H claims that I abuse him emotionally, whereas I think it is the other way around

[Anonymous]

He works three hours away and is only home on the weekends.

Just stop interacting with the guy. Keep communication to a minimum. If he starts insulting you, walk out. If he wants to do something like cook with your daughter, leave the kitchen entirely. He's an unpleasant weekend visitor that you have to put up with.

[Anonymous]

Op, why don’t you just get divorced? Is it truly just the house? You mentioned leaving after your daughter left for college, but why is that a factor? Isn’t this dynamic hurting her too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read this whole thread, OP, but I read your opening entry and I have two thoughts.
1–your DH does not feel appreciated by you, so his insecurity leads him to point out his financial contribution as the “heavy lift” in the relationship. Just as *your* heavy lift is all the organizational details of the household and of your daughter’s appointments and happenings. You didn’t really say what YOU have said that leads into the “you are expendable…”comment. Does he mean financially he’d rather have you focusing on household things than monetary contributions? Or does he actually mean YOU??

2–in the example scenarios you gave, he is reacting to you as though you are someone he does not LIKE. Forget love. He is actually dripping with disdain in how he responds to you and speaks to you. (Obviously based on your summary)
But this likely didn’t come out of nowhere.
Because it also sounds like you continue to “push his buttons” to exacerbate every situation—whether you mean to or not. And you seem yo always have a very good reason for correcting him or interjecting with your opinion that contradicts his statement—but the fact is that he is not in a mindset to hear the “very good reason” because he is at a point where he feels that all hears from you is criticism, nitpicking, and contradiction to every thought or idea or opinion or action that he has. Literally. That is how he is internalizing each interaction you detailed.
You gave a perfectly reasonable explanation for your actions and statements that frankly makes YOU sound a little gaslight-y. Like any normal person would react negatively to someone pushing their hand away from the microwave.
If he constantly feel like you are someone who acts like she thinks she knows it all—then og course he’s going to get irritated when you —yet again—tell him he doesn’t know what he’s talking about when he makes the “ITD be a good idea to get there early and meet the other parents” suggestion.
OP—you may be right about that. But if you complain that he isn’t involved in DD’s activities or household things and then he makes an attempt only to be corrected by you about how he doesn’t know anything about that….then where is the incentive for him to engage?

I think bottom line is that you are genuinely not in touch with how you have been engaging with him and this has all built up inside him until he just can’t anymore.

You need to take some ownership and just sit down with him and tell him you realized that he is perceiving your comments as criticism and you don’t want to have that kind of relationship.
He just wants you to value him and feel proud of him but to him it feels like you are always correcting him. Tell him you are going ti be more mindful if that and then start treating him like someone you value and admire.

Why are you blaming the victim? He is gaslighting op and is clearly abusive. Likely a narcissist or a cheater.

[Anonymous]

It is merely a house. Not a home. Your refusal to leave the walls that surround you is detrimental to both you and your daughter. Yet you continue to place it above the well being of you both. You are hurting her with your stubbornness and attachment to material things. One day she will ask you why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP also claims her husband gaslights her when she leaves a pot boiling on the stove and walks away to take a phone call... Somehow that is his fault that OP is an airhead.

Ok good I thought I had read a post like OPs before and the pot one was it.

Bizarre family circumstance. If at all true both parents are wackos

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read this whole thread, OP, but I read your opening entry and I have two thoughts.
1–your DH does not feel appreciated by you, so his insecurity leads him to point out his financial contribution as the “heavy lift” in the relationship. Just as *your* heavy lift is all the organizational details of the household and of your daughter’s appointments and happenings. You didn’t really say what YOU have said that leads into the “you are expendable…”comment. Does he mean financially he’d rather have you focusing on household things than monetary contributions? Or does he actually mean YOU??

2–in the example scenarios you gave, he is reacting to you as though you are someone he does not LIKE. Forget love. He is actually dripping with disdain in how he responds to you and speaks to you. (Obviously based on your summary)
But this likely didn’t come out of nowhere.
Because it also sounds like you continue to “push his buttons” to exacerbate every situation—whether you mean to or not. And you seem yo always have a very good reason for correcting him or interjecting with your opinion that contradicts his statement—but the fact is that he is not in a mindset to hear the “very good reason” because he is at a point where he feels that all hears from you is criticism, nitpicking, and contradiction to every thought or idea or opinion or action that he has. Literally. That is how he is internalizing each interaction you detailed.
You gave a perfectly reasonable explanation for your actions and statements that frankly makes YOU sound a little gaslight-y. Like any normal person would react negatively to someone pushing their hand away from the microwave.
If he constantly feel like you are someone who acts like she thinks she knows it all—then og course he’s going to get irritated when you —yet again—tell him he doesn’t know what he’s talking about when he makes the “ITD be a good idea to get there early and meet the other parents” suggestion.
OP—you may be right about that. But if you complain that he isn’t involved in DD’s activities or household things and then he makes an attempt only to be corrected by you about how he doesn’t know anything about that….then where is the incentive for him to engage?

I think bottom line is that you are genuinely not in touch with how you have been engaging with him and this has all built up inside him until he just can’t anymore.

You need to take some ownership and just sit down with him and tell him you realized that he is perceiving your comments as criticism and you don’t want to have that kind of relationship.
He just wants you to value him and feel proud of him but to him it feels like you are always correcting him. Tell him you are going ti be more mindful if that and then start treating him like someone you value and admire.

