Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)

[Anonymous]

He raped you. Marital rape is a real thing. It’s a crime. It’s not being a little pushy.

Also, when you’re postpartum you’re not even supposed to have sex at all until at least 6 weeks after giving birth, so you saying you’ve already had sex 5-6 times and your baby is only 2 months old is already troubling.

My husband and I have a very active sex life normally (4-5x per week is typical for us under normal circumstances) but we didn’t have sex at all from the time I gave birth until 8 weeks (first baby) and 10 weeks (2nd baby) when I was postpartum and our frequency was very low throughout the whole time I was nursing (I nursed each baby til 18 months old) because I was sore, bleeding, recovering, engorged and painful breasts, hormonal, etc we were both exhausted.

I think what your husband did is beyond awful at any time and even worse when you’re postpartum and nursing. And then even worse that he didn’t acknowledge and own up to it and profusely apologize and offer to quit drinking and go to therapy when you confronted him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He raped you. Marital rape is a real thing. It’s a crime. It’s not being a little pushy.

Also, when you’re postpartum you’re not even supposed to have sex at all until at least 6 weeks after giving birth, so you saying you’ve already had sex 5-6 times and your baby is only 2 months old is already troubling.

My husband and I have a very active sex life normally (4-5x per week is typical for us under normal circumstances) but we didn’t have sex at all from the time I gave birth until 8 weeks (first baby) and 10 weeks (2nd baby) when I was postpartum and our frequency was very low throughout the whole time I was nursing (I nursed each baby til 18 months old) because I was sore, bleeding, recovering, engorged and painful breasts, hormonal, etc we were both exhausted.

I think what your husband did is beyond awful at any time and even worse when you’re postpartum and nursing. And then even worse that he didn’t acknowledge and own up to it and profusely apologize and offer to quit drinking and go to therapy when you confronted him.

So sorry, OP. Consider speaking with someone from a DV or sexual violence hotline to process a bit and perhaps get resources local to you.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say--don't under-react. Especially if he tries to minimize things now. Think about putting yourself first, your children need you. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother in law used to drink too much too often and he fairly regularly forced himself on my sister. One night she got really angry and kicked him out of the bedroom altogether. Turns out that night he went downstairs climbed into bed with and molested his 13 year old stepdaughter he’d been raising since she was 3 years old. Far as I know it was a one off, but it destroyed my niece she went from being a normal preteen to being textbook sexually abused girl and all the associated reckless behaviors - they didn’t get her any counseling because that would involve eventual law enforcement intervention so they sacrificed my oldest niece to the altar of marital and family preservation. The family is all still together - and everyone is addicted and mentally ill to one degree or another.

I’m not suggesting that any woman has a duty to tolerate unwanted sexual advances from a drunk husband. From my own personal experience and my years of vicarious experience as a victim advocate and prosecutor, I am suggesting that a man who behaves this way about sexual entitlement should be carefully managed and every possible awful thing should be contemplated in the management of such a person. I can’t tell how many shell shocked wives and girlfriends I talked to over the years about the sexual abuse of their kids by a male family member including partners - I’ve lost count. Sexual abuse of kids in the home by their own parent or stepparent or mother’s boyfriend is sadly not at all uncommon and many of those families are not poor and not trash in any other observable ways.

If I were you, OP, I would at minimum insist on a very strict limit on alcohol consumption by the husband for the rest of the marriage. A man who rapes under the influence needs to not be under the influence, period.

You've gone way off-track and made a huge leap about sexually abusing children, when nothing of the sort happened. Try to stick to the subject. This isn't about your niece.

NP- nope. Men who think they're entitled to a woman's body against their expressed wishes feel they're entitled to anything.

I see. So he may try to rob a bank?

[Anonymous]

Well he's obviously raped other women like this before. Obviously. I'd be done. I also would never believe another word he said about anything. Truly disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother in law used to drink too much too often and he fairly regularly forced himself on my sister. One night she got really angry and kicked him out of the bedroom altogether. Turns out that night he went downstairs climbed into bed with and molested his 13 year old stepdaughter he’d been raising since she was 3 years old. Far as I know it was a one off, but it destroyed my niece she went from being a normal preteen to being textbook sexually abused girl and all the associated reckless behaviors - they didn’t get her any counseling because that would involve eventual law enforcement intervention so they sacrificed my oldest niece to the altar of marital and family preservation. The family is all still together - and everyone is addicted and mentally ill to one degree or another.

I’m not suggesting that any woman has a duty to tolerate unwanted sexual advances from a drunk husband. From my own personal experience and my years of vicarious experience as a victim advocate and prosecutor, I am suggesting that a man who behaves this way about sexual entitlement should be carefully managed and every possible awful thing should be contemplated in the management of such a person. I can’t tell how many shell shocked wives and girlfriends I talked to over the years about the sexual abuse of their kids by a male family member including partners - I’ve lost count. Sexual abuse of kids in the home by their own parent or stepparent or mother’s boyfriend is sadly not at all uncommon and many of those families are not poor and not trash in any other observable ways.

