Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:<<trigger warning, discussion of marital sexual coercion>>

I’ll try to keep this short and to the point. I’m having a hard time processing, and don’t know what to do or how to move forward here. I’m 38F, I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and married for 10. 3 kids; we just had our third 2 months ago. Our sex life has admittedly been lackluster since then - partially just because of exhaustion, on both of our parts…it’s not like he’s been trying regularly and I’ve been rejecting him over and over. We’ve had sex 5 or 6 times since I gave birth…all at his initiative, admittedly. I think he tried to initiate one other time, and I wasn’t feeling it but we did it the next morning. Honestly I currently have zero drive; I’m nursing and I’m sure that’s a big part of it. Also just very newly postpartum, body feels foreign and I’m not getting enough sleep and I’m stressed and touched out.
All the normal stuff. We’ve never been a SUPER high frequency sex couple either…generally 3-4 times/month, and that’s been the case since very early on in the relationship. I feel like I’m giving way too much background here; just trying to provide some context

Anyways. Last night we went out with my brother & his gf and my sister & her husband. We were all drinking; no one in excess but we all had 3-5 drinks over the course of the whole evening. I wasn’t monitoring, but find it likely that my husband and my sister’s husband were drinking doubles at least the second half of the night, so feasibly more like 8 drinks (over the course of 5-6 hours). My husband held it together most of the night, although by the end of the night when we were all hanging out and chatting it was definitely clear he was under the influence - nothing crazy, he wasn’t sloppy or belligerent…just talking too loudly/animatedly, repeating himself a bit, that kind of thing. He wasn’t (seemingly) much drunker than anyone else or anything. I’ll also note that he doesn’t drink a ton, neither do I - we do drink socially, but currently just have a LOT going on so I’d say both of us have a night where we have 1-2 drinks at home/after dinner once or occasionally twice a week, but beyond that I don’t remember the last time we went OUT and drank, if that makes sense. We’re not big drinkers, as in we just don’t really do it much these days.

So back to last night: by the time everyone parted ways it was pretty late; I went upstairs and got our baby to sleep and got into bed and fell asleep. I was woken up a little bit later by him, trying to pull my pants off. I had a moment of jarred confusion, kind of laughed and pushed him off, but he was super persistent. I told him hey I’m sorry but I’m truly exhausted; I’m really just NOT in the mood, I’m asleep. He persists, keeps trying to clumsily grope me and pull my pants off. Maybe I should have just sucked it up and gone along with it, but honestly I just couldn’t get there mentally…I don’t even think I could stay awake for 5 more minutes. I was just done, and fully asleep. He continued, trying to talk me into it, being really pushy (which is generally out of character) and aggressive. He kept pushing (both with his words and with his hands). I was so tired and eventually I just kind of…gave in. I was lying there saying no, I don’t want to, let’s do it later. The problem is, when I stopped resisting it he just went all in and did it. As I was lying in here telling him: hey stop I don’t want to, I'm sorry but I really don’t feel like doing this right now. I don’t want you to do that. He ignored me and did it anyways, while I just laid there wishing for it to be over so I could fall asleep.

Of course; he finished and then sleep was the last thing I could do. I just laid there feeling so upset and angry. Today I feel even worse…I feel disgust and hatred; I can’t believe he did that, and that I let him. I can’t reconcile being anywhere near him, my body literally feels physical repulsion towards him

What do I do? I’m trying not to overreact but I also think the fact that he just used me for his pleasure while I was so very clearly NOT into it (and was in fact actively telling him I didn’t want to do it) is really bothersome, and i’m having a hard time just shaking it off. We finally had a minute tonight, and when he asked why I was being weird he then claimed he didn’t remember what happened last night. I just feel so crappy and bleh, I don’t even know what to say or think. I wish I could just use logic to tell myself how to feel, but the fact is that I just feel upset at the mere thought of him right now, and I don’t know how to move forward

OP i understand your feelings but i dont think your husband raped you. That doesnt mean your feelings arent valid, but the crazies here on DCUM are giving bad advice as usual.

