Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother in law used to drink too much too often and he fairly regularly forced himself on my sister. One night she got really angry and kicked him out of the bedroom altogether. Turns out that night he went downstairs climbed into bed with and molested his 13 year old stepdaughter he’d been raising since she was 3 years old. Far as I know it was a one off, but it destroyed my niece she went from being a normal preteen to being textbook sexually abused girl and all the associated reckless behaviors - they didn’t get her any counseling because that would involve eventual law enforcement intervention so they sacrificed my oldest niece to the altar of marital and family preservation. The family is all still together - and everyone is addicted and mentally ill to one degree or another.

I’m not suggesting that any woman has a duty to tolerate unwanted sexual advances from a drunk husband. From my own personal experience and my years of vicarious experience as a victim advocate and prosecutor, I am suggesting that a man who behaves this way about sexual entitlement should be carefully managed and every possible awful thing should be contemplated in the management of such a person. I can’t tell how many shell shocked wives and girlfriends I talked to over the years about the sexual abuse of their kids by a male family member including partners - I’ve lost count. Sexual abuse of kids in the home by their own parent or stepparent or mother’s boyfriend is sadly not at all uncommon and many of those families are not poor and not trash in any other observable ways.

If I were you, OP, I would at minimum insist on a very strict limit on alcohol consumption by the husband for the rest of the marriage. A man who rapes under the influence needs to not be under the influence, period.

You've gone way off-track and made a huge leap about sexually abusing children, when nothing of the sort happened. Try to stick to the subject. This isn't about your niece.

NP- nope. Men who think they're entitled to a woman's body against their expressed wishes feel they're entitled to anything.

I see. So he may try to rob a bank?

Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is important you tell one, trusted person. If you stay with him, and something happens down the road, then your credibility is heightened by a close-in-time outcry. Virginia is a fault divorce state. You may even want to screen capture your post here. However you handle this is valid and not wrong. Will be thinking of you.

I just went through a fault divorce (abuse) in VA. Telling a friend or screenshotting your DCUM post was not considered evidence. Pretty much the only thing the court accepts as evidence is a police report.

Congrats for getting out safely, PP.

Did OP name her jurisdiction? I may have missed it.

[Anonymous]

5 drinks and nurse a 2 month old? They are tiny.

OP's family sounds hard drinking and her DH is a creep. With 3 kids she is in a tough spot to make any big changes. Wishing her and her kids all the best.

if there was ever a poster I hoped had a lucrative career and loyal friends, it would be OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t post this on social media but I would strongly consider telling absolutely everyone I was “close” to—including both sets of parents—that it had happened.

I am so sorry, OP. You did not deserve this. The idea that this guy had you already so pressured about sex that you’ve had intercourse that many times in two months after giving birth kind of makes me want to puke…on him.

I'm not sure this would be helpful. You don't know what their reaction will be, it may not be supportive. It could be blaming, denying and minimizing as some posters have been.

Maybe, but also maybe better to get all of that on the table sooner than later.

[Anonymous]

I worked with a very nice young woman once who had a baby then fell pregnant again two months after the birth because her husband who was a regular drinker would not respect her postpartum recovery at all. The unplanned baby wrecked her health - she developed a permanent thyroid condition among other issues doubtless from gestating a pregnancy in a body that was depleted and exhausted from having just completed the process a few weeks before conception of the next one.

There was a post from someone saying how they'd experienced this kind of rape with boyfriends more than once before and had put her off men altogether. Just want you to know that you're not alone, I experienced sexual assault by a partner more than once, guys who you would otherwise think were really great nice guys - there is a beast that resides it the heart of too many men, I think. Even a lot of otherwise nice-appearing men think of women's bodies as possessions, especially in the context of a relationship of some kind.

I lost my virginity this way at 14 and my last boyfriend at 40 did the same thing to me, having sex with my body when I was in a semiconscious state from cold medicine and illness and had refused him sex before asking to be left alone to sleep.

