H claims that I abuse him emotionally, whereas I think it is the other way around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My daughter is too young, but at some point I will explain to her that there is a lot of value in all the other work that a parent does.

NO, she is not too young. I talk about these things, as a SAHM, to my 6 year old daughter. We talk about having jobs, and how what I do is also work, even though it's not paid because it's for our family and not for the outside. You must absolutely speak these things because she won't just "get" it, necessarily. And about relationships, and about values, and about what takes work, about the fact that mom is also a person and needs time to rest and deserves to be happy.
You need to talk about things you think are implicit, because kids don't have your experience and it's not implicit to them a lot of the times.

[Anonymous]

PP above. I want to add that the things he says to you, as described, are absolutely inappropriate, and if said in *front of your daughter* are completely beyond the pale.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yes, he says these things in front of our daughter, "because she deserves to know the truth". It is really painful to me and I don't know how to stop him. He just explodes even more when I tell him not to talk like that in front of her because he is poisoning her childhood.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts about talking to kids regarding the value of unpaid work in the home. I think I'll start doing that, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like my DH, who doesn’t have a clue about a lot of things but is incredibly rigid and defiant when informed of something like the foil situation you described. In our case, we don’t love our house. Everything else is similar down to DH claiming I am “abusive.”

The reality is that DH’s family of origin has a lot of mental health and developmental disorders. He was diagnosed with ADHD and HFA as an adult, although he claims that the many specialists involved in this long diagnostic process are wrong. Anyway, DH perceives any feedback or communication short of silence or a compliment to be mean, angry, argumentative, critical, etc. His parents walked on eggshells around him and his sister as a coping mechanism to manage their issues amidst cultural resistance to diagnosis or support, but unfortunately that resulted in his perception now that anything short of adulation is “abuse”.

I would consider myself to be in a situation that involves emotional abuse, but I don’t have a good plan to get out of this that protects my DD. I’m working on documentation of both DH’s behavior and medical situation in the hopes that it would protect me in a custody soJustin.

OP here. PP, big hugs to you. Your situation really does sound similar, down to his parents "walking on eggshells" around him.
How old is your daughter?
As you said yourself, the issue is that there is hardly a way to avoid communicating with him at least regarding the child, even after a divorce. In my own situation, I couldn't keep the house if we divorce, and all of us adore it.

Sending you support and validation, OP. It is a hard and lonely life. My DD is 8 and old enough to know that things are off-balance in our family, but not old enough to enough spend solo time with other families that she realizes that my DH is not normal or ok. I do worry about every single thing she’s internalized about me as a person and how women should be treated- I’m also careful to not explain everything to her because this is not her problem and she deserves to be a child and not feel responsible for my life. I wish I had living extended family to retreat to so my DD and I would have a safe and understanding place to land and start over.

The hard part about a relationship like this is the secrecy. The few times I’ve tried to reach out to friends or family for support I received a lot of blame or just total lack of understanding- DH appears normal and even warm to others because of the work I’ve done to prop him up and protect my DD. I hope you don’t continue to suffer alone and in silence, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, he says these things in front of our daughter, "because she deserves to know the truth". It is really painful to me and I don't know how to stop him. He just explodes even more when I tell him not to talk like that in front of her because he is poisoning her childhood.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts about talking to kids regarding the value of unpaid work in the home. I think I'll start doing that, too.

My experience is much milder. I have a generally kind spouse who gets carried away and says some jaw-dropping things sometimes but feels bad about it later, so I have it easier.

You can at least, calmly and without emotion or getting angry yourself, correct the record, tell him to stop yelling, that what he is saying is not ok.
These are not eloquent, I'm sure you can find better examples, but in response to things like "she deserves to know the truth that you're horrible!" You might say, "that hurts my feelings. Please stop saying mean things to me. That is not ok." Or if he starts picking a fight in front of your daughter, you might say "I do not want to pick a fight. We can calmly discuss any issues later tonight, but not right now. If we can't have a calm meal, I need to take a break and leave." And then leave to a different room. Just do things to take the oxygen out of the fire. That shows your daughter that you don't pick fights but also stand up for yourself, teaches her the treatment is not ok, and gives you a measure of control in the situation that is otherwise ruled by his anger/ tantrum. If he threatens to divorce you in front of your daughter, you can say "that's a serious step that we should discuss separately. It's not a discussion for right now. Please stop." If he keeps going, consider inviting your daughter to leave the room to do chores/ go for a walk/ whatever.

