Worth breaking up over a birthday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He might not know your birthday is important to you. It's not important to me.

You need to communicate to him "I'm trying to make plans - do you have anything planned for my birthday? I like to know there's something to look forward to, rather than thinking you've planned nothing but then you surprise me."

OP: he knows it's important. We had a whole discussion about love languages and how we each feel loved and it came up then as well.

But that doesn't address that maybe he plans to do something as a surprise, or after you come back. Again, communicate directly what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find grown adults who insist on making a big deal out of their birthdays to be so, so tiresome and high maintenance.

OP: I do too! I don't make a big deal at all- don't expect a single friend to remember or care. However, a partner, in my mind, is supposed to be the ONE person who does show they care about your birthday.

Please break up with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find grown adults who insist on making a big deal out of their birthdays to be so, so tiresome and high maintenance.

Agree. I think it is really weird and immature.

Why is it considered "immature" to hope that the MOST important person in your life acknowledges your birthday in some nice way? Genuine question.

[Anonymous]

If something is really important to you, you shouldn't pretend like it isn't. Since you are dating and you have the past experiences with your ex and your BF knows that, it would be weird if he didn't do something. But you have to not catastrophize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find grown adults who insist on making a big deal out of their birthdays to be so, so tiresome and high maintenance.

Agree. I think it is really weird and immature.

Why is it considered "immature" to hope that the MOST important person in your life acknowledges your birthday in some nice way? Genuine question.

You have been dating this person for less than a year and are considering breaking up with him. And he's the "most important person in your life"? Now you have lost me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If something is really important to you, you shouldn't pretend like it isn't. Since you are dating and you have the past experiences with your ex and your BF knows that, it would be weird if he didn't do something. But you have to not catastrophize.

This. You get to decide what's important to you in a relationship, OP.

That said, wait and see if he does something, either before your trip or after you return. If nothing, you might consider ONE TIME explicitly telling him, that was really important to me, so wtf?

You could also just end it, again, if he does nothing. Having to spell everything out for people can get really old, especially if you've already been reasonably clear. Some people require more spoon-feeding than others, and it's fine to decide you don't want to do that for the rest of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, your birthday hasn't even occurred yet and you're already catastrophizing that he's not going to do anything and your relationship is doomed. I agree your relationship may be doomed, but it isn't his fault...

+1 I gently suggest that you have unresolved baggage from your last relationship. You had ONE discussion with your BF about it and it's early enough in your relationship that he may not really understand just what you're looking for. And, as the PP says, you birthday hasn't even happened yet and your already catastrophizing!

Why don't you text him and tell him that having your birthday recognized is really important to you and that you'd like him to make plans? Why leave any room for guess work on his part?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, your birthday hasn't even occurred yet and you're already catastrophizing that he's not going to do anything and your relationship is doomed. I agree your relationship may be doomed, but it isn't his fault...

+1 I gently suggest that you have unresolved baggage from your last relationship. You had ONE discussion with your BF about it and it's early enough in your relationship that he may not really understand just what you're looking for. And, as the PP says, you birthday hasn't even happened yet and your already catastrophizing!

Why don't you text him and tell him that having your birthday recognized is really important to you and that you'd like him to make plans? Why leave any room for guess work on his part?

OP: I get what you are saying, but obviously having to tell someone explicitly is not as meaningful as if they did it on their own. I'm not interested in changing anyone, so I figure if he is not the thoughtful type, we probably aren't a good match.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If something is really important to you, you shouldn't pretend like it isn't. Since you are dating and you have the past experiences with your ex and your BF knows that, it would be weird if he didn't do something. But you have to not catastrophize.

This. You get to decide what's important to you in a relationship, OP.

That said, wait and see if he does something, either before your trip or after you return. If nothing, you might consider ONE TIME explicitly telling him, that was really important to me, so wtf?

You could also just end it, again, if he does nothing. Having to spell everything out for people can get really old, especially if you've already been reasonably clear. Some people require more spoon-feeding than others, and it's fine to decide you don't want to do that for the rest of your life.

OP: Thank you, you pretty much nailed it. He is a wonderful guy. I just don't want to have to tell someone/remind someone to do something (anything!) nice on a birthday for the rest of my life, already knowing and feeling what that is like given my experience. But you're right, I will wait to see if there is anything either before or after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find grown adults who insist on making a big deal out of their birthdays to be so, so tiresome and high maintenance.

Agree. I think it is really weird and immature.

Why is it considered "immature" to hope that the MOST important person in your life acknowledges your birthday in some nice way? Genuine question.

You have been dating this person for less than a year and are considering breaking up with him. And he's the "most important person in your life"? Now you have lost me.

OP: I meant, thinking ahead as in if it becomes more serious and he were to become a DH. This stage is all about finding if you are compatible in various ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If something is really important to you, you shouldn't pretend like it isn't. Since you are dating and you have the past experiences with your ex and your BF knows that, it would be weird if he didn't do something. But you have to not catastrophize.

This. You get to decide what's important to you in a relationship, OP.

That said, wait and see if he does something, either before your trip or after you return. If nothing, you might consider ONE TIME explicitly telling him, that was really important to me, so wtf?

You could also just end it, again, if he does nothing. Having to spell everything out for people can get really old, especially if you've already been reasonably clear. Some people require more spoon-feeding than others, and it's fine to decide you don't want to do that for the rest of your life.

+1

I get that you can't expect people to mind read, and you can't be upset at somebody for not doing something they didn't know you wanted them to do. But the point of dating is to see how comparable you are. If you want somebody who pays attention to things you are sensitive about and tries to make you happy, you can just focus on dating those people instead of trying to get the person you're dating to be the person you want.

And there is nothing wrong with being sensitive about things. Most issues in relationships stem from things we are sensitive about. Like, I had a lot of issues in my past with people not believing what I told them, and my husband knows that and makes an effort to give me the benefit of the doubt even though he is naturally skeptical. But once he forgot our anniversary and I didn't care, and if I thought DH was going to forget my birthday I wouldn't mind reminding him. People are different and partners should respect and support that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would he ask you to do something if you are going to be out of town?

OP: I thought he would ask me to do something tonight or tomorrow (the night before).

Please, please cut him loose so he can find someone who is lower maintenance.

[Anonymous]

I'm team OP on this one. At some point in the last six months, she told her BF that it hurt her feelings that her Ex glossed over her birthday. OP, you deserve to go out for a nice meal or drinks or have someone prepare you a meal to celebrate your birthday. There's too much martyrdom on this board. No, she doesn't need a huge party for turning 43 or whatever, but a nice dinner or lunch or a thoughtful gift? Yes. Even something small, like dropping off an iced coffee and breakfast before your flight! Or bringing over takeout and some cold wine the night before to celebrate. If he can't pull it out 6 months in, then you're doomed for the later years.

[Anonymous]

I hope he doesn't do anything. You are such a turn-off, Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm team OP on this one. At some point in the last six months, she told her BF that it hurt her feelings that her Ex glossed over her birthday. OP, you deserve to go out for a nice meal or drinks or have someone prepare you a meal to celebrate your birthday. There's too much martyrdom on this board. No, she doesn't need a huge party for turning 43 or whatever, but a nice dinner or lunch or a thoughtful gift? Yes. Even something small, like dropping off an iced coffee and breakfast before your flight! Or bringing over takeout and some cold wine the night before to celebrate. If he can't pull it out 6 months in, then you're doomed for the later years.

I think what you mean is that the standards on this board are too low. People act like interactions in dating are the same as interactions with a spouse of 20 years (or another relationship that is very much worth fighting for).

(Also +1 to all the rest)