H claims that I abuse him emotionally, whereas I think it is the other way around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fake post. An alleged lawyer (with her own firm and employees) who earns $200k can't figure this out to the point of posting insipid comments on DCUM? Not real.

I was going to post the same thing. Her style of writing sounds like someone barely out of college.

Well she’s not n me asking very much for a lawyer, so maybe she’s just a mommy tracked or middling lawyer. Starting salary first year out of law school at a top firm is $250K and OP is already mid-career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I don't think that I can do the avoidance tactic and being on the edge for seven years until DD goes off to college. If I can't get him to come over only at agreed-upon times (he has made it very clear that he does not care about my feelings) then I see no choice but I will move into the guest apartment myself. At least there i can lock the door behind me. DD will not like it alone upstairs in the main house. I also don't know how the weekends will work out. But I guess me in the guest apartment will still be better than moving out completely.

It’s not better. You lose any advantages of your situation by living in the guest apartment.

[Anonymous]

He is done with being married and wants out. So are you, but you are so materialistic that you are just obsessed with keeping your "beautiful house."

[Anonymous]

Do not move out of the main house.
I didn’t read all the pages so sorry if this has been mentioned already but you should start journaling about his outbursts because if you divorce, he’ll claim that you’ve been abusing him and will try to have full custody pf your child.

I’m also concerned that your daughter will end up believing that you abuse him if he keeps saying it around her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please give me advice, I am very stressed out.

My situation is similar to the poster who wrote about her $600k household income, where her husband claims to be the sole provider.

My H earns $600k, I earn around $200k.

We have a 10-year old daughter. We own a beautiful home together in an expensive area. All three of us love the house.

My H often says things like, even in front of our daughter:
"You are expendable, I could finance this house on my own, I don't need you."
"You only earn 25% of the household income, so I get to make the decisions."
"Go spend the weekend at the office so that I can enjoy the house alone."

For the record, I never say anything even remotely like this to him.

He works three hours away, so he comes home only on the weekends. This means that I do absolutely everything related to the child, the house, our finances, taxes, insurances, organizing social life, errands, etc. He has not opened an envelope in the past 17 years since we have been together. When he comes home on the weekends, he is tired and can hardly be bothered even to spend a little time with our kid. She adores him, however, and I never speak badly about him to her.

He berates me for not earning more, and says that he wants completely separate finances.

At every minor argument he explodes and threatens to move out.
For example:
Our daughter is starting a new school, and drop-off for the first day of orientation was to begin at 8:30 a.m. He told me to get to school at 8, so that we "can mingle with the other families". I tried to tell him that parents are not even supposed to get out of the car. He interrupted me, saying "listen to me for once in your life". I replied in a quiet tone that he could leave out the "once in your life". His reaction, almost verbatim: "I am sick of you belittling me all the time, of you posturing about knowing everything better than me. I want to move out. I cannot stand you as a person. You are emotionally abusive to me."

Another example:
He tried to cook something with our daughter (he is new to cooking). I encourage this as a bonding time. He told me to leave the kitchen, because this was to be his special time with her, and that he doesn't want my interference. He was looking for sour cream in the fridge. When I gave him the crème fraiche, he says that he doesn't use cow products anymore because they cause cancer. When I replied that this preference of his is new to me, and that humans have used dairy for millions of years, he said that he doesn't even want to spend any more time together, that he is tired of my constant quarrelling, that I am just like my mother and my sister (whom he hasn't seen for 10 years). Then he stormed out of the kitchen. I begged him to come back, to continue cooking with our daughter. I promised that I wouldn't say anything anymore.

A third example: he wanted to warm up a piece of salmon wrapped in foil in the microwave. He was about to push the start button when I realized what he is doing, so, not having time to explain it to him, I pushed his hand away to stop the microwave. He exploded, calling this abuse, saying that he can barely look at me anymore, that he doesn't want me around, etc.

The problem is that even if he we divorced, as long as we have to communicate regarding our daughter, such explosions are bound to happen. So a divorce would not solve my problems. I am trying to keep communication with him to a minimum, but I am not sure I can stick it out for eight more years.

I know that we are not providing the image of a healthy relationship to our daughter. But I think it would be worse if we divorce. As I mentioned before, all three of us adore the house and do not want to sell it. There is a guest apartment in the house. I fantasize about spending the weekends there, so that I avoid conflicts with him. But why should I sacrifice my weekends with my daughter? I spend the workdays at the office just as he does.

Because of the guest apartment the house could even be used as two dwellings. It would be completely doable to split it up and each of use use a comparatively equal space. But separate dwellings would not make us avoid communication (read conflict) concerning our daughter.

He rejects the idea of couples' therapy.

Please do not tell me that I should find a more worthy man. The conflicts with H would still not go away. H would still remain the father of our daughter, and she would continue to be torn between us.

I would be grateful for any constructive ideas. Thanks in advance.

Your husband needs a less stressful job. Or the family needs to move closer to his job to relieve some of the stress. It sounds like he feels stuck in a stressful job and is lashing out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everybody for your great input. It is really something to think about.

Regarding his job 3 hours away, that's in a bad area, so there was never any question of us moving there.

While he has cheated several times in the past, I don't think there is another person now.

WTF do you mean by a "bad area" ... how can he have a $600,000 job in a "bad area"...? and he's cheated multiple times. And you are making lame lame excuses for why you can't do this. I make $120K and there is no way I would stay with the husband you have.

You are making excuses for why you can't divorce. I definitely will not condone your inaction.

[Anonymous]

A divorce absolutely WILL solve your problem because your main problem now is that your daughter thinks it is okay for a man to speak to his wife this abusively.

Even if he continues to treat you this way after a divorce, you could say, "This is why I left your father. Never, ever let a man speak to you this way. At all times, you deserve dignity and respect."

200k annually is plenty to live a good life in DC, even if he was giving you zero in support. Reclaim your dignity and LEAVE HIM.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a narcissistic abuser who uses DARVO. Look it up
https://www.verywellmind.com/protecting-yourself-from-darvo-abusive-behavior-7562730

[Anonymous]

Divorce. Hes a narcissist. Grey rock as much as possible