I'll never date another man I don't think. I'm 1000% heterosexual and at one time had a very high libido, but yet I find men repulsive and spent most of my adult life voluntarily celibate despite plentiful interest. Any time I let one in, they eventually showed they couldn't be trusted.

I read recently that scientists are working on a male contraceptive pill but they fear there would be little interest because of the modifying effects on testosterone levels. Personally I think we might achieve world peace if we could get all the men on such a pill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t post this on social media but I would strongly consider telling absolutely everyone I was “close” to—including both sets of parents—that it had happened.

I am so sorry, OP. You did not deserve this. The idea that this guy had you already so pressured about sex that you’ve had intercourse that many times in two months after giving birth kind of makes me want to puke…on him.

I'm not sure this would be helpful. You don't know what their reaction will be, it may not be supportive. It could be blaming, denying and minimizing as some posters have been.

Maybe, but also maybe better to get all of that on the table sooner than later.

You sound very naive. If they support DH and minimize the harm, how will that help OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked with a very nice young woman once who had a baby then fell pregnant again two months after the birth because her husband who was a regular drinker would not respect her postpartum recovery at all. The unplanned baby wrecked her health - she developed a permanent thyroid condition among other issues doubtless from gestating a pregnancy in a body that was depleted and exhausted from having just completed the process a few weeks before conception of the next one.

There was a post from someone saying how they'd experienced this kind of rape with boyfriends more than once before and had put her off men altogether. Just want you to know that you're not alone, I experienced sexual assault by a partner more than once, guys who you would otherwise think were really great nice guys - there is a beast that resides it the heart of too many men, I think. Even a lot of otherwise nice-appearing men think of women's bodies as possessions, especially in the context of a relationship of some kind.

I lost my virginity this way at 14 and my last boyfriend at 40 did the same thing to me, having sex with my body when I was in a semiconscious state from cold medicine and illness and had refused him sex before asking to be left alone to sleep.

I'll never date another man I don't think. I'm 1000% heterosexual and at one time had a very high libido, but yet I find men repulsive and spent most of my adult life voluntarily celibate despite plentiful interest. Any time I let one in, they eventually showed they couldn't be trusted.

I read recently that scientists are working on a male contraceptive pill but they fear there would be little interest because of the modifying effects on testosterone levels. Personally I think we might achieve world peace if we could get all the men on such a pill.

Sorry for your experiences as well PP.

What woman could trust a man to take such a pill, given the consequences if he did not?

[Anonymous]

A painful read. I'm truly sorry OP.

I wanted to offer a perspective, as I suspect most of the commentary here is from women.

I'm a man in my 50s, divorced father in a committed relationship.

First off: I concur this was rape. You said no. Period.

Second, I'd suggest you focus on the reaction as the real determinant on what kind of man he is. I don't see this as in any way understandable or forgivable, but he either really doesn't remember (in which case the issue is both the alcohol and his inability to control himself) or he does and pretends he doesn't because he knows it's wrong. An appropriate contrite reaction -- with counseling, alcohol abuse work, etc. -- might not spell immediate end, and might not be unrecoverable.

As for increased interest in sex, he may be trying to reset how he sees you after childbirth. I'm not saying that's right, or acceptable, or anything like that.


And finally: take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you to everyone who has responded…I am reading and rereading your responses even if not responding individually. I really want to thank the people who have first of all offered support and validation, but have urged counseling - I feel kind of resistant to start that process, but also think I probably do really need to do it…I feel completely f*cked up and sickened over this, and it’s not just shaking off. Those of you who shared that healing took years and you wish you’d started the process earlier: thank you.

