H claims that I abuse him emotionally, whereas I think it is the other way around

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm in a similar situation.

I think detaching is the only thing you can do in the short term. Don't respond. Look up BIFF -- Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. This is how you respond to high conflict people. I suggest that you go out on the weekends or even possibly travel and leave him to care for your child. The more you separate yourself the healthier you will feel. Do not just hang around making yourself passive bait for his abuse.

Longterm steps: therapist for you, consult a lawyer, check out real estate, and slowly dismantle your fears of moving away from this person.

He may be borderline -- this is what my therapist thinks my husband is. People with borderline personality demonize others once they split (only see the bad in you). They have hair trigger tempers and frequent explosions of rage. You are always at fault and they crave being the victim, therefore you are made to be the perpetrator. You are not crazy. He is.

Regarding the practical situation, I am also very attached to our home and unsure of whether I can maintain it without my husband. Yet I am also clear (finally) on the fact that this is very unhealthy and I need to prioritize health. We have been separated for six months and are supposed to be coming back together but I'm really not sure what is going to happen. I have similar worries that he would torment me in divorce also, since the separation has been hell and he has found lots of ways to get at me -- twisting situations to make it my fault, threats, putting the kids in the middle of our conflicts. It's going to be at least ten more years of raising the kids together so that does hold me back from going to an instant divorce. We are supposed to be starting therapy together. I don't know if he will listen to the therapist.

I wish you peace, OP. It's awful and I know because I am there now too. We will get to the other side of this and it will be better.

[Anonymous]

I think troll too. A lawyer with her own firm does not write like this, even if she is an immigrant and English is her 4th language.

[Anonymous]

Can't read the entire thread and all responses, but OP, his behaviors and attitudes sound chillingly like my friend's DH, who worked four days a week in another city (also three hours from their home) and whose terrible behaviors increased the longer he was involved with his mistress. Yes, he had another woman in the city where he worked. He wanted out of the marriage so he could be footloose with his other woman and not having to go home to a house to think about maintaining; a wife who was talking to him about real-life essentials, ike finances and kid needs; and kids (they had three) who were, well, kids, who wanted to be around their adored daddy.

Probably this got brought up earlier in the thread, but it's entirely possible your DH has an affair partner at his work location and is so damn cranky with you (and demanding you leave the house so he can be alone--that's insane) because he's done with you and DD but is too big a coward to leave you both. Sorry to be that blunt, but it's something you need to consider.

The friend's husband finally pulled the trigger on divorce when his AP got pregnant, and he left my friend and their three kids to be with the AP and the baby. That didn't last either.

If there's no AP in your DH's case, he may have the opposite issue of wanting to be a bachelor again, no responsibilities other than work, no one to answer to at night, no kid around to have to feign an interest in. Either way, AP or bachelor-wannabe, I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Another issue that I have is that him valuing only monetary contribution to a marriage instills the wrong values in our daughter. He completely ignores the fact that I take care of absolutely everything concerning childcare, household, finances, etc. For example I pick up our daughter at 3 pm every day.

I really don't think that I should stay at the office until 7 pm to the detriment of our child, if we don't need it financially, just to prove a point. He is very mad about this attitude and ignores my work as a mother. Of course, he is not even present during the week.

My daughter is too young, but at some point I will explain to her that there is a lot of value in all the other work that a parent does.

The irony is that H had a stay-at-home mom and a live-in grandma. I, on the other hand, do everything that his mom and grandma did, on top of that what his father would do around the house and with the finances/paperwork, plus I work as a lawyer in my own firm (I have three employees).

We are surrounded by families with stay-at-home moms who are treated with respect and love by their husbands.

I personally do not know any other woman who earns $200k, except for big law partners. And it is still not enough. Sometimes I don't even know what to tell him, I just feel like crying.

Nothing to offer in terms of advice except empathy. I so, so feel for you. I am experiencing much of the same.
I think your daughter will understand with time the value you bring though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in a similar situation.

I think detaching is the only thing you can do in the short term. Don't respond. Look up BIFF -- Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. This is how you respond to high conflict people. I suggest that you go out on the weekends or even possibly travel and leave him to care for your child. The more you separate yourself the healthier you will feel. Do not just hang around making yourself passive bait for his abuse.

Longterm steps: therapist for you, consult a lawyer, check out real estate, and slowly dismantle your fears of moving away from this person.

He may be borderline -- this is what my therapist thinks my husband is. People with borderline personality demonize others once they split (only see the bad in you). They have hair trigger tempers and frequent explosions of rage. You are always at fault and they crave being the victim, therefore you are made to be the perpetrator. You are not crazy. He is.

Regarding the practical situation, I am also very attached to our home and unsure of whether I can maintain it without my husband. Yet I am also clear (finally) on the fact that this is very unhealthy and I need to prioritize health. We have been separated for six months and are supposed to be coming back together but I'm really not sure what is going to happen. I have similar worries that he would torment me in divorce also, since the separation has been hell and he has found lots of ways to get at me -- twisting situations to make it my fault, threats, putting the kids in the middle of our conflicts. It's going to be at least ten more years of raising the kids together so that does hold me back from going to an instant divorce. We are supposed to be starting therapy together. I don't know if he will listen to the therapist.

