Worth breaking up over a birthday?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I hope that OP keeps us updated. This is the best will-he-or-won't-he I've read in a while.

For the record, I'm Team OP. She told him it was important to celebrate her birthday. If he drops the ball, they are incompatible. Doesn't matter how any of us celebrate or don't celebrate our birthdays.

OP: thank you We went for a walk last night and grabbed a quick bit to eat and at one point he again said, "someone's birthday's coming up!" and I smiled. But, no mention of any plans for before (it would have to be tonight) or after birthday. Trying to be chill- it's hard!

Op you blew it right there IMO. Why didn't you ask if he has any plans? Maybe he's been hoping for ideas.

Op: to clarify, all I was hoping for is maybe lunch or dinner, as PP stated- nothing extravagant. But per your question, we talked a few weeks ago about things we’ve always wanted to do in the city that we haven’t done yet, and I named 5-6 things (shows, museums, etc).

Are you being purposefully dense? You need to tell him you want to do something WITH HIM for your birthday!! Listing activities you want to do sometimes, but then blowing him off when he says your birthday is coming up?! He keeps bringing up your birthday and you are shooting him down every time! I totally agree the with poster up thread who said you are giving him a clear signal that you do NOT want to celebrate your birthday with him.

Op: I’m not shooting him down at all! And if we don’t do anything but he gets me a gift, I’ll be very happy! For everyone saying I need to TELL HIM, I am trying to find out if we’re compatible long-term. And if he doesn’t do anything, I know we’re not.

New poster. OP, I'm going to fix this for you, because you didn't quite finish your thought above:

"I'm trying to find out if we're compatible long term. He needs to be able to read my mind if we're going to be a long-term couple. I will dump him if he can't guess what I want, based on hints and my coy way of deflecting when he brings up my birthday. He should WANT to do something for me, should want it so much he can read my 'hints' even if some people would read them as the exact opposite of what I really want!"

He. Cannot. Read. Your. Mind. And you really want him to! If he were "compatible" with you he would just know what you really want! Based on generic talks about things you generally like.

Do you really not understand why this is not mature thinking? And why true compatibility for a real relationship is not at all about birthday celebration plans?

If you would do this over your birthday, heaven help him when the holidays roll around. Why would you intentionally screw up a decent relationship because you are testing him to see if he is psychic?! And that's what you are doing -- testing him. Grown-ups don't do that, OP. They just don't.

She wants a guy who TAKES THE INITIATIVE and makes thoughtful gestures during special occasions. She ALREADY told him this. She is allowed to have this very reasonable preference. Heck, even employers expect it of many employees.

Yes, it's the taking the initiative part that's important.

*facepalm* THE BIRTHDAY HASN’T EVEN HAPPENED YET. In no university would it be reasonable to be bummed he didn’t take the initiative to do something for your birthday when it’s still BEFORE your birthday!!

Of course it's reasonable. She knows he hasn't made any plans that she would need to be informed of ahead of time. You know, like a date.

Which still leaves a surprise party, flowers at her hotel where she’s traveling, a gift. She doesn’t need to be informed ahead of time for every avenue of celebration.

Right, which is why she hasn't already dumped him.

[Anonymous]

Omg, unclench op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When he said ‘you’re birthday is coming up!’ what did you say in response? Did you say ‘yes! I can’t wait to see what fun thing you have planned!’ Or was something like ‘yes, that’s right’ with no elaboration? I think in 6 months, you would know if this guy is thoughtful or not. And putting such high expectations (you’ll break up with him over this?!) without explicit instructions seems unfair to him. I get that you had a conversation about how your ex didn’t celebrate your birthday the way that you liked, but just one conversation without laying out what it is that you DO want…not enough to make it break up worthy. DH and I don’t exchange gifts on our birthdays, maybe we did when we were very first dating, but I can’t remember. We like to plan our own ways of celebrating- I like pick a restaurant, maybe he wants to do a specific activity etc.

You still have time though! Rather than sit and wait and see if he will pass muster or not, maybe reach out to him and ask? Say since you’ll be out of town for dinner on your birthday, could you make plans for X date when you get back? Maybe he is planning to surprise you with fancy breakfast at your door first thing in the morning before your flight. Maybe he will show up at your door tomorrow with roses and a gift, or be waiting at the airport with a sign when you come home again. But if he needs to do something like this in order to keep dating you, I would spell it out!

+1
I, too, would like to know what OP said when her BF mentioned her birthday. Did she downplay it? Act nonchalant? Mention something you'd like to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope that OP keeps us updated. This is the best will-he-or-won't-he I've read in a while.

