Worth breaking up over a birthday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If something is really important to you, you shouldn't pretend like it isn't. Since you are dating and you have the past experiences with your ex and your BF knows that, it would be weird if he didn't do something. But you have to not catastrophize.

This. You get to decide what's important to you in a relationship, OP.

That said, wait and see if he does something, either before your trip or after you return. If nothing, you might consider ONE TIME explicitly telling him, that was really important to me, so wtf?

You could also just end it, again, if he does nothing. Having to spell everything out for people can get really old, especially if you've already been reasonably clear. Some people require more spoon-feeding than others, and it's fine to decide you don't want to do that for the rest of your life.

OP: Thank you, you pretty much nailed it. He is a wonderful guy. I just don't want to have to tell someone/remind someone to do something (anything!) nice on a birthday for the rest of my life, already knowing and feeling what that is like given my experience. But you're right, I will wait to see if there is anything either before or after.

You’re welcome - I’m glad I got it. The bolded is a *completely* reasonable thing to want in a partner. I remember a colleague once whose DH always sent flowers to work for her birthday, their anniversary, Valentine’s. She didn’t have to tell him, that’s how he expressed himself. But that was important to her, and she told me that if her partner didn’t do those kinds of things, she’d feel hurt. People prioritize different things, and it’s healthy to want a partner who has similar priorities, and with whom you don’t constantly need to explain yourself.

Happy early birthday, OP! I hope he comes through.

[Anonymous]

Yes please break up with him and save him the pain and suffering of being in a relationship with you.

You're a grown person and it's a birthday you're not so special that you need to be celebrated for an entire week

Your boyfriend probably assumed he was dating an adult and a happy birthday call on your actual birthday would suffice . And maybe a small gift or dinner the day of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If something is really important to you, you shouldn't pretend like it isn't. Since you are dating and you have the past experiences with your ex and your BF knows that, it would be weird if he didn't do something. But you have to not catastrophize.

This. You get to decide what's important to you in a relationship, OP.

That said, wait and see if he does something, either before your trip or after you return. If nothing, you might consider ONE TIME explicitly telling him, that was really important to me, so wtf?

You could also just end it, again, if he does nothing. Having to spell everything out for people can get really old, especially if you've already been reasonably clear. Some people require more spoon-feeding than others, and it's fine to decide you don't want to do that for the rest of your life.

OP: Thank you, you pretty much nailed it. He is a wonderful guy. I just don't want to have to tell someone/remind someone to do something (anything!) nice on a birthday for the rest of my life, already knowing and feeling what that is like given my experience. But you're right, I will wait to see if there is anything either before or after.

If this is a pattern for you, I think you should just break up now, and save both of you a lot of grief. You’re spiraling on about what you don’t want to have to do for the rest of your life — about someone you’ve known for six months. You’re also going on about how important having a “nice” birthday is that fits your fantasies — but don’t want to have the very adult conversation that clearly expresses your expectations AND leaves room for someone with very different traditions.

If you are focusing on “already knowing and feeling what that is like given (your) experience, you are also conveniently or pathologically overlooking the very important fact that your “experience “ hasn’t been with this “wonderful “ guy.

I think you should have a wonderful birthday, and I genuinely hope you do. But I also really feel for this poor guy who is at risk of spending the rest of his life getting sucked into your spiraling expectations based on your experiences with other people. You get to decide what’s important for you in a relationship. So does he. Even if you have the most glorious birthday celebration ever, maybe you two should have a frank and open talk about your expectations for your relationship together, and whether you genuinely feel you are compatible.

[Anonymous]

What kind of birthday plan do you expect him to have if you're flying out that morning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If something is really important to you, you shouldn't pretend like it isn't. Since you are dating and you have the past experiences with your ex and your BF knows that, it would be weird if he didn't do something. But you have to not catastrophize.

This. You get to decide what's important to you in a relationship, OP.

That said, wait and see if he does something, either before your trip or after you return. If nothing, you might consider ONE TIME explicitly telling him, that was really important to me, so wtf?

