Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You gave birth two months ago! Please post your address- I will come over and kick your husband in the balls. Then I will watch your kids while you shower and take a nap. Your husband is a piece of trash.

You don’t sound very nice. A bit of an agenda maybe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gave birth two months ago! Please post your address- I will come over and kick your husband in the balls. Then I will watch your kids while you shower and take a nap. Your husband is a piece of trash.

You don’t sound very nice. A bit of an agenda maybe?

The agenda being…kick rapists in the balls and help moms with childcare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait… So you told your husband “ let’s do it later” and according to your post “kind of…give in”???? Sorry, but I do not think it was rape. Yes, you were not in the mood, but you also let him have sex with you by just “kind of give in”. You were both drunk. He probably thought you were enjoying it.

He initiated sex with a sleeping woman, who while he was trying to take off her pants said, “Hey stop, I don’t want to.”

Legally, that is rape.

Your views are very dated and privilege men over women.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don!t think you should hastily trash your marriage.

Great that you are seeking treatment from a professional.

He should also (to understand how he might make amends, and process this event).

I am sorry this happened. Good luck to you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how are you?

Thank you for checking in. We are back home now and I’m having a hard time. Overall I just feel exhausted and frustrated and sad, mixed in with some moments of absolute anger. I tried to talk to him about it again, and while I’ll admit I’m not really sure what he could say that WOULD make me feel better, I left the convo feeling more upset. Notably, he said, “I wish I could remember what happened,” (to which I incredulously asked if he thought I was lying about this. He doesn’t; he just feels weird and “it bothers [him]” that he blacked out and can’t remember what happened. Which, to be clear, I do believe is probably the case), and he also said, “I made a MISTAKE.” This was mixed in with a lot of apologies and “I hate myself”s, but those two comments really bothered me. Enough that I find I’m avoiding talking about it (…which is surprisingly easy to do, as we have our 3 kids with us 24/7 currently), because deep down I don’t (at this point) want to blow up my family, and I think that if he says the wrong thing right now I may never be able to get over it. In general he’s just kind of just acting normal / like nothing happened - which to be fair right now mostly means just going about daily moment to moment life with the kids, but with us interacting pretty minimally. He also keeps asking what he can do, and I think it’s genuinely coming from the right place but I just feel like…ugh don’t put this on me; if I knew what needed to happen to make everything magically feel okay, I’d do it. I did tell him (re: “what can I do”): no drinking (he gets this and agrees), sleep in a different room (he doesn’t love this but gets it and didn’t fight it), take the kids out of the house so I can have a counseling appointment and not worry about them hearing anything, and to eventual couples’ counseling if/when it’s time. But beyond that I don’t know what to tell him to DO to fix it, because if I knew we wouldn’t be in this situation. I do think he feels genuine remorse and is almost having a hard time reconciling it mentally, because he definitely thinks of himself as an extraordinarily caring, good person - I don’t mean that to sound snipey, just saying that’s his genuine mental impression of who he is as a person (and, generally speaking, rightly so) so hearing that he’s done something like this changes it in a way that’s hard to reconcile. He keeps saying “I would NEVER in my right mind do something like this…” - I don’t even know if it makes me feel worse or better to hear that. I do feel a little of the anger subsiding when we talk and when he really seems to listen to what I’m saying and grasp how serious this is for me, but the disgust I feel is really strong. I also just feel, I don’t know….kind of detached? I guess I feel a sense of weird mourning, in a looking around and thinking wow this is all a sham, everything I thought I felt has changed way

The stuff people shared about custody / courts is scary to read (and, tbh, hard to understand) - that’s not really on my mind currently, I honestly can’t see divorcing, but it does make me nervous about talking to a counselor since a PP said counseling notes get shared in court all the time. It would take a LOT for me to want to subject my kids to a divorce, and honestly I can’t really picture it happening - but one worrisome scenario that’s lurking in the back of my mind is this: what if I can never allow myself to feel comfortable having sex with him again? At this time the thought literally REPULSES me; the idea of him touching me makes me see RED. I know this is the kind of thing counseling can hopefully help with, but what if it doesn’t…then I guess divorce is the option you’re left with, and the idea of counseling notes being admissible in court makes me nervous to talk to someone.

