Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)

[Anonymous]

<<trigger warning, discussion of marital sexual coercion>>

I’ll try to keep this short and to the point. I’m having a hard time processing, and don’t know what to do or how to move forward here. I’m 38F, I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and married for 10. 3 kids; we just had our third 2 months ago. Our sex life has admittedly been lackluster since then - partially just because of exhaustion, on both of our parts…it’s not like he’s been trying regularly and I’ve been rejecting him over and over. We’ve had sex 5 or 6 times since I gave birth…all at his initiative, admittedly. I think he tried to initiate one other time, and I wasn’t feeling it but we did it the next morning. Honestly I currently have zero drive; I’m nursing and I’m sure that’s a big part of it. Also just very newly postpartum, body feels foreign and I’m not getting enough sleep and I’m stressed and touched out.
All the normal stuff. We’ve never been a SUPER high frequency sex couple either…generally 3-4 times/month, and that’s been the case since very early on in the relationship. I feel like I’m giving way too much background here; just trying to provide some context

Anyways. Last night we went out with my brother & his gf and my sister & her husband. We were all drinking; no one in excess but we all had 3-5 drinks over the course of the whole evening. I wasn’t monitoring, but find it likely that my husband and my sister’s husband were drinking doubles at least the second half of the night, so feasibly more like 8 drinks (over the course of 5-6 hours). My husband held it together most of the night, although by the end of the night when we were all hanging out and chatting it was definitely clear he was under the influence - nothing crazy, he wasn’t sloppy or belligerent…just talking too loudly/animatedly, repeating himself a bit, that kind of thing. He wasn’t (seemingly) much drunker than anyone else or anything. I’ll also note that he doesn’t drink a ton, neither do I - we do drink socially, but currently just have a LOT going on so I’d say both of us have a night where we have 1-2 drinks at home/after dinner once or occasionally twice a week, but beyond that I don’t remember the last time we went OUT and drank, if that makes sense. We’re not big drinkers, as in we just don’t really do it much these days.

So back to last night: by the time everyone parted ways it was pretty late; I went upstairs and got our baby to sleep and got into bed and fell asleep. I was woken up a little bit later by him, trying to pull my pants off. I had a moment of jarred confusion, kind of laughed and pushed him off, but he was super persistent. I told him hey I’m sorry but I’m truly exhausted; I’m really just NOT in the mood, I’m asleep. He persists, keeps trying to clumsily grope me and pull my pants off. Maybe I should have just sucked it up and gone along with it, but honestly I just couldn’t get there mentally…I don’t even think I could stay awake for 5 more minutes. I was just done, and fully asleep. He continued, trying to talk me into it, being really pushy (which is generally out of character) and aggressive. He kept pushing (both with his words and with his hands). I was so tired and eventually I just kind of…gave in. I was lying there saying no, I don’t want to, let’s do it later. The problem is, when I stopped resisting it he just went all in and did it. As I was lying in here telling him: hey stop I don’t want to, I'm sorry but I really don’t feel like doing this right now. I don’t want you to do that. He ignored me and did it anyways, while I just laid there wishing for it to be over so I could fall asleep.

Of course; he finished and then sleep was the last thing I could do. I just laid there feeling so upset and angry. Today I feel even worse…I feel disgust and hatred; I can’t believe he did that, and that I let him. I can’t reconcile being anywhere near him, my body literally feels physical repulsion towards him

What do I do? I’m trying not to overreact but I also think the fact that he just used me for his pleasure while I was so very clearly NOT into it (and was in fact actively telling him I didn’t want to do it) is really bothersome, and i’m having a hard time just shaking it off. We finally had a minute tonight, and when he asked why I was being weird he then claimed he didn’t remember what happened last night. I just feel so crappy and bleh, I don’t even know what to say or think. I wish I could just use logic to tell myself how to feel, but the fact is that I just feel upset at the mere thought of him right now, and I don’t know how to move forward

[Anonymous]

OP again, with one clarification: when I say he claimed he didn’t remember what happened, I’m not necessarily implying that I think he’s lying. It’s certainly possible (…although would maybe be a bit surprising? Maybe not, I don’t know. But does that matter?) - I’m not sure whether that would even make it better or worse, tbh

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. Your feelings are completely valid and this was not your fault.

