Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)

[Anonymous]

The horror of this situation is that, while it would be straightforward af were it a stranger, this is your so-called partner. The damage to your trust bond may be irreparable. The violation here is obvious, and should be obvious, and if he's anything less than mortified, divorce him immediately. It wasn't the booze; alcohol just drops people's filters. He already had it in his head that he was entitled to your body, regardless of your feelings or your consent.

And he gets to be responsible for ALL. OF. THAT. He ruined his reputation already. You are under NO obligation to protect him, or keep quiet about what he did to you. Talk to your family, your friends, a therapist, clergy (if you have faith folx you speak with). Don't bottle any of this. You're entitled to whatever feelings come up, whether it's sadness or rage or shame (which you shouldn't feel, but marrying an idiot is a particular shame I know all too well)...

I wouldn't stay with a man like this. I can only imagine how heartbreaking that is for you, especially with a newborn, but how would it ever be possible to trust someone this selfish, this self-centered, this dick-centric ever again? Your basic bodily autonomy mattered less than his orgasm. When will you feel safe in your own home when he's around?

I'm sorry he's horrible, OP. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg I am so so sorry. You are not overreacting. I wish you could imagine seeing this from an outside perspective. One law enforcement officer said that rape is the most violent thing you can do to a person aside from murder. I am sure that you would think that almost no reaction of someone who had gone through this was an overreaction. Not even calling the cops and getting him locked up (which is frankly what he deserves).

Agree you should take to a counselor ASAP. You could even consider a hotline. Maybe talk to your mom or a friend and don’t for a second try to not do so out of a fear of protecting his reputation.

OP here - thank you to everyone who has weighed in. Ugh I just don’t even want to deal with this…I half feel an urgent to try to compartmentalize, and half and urge to do what you mentioned above (bolded) about talking about it with a trusted friend. I’m having a hard time just going through the motions of acting normal, and I’m surprised by the rushes of anger I feel towards him. However, I’m worried I’d regret it - assuming I do somehow work past this, that would presumably (significantly?) change their view of him and affect things forever, and I’m having a hard time sorting out if that’s okay at this point

OP, you can call a DV or Rape hotline to speak with someone and get advice re: a counselor in your area.

Are you still on maternity leave? You may be able to speak to a counselor over Zoom when your husband is not home.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me and it was the beginning of the end. I could not trust my husband or feel safe with him anymore. Which means I could not willingly have sex with him, which led to this cycle of anger and coercive sex where I would endure just to make him less angry.

I never told anyone, and when I finally left, he demanded (and got) 50/50. He’s now living with a woman who left an abusive marriage and has young children—they are parading around as the happy blended family. I worry about that dynamic and its impact on my kids all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The horror of this situation is that, while it would be straightforward af were it a stranger, this is your so-called partner. The damage to your trust bond may be irreparable. The violation here is obvious, and should be obvious, and if he's anything less than mortified, divorce him immediately. It wasn't the booze; alcohol just drops people's filters. He already had it in his head that he was entitled to your body, regardless of your feelings or your consent.

And he gets to be responsible for ALL. OF. THAT. He ruined his reputation already. You are under NO obligation to protect him, or keep quiet about what he did to you. Talk to your family, your friends, a therapist, clergy (if you have faith folx you speak with). Don't bottle any of this. You're entitled to whatever feelings come up, whether it's sadness or rage or shame (which you shouldn't feel, but marrying an idiot is a particular shame I know all too well)...

I wouldn't stay with a man like this. I can only imagine how heartbreaking that is for you, especially with a newborn, but how would it ever be possible to trust someone this selfish, this self-centered, this dick-centric ever again? Your basic bodily autonomy mattered less than his orgasm. When will you feel safe in your own home when he's around?

I'm sorry he's horrible, OP. You deserve better.

Staying is horrible, as is leaving someone like him alone with your 3 young kids 50% of the time.

It may not be possible financially to split.

No good choices with men like this.

He does not seem remorseful, has not volunteered to stop drinking, etc. Even then, it might just be performative, but, here, crickets.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd honor that anger, it's giving you a message.

Reach out to a DV counselor, you might be able to access from House of Ruth, DC Rape Crisis or The Women's Center in Vienna.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP. It occurs to me that if he drank again, it would cause me severe anxiety based on what might follow. I also wouldn’t feel safe in my own bed anymore, which is a sacred space. All of this and you’re post-partum. I’m so, so sorry. Please call a counselor and lean on your family. Lots of love to you and your children.