If I were you, OP, I would at minimum insist on a very strict limit on alcohol consumption by the husband for the rest of the marriage. A man who rapes under the influence needs to not be under the influence, period.

You've gone way off-track and made a huge leap about sexually abusing children, when nothing of the sort happened. Try to stick to the subject. This isn't about your niece.

Disagree completely. He has most definitely raped in the past and I would never trust him ever again.

[Anonymous]

You are 2 months pp… the clinical guidelines recommend waiting to have sex until 6 weeks pp, at a minimum. Has your husband respected that important recovery period? I recommend individual and couples therapy and requiring husband to completely quit drinking, socially or otherwise. I would be completely repulsed by him, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are 2 months pp… the clinical guidelines recommend waiting to have sex until 6 weeks pp, at a minimum. Has your husband respected that important recovery period? I recommend individual and couples therapy and requiring husband to completely quit drinking, socially or otherwise. I would be completely repulsed by him, too.

Yep. So either he's had sex 5 times in the last two weeks, or he is comfortable damaging your body after you just pushed out his third kid and are up all night nursing. What year is this??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t post this on social media but I would strongly consider telling absolutely everyone I was “close” to—including both sets of parents—that it had happened.

I am so sorry, OP. You did not deserve this. The idea that this guy had you already so pressured about sex that you’ve had intercourse that many times in two months after giving birth kind of makes me want to puke…on him.

I'm not sure this would be helpful. You don't know what their reaction will be, it may not be supportive. It could be blaming, denying and minimizing as some posters have been.

I'd reach out to a hotline this weekend and find a therapist from a dv or sexual violence org for the longer term.

Take care, OP. The trauma you are feeling is real and warranted. A fundamental trust and sense of safety was violated by your DH of all people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How’s your relationship with your DH otherwise, OP? I know you said that since baby three you haven’t been intimate much… but honestly that’s normal. How about in other areas? Is he a good and loving and supportive spouse generally?

Yes this is marital rape. And the quantity of alcohol certainly seems to have played a big role.

But the people saying to blow it all up and call the police? I don’t know. If he’s a good husband and dad and all- why don’t you just sit down and tell him how you feel? Tell him you’re pissed and that it felt like rape and you feel awful and you two need to go to therapy to fix things.

Rapists aren't good husbands.

OP, please go to the ER, make sure you talk to a nurse trained in sexual assault, get a rape kit done, and decide what to do from there.

This is intrusive and she doesn’t need it. She knows and can identify her attacker. She can take a plan b though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:<<trigger warning, discussion of marital sexual coercion>>

I’ll try to keep this short and to the point. I’m having a hard time processing, and don’t know what to do or how to move forward here. I’m 38F, I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and married for 10. 3 kids; we just had our third 2 months ago. Our sex life has admittedly been lackluster since then - partially just because of exhaustion, on both of our parts…it’s not like he’s been trying regularly and I’ve been rejecting him over and over. We’ve had sex 5 or 6 times since I gave birth…all at his initiative, admittedly. I think he tried to initiate one other time, and I wasn’t feeling it but we did it the next morning. Honestly I currently have zero drive; I’m nursing and I’m sure that’s a big part of it. Also just very newly postpartum, body feels foreign and I’m not getting enough sleep and I’m stressed and touched out.
All the normal stuff. We’ve never been a SUPER high frequency sex couple either…generally 3-4 times/month, and that’s been the case since very early on in the relationship. I feel like I’m giving way too much background here; just trying to provide some context

Anyways. Last night we went out with my brother & his gf and my sister & her husband. We were all drinking; no one in excess but we all had 3-5 drinks over the course of the whole evening. I wasn’t monitoring, but find it likely that my husband and my sister’s husband were drinking doubles at least the second half of the night, so feasibly more like 8 drinks (over the course of 5-6 hours). My husband held it together most of the night, although by the end of the night when we were all hanging out and chatting it was definitely clear he was under the influence - nothing crazy, he wasn’t sloppy or belligerent…just talking too loudly/animatedly, repeating himself a bit, that kind of thing. He wasn’t (seemingly) much drunker than anyone else or anything. I’ll also note that he doesn’t drink a ton, neither do I - we do drink socially, but currently just have a LOT going on so I’d say both of us have a night where we have 1-2 drinks at home/after dinner once or occasionally twice a week, but beyond that I don’t remember the last time we went OUT and drank, if that makes sense. We’re not big drinkers, as in we just don’t really do it much these days.

