Worth breaking up over a birthday?

[Anonymous]

What exactly do you expect your boyfriend to do, buy the seat next to you on your plane or train and surprise you? Take his friends out and celebrate without you? You seem a bit.. unhinged and I say this as someone who likes birthdays even for adults.
I’m wondering if you’re punishing him because your ex didn’t treat you well which really isn’t fair. He’s not your ex and you aren’t around for your own birthday. Since you asked, he should break up with you. You want him to celebrate something that he really can’t do not without looking like a nut and then you want to end the relationship because he isn’t honoring your birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope that OP keeps us updated. This is the best will-he-or-won't-he I've read in a while.

For the record, I'm Team OP. She told him it was important to celebrate her birthday. If he drops the ball, they are incompatible. Doesn't matter how any of us celebrate or don't celebrate our birthdays.

OP: thank you We went for a walk last night and grabbed a quick bit to eat and at one point he again said, "someone's birthday's coming up!" and I smiled. But, no mention of any plans for before (it would have to be tonight) or after birthday. Trying to be chill- it's hard!

Op you blew it right there IMO. Why didn't you ask if he has any plans? Maybe he's been hoping for ideas.

Op: to clarify, all I was hoping for is maybe lunch or dinner, as PP stated- nothing extravagant. But per your question, we talked a few weeks ago about things we’ve always wanted to do in the city that we haven’t done yet, and I named 5-6 things (shows, museums, etc).

Are you being purposefully dense? You need to tell him you want to do something WITH HIM for your birthday!! Listing activities you want to do sometimes, but then blowing him off when he says your birthday is coming up?! He keeps bringing up your birthday and you are shooting him down every time! I totally agree the with poster up thread who said you are giving him a clear signal that you do NOT want to celebrate your birthday with him.

Op: I’m not shooting him down at all! And if we don’t do anything but he gets me a gift, I’ll be very happy! For everyone saying I need to TELL HIM, I am trying to find out if we’re compatible long-term. And if he doesn’t do anything, I know we’re not.

New poster. OP, I'm going to fix this for you, because you didn't quite finish your thought above:

"I'm trying to find out if we're compatible long term. He needs to be able to read my mind if we're going to be a long-term couple. I will dump him if he can't guess what I want, based on hints and my coy way of deflecting when he brings up my birthday. He should WANT to do something for me, should want it so much he can read my 'hints' even if some people would read them as the exact opposite of what I really want!"

He. Cannot. Read. Your. Mind. And you really want him to! If he were "compatible" with you he would just know what you really want! Based on generic talks about things you generally like.

Do you really not understand why this is not mature thinking? And why true compatibility for a real relationship is not at all about birthday celebration plans?

If you would do this over your birthday, heaven help him when the holidays roll around. Why would you intentionally screw up a decent relationship because you are testing him to see if he is psychic?! And that's what you are doing -- testing him. Grown-ups don't do that, OP. They just don't.

She wants a guy who TAKES THE INITIATIVE and makes thoughtful gestures during special occasions. She ALREADY told him this. She is allowed to have this very reasonable preference. Heck, even employers expect it of many employees.

No, she didn't, from what she's said here, "ALREADY tell" him "I want you to take the initiative" in so many words.

THAT would be actual communication. Instead she is being coy and hoping he'll read her unspoken signals. She doesn't have to tell him what to do, but they are pretty early in the relationship and she's really setting him up to fail. Nothing he does now is going to be quite what she'd hoped. She's testing him and that's not very adult of her.

Of course we ALL prefer that others take initiative and think of us without being told, celebrate us without being prompted to do so. That's ideal and lovely.

It also is not necessarily realistic. And it's a rather self-centered way to gauge, this early in a relationship, whether someone is a potential long-term boyfriend or girlfriend. She's making this the test for whether she breaks up with him, which tells us that she places extremely high value on a man who will "take initiative" or as I'd call it, "read her mind." Her birthday-surprise priorities are very starry-eyed romantic. If she would break up over THIS, especially after not communicating clearly with him, she's not ready for a more mature relationship that works past these things in service of the larger, deeper love that's a keeper.

I will repeat again: she already told him, in earlier conversations, that her EX was inattentive and did not take the initiative to celebrate her birthdays, it bothered her a lot and it was one of the issues in their relationship.

If after this conversation, this man needs to be remained again, that this is important to her then he is inattentive, obtuse or does not care.

You are either attentive and take the initiate or you don’t, it’s not a test, it’s a reflection of who you are. For OP this is a priority.

