H claims that I abuse him emotionally, whereas I think it is the other way around

[Anonymous]

I would get a divorce to get away from the abuse. You can get a smaller beautiful hours or a condo.
I left my abusive partner and life is so much better.

[Anonymous]

You're a lawyer. Get a good divorce lawyer and LEAVE HIM. Take half. Take your daughter. Don't wait for her to go to college. She will be better off in the long run if you divorce now. Force a sale of the damned house as part of the divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP doesnt want to have to get a job, so she stays with someone who abuses her and their daughter. Very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP doesnt want to have to get a job, so she stays with someone who abuses her and their daughter. Very sad.

OP here. What are you talking about? I work. This year has been particularly good, I will be making 300k.

[Anonymous]

Your update is so depressing.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you aren’t going to divorce him, you need to go totally grey rock. It only hurts your feelings because you let us and on some level you still care what he thinks about you. If some crazy man on the street yelled at you, would your feelings be hurt? No. You need to mentally relegate him to crazy man on the street status. If he comes into the main house, continue what you are doing or just leave the room. If he starts a fight, respond as briefly as possible and then leave. There is no need to respond to comments like “you’re expendable.” Just walk away. He may eventually get bored with trying to pick at you. He’s probably an emotional vampire — he is trying to get a negative charge off you because he feeds off this. Do not give that to him.

The other option is to get a divorce and move out, or have a judge decide who gets the house. But I can see where you don’t want to risk upsetting your daughter’s living situation, especially if he is gone most of the week. I think you’re probably setting yourself up well for getting the house in a divorce, since you do most of thx childcare and he has already moved to the apartment.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update!

Is your home...Versailles? Because otherwise, I can't imagine dealing with this crap. I am 99% sure you can get a divorce and find a really nice condo that you & your daughter can be at peace in. Your daughter is getting older and can handle the visitation with DH...she'll be on her phone/devices all the time soon anyway as a tween, don't sweat it if their time together is devices/cooking/food.

And if you are determined to stay and make this work - time for some affirmations in the mirror. You 1) do not love this person 2) do not respect this person 3) are not impacted by this person's opinions. So if he strolls over to your side of the casa, what do you care? NOTHING. Let anything he has to say go in one ear and out the other. His opinion is nothing burger. If you want, make it a game to see what insane stuff he says that you can post to DCUM. But otherwise - who. cares. if he comes over and spouts nonsense. You are not accepting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I dread it whenever he is at home, even if he is in the guest apartment. I don't know how to get him to come over only at predetermined times (when I would be either in my home office or out of the house).

Yeah, you can't control that, if you are accepting this setup.

If you want to make it work, just make yourself scarce as soon as he strolls over. "Going to pop in the shower." "Going to do some laundry." Quietly exit and go to your laptop & put your earbuds in, if anyone finds you, say you are catching up on work training. The minute he shows up to interact with DD, go do something else - I'm sure you have plenty to do! If you do not like the little interactions with DH, avoid like the plague with a plausible excuse. Avoidance, gray rock, no response until college is your motto.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the advice!

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I don't think that I can do the avoidance tactic and being on the edge for seven years until DD goes off to college. If I can't get him to come over only at agreed-upon times (he has made it very clear that he does not care about my feelings) then I see no choice but I will move into the guest apartment myself. At least there i can lock the door behind me. DD will not like it alone upstairs in the main house. I also don't know how the weekends will work out. But I guess me in the guest apartment will still be better than moving out completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you post somewhat recently about this? I feel like I remember a post a few weeks ago about a DH who was only home on the weekends and abusing his wife and child?

And OP of that thread didn't want to leave her "beautiful home".. sounds like the same.

Agreed, she posts about this all the time and the answer is always the same: she should leave but she likes her house more than her sanity apparently.

[Anonymous]

Op, this is insane, for the love of god, get a divorce! Forget about the house. What you’re describing is probably taking years off your life, and probably your daughter’s too.

My mom was never able to leave my abusive dad and I struggle with my feelings about her. Some days I think very little of her. And I know her decision to not leave harmed me in the long run.

[Anonymous]

That’s not a beautiful, adored home. That’s a beautiful, adored prison.

[Anonymous]

I think OP also posted this https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1224670.page staying together is obviously hurting the kid but OP seems to like her house better than her daughter. Happy in a condo is better than sad in a mansion, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in a similar situation.

I think detaching is the only thing you can do in the short term. Don't respond. Look up BIFF -- Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. This is how you respond to high conflict people. I suggest that you go out on the weekends or even possibly travel and leave him to care for your child. The more you separate yourself the healthier you will feel. Do not just hang around making yourself passive bait for his abuse.

Longterm steps: therapist for you, consult a lawyer, check out real estate, and slowly dismantle your fears of moving away from this person.

He may be borderline -- this is what my therapist thinks my husband is. People with borderline personality demonize others once they split (only see the bad in you). They have hair trigger tempers and frequent explosions of rage. You are always at fault and they crave being the victim, therefore you are made to be the perpetrator. You are not crazy. He is.

Regarding the practical situation, I am also very attached to our home and unsure of whether I can maintain it without my husband. Yet I am also clear (finally) on the fact that this is very unhealthy and I need to prioritize health. We have been separated for six months and are supposed to be coming back together but I'm really not sure what is going to happen. I have similar worries that he would torment me in divorce also, since the separation has been hell and he has found lots of ways to get at me -- twisting situations to make it my fault, threats, putting the kids in the middle of our conflicts. It's going to be at least ten more years of raising the kids together so that does hold me back from going to an instant divorce. We are supposed to be starting therapy together. I don't know if he will listen to the therapist.

I wish you peace, OP. It's awful and I know because I am there now too. We will get to the other side of this and it will be better.

OP here. Sending you big hugs. Your situation is so similar to mine. I, too, am concerned that a divorce would bring out more nastiness in my husband.

I can only tell you what others on this thread have kindly advised me: do the math with a divorce lawyer, see how much you would be entitled to, including child support. You may be able to keep the house. Best wishes to you!

OP, it’s PP back with an update.

First, I’m sorry to hear about your situation. You’re still walking on eggshells. (Btw that’s a great book — Walking on Eggshells — about being in a relationship with a borderline person. Might be helpful.)

I divorced. I kept the house. It’s been nothing but a positive for me, to be honest. Yes, it’s hard not seeing the kids when they are not here, but I do see them a lot … between my custody days, visits, extracurriculars and other school events, it works out to almost every day each month.

The amount of stress that has gone out of my life is unbelievable. I feel so, so much happier. I have a peaceful space that is no longer full of toxicity and that is just mine. Yes, he is still mentally ill and occasionally harassing. I’m learning to just let go and accept that this is his nature and will not change. I am no longer wishing or expecting him to be rational, not aggressive, not attention seeking etc.

I met someone else and I don’t know if or when it will go somewhere, but that’s been nice. And I also know that if it goes nowhere I’ll still be happy. My life has expanded so much.

I wish the same freedom and happiness for you, OP. I hope you’re able to break free of this and have your life back. Although the hardest thing for me was accepting that this meant losing time with my kids and feeling like I was not always there for them, I feel that I was able to give them a lot of gifts that I wasn’t able to do before. My self-respect was in the trash because of the abuse and gaslighting I tolerated daily. At least this way they see as a full person, getting back to myself, and they’ll know that it’s ok to leave an unhealthy relationship and that you can affirm yourself in a positive way without anyone else. That is important too.