Worth breaking up over a birthday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. Good news- bf stopped by last night while I was packing and brought flowers and said they were an “early birthday present”. Then he asked me if I was free next week when I return from the trip to go out dinner for my birthday. Very happy!

Well that was stupid. Flowers right before you go away? But, glad you’re happy I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find grown adults who insist on making a big deal out of their birthdays to be so, so tiresome and high maintenance.

Yep. They've been dating for only six months and she's already pulling the birthday-zilla routine. I'd run if I were bf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. Good news- bf stopped by last night while I was packing and brought flowers and said they were an “early birthday present”. Then he asked me if I was free next week when I return from the trip to go out dinner for my birthday. Very happy!

OP, please see a therapist to talk through why you assumed the worst.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why op was getting prematurely upset.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If something is really important to you, you shouldn't pretend like it isn't. Since you are dating and you have the past experiences with your ex and your BF knows that, it would be weird if he didn't do something. But you have to not catastrophize.

This. You get to decide what's important to you in a relationship, OP.

That said, wait and see if he does something, either before your trip or after you return. If nothing, you might consider ONE TIME explicitly telling him, that was really important to me, so wtf?

You could also just end it, again, if he does nothing. Having to spell everything out for people can get really old, especially if you've already been reasonably clear. Some people require more spoon-feeding than others, and it's fine to decide you don't want to do that for the rest of your life.

OP: Thank you, you pretty much nailed it. He is a wonderful guy. I just don't want to have to tell someone/remind someone to do something (anything!) nice on a birthday for the rest of my life, already knowing and feeling what that is like given my experience. But you're right, I will wait to see if there is anything either before or after.

If this is a pattern for you, I think you should just break up now, and save both of you a lot of grief. You’re spiraling on about what you don’t want to have to do for the rest of your life — about someone you’ve known for six months. You’re also going on about how important having a “nice” birthday is that fits your fantasies — but don’t want to have the very adult conversation that clearly expresses your expectations AND leaves room for someone with very different traditions.

If you are focusing on “already knowing and feeling what that is like given (your) experience, you are also conveniently or pathologically overlooking the very important fact that your “experience “ hasn’t been with this “wonderful “ guy.

I think you should have a wonderful birthday, and I genuinely hope you do. But I also really feel for this poor guy who is at risk of spending the rest of his life getting sucked into your spiraling expectations based on your experiences with other people. You get to decide what’s important for you in a relationship. So does he. Even if you have the most glorious birthday celebration ever, maybe you two should have a frank and open talk about your expectations for your relationship together, and whether you genuinely feel you are compatible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. Good news- bf stopped by last night while I was packing and brought flowers and said they were an “early birthday present”. Then he asked me if I was free next week when I return from the trip to go out dinner for my birthday. Very happy!

OP, please see a therapist to talk through why you assumed the worst.

She doesn't need to. She knew she has a pre-existing vulnerability in that area. We all have those things in our lives. Now that she experienced a significant other actually making the effort to celebrate her birthday, she isn't going to assume the worst next time.

You don't always need a therapist to get better. Healing often happens *in* relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find grown adults who insist on making a big deal out of their birthdays to be so, so tiresome and high maintenance.

Yep. They've been dating for only six months and she's already pulling the birthday-zilla routine. I'd run if I were bf.

She isn't. She was content with a very simple celebration: flowers and a belated dinner. That wouldn't be enough for many people. And her SO didn't even know that she was unhappy with the things were going. a "zilla" is going to let her demands be known.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. Good news- bf stopped by last night while I was packing and brought flowers and said they were an “early birthday present”. Then he asked me if I was free next week when I return from the trip to go out dinner for my birthday. Very happy!

Your bf would not be happy if he knew how unhinged you've been about this over the last week.

"unhinged" is not the right word. I'd say "overly-concerned." And if I was that BF and found out that she had previously been treated poorly on her birthday, I'd be sad for her and glad that I could make her happy with so little effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If something is really important to you, you shouldn't pretend like it isn't. Since you are dating and you have the past experiences with your ex and your BF knows that, it would be weird if he didn't do something. But you have to not catastrophize.

This. You get to decide what's important to you in a relationship, OP.

That said, wait and see if he does something, either before your trip or after you return. If nothing, you might consider ONE TIME explicitly telling him, that was really important to me, so wtf?

You could also just end it, again, if he does nothing. Having to spell everything out for people can get really old, especially if you've already been reasonably clear. Some people require more spoon-feeding than others, and it's fine to decide you don't want to do that for the rest of your life.

+1

I get that you can't expect people to mind read, and you can't be upset at somebody for not doing something they didn't know you wanted them to do. But the point of dating is to see how comparable you are. If you want somebody who pays attention to things you are sensitive about and tries to make you happy, you can just focus on dating those people instead of trying to get the person you're dating to be the person you want.

And there is nothing wrong with being sensitive about things. Most issues in relationships stem from things we are sensitive about. Like, I had a lot of issues in my past with people not believing what I told them, and my husband knows that and makes an effort to give me the benefit of the doubt even though he is naturally skeptical. But once he forgot our anniversary and I didn't care, and if I thought DH was going to forget my birthday I wouldn't mind reminding him. People are different and partners should respect and support that.