[Anonymous]

The reaction here to an initial troll post is remarkable.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks all. Good news- bf stopped by last night while I was packing and brought flowers and said they were an “early birthday present”. Then he asked me if I was free next week when I return from the trip to go out dinner for my birthday. Very happy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope that OP keeps us updated. This is the best will-he-or-won't-he I've read in a while.

For the record, I'm Team OP. She told him it was important to celebrate her birthday. If he drops the ball, they are incompatible. Doesn't matter how any of us celebrate or don't celebrate our birthdays.

OP: thank you We went for a walk last night and grabbed a quick bit to eat and at one point he again said, "someone's birthday's coming up!" and I smiled. But, no mention of any plans for before (it would have to be tonight) or after birthday. Trying to be chill- it's hard!

Op you blew it right there IMO. Why didn't you ask if he has any plans? Maybe he's been hoping for ideas.

Op: to clarify, all I was hoping for is maybe lunch or dinner, as PP stated- nothing extravagant. But per your question, we talked a few weeks ago about things we’ve always wanted to do in the city that we haven’t done yet, and I named 5-6 things (shows, museums, etc).

Are you being purposefully dense? You need to tell him you want to do something WITH HIM for your birthday!! Listing activities you want to do sometimes, but then blowing him off when he says your birthday is coming up?! He keeps bringing up your birthday and you are shooting him down every time! I totally agree the with poster up thread who said you are giving him a clear signal that you do NOT want to celebrate your birthday with him.

Op: I’m not shooting him down at all! And if we don’t do anything but he gets me a gift, I’ll be very happy! For everyone saying I need to TELL HIM, I am trying to find out if we’re compatible long-term. And if he doesn’t do anything, I know we’re not.

New poster. OP, I'm going to fix this for you, because you didn't quite finish your thought above:

"I'm trying to find out if we're compatible long term. He needs to be able to read my mind if we're going to be a long-term couple. I will dump him if he can't guess what I want, based on hints and my coy way of deflecting when he brings up my birthday. He should WANT to do something for me, should want it so much he can read my 'hints' even if some people would read them as the exact opposite of what I really want!"

He. Cannot. Read. Your. Mind. And you really want him to! If he were "compatible" with you he would just know what you really want! Based on generic talks about things you generally like.

Do you really not understand why this is not mature thinking? And why true compatibility for a real relationship is not at all about birthday celebration plans?

If you would do this over your birthday, heaven help him when the holidays roll around. Why would you intentionally screw up a decent relationship because you are testing him to see if he is psychic?! And that's what you are doing -- testing him. Grown-ups don't do that, OP. They just don't.

She wants a guy who TAKES THE INITIATIVE and makes thoughtful gestures during special occasions. She ALREADY told him this. She is allowed to have this very reasonable preference. Heck, even employers expect it of many employees.

Yes, it's the taking the initiative part that's important.

*facepalm* THE BIRTHDAY HASN’T EVEN HAPPENED YET. In no university would it be reasonable to be bummed he didn’t take the initiative to do something for your birthday when it’s still BEFORE your birthday!!

Of course it's reasonable. She knows he hasn't made any plans that she would need to be informed of ahead of time. You know, like a date.

Which still leaves a surprise party, flowers at her hotel where she’s traveling, a gift. She doesn’t need to be informed ahead of time for every avenue of celebration.

Right, which is why she hasn't already dumped him.

And yet, she’s already bummed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope that OP keeps us updated. This is the best will-he-or-won't-he I've read in a while.

For the record, I'm Team OP. She told him it was important to celebrate her birthday. If he drops the ball, they are incompatible. Doesn't matter how any of us celebrate or don't celebrate our birthdays.

OP: thank you We went for a walk last night and grabbed a quick bit to eat and at one point he again said, "someone's birthday's coming up!" and I smiled. But, no mention of any plans for before (it would have to be tonight) or after birthday. Trying to be chill- it's hard!

Op you blew it right there IMO. Why didn't you ask if he has any plans? Maybe he's been hoping for ideas.

Op: to clarify, all I was hoping for is maybe lunch or dinner, as PP stated- nothing extravagant. But per your question, we talked a few weeks ago about things we’ve always wanted to do in the city that we haven’t done yet, and I named 5-6 things (shows, museums, etc).

Are you being purposefully dense? You need to tell him you want to do something WITH HIM for your birthday!! Listing activities you want to do sometimes, but then blowing him off when he says your birthday is coming up?! He keeps bringing up your birthday and you are shooting him down every time! I totally agree the with poster up thread who said you are giving him a clear signal that you do NOT want to celebrate your birthday with him.

Op: I’m not shooting him down at all! And if we don’t do anything but he gets me a gift, I’ll be very happy! For everyone saying I need to TELL HIM, I am trying to find out if we’re compatible long-term. And if he doesn’t do anything, I know we’re not.

