H claims that I abuse him emotionally, whereas I think it is the other way around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have made earning money the focus of your marriage. You are reaping what you are sowing. Stop focusing so much on who earns what. Tell your husband let's stop focusing on income as long as the bills are getting paid it doesn't matter who earns what. Stop focusing on money. Stop focusing on your pride. Focus on enjoying your home, your child. As long as you make salary the foundation of your marriage, it will slowly destroy your marriage.

You two are supposed to be a team.

No one cares about your money except you, OP.

OP here. It is exactly the opposite of what you are claiming. It is my husband who emphasizes the income situation, not me. I work reduced hours (pick up my daughter at 3 pm) because I value and prioritize parenting our child.

I told H many times that there is an opportunity cost in terms of our daughter's well-being if we parents merely focus on maxing out our earning potential. He wouldn't listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh right, because I'm sure we are getting all of the facts and straight talk from a story this biased.

The fact that this story is so biased probably means the OP is toxic.

Any thread on DCUM describes only one person's point of view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you move into the apartment and then you each get one weekend day with your daughter?

OP here. Thanks, that's a great idea.

The reality is that whenever he wants to "spend time with her", he ends up watching Youtube videos in his bedroom, and letting our daughter do screen time in her bedroom. Or they drive to grocery store. It is up to me if I want her to do anything else than these two activities.

I think I should give her some ideas about what to request to do when he wants to spend time with him.

Your husband sounds horrible - but I've always really enjoyed going to the grocery store with my dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Another issue that I have is that him valuing only monetary contribution to a marriage instills the wrong values in our daughter. He completely ignores the fact that I take care of absolutely everything concerning childcare, household, finances, etc. For example I pick up our daughter at 3 pm every day.

I really don't think that I should stay at the office until 7 pm to the detriment of our child, if we don't need it financially, just to prove a point. He is very mad about this attitude and ignores my work as a mother. Of course, he is not even present during the week.

My daughter is too young, but at some point I will explain to her that there is a lot of value in all the other work that a parent does.

The irony is that H had a stay-at-home mom and a live-in grandma. I, on the other hand, do everything that his mom and grandma did, on top of that what his father would do around the house and with the finances/paperwork, plus I work as a lawyer in my own firm (I have three employees).

We are surrounded by families with stay-at-home moms who are treated with respect and love by their husbands.

I personally do not know any other woman who earns $200k, except for big law partners. And it is still not enough. Sometimes I don't even know what to tell him, I just feel like crying.

Your husband seems to despise you and barely acknowledges the existence of his daughter. What's good in this marriage? Is there anything?

Based on what you wrote I would absolutely 100% start spending alone time in the separate apartment on the weekends. My primary advice is detach, detach, detach. You are not doing anything wrong, but you keep trying to interact with his nastiness by being normal. Just stop. He wants to cook with your kid and wants you to leave the kitchen? Go. Maybe even leave the house. He wants to re-heat salmon in tinfoil in the microwave? Let him. Maybe stand by with the fire extinguisher. He wants to show up at school at 8am? Send the email instructions for dropoff and say, "Ok." None of these are major issues. Just let it go.

My secondary advice is therapy for you. You seem really invested in continuing in this situation and prolonging it. If you are divorced, then guess what? You aren't obligated to communicate with him other than on basic logistics in regard to your daughter. Also, see a lawyer and get some advice on your finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think that dividing the house into two separate units would cut down on a lot if interaction (for example related to the kitchen, as one PP has pointed out). This can easily be accomplished just by putting up a drywall at a staircase. This would allow us to keep the house.

Of course, we would have to come up with a suitable financial arrangement.

You're a skilled troll, but you went just a little too far.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are valuing the house more highly than your own happiness – better a peaceful life in a shack. That is insane.

Get yourself hooked up with a really good divorce lawyer.

[Anonymous]

He is obviously abusive and you owe it to your daughter and yourself to divorce him. He is not home during the week, so file, serve him when he comes home. Ask that he leave, file for a TRO based on his constant verbal abuse if he refuses. I get that this is hard and you’d rather not do it, but you don’t actually have that choice. Your daughter doesn’t deserve to live like this. You’re letting him bully you in front of her because… you love your house and you’d have less money without him and you’d still have to talk to him. Get over the money issue. You’ll Get a great small place later. As for still talking to him, he’s so awful you may end up with a facilitator. Regardless. You don’t stay with someone because they’re so awful to you you can’t leave.