Look up the definition of take.

(It is 2023–men don’t need to hold a gun to our head. It is penetration without consent. And she was DISSENTING.)

[Anonymous]

*rape not take. Sorry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP my DH has done this too, more than once, and not even drunk. I'm going to be honest, I don't quite see it as rape. I truly believe he felt that I would get into it if he kept going, because husbands definitely know that there are times that their wives are not into it but they changed once things get going. On these occasions, I would definitely be saying no and pushing him away,, and he just kept going. I didn't get into it, and I did just lay there and feel gross afterwards. But sometimes I haven't been in the mood, and he has initiated things and then I have gotten into it. So it's complicated. I don't feel traumatized by this or even really very bothered by it. I guess posters will say that I am suppressing feelings but I don't think that I am, I think it's just complicated. I can guarantee you that if a stranger did this I would feel completely differently

I'll offer a dissenting opinion and say this was not rape. You do need to make him face up to it but, this was a husband being coercive. And it's often the case that a women will get into it where at first she didn't want it. You want the guy do do prison time for that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother in law used to drink too much too often and he fairly regularly forced himself on my sister. One night she got really angry and kicked him out of the bedroom altogether. Turns out that night he went downstairs climbed into bed with and molested his 13 year old stepdaughter he’d been raising since she was 3 years old. Far as I know it was a one off, but it destroyed my niece she went from being a normal preteen to being textbook sexually abused girl and all the associated reckless behaviors - they didn’t get her any counseling because that would involve eventual law enforcement intervention so they sacrificed my oldest niece to the altar of marital and family preservation. The family is all still together - and everyone is addicted and mentally ill to one degree or another.

I’m not suggesting that any woman has a duty to tolerate unwanted sexual advances from a drunk husband. From my own personal experience and my years of vicarious experience as a victim advocate and prosecutor, I am suggesting that a man who behaves this way about sexual entitlement should be carefully managed and every possible awful thing should be contemplated in the management of such a person. I can’t tell how many shell shocked wives and girlfriends I talked to over the years about the sexual abuse of their kids by a male family member including partners - I’ve lost count. Sexual abuse of kids in the home by their own parent or stepparent or mother’s boyfriend is sadly not at all uncommon and many of those families are not poor and not trash in any other observable ways.

If I were you, OP, I would at minimum insist on a very strict limit on alcohol consumption by the husband for the rest of the marriage. A man who rapes under the influence needs to not be under the influence, period.

You've gone way off-track and made a huge leap about sexually abusing children, when nothing of the sort happened. Try to stick to the subject. This isn't about your niece.

[Anonymous]

It is important you tell one, trusted person. If you stay with him, and something happens down the road, then your credibility is heightened by a close-in-time outcry. Virginia is a fault divorce state. You may even want to screen capture your post here. However you handle this is valid and not wrong. Will be thinking of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother in law used to drink too much too often and he fairly regularly forced himself on my sister. One night she got really angry and kicked him out of the bedroom altogether. Turns out that night he went downstairs climbed into bed with and molested his 13 year old stepdaughter he’d been raising since she was 3 years old. Far as I know it was a one off, but it destroyed my niece she went from being a normal preteen to being textbook sexually abused girl and all the associated reckless behaviors - they didn’t get her any counseling because that would involve eventual law enforcement intervention so they sacrificed my oldest niece to the altar of marital and family preservation. The family is all still together - and everyone is addicted and mentally ill to one degree or another.

I’m not suggesting that any woman has a duty to tolerate unwanted sexual advances from a drunk husband. From my own personal experience and my years of vicarious experience as a victim advocate and prosecutor, I am suggesting that a man who behaves this way about sexual entitlement should be carefully managed and every possible awful thing should be contemplated in the management of such a person. I can’t tell how many shell shocked wives and girlfriends I talked to over the years about the sexual abuse of their kids by a male family member including partners - I’ve lost count. Sexual abuse of kids in the home by their own parent or stepparent or mother’s boyfriend is sadly not at all uncommon and many of those families are not poor and not trash in any other observable ways.