A few people have asked what our relationship is like in general, and that’s a good question / one I feel like I didn’t really address in my original panicked post. It’s hard to type this because it now feels disingenuous and I’m questioning everything I thought I knew/felt. And mostly i just feel so ANGRY that it’s hard to make myself type anything positive about him. But if you asked me 3 days ago I would have said he’s a pretty great partner and a great dad too. He works more hours than me, but he’s pretty darn involved - he puts the kids to bed every night, he either makes or cleans up after dinner every night, he is present and involved with the kids. We’re both exhausted lately and nothing is perfect, but in general he’s a supportive partner and I’d unequivocally say he really tries. Overall he listens to / HEARS me, which is something that I had complaints about early on and maybe doesn’t come naturally, but he’s made a serious effort and stepped it up. He’s not perfect but he’s definitely never done anything like this before and I think that’s part of why I was so unprepared - I keep looking back and hating myself for not just SCREAMING and kicking the ever living hell out of him or something…I know he was really drunk and we wouldn’t be in this situation if it had really been stopped. The moment I keep coming back to is one during when we were having sex, he asked if I wanted it harder and I said, “I don’t want to do THIS at ALL” and he kept going. I think that’s what bothers me more than anything, because it’s just so unequivocal and he didn’t care at all. But point being, that really was uncharacteristic when it comes to our overall relationship. There is a slim to fully zero chance he’s drinking more / in private. He did get too drunk that night, and like a PP theorized I do fully believe he could have been in a complete blackout. Which yes is absolutely worrisome / never okay for a man in his 40s, but I will also say I don’t remember the last time that (him getting sloppy drunk) happened…3/4 years ago? Which I’m not excusing as okay, but I’m positive if I ask him to stop drinking entirely, he will. It’s part of his life in the way that it’s part of a lot of people’s social life, but it’s not something he can’t live without or anything. But in general we have had a good and pretty healthy relationship, and while not perfect he’s been a good guy - this was very out of character. Re sex, the long and short of it is we go through phases, and during the pregnancy (as with each pregnancy) we didn’t have much sex. It’s fair to say that postpartum we generally take awhile to get back to a normal, regular rhythm - and he usually doesn’t strongly push or press the issue. We’ve gone through periods of essential sexlessness for a few months here and there in the past. This is our planned last baby and I’ve definitely noticed he’s been more interested in resuming sex this time - I wonder if there’s some sort of subconscious part of him that wants to ensure the tone is set that we don’t slip into a low-sex frequency dynamic while this baby is young, as has happened in the past? Or maybe he just has a higher drive lately, I’m not sure and I don’t know why

We are currently visiting family (hence the big sibling night out) and have been talking only minimally/transactionally - I know we need to talk further but am hesitant to do so here.

I currently feel completely repulsed by him, and filled with anger. I think I’m as good at selectively lying to myself as needed as anyone, but this is feeling less and less like something I can just fake my way through, which sucks. I don’t want to overreact or blow up my family, or ruin my children’s lives or make them lose the stable home and existence we’ve worked hard to create (with two parents who love them very much) because one of them got drunk and really messed up, but as of now I really can’t see myself ever feeling anything resembling affection towards him again.

I will take people’s advice and seek counseling, even though the very step of trying to find someone to talk to seems daunting. Just to clarify: I can be completely honest with the therapist, correct? “Mandated reporting” doesn’t apply here?

[Anonymous]

Have you spoken with him about it? Sorry if I missed that part of the thread.

[Anonymous]

Some pretty challenging, horrible, unexpected things happen during five, ten, fifteen years people live together. “Forget about it “ if you are talking a life time (5o years plus).

All varieties of challenges and calamity. I would talk to the person responsible first

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop drinking folks.

He might need to address this

this is a good way to approach it

[Anonymous]

If you say the R word, I would anticipate that the conversation will shut down

Isn’t that reasonable ? Are you expecting to have a fruitful/normal/cordial relationship (in some way) with this man again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you to everyone who has responded…I am reading and rereading your responses even if not responding individually. I really want to thank the people who have first of all offered support and validation, but have urged counseling - I feel kind of resistant to start that process, but also think I probably do really need to do it…I feel completely f*cked up and sickened over this, and it’s not just shaking off. Those of you who shared that healing took years and you wish you’d started the process earlier: thank you.

