H claims that I abuse him emotionally, whereas I think it is the other way around

[Anonymous]

I don’t think he would want much custody (and he’s already gone during the week) so not a ton would change if you divorced, except you would be rid of a POS. He might be able to keep the house and you could easily afford something nice with your salary. There’s really no downside. I don’t understand why you are still there.

[Anonymous]

You’re too controlling, OP. His behavior is his responsibility. If he wants a relationship with his daughter, that’s his job to do that. If he has mail that comes to the house, it’s his job to open it. If he says something rude, your job is to set and enforce boundaries, not try to control his behavior.

I wouldn’t read up on codependency and see a therapist. You can’t change him but you can change yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this man plans to divorce you and you should get your ducks in a row. It doesn’t matter how much you adore the house—it is no compensation at all for what you are experiencing.

You have to figure out how to get divorced in a way that will help him disengage more. Directly trying to box him out won’t work. But something might.

This. The reason he is pushing you to make more money is he wants to pay less in child support. Also he likes holding it over you.

This guy is a dick. Get divorced. And he should move to the apartment, not you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you should divorce this guy, sell that house, and start fresh for you and your daughter.

You make enough to live. You and dd could have a nice calm home where you are not verbally abused.

You should look around online for examples of custody arrangements. Many parents have it where child exchanges take place after school/aftercare, so you don't see the other parent. There are communication apps, like My Family Wizard, that parents can use to communicate in situations like this where there is abuse (yes, he is abusing you).

I wouldn't waste any more of my life living with that guy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all your replies. I will speak to a divorce attorney.

Another angle to the story is that I gained 45 pounds in the past five years, and cannot be considered attractive anymore. He is very much into physical beauty.
However, even if I lose the weight and he becomes kinder to me, I would still find him repulsive.

He cheated on me even 6 years ago when I was a lovely and slender woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all your replies. I will speak to a divorce attorney.

Another angle to the story is that I gained 45 pounds in the past five years, and cannot be considered attractive anymore. He is very much into physical beauty.
However, even if I lose the weight and he becomes kinder to me, I would still find him repulsive.

He cheated on me even 6 years ago when I was a lovely and slender woman.

Good. Protect your interests and do it quietly. Don't tell anyone, not even a friend. Leaks happen. Right now -- in this -- you are your own best friend, and you are going to put her first for now. You don't have to make any other decisions yet, just quietly get good advice from a professional beholden only to you, and then figure out what the next step should be.

One way or another, this situation will change. Don't be blindsided by someone else springing that on you while you have to scramble to keep up. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Get those separate finances at the friendly neighborhood family court. Everybody wins.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think that dividing the house into two separate units would cut down on a lot if interaction (for example related to the kitchen, as one PP has pointed out). This can easily be accomplished just by putting up a drywall at a staircase. This would allow us to keep the house.

Of course, we would have to come up with a suitable financial arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this man plans to divorce you and you should get your ducks in a row. It doesn’t matter how much you adore the house—it is no compensation at all for what you are experiencing.

You have to figure out how to get divorced in a way that will help him disengage more. Directly trying to box him out won’t work. But something might.

Completely agree. Esp if he works three hours away! Talk to lawyer. You’d prob get child support and spousal support. If you can’t live off 200K + child + spousal support, you have a problem. And he’d have to buy you out of the house + split other assets. But wait, you don’t want to move out of your huge and beautiful house. So you’ll just sacrifice your happiness, emotional balance, and your daughter’s understanding of what a woman should tolerate. Agree with the previous poster who said that it’s jarring how helpless some well-off people can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think that dividing the house into two separate units would cut down on a lot if interaction (for example related to the kitchen, as one PP has pointed out). This can easily be accomplished just by putting up a drywall at a staircase. This would allow us to keep the house.

Of course, we would have to come up with a suitable financial arrangement.

Honestly I think he’s too much of a jerk for you to live that close to him. You need to let go of prioritizing this house. You can find another place to live. Living on site together should be temporary solution only

[Anonymous]

OP - as kind as possible - you are obsessed with this house. You are teaching your daughter that all bad behavior by him is good because "look at this house!". You can't bemoan the value system that he's showing your daughter when you, as the person who spends the most time with her and her mom is teaching her that things are more valuable than joy and a peaceful life.

I'd sit down with myself and ask if that she turned out just like you, putting up with a DH like yours - would you be happy for her? If not, what advice would you give and follow that.

I promise you no one is on their death bed grateful for the big house they bought.

[Anonymous]

He’s definitely cheating now OP. I’ve always thought that the decision to divorce should be based on whether your life is going to be better or worse without the other person. In this case there’s zero downside to divorce. $200k is a great salary. And OP does everything anyway. Sell the house and find a more affordable place to live. Your weight has nothing at all to do with anything aside from your own self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Let go of the house! Separating it into two units with drywall is not the answer.

[Anonymous]

You are teaching your daughter that money/a house are more important than her self worth. The messaging she is getting from you is terrible too.

You need to get out of this marriage.

[Anonymous]

I would have let him blow up that microwave.