To be clear, what he did is fully rape. Not coercion or being pushy, rape. You said no and he did it anyways, it doesn't matter if you were not physically resisting, you did not consent to what happened to you.

I think you should talk to a counsellor ASAP to start to process your feelings, but also to get some language and strategy for how to approach this. Personally I would ask him to stay elsewhere and have a family member or friend move in for the week until you figure out how you want to proceed.

Sending you support.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry that he did this to you and your feelings are completely valid. Yes , this is rape. I suggest you see a counselor in your own and get support and figure out how to proceed. It’s quite likely he may not remember and this was out of character etc but it does not lessen the impact of what happened to you.

I just wanted to say also years ago (in college) I “gave in” (after saying no multiple times, etc) to a drunk and very persistent man I had just started seeing . I assumed at the time it was my fault, etc. I never told anyone and just avoided him (and basically all men) after that but that was the start of a really depressing difficult period for me. I think if I had gotten support from a therapist I might have really benefited and understood it was not my fault.

[Anonymous]

OP I agree this is rape and my only solution/way of getting over it would be for him to believe me and for for him to NEVER drink again, because I hate this person you described.

[Anonymous]

I was raped many years ago.

Also, in college, I got very drunk once a year or so. A few years ago, my friend told me that I was very aggressive with him sexually. I had no recollection of this and he has no reason to lie. I now don’t drink.

So, I agree with PPs, it was rape. I also agree that he should not drink. It would be good for you to get counseling. I’m so sorry and I wish you peace and eventual healing. It took me many years.

[Anonymous]

You gave birth two months ago! Please post your address- I will come over and kick your husband in the balls. Then I will watch your kids while you shower and take a nap. Your husband is a piece of trash.

[Anonymous]

Omg I am so so sorry. You are not overreacting. I wish you could imagine seeing this from an outside perspective. One law enforcement officer said that rape is the most violent thing you can do to a person aside from murder. I am sure that you would think that almost no reaction of someone who had gone through this was an overreaction. Not even calling the cops and getting him locked up (which is frankly what he deserves).

Agree you should take to a counselor ASAP. You could even consider a hotline. Maybe talk to your mom or a friend and don’t for a second try to not do so out of a fear of protecting his reputation.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is no other word for what your husband did, it was rape. I’m so sorry.

Whatever you do, please put protecting yourself and your child first. Please talk to family, friends and a counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg I am so so sorry. You are not overreacting. I wish you could imagine seeing this from an outside perspective. One law enforcement officer said that rape is the most violent thing you can do to a person aside from murder. I am sure that you would think that almost no reaction of someone who had gone through this was an overreaction. Not even calling the cops and getting him locked up (which is frankly what he deserves).

Agree you should take to a counselor ASAP. You could even consider a hotline. Maybe talk to your mom or a friend and don’t for a second try to not do so out of a fear of protecting his reputation.

OP here - thank you to everyone who has weighed in. Ugh I just don’t even want to deal with this…I half feel an urgent to try to compartmentalize, and half and urge to do what you mentioned above (bolded) about talking about it with a trusted friend. I’m having a hard time just going through the motions of acting normal, and I’m surprised by the rushes of anger I feel towards him. However, I’m worried I’d regret it - assuming I do somehow work past this, that would presumably (significantly?) change their view of him and affect things forever, and I’m having a hard time sorting out if that’s okay at this point

[Anonymous]

OP I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You gave birth two months ago! Please post your address- I will come over and kick your husband in the balls. Then I will watch your kids while you shower and take a nap. Your husband is a piece of trash.

Ditto to all of this. Please talk to a professional right away. Don’t shove it down. There might be a path forward but not without a lot of work from him. I will say a prayer for you this morning.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP.

I get the need to compartmentalize this so that you can heal physically and get yourself into a safer, more secure space, especially with such young children. But please talk about this with someone, even someone who doesn't know your husband if that is what's holding you back.

[Anonymous]

It's rape but I also understand your complicated feelings.
I hate that man.

[Anonymous]

If your husband is capable of raping you, he is capable of harming and abusing your child. He is a violent abuser. He will harm you more, he will harm your child. Get out, get help.