That said, I do have a doctors on demand (through employee benefits, hopefully they’re decent) appointment set up for tomorrow. Guessing I should probably try to set up a couples’ counseling thing too but I don’t know if I have it in me just yet. It’s hard for me to even hear his voice right now, the visceral reaction my body feels kind of scares me. I’m just holing up with my baby right now.

(As I side note, I literally do not have the mental energy to respond to accusations of me being fake, so I’m not going to. Think whatever you want; I don’t care. Not sure why on earth someone would make something like this up to post anonymously. Regardless, thanks to posters who have been so compassionate and supportive and helpful, I really need it and I appreciate all the good people here

Hi OP, I’m not sure if you’re still paying attention to this thread or not, but just wanted to chime in. A very similar situation happened to me nine years ago (with my husband of one year). I made a very similar post to this one, except it was on wedding bee (more my forum before kids, ha). It sounds like we went through all the same things. It was rough.

But- it has NEVER happened again. People do mistakes and if this is so out of character that you can’t believe it happened in the first place, I would probably give him another chance. Several of the responses on my thread were “divorce him,” “report him” etc. I’m glad I didn’t. We have built a great life together.

Just wanted to give you another perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gave birth two months ago! Please post your address- I will come over and kick your husband in the balls. Then I will watch your kids while you shower and take a nap. Your husband is a piece of trash.

You don’t sound very nice. A bit of an agenda maybe?

Agree! The message is creepy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how are you?

Thank you for checking in. We are back home now and I’m having a hard time. Overall I just feel exhausted and frustrated and sad, mixed in with some moments of absolute anger. I tried to talk to him about it again, and while I’ll admit I’m not really sure what he could say that WOULD make me feel better, I left the convo feeling more upset. Notably, he said, “I wish I could remember what happened,” (to which I incredulously asked if he thought I was lying about this. He doesn’t; he just feels weird and “it bothers [him]” that he blacked out and can’t remember what happened. Which, to be clear, I do believe is probably the case), and he also said, “I made a MISTAKE.” This was mixed in with a lot of apologies and “I hate myself”s, but those two comments really bothered me. Enough that I find I’m avoiding talking about it (…which is surprisingly easy to do, as we have our 3 kids with us 24/7 currently), because deep down I don’t (at this point) want to blow up my family, and I think that if he says the wrong thing right now I may never be able to get over it. In general he’s just kind of just acting normal / like nothing happened - which to be fair right now mostly means just going about daily moment to moment life with the kids, but with us interacting pretty minimally. He also keeps asking what he can do, and I think it’s genuinely coming from the right place but I just feel like…ugh don’t put this on me; if I knew what needed to happen to make everything magically feel okay, I’d do it. I did tell him (re: “what can I do”): no drinking (he gets this and agrees), sleep in a different room (he doesn’t love this but gets it and didn’t fight it), take the kids out of the house so I can have a counseling appointment and not worry about them hearing anything, and to eventual couples’ counseling if/when it’s time. But beyond that I don’t know what to tell him to DO to fix it, because if I knew we wouldn’t be in this situation. I do think he feels genuine remorse and is almost having a hard time reconciling it mentally, because he definitely thinks of himself as an extraordinarily caring, good person - I don’t mean that to sound snipey, just saying that’s his genuine mental impression of who he is as a person (and, generally speaking, rightly so) so hearing that he’s done something like this changes it in a way that’s hard to reconcile. He keeps saying “I would NEVER in my right mind do something like this…” - I don’t even know if it makes me feel worse or better to hear that. I do feel a little of the anger subsiding when we talk and when he really seems to listen to what I’m saying and grasp how serious this is for me, but the disgust I feel is really strong. I also just feel, I don’t know….kind of detached? I guess I feel a sense of weird mourning, in a looking around and thinking wow this is all a sham, everything I thought I felt has changed way

