Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)

[Anonymous]

I think all the posters saying this is a troll are just having some ugly realizations about past sexual encounters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is important you tell one, trusted person. If you stay with him, and something happens down the road, then your credibility is heightened by a close-in-time outcry. Virginia is a fault divorce state. You may even want to screen capture your post here. However you handle this is valid and not wrong. Will be thinking of you.

I just went through a fault divorce (abuse) in VA. Telling a friend or screenshotting your DCUM post was not considered evidence. Pretty much the only thing the court accepts as evidence is a police report.

A report to your doctor will also count for court.

OP - please go see your physician, explain exactly what happened. Your doctor is NOT required to report it to the police unless you want to involve law enforcement, but if you need a record later for legal proceedings this will provide a medical record.

[Anonymous]

OP, good luck tomorrow. Since you may be nursing, maybe don’t do ketamine, but EMDR could help a lot. Ask around for recommendations and Google if you need more information on the topic. It has helped a lot of people I know.

I think it is great that he won’t drink, will watch the kids while you go to counseling, and will go to couples counseling. If he again asks what he can do, just say how important it is that he believe you and understand/validate your response. Also, at some point see if he’s addicted to porn, that is, ask him.

Allow him to watch the kids so you can get more rest, go for walks, get massages, go to yoga, do things that make you feel okay/happy. You’ll be okay. It happened to me and I’m okay now. And it sucks that you are dealing with this with a baby! So, maybe allow him to validate that as well!


Thinking of you. Ignore the negative on here. Hang in there!!

[Anonymous]

Are you okay, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how are you?

Thank you for checking in. We are back home now and I’m having a hard time. Overall I just feel exhausted and frustrated and sad, mixed in with some moments of absolute anger. I tried to talk to him about it again, and while I’ll admit I’m not really sure what he could say that WOULD make me feel better, I left the convo feeling more upset. Notably, he said, “I wish I could remember what happened,” (to which I incredulously asked if he thought I was lying about this. He doesn’t; he just feels weird and “it bothers [him]” that he blacked out and can’t remember what happened. Which, to be clear, I do believe is probably the case), and he also said, “I made a MISTAKE.” This was mixed in with a lot of apologies and “I hate myself”s, but those two comments really bothered me. Enough that I find I’m avoiding talking about it (…which is surprisingly easy to do, as we have our 3 kids with us 24/7 currently), because deep down I don’t (at this point) want to blow up my family, and I think that if he says the wrong thing right now I may never be able to get over it. In general he’s just kind of just acting normal / like nothing happened - which to be fair right now mostly means just going about daily moment to moment life with the kids, but with us interacting pretty minimally. He also keeps asking what he can do, and I think it’s genuinely coming from the right place but I just feel like…ugh don’t put this on me; if I knew what needed to happen to make everything magically feel okay, I’d do it. I did tell him (re: “what can I do”): no drinking (he gets this and agrees), sleep in a different room (he doesn’t love this but gets it and didn’t fight it), take the kids out of the house so I can have a counseling appointment and not worry about them hearing anything, and to eventual couples’ counseling if/when it’s time. But beyond that I don’t know what to tell him to DO to fix it, because if I knew we wouldn’t be in this situation. I do think he feels genuine remorse and is almost having a hard time reconciling it mentally, because he definitely thinks of himself as an extraordinarily caring, good person - I don’t mean that to sound snipey, just saying that’s his genuine mental impression of who he is as a person (and, generally speaking, rightly so) so hearing that he’s done something like this changes it in a way that’s hard to reconcile. He keeps saying “I would NEVER in my right mind do something like this…” - I don’t even know if it makes me feel worse or better to hear that. I do feel a little of the anger subsiding when we talk and when he really seems to listen to what I’m saying and grasp how serious this is for me, but the disgust I feel is really strong. I also just feel, I don’t know….kind of detached? I guess I feel a sense of weird mourning, in a looking around and thinking wow this is all a sham, everything I thought I felt has changed way