New poster. OP, I'm going to fix this for you, because you didn't quite finish your thought above:

"I'm trying to find out if we're compatible long term. He needs to be able to read my mind if we're going to be a long-term couple. I will dump him if he can't guess what I want, based on hints and my coy way of deflecting when he brings up my birthday. He should WANT to do something for me, should want it so much he can read my 'hints' even if some people would read them as the exact opposite of what I really want!"

He. Cannot. Read. Your. Mind. And you really want him to! If he were "compatible" with you he would just know what you really want! Based on generic talks about things you generally like.

Do you really not understand why this is not mature thinking? And why true compatibility for a real relationship is not at all about birthday celebration plans?

If you would do this over your birthday, heaven help him when the holidays roll around. Why would you intentionally screw up a decent relationship because you are testing him to see if he is psychic?! And that's what you are doing -- testing him. Grown-ups don't do that, OP. They just don't.

She wants a guy who TAKES THE INITIATIVE and makes thoughtful gestures during special occasions. She ALREADY told him this. She is allowed to have this very reasonable preference. Heck, even employers expect it of many employees.

No, she didn't, from what she's said here, "ALREADY tell" him "I want you to take the initiative" in so many words.

THAT would be actual communication. Instead she is being coy and hoping he'll read her unspoken signals. She doesn't have to tell him what to do, but they are pretty early in the relationship and she's really setting him up to fail. Nothing he does now is going to be quite what she'd hoped. She's testing him and that's not very adult of her.

Of course we ALL prefer that others take initiative and think of us without being told, celebrate us without being prompted to do so. That's ideal and lovely.

It also is not necessarily realistic. And it's a rather self-centered way to gauge, this early in a relationship, whether someone is a potential long-term boyfriend or girlfriend. She's making this the test for whether she breaks up with him, which tells us that she places extremely high value on a man who will "take initiative" or as I'd call it, "read her mind." Her birthday-surprise priorities are very starry-eyed romantic. If she would break up over THIS, especially after not communicating clearly with him, she's not ready for a more mature relationship that works past these things in service of the larger, deeper love that's a keeper.

100 percent this last paragraph. OP I’m glad he brought you flowers but I do hope you give all this some thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope that OP keeps us updated. This is the best will-he-or-won't-he I've read in a while.

For the record, I'm Team OP. She told him it was important to celebrate her birthday. If he drops the ball, they are incompatible. Doesn't matter how any of us celebrate or don't celebrate our birthdays.

OP: thank you We went for a walk last night and grabbed a quick bit to eat and at one point he again said, "someone's birthday's coming up!" and I smiled. But, no mention of any plans for before (it would have to be tonight) or after birthday. Trying to be chill- it's hard!

Op you blew it right there IMO. Why didn't you ask if he has any plans? Maybe he's been hoping for ideas.

Op: to clarify, all I was hoping for is maybe lunch or dinner, as PP stated- nothing extravagant. But per your question, we talked a few weeks ago about things we’ve always wanted to do in the city that we haven’t done yet, and I named 5-6 things (shows, museums, etc).

Are you being purposefully dense? You need to tell him you want to do something WITH HIM for your birthday!! Listing activities you want to do sometimes, but then blowing him off when he says your birthday is coming up?! He keeps bringing up your birthday and you are shooting him down every time! I totally agree the with poster up thread who said you are giving him a clear signal that you do NOT want to celebrate your birthday with him.

Op: I’m not shooting him down at all! And if we don’t do anything but he gets me a gift, I’ll be very happy! For everyone saying I need to TELL HIM, I am trying to find out if we’re compatible long-term. And if he doesn’t do anything, I know we’re not.

New poster. OP, I'm going to fix this for you, because you didn't quite finish your thought above:

"I'm trying to find out if we're compatible long term. He needs to be able to read my mind if we're going to be a long-term couple. I will dump him if he can't guess what I want, based on hints and my coy way of deflecting when he brings up my birthday. He should WANT to do something for me, should want it so much he can read my 'hints' even if some people would read them as the exact opposite of what I really want!"

He. Cannot. Read. Your. Mind. And you really want him to! If he were "compatible" with you he would just know what you really want! Based on generic talks about things you generally like.

Do you really not understand why this is not mature thinking? And why true compatibility for a real relationship is not at all about birthday celebration plans?

If you would do this over your birthday, heaven help him when the holidays roll around. Why would you intentionally screw up a decent relationship because you are testing him to see if he is psychic?! And that's what you are doing -- testing him. Grown-ups don't do that, OP. They just don't.