Uhhh, wtf??

One person is understandable... but what sounds like a LOT of people not believing you?

Please make it make sense.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I hope that OP keeps us updated. This is the best will-he-or-won't-he I've read in a while.

For the record, I'm Team OP. She told him it was important to celebrate her birthday. If he drops the ball, they are incompatible. Doesn't matter how any of us celebrate or don't celebrate our birthdays.

OP: thank you We went for a walk last night and grabbed a quick bit to eat and at one point he again said, "someone's birthday's coming up!" and I smiled. But, no mention of any plans for before (it would have to be tonight) or after birthday. Trying to be chill- it's hard!

Op you blew it right there IMO. Why didn't you ask if he has any plans? Maybe he's been hoping for ideas.

Op: to clarify, all I was hoping for is maybe lunch or dinner, as PP stated- nothing extravagant. But per your question, we talked a few weeks ago about things we’ve always wanted to do in the city that we haven’t done yet, and I named 5-6 things (shows, museums, etc).

Are you being purposefully dense? You need to tell him you want to do something WITH HIM for your birthday!! Listing activities you want to do sometimes, but then blowing him off when he says your birthday is coming up?! He keeps bringing up your birthday and you are shooting him down every time! I totally agree the with poster up thread who said you are giving him a clear signal that you do NOT want to celebrate your birthday with him.

Op: I’m not shooting him down at all! And if we don’t do anything but he gets me a gift, I’ll be very happy! For everyone saying I need to TELL HIM, I am trying to find out if we’re compatible long-term. And if he doesn’t do anything, I know we’re not.

New poster. OP, I'm going to fix this for you, because you didn't quite finish your thought above:

"I'm trying to find out if we're compatible long term. He needs to be able to read my mind if we're going to be a long-term couple. I will dump him if he can't guess what I want, based on hints and my coy way of deflecting when he brings up my birthday. He should WANT to do something for me, should want it so much he can read my 'hints' even if some people would read them as the exact opposite of what I really want!"

He. Cannot. Read. Your. Mind. And you really want him to! If he were "compatible" with you he would just know what you really want! Based on generic talks about things you generally like.

Do you really not understand why this is not mature thinking? And why true compatibility for a real relationship is not at all about birthday celebration plans?

If you would do this over your birthday, heaven help him when the holidays roll around. Why would you intentionally screw up a decent relationship because you are testing him to see if he is psychic?! And that's what you are doing -- testing him. Grown-ups don't do that, OP. They just don't.

She wants a guy who TAKES THE INITIATIVE and makes thoughtful gestures during special occasions. She ALREADY told him this. She is allowed to have this very reasonable preference. Heck, even employers expect it of many employees.

No, she didn't, from what she's said here, "ALREADY tell" him "I want you to take the initiative" in so many words.

THAT would be actual communication. Instead she is being coy and hoping he'll read her unspoken signals. She doesn't have to tell him what to do, but they are pretty early in the relationship and she's really setting him up to fail. Nothing he does now is going to be quite what she'd hoped. She's testing him and that's not very adult of her.

Of course we ALL prefer that others take initiative and think of us without being told, celebrate us without being prompted to do so. That's ideal and lovely.

It also is not necessarily realistic. And it's a rather self-centered way to gauge, this early in a relationship, whether someone is a potential long-term boyfriend or girlfriend. She's making this the test for whether she breaks up with him, which tells us that she places extremely high value on a man who will "take initiative" or as I'd call it, "read her mind." Her birthday-surprise priorities are very starry-eyed romantic. If she would break up over THIS, especially after not communicating clearly with him, she's not ready for a more mature relationship that works past these things in service of the larger, deeper love that's a keeper.

I will repeat again: she already told him, in earlier conversations, that her EX was inattentive and did not take the initiative to celebrate her birthdays, it bothered her a lot and it was one of the issues in their relationship.

If after this conversation, this man needs to be remained again, that this is important to her then he is inattentive, obtuse or does not care.

You are either attentive and take the initiate or you don’t, it’s not a test, it’s a reflection of who you are. For OP this is a priority.

Yes, we know, we know... you've repeated yourself just about every other post, which is RIDICULOUS.

Especially now since we know that the OP freaked out dramatically over NOTHING, and yet you spent what seems like hours posting in defense of her. 🤣

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find grown adults who insist on making a big deal out of their birthdays to be so, so tiresome and high maintenance.

+1,000. Break up if you want to, but this whole birthday melodrama is absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. Good news- bf stopped by last night while I was packing and brought flowers and said they were an “early birthday present”. Then he asked me if I was free next week when I return from the trip to go out dinner for my birthday. Very happy!

Your bf would not be happy if he knew how unhinged you've been about this over the last week.

"unhinged" is not the right word. I'd say "overly-concerned." And if I was that BF and found out that she had previously been treated poorly on her birthday, I'd be sad for her and glad that I could make her happy with so little effort.

You AGAIN... 7:37, 7:39, 7:41... holy sh!t, obsessively projecting much, team OP??