The stuff people shared about custody / courts is scary to read (and, tbh, hard to understand) - that’s not really on my mind currently, I honestly can’t see divorcing, but it does make me nervous about talking to a counselor since a PP said counseling notes get shared in court all the time. It would take a LOT for me to want to subject my kids to a divorce, and honestly I can’t really picture it happening - but one worrisome scenario that’s lurking in the back of my mind is this: what if I can never allow myself to feel comfortable having sex with him again? At this time the thought literally REPULSES me; the idea of him touching me makes me see RED. I know this is the kind of thing counseling can hopefully help with, but what if it doesn’t…then I guess divorce is the option you’re left with, and the idea of counseling notes being admissible in court makes me nervous to talk to someone.

That said, I do have a doctors on demand (through employee benefits, hopefully they’re decent) appointment set up for tomorrow. Guessing I should probably try to set up a couples’ counseling thing too but I don’t know if I have it in me just yet. It’s hard for me to even hear his voice right now, the visceral reaction my body feels kind of scares me. I’m just holing up with my baby right now.

(As I side note, I literally do not have the mental energy to respond to accusations of me being fake, so I’m not going to. Think whatever you want; I don’t care. Not sure why on earth someone would make something like this up to post anonymously. Regardless, thanks to posters who have been so compassionate and supportive and helpful, I really need it and I appreciate all the good people here

It’s great he has agreed to counseling. If you want the marriage to survive I really suggest that you commit to following professional guidance from this point forward. What I mean by that is I don’t think anything he could say could make you feel better, and almost anything he says or does has the potential to make it so much worse, so don’t discuss this with him again without a professional present. It could possibly just make things so much worse in my experience, and I’m really sad to say that I’ve also experienced trauma from my husband and this is what I found. No “sorry” from him was enough without help from a therapist to find a way to work through.

[Anonymous]

OP I went through something similar and it didn’t work out for me; we divorced a year ago. We were in counseling for a year before deciding to separate. The biggest thing for me was something you alluded to above: even though he apologized for the trauma he caused, he never really seemed to take responsibility for it because he thinks of himself as a good guy. It was all a “misunderstanding” and/or he “remembered it differently” and/or I was “misinterpreting his intentions” etc. I ended up doing a no fault divorce because my attorney said that there was no evidence for a fault divorce. (I didn’t have a police report).

Best of luck. I hope that you reach the right solution for you. I really wanted to avoid divorce but now that is over I’m so much happier and healthier (even if a little poorer) — I now realize how much my husband’s issues were permeating and dragging down my life.

[Anonymous]

I just read through all of this today and just wanted to express empathy and support OP. I can't imagine how hard something like this would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read a few cases where women allege this for custody. It does not end well for the women. Have you heard of the back-fire phenomenon in family court.

I am here to tell you it is real. It is alive and well. In many states judges are men. Men want to see their babies equal time. If they feel threatened they will ask for 100 percent time with their kids. You might get visitation

Do not listen to this person, who is wrong.

Lawyer here, any kind of abuse coming up in a family court proceeding can lead to surprising outcomes, quite the opposite of what one might expect. I'll leave it at that.

Can you give an example or 2 of how a true accusation can give an opposite outcome of what one might expect in family court? I understand the accusation may not have any bearing on the final judgment but can it work against you if it is true?

depending on the judge, it may. get the best lawyer you can and try to trade off assets for custody, etc. can be a safer way to go. but the answer to your question can certainly be yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I went through something similar and it didn’t work out for me; we divorced a year ago. We were in counseling for a year before deciding to separate. The biggest thing for me was something you alluded to above: even though he apologized for the trauma he caused, he never really seemed to take responsibility for it because he thinks of himself as a good guy. It was all a “misunderstanding” and/or he “remembered it differently” and/or I was “misinterpreting his intentions” etc. I ended up doing a no fault divorce because my attorney said that there was no evidence for a fault divorce. (I didn’t have a police report).

Best of luck. I hope that you reach the right solution for you. I really wanted to avoid divorce but now that is over I’m so much happier and healthier (even if a little poorer) — I now realize how much my husband’s issues were permeating and dragging down my life.

