Worth breaking up over a birthday?
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Anonymous
OP, if I were a betting women, I would bet that he is going to do something. Did he ask for hotel info since you are out of town? Or perhaps he will give the gift when you return. You two have already discussed that this is important to you, and he is letting you know constantly that he remembers it’s coming up. You fretting about it before it happens to the point of posting is TOO MUCH. If he does absolutely nothing within 72 hours of your return, dump him. |
We went for a walk last night and grabbed a quick bit to eat and at one point he again said, "someone's birthday's coming up!" and I smiled. But, no mention of any plans for before (it would have to be tonight) or after birthday. Trying to be chill- it's hard!
Anonymous
Agree. OP you really need to communicate when he opens up about this, something along the lines of “birthdays were always a big deal in my family, my favorite was when my dad threw a surprise party for my 20th, I always think it’s fun to celebrate someone’s special day, don’t you, etc etc etc.” |
Anonymous
Then why in your original post did you say you were “bummed” days before your birthday!? |
Anonymous
New poster. OP, I'm going to fix this for you, because you didn't quite finish your thought above: "I'm trying to find out if we're compatible long term. He needs to be able to read my mind if we're going to be a long-term couple. I will dump him if he can't guess what I want, based on hints and my coy way of deflecting when he brings up my birthday. He should WANT to do something for me, should want it so much he can read my 'hints' even if some people would read them as the exact opposite of what I really want!" He. Cannot. Read. Your. Mind. And you really want him to! If he were "compatible" with you he would just know what you really want! Based on generic talks about things you generally like. Do you really not understand why this is not mature thinking? And why true compatibility for a real relationship is not at all about birthday celebration plans? If you would do this over your birthday, heaven help him when the holidays roll around. Why would you intentionally screw up a decent relationship because you are testing him to see if he is psychic?! And that's what you are doing -- testing him. Grown-ups don't do that, OP. They just don't. |
Anonymous
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Op, you sound pretty self-centered. Breaking up with someone because the gift is not as good as you like? LOL
Learn to accommodate a little in life and you would be much happier. How many serious relationships you had so far? |
Anonymous
No, be even more direct. "I know you know my birthday's coming up. I'd like to celebrate with you. Would you like to have dinner when I get back from the work trip? How about that Sunday night?" But OP would rather use this as her litmus test to see if he will come up with everything on his own, then to drop him if he does not meet her completely unspoken expectations. If they do stay together, she'll end up back on DCUM posting in a few years about how her husband never quite gets her birthday right. She'd really like X for their wedding anniversary but he never thinks to do that himself. He won't do certain chores around the house but she shouldn't HAVE to ask him, why can't he just know what she wants? And so on forever. Unstated expectations help create lasting resentments. |
Anonymous
She sounds VERY young and inexperienced. |
Anonymous
What? He didn't even get a gift yet and she never said she'd break up with him over a gift. |
Anonymous
| It sounds to me like he has something planned and he keeps dropping the "somebody's birthday is coming up" comments precisely because he knows it's important to you and he doesn't want you stressing that he's forgotten. I hope I'm right. |
Anonymous
| Of course you should break up with him given the totality of the circumstances. In fact if he does nothing—no gift no plan—I think there’s a real chance he is the one testing you. In the alternative he brought up your birthday hoping you would tell him what to do instead of doing the work himself. |
Anonymous
But having her boyfriend do something special for her on her birthday isn't some fringe, unforeseeable expectation that she should have to spell out like that, If she wanted something very specific, by all means, tell the guy you'd like blue hydrangeas and dinner at X Restaurant or whatever, but it sounds like she just wants the kind of guy who will do something - anything - unprompted to mark the occasion. Nothing wrong with that, |
Anonymous
Most people on this thread aren't saying OP should disregard things that matter to her. It's not the fact that OP wants to be with someone who will celebrate her on her birthday that's the issue, it's that she's not telling the poor guy this and expects him to somehow magically know by reading her mind because she won't use her words to just say it - even when he raises her birthday in conversation. That's the ridiculous trap-setting expectation everyone's annoyed at OP about. OP, if what you really mean is you want to be with someone who also by nature thinks birthdays are a big deal like you do, rather than someone who might be more than happy to make sure your birthday is acknowledged because you tell them it's important to you but doesn't intrinsically attach the same importance to birthdays you do, then say so. Because what we've got here right now is failure to communicate. |
Anonymous
She wants a guy who TAKES THE INITIATIVE and makes thoughtful gestures during special occasions. She ALREADY told him this. She is allowed to have this very reasonable preference. Heck, even employers expect it of many employees. |
Anonymous
In a newish relationship, the default should be to acknowledge the partner's birthday in at least some small way (card, gift, drinks or dinner). This is not a DH of 20 years who has learned that you don't care that much about your birthday and are okay with a verbal greeting- that's a very different situation. |
Anonymous
I saw that she did tell him birthdays are important to her. Otherwise I would agree with you, but she was clear enough. |