If it turns remotely physical, you are in physical abuse land and know you need to get out.

[Anonymous]

PP, thanks, this is really helpful.

[Anonymous]

I think this man plans to divorce you and you should get your ducks in a row. It doesn’t matter how much you adore the house—it is no compensation at all for what you are experiencing.

You have to figure out how to get divorced in a way that will help him disengage more. Directly trying to box him out won’t work. But something might.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like my DH, who doesn’t have a clue about a lot of things but is incredibly rigid and defiant when informed of something like the foil situation you described. In our case, we don’t love our house. Everything else is similar down to DH claiming I am “abusive.”

The reality is that DH’s family of origin has a lot of mental health and developmental disorders. He was diagnosed with ADHD and HFA as an adult, although he claims that the many specialists involved in this long diagnostic process are wrong. Anyway, DH perceives any feedback or communication short of silence or a compliment to be mean, angry, argumentative, critical, etc. His parents walked on eggshells around him and his sister as a coping mechanism to manage their issues amidst cultural resistance to diagnosis or support, but unfortunately that resulted in his perception now that anything short of adulation is “abuse”.

I would consider myself to be in a situation that involves emotional abuse, but I don’t have a good plan to get out of this that protects my DD. I’m working on documentation of both DH’s behavior and medical situation in the hopes that it would protect me in a custody soJustin.

OP here. PP, big hugs to you. Your situation really does sound similar, down to his parents "walking on eggshells" around him.
How old is your daughter?
As you said yourself, the issue is that there is hardly a way to avoid communicating with him at least regarding the child, even after a divorce. In my own situation, I couldn't keep the house if we divorce, and all of us adore it.

OP, and I say this gently, do you all adore that house more than your own health and happiness? How about your daughter's?

I think that house is an idol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to find a man OP. I would rather be alone than be treated like that. And you make good money.

+1.

You are not finding any nice man. The divorced men that are out there are men like the one you are divorcing.

Don't divorce with the delusion that you will find someone better.

Divorce because it's better to be aline than to be with your DH. It's better for your daughter too to not see you being treated this way in your own home. Your home should be a peaceful place for you and her. It's better for her to get that environment 50% of the time than never.

[Anonymous]

I make way less than you and I got a divorce. Do better for your child. You will be fine.

[Anonymous]

A divorce would solve all those problems listed above. Get to the school when you want if you have your child that day, let him be in charge of buying and finding ingredients in his own fridge, let him clean up the mess from putting foil in the microwave. It sounds like he wants to get divorced but is too scared to initiate anything so he wants you to do it.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible something else is going on, since he lives away for most of the week? Perhaps another person? Or has this behavior been consistent? What was the thought on breaking up your family instead of you all moving closer to his job. Maybe he is resentful of this

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everybody for your great input. It is really something to think about.

Regarding his job 3 hours away, that's in a bad area, so there was never any question of us moving there.

While he has cheated several times in the past, I don't think there is another person now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everybody for your great input. It is really something to think about.

Regarding his job 3 hours away, that's in a bad area, so there was never any question of us moving there.

While he has cheated several times in the past, I don't think there is another person now.

Oh, my.

OP, sometimes the cheapest way to pay for something is with money, and with money you earn yourself. Sometimes there are situations for which no amount of money, and no amount of lovely house, is enough.

You can purchase a door that closes and leaves you alone, or just with your beautiful daughter. Maybe that's the door to an apartment for awhile, or maybe it's a little house that looks not nearly as nice as the one you adore on the outside, but inside -- there is no him. Just you and your peace.

Talk to a lawyer. Just find out what options are open to you, and tell nobody else. Just get good advice and find out.

[Anonymous]

Op - you make a good salary. Enough to support yourself and your daughter. Why would you stay in your situation just for your house that you “adore”?

This is not to be mean but there is no way in h$ll I would let someone talk to me like that. Especially in front of my child. Stand up for yourself and get out of this relationship.