Not OP, but best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how are you?

Thank you for checking in. We are back home now and I’m having a hard time. Overall I just feel exhausted and frustrated and sad, mixed in with some moments of absolute anger. I tried to talk to him about it again, and while I’ll admit I’m not really sure what he could say that WOULD make me feel better, I left the convo feeling more upset. Notably, he said, “I wish I could remember what happened,” (to which I incredulously asked if he thought I was lying about this. He doesn’t; he just feels weird and “it bothers [him]” that he blacked out and can’t remember what happened. Which, to be clear, I do believe is probably the case), and he also said, “I made a MISTAKE.” This was mixed in with a lot of apologies and “I hate myself”s, but those two comments really bothered me. Enough that I find I’m avoiding talking about it (…which is surprisingly easy to do, as we have our 3 kids with us 24/7 currently), because deep down I don’t (at this point) want to blow up my family, and I think that if he says the wrong thing right now I may never be able to get over it. In general he’s just kind of just acting normal / like nothing happened - which to be fair right now mostly means just going about daily moment to moment life with the kids, but with us interacting pretty minimally. He also keeps asking what he can do, and I think it’s genuinely coming from the right place but I just feel like…ugh don’t put this on me; if I knew what needed to happen to make everything magically feel okay, I’d do it. I did tell him (re: “what can I do”): no drinking (he gets this and agrees), sleep in a different room (he doesn’t love this but gets it and didn’t fight it), take the kids out of the house so I can have a counseling appointment and not worry about them hearing anything, and to eventual couples’ counseling if/when it’s time. But beyond that I don’t know what to tell him to DO to fix it, because if I knew we wouldn’t be in this situation. I do think he feels genuine remorse and is almost having a hard time reconciling it mentally, because he definitely thinks of himself as an extraordinarily caring, good person - I don’t mean that to sound snipey, just saying that’s his genuine mental impression of who he is as a person (and, generally speaking, rightly so) so hearing that he’s done something like this changes it in a way that’s hard to reconcile. He keeps saying “I would NEVER in my right mind do something like this…” - I don’t even know if it makes me feel worse or better to hear that. I do feel a little of the anger subsiding when we talk and when he really seems to listen to what I’m saying and grasp how serious this is for me, but the disgust I feel is really strong. I also just feel, I don’t know….kind of detached? I guess I feel a sense of weird mourning, in a looking around and thinking wow this is all a sham, everything I thought I felt has changed way

The stuff people shared about custody / courts is scary to read (and, tbh, hard to understand) - that’s not really on my mind currently, I honestly can’t see divorcing, but it does make me nervous about talking to a counselor since a PP said counseling notes get shared in court all the time. It would take a LOT for me to want to subject my kids to a divorce, and honestly I can’t really picture it happening - but one worrisome scenario that’s lurking in the back of my mind is this: what if I can never allow myself to feel comfortable having sex with him again? At this time the thought literally REPULSES me; the idea of him touching me makes me see RED. I know this is the kind of thing counseling can hopefully help with, but what if it doesn’t…then I guess divorce is the option you’re left with, and the idea of counseling notes being admissible in court makes me nervous to talk to someone.

That said, I do have a doctors on demand (through employee benefits, hopefully they’re decent) appointment set up for tomorrow. Guessing I should probably try to set up a couples’ counseling thing too but I don’t know if I have it in me just yet. It’s hard for me to even hear his voice right now, the visceral reaction my body feels kind of scares me. I’m just holing up with my baby right now.

(As I side note, I literally do not have the mental energy to respond to accusations of me being fake, so I’m not going to. Think whatever you want; I don’t care. Not sure why on earth someone would make something like this up to post anonymously. Regardless, thanks to posters who have been so compassionate and supportive and helpful, I really need it and I appreciate all the good people here

The feelings of anger, numbness, anxiety, sadness, and disgust you feel are part of trauma. It would be considered normal for this to go on for up to 4-6 weeks. OP, you should know that after trauma some percent of people go on to develop PTSD. Trauma treatment is very important in the first 4-6 weeks after an incident like this. You need to process the incident with a trained professional and develop an organizing narrative that helps your mind and body integrate what happened.

