Reply to H claims that I abuse him emotionally, whereas I think it is the other way around

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Reply to "H claims that I abuse him emotionally, whereas I think it is the other way around"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm in a similar situation.

I think detaching is the only thing you can do in the short term. Don't respond. Look up BIFF -- Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. This is how you respond to high conflict people. I suggest that you go out on the weekends or even possibly travel and leave him to care for your child. The more you separate yourself the healthier you will feel. Do not just hang around making yourself passive bait for his abuse.

Longterm steps: therapist for you, consult a lawyer, check out real estate, and slowly dismantle your fears of moving away from this person.

He may be borderline -- this is what my therapist thinks my husband is. People with borderline personality demonize others once they split (only see the bad in you). They have hair trigger tempers and frequent explosions of rage. You are always at fault and they crave being the victim, therefore you are made to be the perpetrator. You are not crazy. He is.

Regarding the practical situation, I am also very attached to our home and unsure of whether I can maintain it without my husband. Yet I am also clear (finally) on the fact that this is very unhealthy and I need to prioritize health. We have been separated for six months and are supposed to be coming back together but I'm really not sure what is going to happen. I have similar worries that he would torment me in divorce also, since the separation has been hell and he has found lots of ways to get at me -- twisting situations to make it my fault, threats, putting the kids in the middle of our conflicts. It's going to be at least ten more years of raising the kids together so that does hold me back from going to an instant divorce. We are supposed to be starting therapy together. I don't know if he will listen to the therapist.

I wish you peace, OP. It's awful and I know because I am there now too. We will get to the other side of this and it will be better.[/quote]

OP here. Sending you big hugs. Your situation is so similar to mine. I, too, am concerned that a divorce would bring out more nastiness in my husband.

I can only tell you what others on this thread have kindly advised me: do the math with a divorce lawyer, see how much you would be entitled to, including child support. You may be able to keep the house. Best wishes to you![/quote]

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