For the record, I'm Team OP. She told him it was important to celebrate her birthday. If he drops the ball, they are incompatible. Doesn't matter how any of us celebrate or don't celebrate our birthdays.

OP: thank you We went for a walk last night and grabbed a quick bit to eat and at one point he again said, "someone's birthday's coming up!" and I smiled. But, no mention of any plans for before (it would have to be tonight) or after birthday. Trying to be chill- it's hard!

Jesus, what is wrong with you? He's fishing to see what you want to do, what your expectations are, etc., and you just blow it off! I bet he's really confused. He's supposed to be a mind reader? You could have said any of a dozen things to let him know what you hoped for, and you just "smiled" and dropped the subject. This is NOT how adults manage these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When he said ‘you’re birthday is coming up!’ what did you say in response? Did you say ‘yes! I can’t wait to see what fun thing you have planned!’ Or was something like ‘yes, that’s right’ with no elaboration? I think in 6 months, you would know if this guy is thoughtful or not. And putting such high expectations (you’ll break up with him over this?!) without explicit instructions seems unfair to him. I get that you had a conversation about how your ex didn’t celebrate your birthday the way that you liked, but just one conversation without laying out what it is that you DO want…not enough to make it break up worthy. DH and I don’t exchange gifts on our birthdays, maybe we did when we were very first dating, but I can’t remember. We like to plan our own ways of celebrating- I like pick a restaurant, maybe he wants to do a specific activity etc.

You still have time though! Rather than sit and wait and see if he will pass muster or not, maybe reach out to him and ask? Say since you’ll be out of town for dinner on your birthday, could you make plans for X date when you get back? Maybe he is planning to surprise you with fancy breakfast at your door first thing in the morning before your flight. Maybe he will show up at your door tomorrow with roses and a gift, or be waiting at the airport with a sign when you come home again. But if he needs to do something like this in order to keep dating you, I would spell it out!

+1
I, too, would like to know what OP said when her BF mentioned her birthday. Did she downplay it? Act nonchalant? Mention something you'd like to do?

Sorry, I just found the comment where she says NOTHING in response to his birthday references. It's OBVIOUSLY a test, and I have no sympathy for people who test their partners like this. She's had multiple opportunities to say SOMETHING about how she hopes to celebrate her birthday, and deliberately wasted them, so she can see if he can read her mind despite her conflicting signals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When he said ‘you’re birthday is coming up!’ what did you say in response? Did you say ‘yes! I can’t wait to see what fun thing you have planned!’ Or was something like ‘yes, that’s right’ with no elaboration? I think in 6 months, you would know if this guy is thoughtful or not. And putting such high expectations (you’ll break up with him over this?!) without explicit instructions seems unfair to him. I get that you had a conversation about how your ex didn’t celebrate your birthday the way that you liked, but just one conversation without laying out what it is that you DO want…not enough to make it break up worthy. DH and I don’t exchange gifts on our birthdays, maybe we did when we were very first dating, but I can’t remember. We like to plan our own ways of celebrating- I like pick a restaurant, maybe he wants to do a specific activity etc.

You still have time though! Rather than sit and wait and see if he will pass muster or not, maybe reach out to him and ask? Say since you’ll be out of town for dinner on your birthday, could you make plans for X date when you get back? Maybe he is planning to surprise you with fancy breakfast at your door first thing in the morning before your flight. Maybe he will show up at your door tomorrow with roses and a gift, or be waiting at the airport with a sign when you come home again. But if he needs to do something like this in order to keep dating you, I would spell it out!

+1
I, too, would like to know what OP said when her BF mentioned her birthday. Did she downplay it? Act nonchalant? Mention something you'd like to do?

Sorry, I just found the comment where she says NOTHING in response to his birthday references. It's OBVIOUSLY a test, and I have no sympathy for people who test their partners like this. She's had multiple opportunities to say SOMETHING about how she hopes to celebrate her birthday, and deliberately wasted them, so she can see if he can read her mind despite her conflicting signals.

Yes, it's a test, to see if he will take initiative without hints or direction. All of dating is a test to see how compatible you are. If what she wants is for him to take initiative and she just gives him direction about what she wants, she won't ever know if he will take initiative.

I don't think he is being a jerk or anything, but he might not be the person for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope that OP keeps us updated. This is the best will-he-or-won't-he I've read in a while.

For the record, I'm Team OP. She told him it was important to celebrate her birthday. If he drops the ball, they are incompatible. Doesn't matter how any of us celebrate or don't celebrate our birthdays.