I wish you peace, OP. It's awful and I know because I am there now too. We will get to the other side of this and it will be better.

OP here. Sending you big hugs. Your situation is so similar to mine. I, too, am concerned that a divorce would bring out more nastiness in my husband.

I can only tell you what others on this thread have kindly advised me: do the math with a divorce lawyer, see how much you would be entitled to, including child support. You may be able to keep the house. Best wishes to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Another issue that I have is that him valuing only monetary contribution to a marriage instills the wrong values in our daughter. He completely ignores the fact that I take care of absolutely everything concerning childcare, household, finances, etc. For example I pick up our daughter at 3 pm every day.

I really don't think that I should stay at the office until 7 pm to the detriment of our child, if we don't need it financially, just to prove a point. He is very mad about this attitude and ignores my work as a mother. Of course, he is not even present during the week.

My daughter is too young, but at some point I will explain to her that there is a lot of value in all the other work that a parent does.

The irony is that H had a stay-at-home mom and a live-in grandma. I, on the other hand, do everything that his mom and grandma did, on top of that what his father would do around the house and with the finances/paperwork, plus I work as a lawyer in my own firm (I have three employees).

We are surrounded by families with stay-at-home moms who are treated with respect and love by their husbands.

I personally do not know any other woman who earns $200k, except for big law partners. And it is still not enough. Sometimes I don't even know what to tell him, I just feel like crying.

Nothing to offer in terms of advice except empathy. I so, so feel for you. I am experiencing much of the same.
I think your daughter will understand with time the value you bring though.

OP here. Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry that you are going through the same issues.

My daughter already seems to understand the value of prioritizing her over earning more money. She often tells me that she appreciates me spending time with her.

Wishing you the best!

[Anonymous]

You're a doormat. You make enough to leave his ass. I make minimum wage and did it. You have no one to blame except yourself for staying. Get a grip, lady. Why do you accept that he treats you like sh**?

[Anonymous]

OP. Please see an individual therapist by yourself (not couples therapy), so that you can get support and education about emotional and verbal abuse.

You can also google about narcissism and “reactive abuse” which sound a bit like you describe.

No matter what you teach your DD, she is likely to repeat your relationship style in her own partnerships. We model our romantic relationships on what we see growjng up because that seems normal yo us.

[Anonymous]

He’s def having an affair and probably has another family somewhere. You make enough. Divorce him.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t sound like he likes you, or there is anything worth saving in this marriage. Yes, you’ll have to communicate about custody, but what he puts in the microwave will no longer be your problem. The way he speaks to you in front of your daughter is not ok. Get some therapy, develop some dignity and send respect and model that for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth are you staying? Get consults with lawyers involved in high conflict divorces and separate. I say high conflict because although he claims to want to divorce he won’t want to split assets or lose his abuse partner. You deserve better. Also it’s possible to live well on 1/3 of you hhi. Esp with one kid!!!! We do it with 3!

[Anonymous]

You are correct that you have a child with this man and therefore you will always have to communicate to some degree. But you are not taking into account how much less frequent it would be if you were to divorce. You could use an app designed for exes to communicate, there would be lawyers involved if he gets vindictive, etc.

Are you in therapy, OP? I think you'd benefit from having someone listen and offer suggestions and new strategies.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am reviving this post a year later to give an update and get some feedback on the current situation:

Six weeks ago H agreed to move to the guest apartment himself. I suggested, and he rejected the idea of splitting up days when we would each take turns spending time with our daughter (like "you take care of her Friday afternoons/evenings, Saturday mornings, Sunday afternoons" or any other combination). He says he wants to be able to see our daughter anytime. I told him of course, she could go to the guest apartment at any time, he needs only to text or call her. He doesn't want that either. He shows up at any random time in the main house. As a result, I am stressed out of my mind anytime he is at home (in the guest apartment), knowing that he might come over at any time and say something that hurts me. His latest statements: "Your are just incapable of being content, you have never been content." "There is so much negativity coming from you, I can't be expected to be civil toward you."

I dread it whenever he is at home, even if he is in the guest apartment. I don't know how to get him to come over only at predetermined times (when I would be either in my home office or out of the house).

Our daughter wants me to stay in the main house and not switch with H, because she wants me upstairs with her at night, especially when H is away at work during several nights a week.

Changes from a year ago:
- Now he comes home not only during the weekend, but also during Monday and Thursday nights.
- Now he does not threaten with moving out anymore. On the contrary, he insists on living here and would ideally want me to move out asap.
- I told him that I would be moving out as soon as our daughter goes off to college (still a few years out).

[Anonymous]

Did you post somewhat recently about this? I feel like I remember a post a few weeks ago about a DH who was only home on the weekends and abusing his wife and child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you post somewhat recently about this? I feel like I remember a post a few weeks ago about a DH who was only home on the weekends and abusing his wife and child?

And OP of that thread didn't want to leave her "beautiful home".. sounds like the same.