If I were you, OP, I would at minimum insist on a very strict limit on alcohol consumption by the husband for the rest of the marriage. A man who rapes under the influence needs to not be under the influence, period.

You've gone way off-track and made a huge leap about sexually abusing children, when nothing of the sort happened. Try to stick to the subject. This isn't about your niece.

NP- nope. Men who think they're entitled to a woman's body against their expressed wishes feel they're entitled to anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP my DH has done this too, more than once, and not even drunk. I'm going to be honest, I don't quite see it as rape. I truly believe he felt that I would get into it if he kept going, because husbands definitely know that there are times that their wives are not into it but they changed once things get going. On these occasions, I would definitely be saying no and pushing him away,, and he just kept going. I didn't get into it, and I did just lay there and feel gross afterwards. But sometimes I haven't been in the mood, and he has initiated things and then I have gotten into it. So it's complicated. I don't feel traumatized by this or even really very bothered by it. I guess posters will say that I am suppressing feelings but I don't think that I am, I think it's just complicated. I can guarantee you that if a stranger did this I would feel completely differently

I'll offer a dissenting opinion and say this was not rape. You do need to make him face up to it but, this was a husband being coercive. And it's often the case that a women will get into it where at first she didn't want it. You want the guy do do prison time for that?

Coercive sex with someone not consenting is...rape.

[Anonymous]

You will never feel safe next to him again. Because of something HE chose to do. It's time to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:<<trigger warning, discussion of marital sexual coercion>>

I’ll try to keep this short and to the point. I’m having a hard time processing, and don’t know what to do or how to move forward here. I’m 38F, I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and married for 10. 3 kids; we just had our third 2 months ago. Our sex life has admittedly been lackluster since then - partially just because of exhaustion, on both of our parts…it’s not like he’s been trying regularly and I’ve been rejecting him over and over. We’ve had sex 5 or 6 times since I gave birth…all at his initiative, admittedly. I think he tried to initiate one other time, and I wasn’t feeling it but we did it the next morning. Honestly I currently have zero drive; I’m nursing and I’m sure that’s a big part of it. Also just very newly postpartum, body feels foreign and I’m not getting enough sleep and I’m stressed and touched out.
All the normal stuff. We’ve never been a SUPER high frequency sex couple either…generally 3-4 times/month, and that’s been the case since very early on in the relationship. I feel like I’m giving way too much background here; just trying to provide some context

Anyways. Last night we went out with my brother & his gf and my sister & her husband. We were all drinking; no one in excess but we all had 3-5 drinks over the course of the whole evening. I wasn’t monitoring, but find it likely that my husband and my sister’s husband were drinking doubles at least the second half of the night, so feasibly more like 8 drinks (over the course of 5-6 hours). My husband held it together most of the night, although by the end of the night when we were all hanging out and chatting it was definitely clear he was under the influence - nothing crazy, he wasn’t sloppy or belligerent…just talking too loudly/animatedly, repeating himself a bit, that kind of thing. He wasn’t (seemingly) much drunker than anyone else or anything. I’ll also note that he doesn’t drink a ton, neither do I - we do drink socially, but currently just have a LOT going on so I’d say both of us have a night where we have 1-2 drinks at home/after dinner once or occasionally twice a week, but beyond that I don’t remember the last time we went OUT and drank, if that makes sense. We’re not big drinkers, as in we just don’t really do it much these days.