So back to last night: by the time everyone parted ways it was pretty late; I went upstairs and got our baby to sleep and got into bed and fell asleep. I was woken up a little bit later by him, trying to pull my pants off. I had a moment of jarred confusion, kind of laughed and pushed him off, but he was super persistent. I told him hey I’m sorry but I’m truly exhausted; I’m really just NOT in the mood, I’m asleep. He persists, keeps trying to clumsily grope me and pull my pants off. Maybe I should have just sucked it up and gone along with it, but honestly I just couldn’t get there mentally…I don’t even think I could stay awake for 5 more minutes. I was just done, and fully asleep. He continued, trying to talk me into it, being really pushy (which is generally out of character) and aggressive. He kept pushing (both with his words and with his hands). I was so tired and eventually I just kind of…gave in. I was lying there saying no, I don’t want to, let’s do it later. The problem is, when I stopped resisting it he just went all in and did it. As I was lying in here telling him: hey stop I don’t want to, I'm sorry but I really don’t feel like doing this right now. I don’t want you to do that. He ignored me and did it anyways, while I just laid there wishing for it to be over so I could fall asleep.

Of course; he finished and then sleep was the last thing I could do. I just laid there feeling so upset and angry. Today I feel even worse…I feel disgust and hatred; I can’t believe he did that, and that I let him. I can’t reconcile being anywhere near him, my body literally feels physical repulsion towards him

What do I do? I’m trying not to overreact but I also think the fact that he just used me for his pleasure while I was so very clearly NOT into it (and was in fact actively telling him I didn’t want to do it) is really bothersome, and i’m having a hard time just shaking it off. We finally had a minute tonight, and when he asked why I was being weird he then claimed he didn’t remember what happened last night. I just feel so crappy and bleh, I don’t even know what to say or think. I wish I could just use logic to tell myself how to feel, but the fact is that I just feel upset at the mere thought of him right now, and I don’t know how to move forward

OP i understand your feelings but i dont think your husband raped you. That doesnt mean your feelings arent valid, but the crazies here on DCUM are giving bad advice as usual.

She said no, she pushed him away. Repeatedly. He overpowered her and proceeded to rape her.

No... he didnt overpower her by OPs own story.

You are a moron who has zero understanding of the law. If someone says 'no' and then freezes and the person has sex with them anyways, there was no consent and it is rape. Are you writing from the dark ages? I thought we were all past this flawed and archaic notion that someone has to physically fight back for it to be rape. She said no, don't, I don't want this. It was rape.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m really sorry you are going through this. How violating and heartbreaking. The ambiguity of the situation must compound your distress. Know that you deserve support and nurturing regardless of how you feel.

I hope you can find a trusted person to discuss this with. I think you do need to start marriage counseling with your husband. This is a major breach of trust at the least. A counselor can help you both — help him to take responsibility, help you not to blame yourself.

You have a lot on your shoulders. Please don’t take the judgment of strangers to heart. Understand they may have their own projections and experiences that lead them to say X or Y. I do think calling a hotline with trained counselors could help. And getting a therapist trained in trauma and women’s issues.

Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are 2 months pp… the clinical guidelines recommend waiting to have sex until 6 weeks pp, at a minimum. Has your husband respected that important recovery period? I recommend individual and couples therapy and requiring husband to completely quit drinking, socially or otherwise. I would be completely repulsed by him, too.

Yep. So either he's had sex 5 times in the last two weeks, or he is comfortable damaging your body after you just pushed out his third kid and are up all night nursing. What year is this??

What is weird is that OP reports that they consistently have had sex approx 4 times per month, you would think having a baby would slow that down a lot. Kind of trolly possibly.

Could be that the third baby has set off some kind of midlife crisis in OP’s husband. Suddenly wants sex three times more than he ever has before, going out and getting hammered with a infant at home..

Or how about the drinking and sleep deprivation took him back to high school or college where he'd rape girls like this on the regular? Ask me how many friends lost their virginity waking up to a boy on top of them, raping them. This was literally the most common rape story amongst my friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is important you tell one, trusted person. If you stay with him, and something happens down the road, then your credibility is heightened by a close-in-time outcry. Virginia is a fault divorce state. You may even want to screen capture your post here. However you handle this is valid and not wrong. Will be thinking of you.

I just went through a fault divorce (abuse) in VA. Telling a friend or screenshotting your DCUM post was not considered evidence. Pretty much the only thing the court accepts as evidence is a police report.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are 2 months pp… the clinical guidelines recommend waiting to have sex until 6 weeks pp, at a minimum. Has your husband respected that important recovery period? I recommend individual and couples therapy and requiring husband to completely quit drinking, socially or otherwise. I would be completely repulsed by him, too.

Yep. So either he's had sex 5 times in the last two weeks, or he is comfortable damaging your body after you just pushed out his third kid and are up all night nursing. What year is this??

What is weird is that OP reports that they consistently have had sex approx 4 times per month, you would think having a baby would slow that down a lot. Kind of trolly possibly.

Could be that the third baby has set off some kind of midlife crisis in OP’s husband. Suddenly wants sex three times more than he ever has before, going out and getting hammered with a infant at home..

Or how about the drinking and sleep deprivation took him back to high school or college where he'd rape girls like this on the regular? Ask me how many friends lost their virginity waking up to a boy on top of them, raping them. This was literally the most common rape story amongst my friends.

Friends - plural?