OP. Thanks for your input, this is an interesting perspective. I agree, in an earlier phase I would have made (and did in fact make) an effort to show more appreciation. The problem is, however, that he lacks basic life skills, so it is hard to keep up the admiring and respectful attitude. The latest example is that after more than two years of having installed the house alarm system, he seriously thinks that you can circumvent the armed door sensors "if you just open the door very slowly." I am not kidding. All while I had explained to him numerous times before that you can bypass certain sensors and how to do it.

Before people jump on me for this, though: I did NOT criticize him in any way for this statement. I merely told him in a neutral tone that no, the reason why the alarm did not go off was because I had bypassed that particular door sensor.

However, in such circumstances it is hard to "admire and respect" him.

My most stressful memory about this is when DD was 11 months old. We lived in an apartment building. Holding the baby in his arms, he met me at the garage entrance while I was entering through the gate. After my car passed under the raised barrier, he walked right through behind the car. The barrier crashed down into place literally one inch in front of the baby's head. I thought I would have a heart attack. His reaction: "I don't understand why you are so upset, neither I nor the baby were in danger at any time." This is hard to believe, but I am not making it up. One of the most traumatic memories of my life.

I still show him appreciation regarding his work, though.

Dear op, please stop listening to other apps here who are gaslighting you just like your DH does. He is abusive and has been, any single comment he sees as a criticism. At best, he is a jerk who hates you and is cheating, at worst, he is a pshyco narcisist who has run a smear campaign against you to every single person you know. You need to separate and move away your daughter from this abusive person even on the weekends.

[Anonymous]

Here is an example of a narc I worked with. There was a spreadsheet with bar codes for the packages we received. Sometimes the program was glitchy. I saved all the work done before.
He started screaming at me that I needed to scan everything again, which was a lot of work. I tried to tell him it was fine, I saved the document earlier. The response was "I don't want to hear anything from you! You do as you are told. etc." The he stormed out of the office, slamming the door like crazy. He was not my supervisor.
It is easier to quit a job, than a marriage, but still, op, you need to realize this is not ok behavior.

[Anonymous]

Can you tell him to stay away on the weekends?

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband is a narcissist. Please read “it’s not you” by Dr. Ramani Durvasula. Or listen to the audiobook. There are so many examples like yours.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PPs. This is not normal behavior. Advice based on a marital dynamic without mental illness is not relevant to your situation. If he has a Cluster B personality disorder like borderline or narcissistic PD, it means that he will see all your interactions through the lens of his attachment related trauma.

Living with someone like this for years deforms your own perspective on reality and leaves you second guessing yourself and trying to take responsibility for something you can’t change or make better. You need to break out of codependency and see your situation clearly. Do you have a therapist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible something else is going on, since he lives away for most of the week? Perhaps another person? Or has this behavior been consistent? What was the thought on breaking up your family instead of you all moving closer to his job. Maybe he is resentful of this

Important question.
With men like this sometimes they psychologically minimize what you do and glorify what they do bc hey aren’t around to do what you do so they devalue it as a defense mechanism.
It also sounds like he thinks you are overly controlling about “your” responsibilities which include raising your daughter. Are you?
He still shouldn’t treat you like that of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this man plans to divorce you and you should get your ducks in a row. It doesn’t matter how much you adore the house—it is no compensation at all for what you are experiencing.

You have to figure out how to get divorced in a way that will help him disengage more. Directly trying to box him out won’t work. But something might.

Completely agree. Esp if he works three hours away! Talk to lawyer. You’d prob get child support and spousal support. If you can’t live off 200K + child + spousal support, you have a problem. And he’d have to buy you out of the house + split other assets. But wait, you don’t want to move out of your huge and beautiful house. So you’ll just sacrifice your happiness, emotional balance, and your daughter’s understanding of what a woman should tolerate. Agree with the previous poster who said that it’s jarring how helpless some well-off people can be.

Don’t be a b!tc&. People on this site love to sit I their beds telling others how to live. Not everyone, regardless of income, is so cavalier about splitting up their family, going through a divorce with a high-earning a-hole who can outspend her on lawyers, selling their stable home in a market where they can no longer buy into an equivalent one, wrecking their finances, ensuring they can’t retire until later than planned, single parenting forever, making their child a child of divorce, and all the ramifications that will have for generations, and bringing two dating lives and eventually a (probably gold digging) stepmother and future step siblings into their child’s life. All to continue dealing with a coparent who I guarantee you will not stop saying abusive things to her and in front of the child, and the verbal abuse could get worse in divorce and after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I was around your daughter's age when my mother divorced my father who was like your husband. It was an amazing feeling having peace in the house at last.

+100, except I was a bit older. I actually lost respect for my mom when I was a teen, for just letting my dad treat her like sh*t. I vowed to never let a man treat me that way.

Typical immature attitude of a teen who doesn’t understand why women and mothers make the choices they do. Maybe she deserved support and not your selfish scorn on top of everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is definitely an old school mode of thinking that would be “ok, he makes a ton of money that buys you a luxury lifestyle and he’s only around three nights a week. Stay out of his hair the nights he is home and enjoy your life otherwise.”

I usually disagree with the above but honestly I don’t see what OP wins in a divorce. She would have less custody of her daughter and less money. It looks like it is feasible to just avoid her husband in their big house while he is home. Let him explode the microwave, like everyone else says. Let him work out his relationship with his daughter. If they’re divorced that’s what would happen anyway.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fake post. An alleged lawyer (with her own firm and employees) who earns $200k can't figure this out to the point of posting insipid comments on DCUM? Not real.

You’d be surprised.

Come on. The life of a single parent working ft with custody all week making $200K is way harder than the life of someone doing that on a $800K HHI.