The stuff people shared about custody / courts is scary to read (and, tbh, hard to understand) - that’s not really on my mind currently, I honestly can’t see divorcing, but it does make me nervous about talking to a counselor since a PP said counseling notes get shared in court all the time. It would take a LOT for me to want to subject my kids to a divorce, and honestly I can’t really picture it happening - but one worrisome scenario that’s lurking in the back of my mind is this: what if I can never allow myself to feel comfortable having sex with him again? At this time the thought literally REPULSES me; the idea of him touching me makes me see RED. I know this is the kind of thing counseling can hopefully help with, but what if it doesn’t…then I guess divorce is the option you’re left with, and the idea of counseling notes being admissible in court makes me nervous to talk to someone.

That said, I do have a doctors on demand (through employee benefits, hopefully they’re decent) appointment set up for tomorrow. Guessing I should probably try to set up a couples’ counseling thing too but I don’t know if I have it in me just yet. It’s hard for me to even hear his voice right now, the visceral reaction my body feels kind of scares me. I’m just holing up with my baby right now.

(As I side note, I literally do not have the mental energy to respond to accusations of me being fake, so I’m not going to. Think whatever you want; I don’t care. Not sure why on earth someone would make something like this up to post anonymously. Regardless, thanks to posters who have been so compassionate and supportive and helpful, I really need it and I appreciate all the good people here

Hi OP, I’m not sure if you’re still paying attention to this thread or not, but just wanted to chime in. A very similar situation happened to me nine years ago (with my husband of one year). I made a very similar post to this one, except it was on wedding bee (more my forum before kids, ha). It sounds like we went through all the same things. It was rough.

But- it has NEVER happened again. People do mistakes and if this is so out of character that you can’t believe it happened in the first place, I would probably give him another chance. Several of the responses on my thread were “divorce him,” “report him” etc. I’m glad I didn’t. We have built a great life together.

Just wanted to give you another perspective.

NP. I hope OP sees this, as it's one post that's actually from a woman whose experience was very similar and who did not listen to knee-jerk projections screaming "Divorce now." While it is 100 percent up to the OP whether her marriage is irretrievable, I would always listen first to the person coming from a comparable experience, rather than to reflexive, highly emotional posts, which on DCUM often are all about the posters' projections of their own issues. Projecting and giving advice based on similar experience are not at all the same thing.

Also this whole thread makes me think: Alcohol is a horror show. I cannot help but wonder what would have happened, or rather not happened, if OP's DH had not been drunk. This and many other issues make me wish alcohol had never been invented, discovered, whatever. It's the socially acceptable, even celebrated and beloved, way to destroy your life or someone else's. Not trying to derail this into a discussion about alcohol rather than OP. Just feeling, as I often have, that even among people who are not alcoholics, it causes more harm than good. And it only takes ONE time of drinking too much for it to upend an entire life, as this DH shows.

[Anonymous]

OP, how did the counseling session go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You gave birth two months ago! Please post your address- I will come over and kick your husband in the balls. Then I will watch your kids while you shower and take a nap. Your husband is a piece of trash.

You don’t sound very nice. A bit of an agenda maybe?

Agree! The message is creepy

No it isn't! Her OP deserves a kick in the balls at the very least.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. A very similar thing happened to me once, although I had not just given birth. We were newlyweds. He was very very drunk, and I woke up with him inside me. He did not remember it the next day.

My husband never went on to rape me again, but he did become an alcoholic. I’m more worried about the drinking in this story. People do all kinds of thing when they are drunk that they wouldn’t do sober. But they shouldn’t allow themselves to get that drunk as married fathers of 3.