You could also just end it, again, if he does nothing. Having to spell everything out for people can get really old, especially if you've already been reasonably clear. Some people require more spoon-feeding than others, and it's fine to decide you don't want to do that for the rest of your life.

OP: Thank you, you pretty much nailed it. He is a wonderful guy. I just don't want to have to tell someone/remind someone to do something (anything!) nice on a birthday for the rest of my life, already knowing and feeling what that is like given my experience. But you're right, I will wait to see if there is anything either before or after.

If this is a pattern for you, I think you should just break up now, and save both of you a lot of grief. You’re spiraling on about what you don’t want to have to do for the rest of your life — about someone you’ve known for six months. You’re also going on about how important having a “nice” birthday is that fits your fantasies — but don’t want to have the very adult conversation that clearly expresses your expectations AND leaves room for someone with very different traditions.

If you are focusing on “already knowing and feeling what that is like given (your) experience, you are also conveniently or pathologically overlooking the very important fact that your “experience “ hasn’t been with this “wonderful “ guy.

I think you should have a wonderful birthday, and I genuinely hope you do. But I also really feel for this poor guy who is at risk of spending the rest of his life getting sucked into your spiraling expectations based on your experiences with other people. You get to decide what’s important for you in a relationship. So does he. Even if you have the most glorious birthday celebration ever, maybe you two should have a frank and open talk about your expectations for your relationship together, and whether you genuinely feel you are compatible.

I find it surprising that OP is past the age of 40. Her kind of attitude is very child-like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If something is really important to you, you shouldn't pretend like it isn't. Since you are dating and you have the past experiences with your ex and your BF knows that, it would be weird if he didn't do something. But you have to not catastrophize.

This. You get to decide what's important to you in a relationship, OP.

That said, wait and see if he does something, either before your trip or after you return. If nothing, you might consider ONE TIME explicitly telling him, that was really important to me, so wtf?

You could also just end it, again, if he does nothing. Having to spell everything out for people can get really old, especially if you've already been reasonably clear. Some people require more spoon-feeding than others, and it's fine to decide you don't want to do that for the rest of your life.

OP: Thank you, you pretty much nailed it. He is a wonderful guy. I just don't want to have to tell someone/remind someone to do something (anything!) nice on a birthday for the rest of my life, already knowing and feeling what that is like given my experience. But you're right, I will wait to see if there is anything either before or after.

If this is a pattern for you, I think you should just break up now, and save both of you a lot of grief. You’re spiraling on about what you don’t want to have to do for the rest of your life — about someone you’ve known for six months. You’re also going on about how important having a “nice” birthday is that fits your fantasies — but don’t want to have the very adult conversation that clearly expresses your expectations AND leaves room for someone with very different traditions.

If you are focusing on “already knowing and feeling what that is like given (your) experience, you are also conveniently or pathologically overlooking the very important fact that your “experience “ hasn’t been with this “wonderful “ guy.

I think you should have a wonderful birthday, and I genuinely hope you do. But I also really feel for this poor guy who is at risk of spending the rest of his life getting sucked into your spiraling expectations based on your experiences with other people. You get to decide what’s important for you in a relationship. So does he. Even if you have the most glorious birthday celebration ever, maybe you two should have a frank and open talk about your expectations for your relationship together, and whether you genuinely feel you are compatible.

That's what dating is. It's to see if somebody meets your personal needs. If not, you break up instead of hoping they change over time, even if might indeed change over time (and with a lot of "adult" conversations).

[Anonymous]

My guess is that most of the posters attacking OP have their birthdays acknowledged.
(Cue the posters who will chime in to say how their birthday is just another day, they don’t expect to get any acknowledgement, they don’t need anything.).

[Anonymous]

Cart: Horse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that most of the posters attacking OP have their birthdays acknowledged.
(Cue the posters who will chime in to say how their birthday is just another day, they don’t expect to get any acknowledgement, they don’t need anything.).

