difference in approach to teens that I’ve seen so far is that some immigrant families do not want their kids to go away to college and would prefer they live at home and commute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an Indian immigrant. Kids were born here. Since this is a different culture than what I was raised in, I have paid a lot of attention in fostering a very diverse (racially and country of origin) group of friends for them. In our neighborhood and the schools (public magnets) most of their friends parents are also immigrants from around the world and while they all are from different cultures, in their own ways they are focussed towards the academics, EC family and cultural education of their children.

There is a lot of emphasis on skill-building, delegation of duties, focus on health, academics, collaborative work, learning a foreign language, playing a musical instrument, involvement in sports etc. Most of the families are UMC and traditional - heterosexual, college educated, married biological parents and white collar jobs.

The emphasis on family, socializing, education and ECs, coupled with a core group of diverse friends doing leisure activities together, and the constant supervision of parents - does not leave our children with too much time to get into other mischief. They are also getting a lot of positive reinforcement and dopamine kick from their own achievements and doing well.

All of this is well and good, but our entire lives are molded to serve and educate our children in a way that they are happy, healthy and succeeding.

So basically you mold your lives around raising your children and your immediate family. Um, yeah, that’s very American. Don’t beat your children and contribute to society and most people will welcome you to being American.

This. But you can’t be homophobic either

Or racist or classist. And shut up about things in your home country. There. Are we clear?

Huh? What is wrong with you? No wonder your kids back talk get out as soon as they can

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an Indian immigrant. Kids were born here. Since this is a different culture than what I was raised in, I have paid a lot of attention in fostering a very diverse (racially and country of origin) group of friends for them. In our neighborhood and the schools (public magnets) most of their friends parents are also immigrants from around the world and while they all are from different cultures, in their own ways they are focussed towards the academics, EC family and cultural education of their children.

There is a lot of emphasis on skill-building, delegation of duties, focus on health, academics, collaborative work, learning a foreign language, playing a musical instrument, involvement in sports etc. Most of the families are UMC and traditional - heterosexual, college educated, married biological parents and white collar jobs.

The emphasis on family, socializing, education and ECs, coupled with a core group of diverse friends doing leisure activities together, and the constant supervision of parents - does not leave our children with too much time to get into other mischief. They are also getting a lot of positive reinforcement and dopamine kick from their own achievements and doing well.

All of this is well and good, but our entire lives are molded to serve and educate our children in a way that they are happy, healthy and succeeding.

Barf. I think I recognize this poster. You keep on bragging about how great your family life is and how great your kids are and how great your social life is.

Your posts come off preachy and holier than thou.

I say this as another Indian immigrant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an Indian immigrant. Kids were born here. Since this is a different culture than what I was raised in, I have paid a lot of attention in fostering a very diverse (racially and country of origin) group of friends for them. In our neighborhood and the schools (public magnets) most of their friends parents are also immigrants from around the world and while they all are from different cultures, in their own ways they are focussed towards the academics, EC family and cultural education of their children.

There is a lot of emphasis on skill-building, delegation of duties, focus on health, academics, collaborative work, learning a foreign language, playing a musical instrument, involvement in sports etc. Most of the families are UMC and traditional - heterosexual, college educated, married biological parents and white collar jobs.

The emphasis on family, socializing, education and ECs, coupled with a core group of diverse friends doing leisure activities together, and the constant supervision of parents - does not leave our children with too much time to get into other mischief. They are also getting a lot of positive reinforcement and dopamine kick from their own achievements and doing well.

All of this is well and good, but our entire lives are molded to serve and educate our children in a way that they are happy, healthy and succeeding.

Barf. I think I recognize this poster. You keep on bragging about how great your family life is and how great your kids are and how great your social life is.

Your posts come off preachy and holier than thou.

I say this as another Indian immigrant.

LOL. No one can help you if your life sucks. There are forums to consider if your kid is failing in school, you don't have friends, if your DH is a douche or if you don't make enough money. And no, you are not another Indian immigrant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an Indian immigrant. Kids were born here. Since this is a different culture than what I was raised in, I have paid a lot of attention in fostering a very diverse (racially and country of origin) group of friends for them. In our neighborhood and the schools (public magnets) most of their friends parents are also immigrants from around the world and while they all are from different cultures, in their own ways they are focussed towards the academics, EC family and cultural education of their children.

There is a lot of emphasis on skill-building, delegation of duties, focus on health, academics, collaborative work, learning a foreign language, playing a musical instrument, involvement in sports etc. Most of the families are UMC and traditional - heterosexual, college educated, married biological parents and white collar jobs.

The emphasis on family, socializing, education and ECs, coupled with a core group of diverse friends doing leisure activities together, and the constant supervision of parents - does not leave our children with too much time to get into other mischief. They are also getting a lot of positive reinforcement and dopamine kick from their own achievements and doing well.

All of this is well and good, but our entire lives are molded to serve and educate our children in a way that they are happy, healthy and succeeding.

Barf. I think I recognize this poster. You keep on bragging about how great your family life is and how great your kids are and how great your social life is.

Your posts come off preachy and holier than thou.

I say this as another Indian immigrant.

LOL. No one can help you if your life sucks. There are forums to consider if your kid is failing in school, you don't have friends, if your DH is a douche or if you don't make enough money. And no, you are not another Indian immigrant.

Lol, don't like what I said so I am not an Indian immigrant?

My life is just fine thank you.

With your preachy attitude, you would not even realize if your kids were being sneaky. I bet you want your kids to marry an Indian only, one who is a doctor or in IT? Your kids in STEM, not Humanities? Member of TANA? Andhra or Telangana? Mahesh Babu or Pavan Kalyan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a child of immigrants. Let me tell you how it feels from the child's perspective.

You as the parent want the child to take all the opportunities that this country provides and be successful. But, in the US, unlike most Asian countries, success doesn't rely solely on grades and test scores. A lot of success can come from social connections, and that can only come from integrating yourself in the culture and community.

You came here to provide a better life for your kids, just as my parents did. But, you cannot expect children to live like an American outside the home, but live like your heritage in your home. That's too hard. The kid will feel like they don't belong anywhere.

It is unfair for immigrant parents to expect the children to completely adhere to the norms of customs of a country that they don't even live in and aren't surrounded by when they are outside the house. And eventually, they will spend more time outside your house and out of your influence than in it.

Having stated that, I don't accept back talking from my kids. No way. But, they have more freedoms than I ever did, and that's ok as long as they care about their education, have goals, and are moral and responsible people.

You can teach your children about your culture; celebrate the holidays; teach them your language, but you cannot expect them to not be like an American in most ways. Again, that doesn't mean you let the kids be disrespectful, though I don't necessarily think that this is solely an American trait.

What do you define as backtalk? Can you give an example of what your red line looks like and how you handle it?

What one person might call back talk, another might say they are expressing themselves honestly. What one person might call a parent teaching responsibility and morality, another might call it oppressive and authoritarian.

It's the tone and manner of speaking. They can, of course, share their feelings and what they are thinking, but they are not allowed to get sassy or mouthy, and speak to me like I'm an idiot or like I'm their friend.

Moral and responsible may be subjective, but there are baseline thresholds. Treat others as you want to be treated; own up to your mistakes; be respectful of people as much as possible; be responsible with your things and not act entitled.

I have told them many many times since they were kids to be respectful of their teachers, even if their teachers are terrible. You don't have to like them, but be respectful as much as possible. I cannot imagine trying to teach kids who are completely disrespectful of me. My hats off to those teachers.

This sounds reasonable to me. What do you do if they break one of these rules?