[Anonymous]

Narcissist. Or if this is new, he is having an affair and doing the blame you for all of it tactic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all your replies. I will speak to a divorce attorney.

Another angle to the story is that I gained 45 pounds in the past five years, and cannot be considered attractive anymore. He is very much into physical beauty.
However, even if I lose the weight and he becomes kinder to me, I would still find him repulsive.

He cheated on me even 6 years ago when I was a lovely and slender woman.

Good. Protect your interests and do it quietly. Don't tell anyone, not even a friend. Leaks happen. Right now -- in this -- you are your own best friend, and you are going to put her first for now. You don't have to make any other decisions yet, just quietly get good advice from a professional beholden only to you, and then figure out what the next step should be.

One way or another, this situation will change. Don't be blindsided by someone else springing that on you while you have to scramble to keep up. Good luck.

+1

We are rooting for you, OP! Keep us posted!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t protect her. He will treat her better if you stay out of it because he will have to and not blame you. People with HFA often blame others to not take accountability themselves. They have rejection sensitivity because of high anxiety. You being part of the equation gives him an excuse to behave badly. When you are out of it, he will have more reason to behave well. If you want what is best for your daughter I think you let them bond in their own way. It won’t be a neurotypical way but it will hopefully be a loving relationship in the way he can achieve that. He probably only wants one weekend day a week or month anyway. Don’t sweat it.

What a load of crap. You are not only diagnosing this ass&ole as HFA with no evidence whatsoever that he is. Maybe he is just an ass(ole. That's a possibility. Also, there is no such thing as "HFA often blame others." Stop generalizing!!!

You’re are right that some HFA are kind and manage their symptoms and some are maladaptive a-holes who destroy relationships.

Either way, Op has the second kind as a spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t protect her. He will treat her better if you stay out of it because he will have to and not blame you. People with HFA often blame others to not take accountability themselves. They have rejection sensitivity because of high anxiety. You being part of the equation gives him an excuse to behave badly. When you are out of it, he will have more reason to behave well. If you want what is best for your daughter I think you let them bond in their own way. It won’t be a neurotypical way but it will hopefully be a loving relationship in the way he can achieve that. He probably only wants one weekend day a week or month anyway. Don’t sweat it.

What a load of crap. You are not only diagnosing this ass&ole as HFA with no evidence whatsoever that he is. Maybe he is just an ass(ole. That's a possibility. Also, there is no such thing as "HFA often blame others." Stop generalizing!!!

You’re are right that some HFA are kind and manage their symptoms and some are maladaptive a-holes who destroy relationships.

Either way, Op has the second kind as a spouse.

Yes. Autism is about processing information and communication, not about what someone values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:dialectical behavioral therapy. www.insteppc.com

+1000 DBT for explosive ASD adults

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you move into the apartment and then you each get one weekend day with your daughter?

OP here. Thanks, that's a great idea.

The reality is that whenever he wants to "spend time with her", he ends up watching Youtube videos in his bedroom, and letting our daughter do screen time in her bedroom. Or they drive to grocery store. It is up to me if I want her to do anything else than these two activities.

I think I should give her some ideas about what to request to do when he wants to spend time with him.

Do you have separate bedrooms at your house? That's hardly the issue in your relationship as you spend the week in different locations but I'm wondering how obvious the strain in your relationship is to your daughter. If it's very obvious to her that things are strained it may be a relief if you and your husband acknowledge it to her and explain how you are working to amicably coexist and parent her.

My advice to you would be to try speak directly with your husband about what YOU want (what do you want?). If I were in your position I would want a more respectful and amicable relationship with my partner or if that's not possible, I would want a divorce and to amicably parent my daughter. Outside of financial security I'm not sure what you're getting out of your relationship. Do you think your husband will want to stay in your marriage once your daughter goes to college? My guess is he will want to divorce and/or completely stop coming home on the weekends other than when your daughter is home from college. This is not a good way to live - for you or your child.

[Anonymous]

PP is right. Divorce is costly for the higher earner especially. He wants to divorce you but the money is holding him back. At least you both have that in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh right, because I'm sure we are getting all of the facts and straight talk from a story this biased.

The fact that this story is so biased probably means the OP is toxic.

Any thread on DCUM describes only one person's point of view.

+1. This is self evident so why must it always be said?