OP: thank you We went for a walk last night and grabbed a quick bit to eat and at one point he again said, "someone's birthday's coming up!" and I smiled. But, no mention of any plans for before (it would have to be tonight) or after birthday. Trying to be chill- it's hard!

Jesus, what is wrong with you? He's fishing to see what you want to do, what your expectations are, etc., and you just blow it off! I bet he's really confused. He's supposed to be a mind reader? You could have said any of a dozen things to let him know what you hoped for, and you just "smiled" and dropped the subject. This is NOT how adults manage these things.

What would you have said if you were OP?

NP

[Anonymous]

OP, did something happen to you in the past when it comes to your birthday? Did someone miss your birthday or disappoint you? Maybe that’s why it’s difficult for you to navigate the birthday front. By adulthood, most people don’t care all that much one way or the other. As long as DH remembers that’s it’s my birthday, I’m good. And if he spaced on it, I know he’s good for making it up. In essence, I trust his intentions. It doesn’t seem like you trust your BF’s intentions when it comes to something important to you. Maybe ask yourself if this is stemming from his actions toward you, or from unresolved stuff from the past that has nothing to do with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope that OP keeps us updated. This is the best will-he-or-won't-he I've read in a while.

For the record, I'm Team OP. She told him it was important to celebrate her birthday. If he drops the ball, they are incompatible. Doesn't matter how any of us celebrate or don't celebrate our birthdays.

OP: thank you We went for a walk last night and grabbed a quick bit to eat and at one point he again said, "someone's birthday's coming up!" and I smiled. But, no mention of any plans for before (it would have to be tonight) or after birthday. Trying to be chill- it's hard!

Jesus, what is wrong with you? He's fishing to see what you want to do, what your expectations are, etc., and you just blow it off! I bet he's really confused. He's supposed to be a mind reader? You could have said any of a dozen things to let him know what you hoped for, and you just "smiled" and dropped the subject. This is NOT how adults manage these things.

What would you have said if you were OP?

NP

DP here. I would have said “yes it is, and I can’t wait to see what you have planned” as I’m smiling or something along those lines. I wouldn’t necessarily tell him what to plan, just reinforce that something should be planned and that I am looking forward to the surprise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope that OP keeps us updated. This is the best will-he-or-won't-he I've read in a while.

For the record, I'm Team OP. She told him it was important to celebrate her birthday. If he drops the ball, they are incompatible. Doesn't matter how any of us celebrate or don't celebrate our birthdays.

OP: thank you We went for a walk last night and grabbed a quick bit to eat and at one point he again said, "someone's birthday's coming up!" and I smiled. But, no mention of any plans for before (it would have to be tonight) or after birthday. Trying to be chill- it's hard!

Jesus, what is wrong with you? He's fishing to see what you want to do, what your expectations are, etc., and you just blow it off! I bet he's really confused. He's supposed to be a mind reader? You could have said any of a dozen things to let him know what you hoped for, and you just "smiled" and dropped the subject. This is NOT how adults manage these things.

What would you have said if you were OP?

NP

"Yes, and I can't wait to see what you have planned," or (joking tone) "Yes, and I hope you got me something good!" or "Yes, but I'm leaving on a work trip that morning. When do you think we can celebrate?" or SOMETHING. She doesn't have to tell him exactly what to do, but she ought to lightly reinforce that it's important and that she's expecting something. She's intentionally downplaying the importance of her birthday and then she'll be hurt when his actions don't match her expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the people telling you that thing that matters to you doesn’t matter. You get to decide.

Most people on this thread aren't saying OP should disregard things that matter to her. It's not the fact that OP wants to be with someone who will celebrate her on her birthday that's the issue, it's that she's not telling the poor guy this and expects him to somehow magically know by reading her mind because she won't use her words to just say it - even when he raises her birthday in conversation. That's the ridiculous trap-setting expectation everyone's annoyed at OP about.

OP, if what you really mean is you want to be with someone who also by nature thinks birthdays are a big deal like you do, rather than someone who might be more than happy to make sure your birthday is acknowledged because you tell them it's important to you but doesn't intrinsically attach the same importance to birthdays you do, then say so. Because what we've got here right now is failure to communicate.

I like this distinction. I have to be honest, I’m definitely the person that doesn’t attach the same importance but I try because it’s important to my DH. I’m definitely Claire and he’s Phil when it comes to gift giving and special occasions which is why the Modern Family episodes with their anniversaries tend to be so funny (maybe uncomfortably close to the truth for me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, your birthday hasn't even occurred yet and you're already catastrophizing that he's not going to do anything and your relationship is doomed. I agree your relationship may be doomed, but it isn't his fault...