A few people have asked what our relationship is like in general, and that’s a good question / one I feel like I didn’t really address in my original panicked post. It’s hard to type this because it now feels disingenuous and I’m questioning everything I thought I knew/felt. And mostly i just feel so ANGRY that it’s hard to make myself type anything positive about him. But if you asked me 3 days ago I would have said he’s a pretty great partner and a great dad too. He works more hours than me, but he’s pretty darn involved - he puts the kids to bed every night, he either makes or cleans up after dinner every night, he is present and involved with the kids. We’re both exhausted lately and nothing is perfect, but in general he’s a supportive partner and I’d unequivocally say he really tries. Overall he listens to / HEARS me, which is something that I had complaints about early on and maybe doesn’t come naturally, but he’s made a serious effort and stepped it up. He’s not perfect but he’s definitely never done anything like this before and I think that’s part of why I was so unprepared - I keep looking back and hating myself for not just SCREAMING and kicking the ever living hell out of him or something…I know he was really drunk and we wouldn’t be in this situation if it had really been stopped. The moment I keep coming back to is one during when we were having sex, he asked if I wanted it harder and I said, “I don’t want to do THIS at ALL” and he kept going. I think that’s what bothers me more than anything, because it’s just so unequivocal and he didn’t care at all. But point being, that really was uncharacteristic when it comes to our overall relationship. There is a slim to fully zero chance he’s drinking more / in private. He did get too drunk that night, and like a PP theorized I do fully believe he could have been in a complete blackout. Which yes is absolutely worrisome / never okay for a man in his 40s, but I will also say I don’t remember the last time that (him getting sloppy drunk) happened…3/4 years ago? Which I’m not excusing as okay, but I’m positive if I ask him to stop drinking entirely, he will. It’s part of his life in the way that it’s part of a lot of people’s social life, but it’s not something he can’t live without or anything. But in general we have had a good and pretty healthy relationship, and while not perfect he’s been a good guy - this was very out of character. Re sex, the long and short of it is we go through phases, and during the pregnancy (as with each pregnancy) we didn’t have much sex. It’s fair to say that postpartum we generally take awhile to get back to a normal, regular rhythm - and he usually doesn’t strongly push or press the issue. We’ve gone through periods of essential sexlessness for a few months here and there in the past. This is our planned last baby and I’ve definitely noticed he’s been more interested in resuming sex this time - I wonder if there’s some sort of subconscious part of him that wants to ensure the tone is set that we don’t slip into a low-sex frequency dynamic while this baby is young, as has happened in the past? Or maybe he just has a higher drive lately, I’m not sure and I don’t know why

We are currently visiting family (hence the big sibling night out) and have been talking only minimally/transactionally - I know we need to talk further but am hesitant to do so here.

I currently feel completely repulsed by him, and filled with anger. I think I’m as good at selectively lying to myself as needed as anyone, but this is feeling less and less like something I can just fake my way through, which sucks. I don’t want to overreact or blow up my family, or ruin my children’s lives or make them lose the stable home and existence we’ve worked hard to create (with two parents who love them very much) because one of them got drunk and really messed up, but as of now I really can’t see myself ever feeling anything resembling affection towards him again.

I will take people’s advice and seek counseling, even though the very step of trying to find someone to talk to seems daunting. Just to clarify: I can be completely honest with the therapist, correct? “Mandated reporting” doesn’t apply here?

OP I'm a therapist. Check with your state, only some include domestic violence in mandated reporting. Mine does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you say the R word, I would anticipate that the conversation will shut down

Isn’t that reasonable ? Are you expecting to have a fruitful/normal/cordial relationship (in some way) with this man again?

So she should tiptoe around what he did because he's so delicate to hear it? Eff that.