It would also be helpful to have your husband participate in couples sessions as soon as possible. Otherwise what can happen is you both develop your own narrative of what happened and it’s very hard to come together after that. He needs to be guided to accept your experience and work together to integrate it into a path forward.

I hope you get the help and support you need to heal, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP you say you don’t have an active sex life but you had sex 5-6 times 6 weeks after giving birth. I get that you are not in the mood! But yet you gave in anyway and did not call that rape. Just not that into it.
Then you went out drinking (guess you’re not breastfeeding?) and everyone drank quite a bit.
Then your husband got very drunk and tried for intercourse number 7. You tried to talk reason with a very drunk husband to no avail. And he carried on as usual. I’m sure you are angry.
But do you really want to tear your whole life apart over this?
I think some counseling would help you be more assertive and both of you should drink less. Being drunk is not an excuse but it seems like a normal part of your life. Maybe that should change? You have a newborn two other children to consider.
I’m sorry that happened but how is that different than how you usually give in (rhetorical question ).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you say you don’t have an active sex life but you had sex 5-6 times 6 weeks after giving birth. I get that you are not in the mood! But yet you gave in anyway and did not call that rape. Just not that into it.
Then you went out drinking (guess you’re not breastfeeding?) and everyone drank quite a bit.
Then your husband got very drunk and tried for intercourse number 7. You tried to talk reason with a very drunk husband to no avail. And he carried on as usual. I’m sure you are angry.
But do you really want to tear your whole life apart over this?
I think some counseling would help you be more assertive and both of you should drink less. Being drunk is not an excuse but it seems like a normal part of your life. Maybe that should change? You have a newborn two other children to consider.
I’m sorry that happened but how is that different than how you usually give in (rhetorical question ).

I hope you're a man because if you're a woman you're the absolute worst kind of woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this doesn’t sound like a one-time thing. It sounds like an escalation. Yes alcohol contributed but I don’t see how it won’t happen again. And you can’t just tell someone “don’t drink” and expect them to stop.

Like a prior poster said, drinking doesn’t cause you to do things that are totally against your nature. It amplifies things. I think your husband is dangerous.

I don’t think you should make any decisions now and you need time to just let yourself survive but I also think that if you try to stay, you’re going to be hounding him about AA and emotionally exhausting yourself in couples therapy and he might just do it again anyway. I know I personally couldn’t handle that, even for the sake of my children whom I adore more than anything.

Yes, you very much can! Reasonable people wouldn't even need to be told at this point. If your drinking/substance use/habitual behavior is causing harm, and you're not a total piece of 💩, you stop. Zero excuses.

Well exactly, I think OP’s husband is a total piece of 💩 (sorry OP) so I don’t think it’s reasonable to totally expect him to stop. I see that she did ask him and I do hope he sticks to it.

[Anonymous]

I think that it might be too early for couples therapy. I wouldn’t go until after he has been to a lot of therapy himself and I could tell he could actually see the depths of how bad things are and not so eager to smooth things over so they go back to normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m so very sorry that this happened to you. As others have said, it is rape. With a 2 month old and two other kids, you’re most likely trying to just get through each day right now. I know it’s hard, but this is a crucial moment where you need to put yourself first. Listen to your body and your feelings - they are telling you this was 100% wrong. Please reach out to a hotline and find someone to talk to about this. Talking about it and dealing with your feelings on this are priority #1.

I’m a survivor of domestic abuse. Someone who does this is an abuser. Abusers often wait to ramp things up until after you’ve had multiple kids (because you’re more trapped then). He showed you who he is and it’s important that you believe him. He’s not going to change.

Remember, your first priority is taking care of yourself. Sending you lots of strength and love.

The bold - abusers wait until you are trapped. Some abusers wait for the first "I love you", some for the engagement, moving in, after the first baby, after more babies, after SAHMing, etc.

It can be very confusing when someone has hidden themself well until that point. Please don't blame yourself, it happens more frequently than you know.