Exactly. How many people on this board post about how their spouse never acknowledged Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc, and their feelings were hurt. Better to suss this info now and address accordingly.

[Anonymous]

I'd be surprised if he does nothing for your bday given that he knows it's coming up and knows (or should know, based on the fact that you've discussed it with him) that this was a sore spot in your last relationship and is important to you.

Just wait and see. Don't get so upset before it's even happened yet.

That said, if he doesn't do anything to acknowledge your birthday, I do think you should take that as a sign that you and he are not on the same page about this and that might be a sign you are not compatible with each other.

In my relationship, my DH and I don't make a big deal of birthdays or anniversaries or other special occasions and no one gets their feelings hurt because this is what we both like/expect. But if one of us really cared about our bday getting acknowledgment, we would do that because it's important to do things that make the other partner in the relationship feel loved and appreciated and for some people that's acknowledging a bday.

OP has every right to want and expect her BF to do something special for her bday. It's not silly or immature or high maintenance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If something is really important to you, you shouldn't pretend like it isn't. Since you are dating and you have the past experiences with your ex and your BF knows that, it would be weird if he didn't do something. But you have to not catastrophize.

This. You get to decide what's important to you in a relationship, OP.

That said, wait and see if he does something, either before your trip or after you return. If nothing, you might consider ONE TIME explicitly telling him, that was really important to me, so wtf?

You could also just end it, again, if he does nothing. Having to spell everything out for people can get really old, especially if you've already been reasonably clear. Some people require more spoon-feeding than others, and it's fine to decide you don't want to do that for the rest of your life.

OP: Thank you, you pretty much nailed it. He is a wonderful guy. I just don't want to have to tell someone/remind someone to do something (anything!) nice on a birthday for the rest of my life, already knowing and feeling what that is like given my experience. But you're right, I will wait to see if there is anything either before or after.

Ok well this really matters to you. If it doesn't happen, then yes, I think you should break up with him and not get stuck in a constant churn of him not marking occasions in a special way. That is what you really want in a partner and you should keep looking for someone who has that quality. It's only been 6 months and I think it's fine to break up early on when you know you aren't going to be compatiable.

[Anonymous]

I've been with DH for 22 years, and while dating and all years since, if someone was traveling during a birthday (which has happened many, many times thanks to us both having pretty busy work travel schedules) then the unspoken default is always doing something after the traveler gets home.

I would assume something similar here.

I also think it's pretty normal at 6 months into the relationship that the BF is still in the "how serious are we" phase and may not want to come on too strong by being all "i'm doing this big birthday thing for you!" Maybe he's waiting for you to say "i would love to do something with you after i get back for my birthday" and then he'll run with it.

All of the above seems way more normal to me than assuming your BF is going to plan something big for your bday without any input on your part the night before you leave for a work trip.

OP is a lot of drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been with DH for 22 years, and while dating and all years since, if someone was traveling during a birthday (which has happened many, many times thanks to us both having pretty busy work travel schedules) then the unspoken default is always doing something after the traveler gets home.

I would assume something similar here.

I also think it's pretty normal at 6 months into the relationship that the BF is still in the "how serious are we" phase and may not want to come on too strong by being all "i'm doing this big birthday thing for you!" Maybe he's waiting for you to say "i would love to do something with you after i get back for my birthday" and then he'll run with it.

All of the above seems way more normal to me than assuming your BF is going to plan something big for your bday without any input on your part the night before you leave for a work trip.

OP is a lot of drama.

Where did OP say it had to be anything "big"? And I personally think having to tell someone you would love to do something with them for your own birthday is a huge turnoff.

[Anonymous]

So if he doesn’t do anything, you now consider him not a thoughtful person? One incident? I realize it’s a big deal to you, but if he wasn’t a thoughtful person, you would have discovered it by now.

[Anonymous]

If he does nothing early on, when he is in his best behavior, he will never do anything later on in the relationship.

Has he been thoughtful and generous in other instances?