+1 I gently suggest that you have unresolved baggage from your last relationship. You had ONE discussion with your BF about it and it's early enough in your relationship that he may not really understand just what you're looking for. And, as the PP says, you birthday hasn't even happened yet and your already catastrophizing!

Why don't you text him and tell him that having your birthday recognized is really important to you and that you'd like him to make plans? Why leave any room for guess work on his part?

OP: I get what you are saying, but obviously having to tell someone explicitly is not as meaningful as if they did it on their own. I'm not interested in changing anyone, so I figure if he is not the thoughtful type, we probably aren't a good match.

Between this and the thread about who's responsible for their sexual pleasure, it seems to me that people are absolutely terrible communicators--and also very entitled about it.

[Anonymous]

OP’s bf here. We’re through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP’s bf here. We’re through.

Yes it is good you tested her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope that OP keeps us updated. This is the best will-he-or-won't-he I've read in a while.

For the record, I'm Team OP. She told him it was important to celebrate her birthday. If he drops the ball, they are incompatible. Doesn't matter how any of us celebrate or don't celebrate our birthdays.

OP: thank you We went for a walk last night and grabbed a quick bit to eat and at one point he again said, "someone's birthday's coming up!" and I smiled. But, no mention of any plans for before (it would have to be tonight) or after birthday. Trying to be chill- it's hard!

Op you blew it right there IMO. Why didn't you ask if he has any plans? Maybe he's been hoping for ideas.

Op: to clarify, all I was hoping for is maybe lunch or dinner, as PP stated- nothing extravagant. But per your question, we talked a few weeks ago about things we’ve always wanted to do in the city that we haven’t done yet, and I named 5-6 things (shows, museums, etc).

Are you being purposefully dense? You need to tell him you want to do something WITH HIM for your birthday!! Listing activities you want to do sometimes, but then blowing him off when he says your birthday is coming up?! He keeps bringing up your birthday and you are shooting him down every time! I totally agree the with poster up thread who said you are giving him a clear signal that you do NOT want to celebrate your birthday with him.

Op: I’m not shooting him down at all! And if we don’t do anything but he gets me a gift, I’ll be very happy! For everyone saying I need to TELL HIM, I am trying to find out if we’re compatible long-term. And if he doesn’t do anything, I know we’re not.

New poster. OP, I'm going to fix this for you, because you didn't quite finish your thought above:

"I'm trying to find out if we're compatible long term. He needs to be able to read my mind if we're going to be a long-term couple. I will dump him if he can't guess what I want, based on hints and my coy way of deflecting when he brings up my birthday. He should WANT to do something for me, should want it so much he can read my 'hints' even if some people would read them as the exact opposite of what I really want!"

He. Cannot. Read. Your. Mind. And you really want him to! If he were "compatible" with you he would just know what you really want! Based on generic talks about things you generally like.

Do you really not understand why this is not mature thinking? And why true compatibility for a real relationship is not at all about birthday celebration plans?

If you would do this over your birthday, heaven help him when the holidays roll around. Why would you intentionally screw up a decent relationship because you are testing him to see if he is psychic?! And that's what you are doing -- testing him. Grown-ups don't do that, OP. They just don't.

She wants a guy who TAKES THE INITIATIVE and makes thoughtful gestures during special occasions. She ALREADY told him this. She is allowed to have this very reasonable preference. Heck, even employers expect it of many employees.

No, she didn't, from what she's said here, "ALREADY tell" him "I want you to take the initiative" in so many words.

THAT would be actual communication. Instead she is being coy and hoping he'll read her unspoken signals. She doesn't have to tell him what to do, but they are pretty early in the relationship and she's really setting him up to fail. Nothing he does now is going to be quite what she'd hoped. She's testing him and that's not very adult of her.

Of course we ALL prefer that others take initiative and think of us without being told, celebrate us without being prompted to do so. That's ideal and lovely.

It also is not necessarily realistic. And it's a rather self-centered way to gauge, this early in a relationship, whether someone is a potential long-term boyfriend or girlfriend. She's making this the test for whether she breaks up with him, which tells us that she places extremely high value on a man who will "take initiative" or as I'd call it, "read her mind." Her birthday-surprise priorities are very starry-eyed romantic. If she would break up over THIS, especially after not communicating clearly with him, she's not ready for a more mature relationship that works past these things in service of the larger, deeper love that's a keeper.