[Anonymous]

Op, you need to kick him out and have your mom/sister/friend come and stay with you while you process this. If you were my sister, I’d drop everything to be with you, or insist that you bring the kids and come and stay with me for a bit.

Also, I’d want to go over to your house and give your husband a piece of my mind (and kick him in the nuts).

Please, please talk to someone, and definitely a therapist if you don’t already have one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, with one clarification: when I say he claimed he didn’t remember what happened, I’m not necessarily implying that I think he’s lying. It’s certainly possible (…although would maybe be a bit surprising? Maybe not, I don’t know. But does that matter?) - I’m not sure whether that would even make it better or worse, tbh

He remembers. If he was blackout, I doubt he would’ve been able to keep an erection.

This is absolutely not ok and you have to tell him.

It is marital rape. That’s rape. You don’t have to have black eye to have been raped.

[Anonymous]

I think you should take the baby and go stay with a friend or relative or in a hotel for tonight or however long you want.

Call a locksmith and have them install a lock on your bedroom and a bathroom you can use. Make your husband sleep on the couch if there is no guest room. Throw out all alcohol in the house.

Talk to a therapist. I would consider divorce.

And yes that was rape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should take the baby and go stay with a friend or relative or in a hotel for tonight or however long you want.

Call a locksmith and have them install a lock on your bedroom and a bathroom you can use. Make your husband sleep on the couch if there is no guest room. Throw out all alcohol in the house.

Talk to a therapist. I would consider divorce.

And yes that was rape.

I just read the advice to kick him out. Yes, that’s a good idea too if he will leave. You could threaten to call the cops if he doesn’t. I’d still get the locks installed in case he shows back up.
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You could talk to a lawyer about a protective order.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry this happened to you OP. Your feelings are totally valid and you are not overreacting.

I understand the need to compartmentalize and minimize. I did that after I was raped many years ago. I do it with my alcoholic husband (now on a rocky road of recovery). But please, please reach out to a professional today.

It will be hard to find a therapist immediately but there are ways to get help now. You or your husband may have access to an Employee Assistance Program through your employer. You can also call the national sexual assault hotline - 1-800-656-4673 or
https://www.rainn.org/resources

I know reaching out can make it seem real in a way it isn’t now, which makes it hard to reach out. Please don’t go through this alone. Make a call, come up with a short term plan. Today, tonight, this weekend.

Sending you peace and comfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should take the baby and go stay with a friend or relative or in a hotel for tonight or however long you want.

Call a locksmith and have them install a lock on your bedroom and a bathroom you can use. Make your husband sleep on the couch if there is no guest room. Throw out all alcohol in the house.

Talk to a therapist. I would consider divorce.

And yes that was rape.

Yes, do all this which is 100% illegal. Clearly, you have never read marriage laws in this area. As someone who contemplated divorce for four years and had an attorney on retainer I can tell you what you just posted isn't allowed - legally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should take the baby and go stay with a friend or relative or in a hotel for tonight or however long you want.

Call a locksmith and have them install a lock on your bedroom and a bathroom you can use. Make your husband sleep on the couch if there is no guest room. Throw out all alcohol in the house.

Talk to a therapist. I would consider divorce.

And yes that was rape.

Yes, do all this which is 100% illegal. Clearly, you have never read marriage laws in this area. As someone who contemplated divorce for four years and had an attorney on retainer I can tell you what you just posted isn't allowed - legally.

It is absolutely not illegal for her to take her kids and stay elsewhere. She can’t sneak them out, not tell her husband where they are, and refuse to respond to his calls and messages. But she can absolutely say, “hey, I’m having a really hard time processing what happened last night and I need some space, I’m going to take the kids to Larla’s house for the weekend”.

It’s also not illegal to make her husband sleep on the couch or through out the alcohol, obviously.

I’d advise against the locks. Impractical and expensive, in addition to maybe being of questionable legality.

[Anonymous]

Marital rape is real.

I am very sorry.

I think you two should get counseling. So he knows what he did. His reaction will probably heavily influence how you move forward.

[Anonymous]

I was raped and otherwise sexually abused by my husband when awake and when in my sleep.

The police pressed charges. Write down what happened, no need to justify why you didn't want to.

My ex was deeply disturbed in many ways. The trauma of this all did a real number on me. But I've been divorced 7 years and the courts did not allow him any contact with the kids.

A sexual assault center therapist might be a good choice.