She wants a guy who TAKES THE INITIATIVE and makes thoughtful gestures during special occasions. She ALREADY told him this. She is allowed to have this very reasonable preference. Heck, even employers expect it of many employees.

No, she didn't, from what she's said here, "ALREADY tell" him "I want you to take the initiative" in so many words.

THAT would be actual communication. Instead she is being coy and hoping he'll read her unspoken signals. She doesn't have to tell him what to do, but they are pretty early in the relationship and she's really setting him up to fail. Nothing he does now is going to be quite what she'd hoped. She's testing him and that's not very adult of her.

Of course we ALL prefer that others take initiative and think of us without being told, celebrate us without being prompted to do so. That's ideal and lovely.

It also is not necessarily realistic. And it's a rather self-centered way to gauge, this early in a relationship, whether someone is a potential long-term boyfriend or girlfriend. She's making this the test for whether she breaks up with him, which tells us that she places extremely high value on a man who will "take initiative" or as I'd call it, "read her mind." Her birthday-surprise priorities are very starry-eyed romantic. If she would break up over THIS, especially after not communicating clearly with him, she's not ready for a more mature relationship that works past these things in service of the larger, deeper love that's a keeper.

I will repeat again: she already told him, in earlier conversations, that her EX was inattentive and did not take the initiative to celebrate her birthdays, it bothered her a lot and it was one of the issues in their relationship.

If after this conversation, this man needs to be remained again, that this is important to her then he is inattentive, obtuse or does not care.

You are either attentive and take the initiate or you don’t, it’s not a test, it’s a reflection of who you are. For OP this is a priority.

She told him once that her ex was inattentive and it bothered her. But every time he brought up her birthday, she played coy. That's immature and sends a confusing message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. Good news- bf stopped by last night while I was packing and brought flowers and said they were an “early birthday present”. Then he asked me if I was free next week when I return from the trip to go out dinner for my birthday. Very happy!

Yay, OP!!! I’m so glad he came through!

I hope your trip goes well and that your birthday dinner goes even better. Happy Birthday!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. Good news- bf stopped by last night while I was packing and brought flowers and said they were an “early birthday present”. Then he asked me if I was free next week when I return from the trip to go out dinner for my birthday. Very happy!

Your bf would not be happy if he knew how unhinged you've been about this over the last week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope that OP keeps us updated. This is the best will-he-or-won't-he I've read in a while.

For the record, I'm Team OP. She told him it was important to celebrate her birthday. If he drops the ball, they are incompatible. Doesn't matter how any of us celebrate or don't celebrate our birthdays.

OP: thank you We went for a walk last night and grabbed a quick bit to eat and at one point he again said, "someone's birthday's coming up!" and I smiled. But, no mention of any plans for before (it would have to be tonight) or after birthday. Trying to be chill- it's hard!

Jesus, what is wrong with you? He's fishing to see what you want to do, what your expectations are, etc., and you just blow it off! I bet he's really confused. He's supposed to be a mind reader? You could have said any of a dozen things to let him know what you hoped for, and you just "smiled" and dropped the subject. This is NOT how adults manage these things.

What would you have said if you were OP?

NP

‘ Yes! Do you want to do something when I get back?’ Or, ‘Yes! I’d love to try Dauphine’s/go dancing/go to an art exhibit w/ you to celebrate when I get back from my trip’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. Good news- bf stopped by last night while I was packing and brought flowers and said they were an “early birthday present”. Then he asked me if I was free next week when I return from the trip to go out dinner for my birthday. Very happy!

Your bf would not be happy if he knew how unhinged you've been about this over the last week.

Hahahaha, my thoughts exactly!

[Anonymous]

If you're old enough to be divorced, you're old enough to realize you shouldn't care about your birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. Good news- bf stopped by last night while I was packing and brought flowers and said they were an “early birthday present”. Then he asked me if I was free next week when I return from the trip to go out dinner for my birthday. Very happy!

Your bf would not be happy if he knew how unhinged you've been about this over the last week.

+1

He passed this test, this time. She'll set another test eventually, around some other unspoken or only hinted-at expectation she has for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. Good news- bf stopped by last night while I was packing and brought flowers and said they were an “early birthday present”. Then he asked me if I was free next week when I return from the trip to go out dinner for my birthday. Very happy!

Your bf would not be happy if he knew how unhinged you've been about this over the last week.

+1

He passed this test, this time. She'll set another test eventually, around some other unspoken or only hinted-at expectation she has for him.

+100

Look at the drama catastrophizing something that hadn’t happened yet, and now the casual update - no real excitement or acknowledgment of her part.

[Anonymous]

Please break up with him, he deserves a girlfriend who doesn't act like she's 16 years old.