So back to last night: by the time everyone parted ways it was pretty late; I went upstairs and got our baby to sleep and got into bed and fell asleep. I was woken up a little bit later by him, trying to pull my pants off. I had a moment of jarred confusion, kind of laughed and pushed him off, but he was super persistent. I told him hey I’m sorry but I’m truly exhausted; I’m really just NOT in the mood, I’m asleep. He persists, keeps trying to clumsily grope me and pull my pants off. Maybe I should have just sucked it up and gone along with it, but honestly I just couldn’t get there mentally…I don’t even think I could stay awake for 5 more minutes. I was just done, and fully asleep. He continued, trying to talk me into it, being really pushy (which is generally out of character) and aggressive. He kept pushing (both with his words and with his hands). I was so tired and eventually I just kind of…gave in. I was lying there saying no, I don’t want to, let’s do it later. The problem is, when I stopped resisting it he just went all in and did it. As I was lying in here telling him: hey stop I don’t want to, I'm sorry but I really don’t feel like doing this right now. I don’t want you to do that. He ignored me and did it anyways, while I just laid there wishing for it to be over so I could fall asleep.

Of course; he finished and then sleep was the last thing I could do. I just laid there feeling so upset and angry. Today I feel even worse…I feel disgust and hatred; I can’t believe he did that, and that I let him. I can’t reconcile being anywhere near him, my body literally feels physical repulsion towards him

What do I do? I’m trying not to overreact but I also think the fact that he just used me for his pleasure while I was so very clearly NOT into it (and was in fact actively telling him I didn’t want to do it) is really bothersome, and i’m having a hard time just shaking it off. We finally had a minute tonight, and when he asked why I was being weird he then claimed he didn’t remember what happened last night. I just feel so crappy and bleh, I don’t even know what to say or think. I wish I could just use logic to tell myself how to feel, but the fact is that I just feel upset at the mere thought of him right now, and I don’t know how to move forward

OP i understand your feelings but i dont think your husband raped you. That doesnt mean your feelings arent valid, but the crazies here on DCUM are giving bad advice as usual.

She said no, she pushed him away. Repeatedly. He overpowered her and proceeded to rape her.

No... he didnt overpower her by OPs own story.

You should do a little more googling before opining on legal elements of crimes. Force doesn’t mean in this context what it means in everyday parlance.

[Anonymous]

If your husband got drunk and beat you up as you begged him to stop, would you stay married to him? I bet you wouldn't think twice about leaving if you woke up covered in bruises from him. Why treat sexual abuse any differently? I feel like as women we can sometimes underplay assault and abuse of a sexual nature, as though it's not another form of physical violence. That we can kind of rationalize our way out of it being as bad as it really is. But you can't. The only thing you can do is protect yourself and your children.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so, so sorry this happened to you. Your feelings are entirely valid. Also, I completely remember being in that postpartum haze and not wanting to or being capable of really thinking clearly or tackling emotionally hard things. But I do think you should not let this go. I don’t know exactly what to do but hopefully you can talk first with someone you trust if your husband is not immediately horrified and remorseful after you tell him what happened.

[Anonymous]

Being a woman is really hard. As a man I will never worry about anyone raping me. Women on the other hand are so vulnerable. If your husband can't even protect you then who else will do it? Even if someone drinks 2 bottles of JB, He should KNOW that RAPE is a CRIME.

[Anonymous]

Also he should have been profoundly apologetic when you told him what happened the next day. Ugh I’m so sorry

[Anonymous]

Your husband raped you and I’m very sorry, OP. I think you need to sit him down, tell him that whether he remembers or not he raped you. He should hate himself and apologize profusely, but I doubt he will. Take the time you need to think about it and what you want to do or not do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry that he did this to you and your feelings are completely valid. Yes , this is rape. I suggest you see a counselor in your own and get support and figure out how to proceed. It’s quite likely he may not remember and this was out of character etc but it does not lessen the impact of what happened to you.

I just wanted to say also years ago (in college) I “gave in” (after saying no multiple times, etc) to a drunk and very persistent man I had just started seeing . I assumed at the time it was my fault, etc. I never told anyone and just avoided him (and basically all men) after that but that was the start of a really depressing difficult period for me. I think if I had gotten support from a therapist I might have really benefited and understood it was not my fault.

I had so many experiences like this in my twenties and it really messed me up. I’ve never had a serious long term relationship, and missed the boat on children.

I’m glad that we call this what it is now.