Vent: “gift” of a trip that I don’t want and requires me to spend lots of money and time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are always willing to pay for the airbnb--which they choose and can be cheapskates on--its by far the cheapest part of the trip compared to food/outings/rentals/air far. Then you get there and they expect all the kids to sleep on the living room floor and you and your DH to share a double bed.

^^^

Ex in laws pulled this crap too. They paid for the shared house. We were responsible for plane tickets, food etc. The last time we went, my then husband and I were supposed to sleep in twin beds that were on opposite ends of the room that we would be sharing with BIL, his wife and their toddler. Very young kids had a bedroom with their parents but otherwise were supposed to sleep in chairs or on the floor on a screened in porch. Never again.

Yeah mine have a vacation house with a huge 2nd story bunk room. All of us adults are supposed to sleep in the twin bunks. It's like basic training in the military and someone is bound to snore. I hadn't slept in a twin bed since I was 10 and I don't like bunking with my BILs and SILs. And of course someone's kid is up at 6am.

Wait, this is hilarious. Did they design the house like this on purpose? Like they thought their grown adult kids would all be bunking together?

PP here. Yes they did design it. It's a new build vacation home. It would have been cool if it was only for grandkids and adults all got bedrooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

It amazes me you don't get it. It's not like this a trip OP wants to go on to a wonderful place and she gets the bonus of some parts paid for. It's a manipulative "gift" where she is still forced to pay a chunk of money and take off from work.

If your spouse is on board, you politely decline. These days Covid is a great excuse. Give a nice gift with heartwarming card and be done. Let the chips/drama fall where it may.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

It amazes me you don't get it. It's not like this a trip OP wants to go on to a wonderful place and she gets the bonus of some parts paid for. It's a manipulative "gift" where she is still forced to pay a chunk of money and take off from work.

If your spouse is on board, you politely decline. These days Covid is a great excuse. Give a nice gift with heartwarming card and be done. Let the chips/drama fall where it may.

Dp. Imagine if the in-laws only invited blood relatives on this trip? I can guesswhat people would say! My in law is taking us on a vacation and yes it isn't where I would choose but, I am accepting of it because their intentions are good...ie wants to spend time with us.

Op maybe you should bow out now and let your dh/kids have the fun. Maybe your inlaws will be happy/unhappy but at least you won't be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

It amazes me you don't get it. It's not like this a trip OP wants to go on to a wonderful place and she gets the bonus of some parts paid for. It's a manipulative "gift" where she is still forced to pay a chunk of money and take off from work.

If your spouse is on board, you politely decline. These days Covid is a great excuse. Give a nice gift with heartwarming card and be done. Let the chips/drama fall where it may.

It is no more manipulative than a wedding invite. In fact, that is the perfect analogy. These people want to celebrate an important life milestone and they want to do so with their family. They are shelling out the cost of the specific event, but others will have to pay to get there and other incidentals. It is also disruptive to their lives and might not be where they would choose to go on their own at the time they would go.

Sure, people get annoyed about weddings, and sometimes for good reason. But that is all this is. Same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

It amazes me you don't get it. It's not like this a trip OP wants to go on to a wonderful place and she gets the bonus of some parts paid for. It's a manipulative "gift" where she is still forced to pay a chunk of money and take off from work.

If your spouse is on board, you politely decline. These days Covid is a great excuse. Give a nice gift with heartwarming card and be done. Let the chips/drama fall where it may.

It is no more manipulative than a wedding invite. In fact, that is the perfect analogy. These people want to celebrate an important life milestone and they want to do so with their family. They are shelling out the cost of the specific event, but others will have to pay to get there and other incidentals. It is also disruptive to their lives and might not be where they would choose to go on their own at the time they would go.

Sure, people get annoyed about weddings, and sometimes for good reason. But that is all this is. Same thing.

DP. That analogy works if the people getting married expect their guests to be grateful for the privilege of being invited to the wedding, as OP's ILs do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

The fact that they rented a big house is irrelevant if it costs OP $2500 in plane tickets to get there. What if I gave you a gift card for $50 to a store where the cheapest item is $200? That’s not really a gift. You either get nothing - and an annoyed relative - or you get something that you will enjoy - but perhaps not as much as the thing you were really saving that extra $150 for.

In this situation, I think the money is secondary to the time. Some people only get 2 week of vacation a year and look forward to having a week with just their spouse and kids. Even if the money isn’t a big deal, OP can’t make more time. She has to wait all year. Kids are only little for so many years and if you only get one vacation a year, it’s a big deal to be forced to give up a plan you’ve been looking forward to.

OP - if your husband has more vacation than you, I’d send just him and tell them you already have a trip booked with your only vacation time.

[Anonymous]

Obviously, if there’s a gift here it’s from you to the in laws. If it helps, think of it that way.

Most people spend money and vacation time on their families. That’s how it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

It amazes me you don't get it. It's not like this a trip OP wants to go on to a wonderful place and she gets the bonus of some parts paid for. It's a manipulative "gift" where she is still forced to pay a chunk of money and take off from work.

If your spouse is on board, you politely decline. These days Covid is a great excuse. Give a nice gift with heartwarming card and be done. Let the chips/drama fall where it may.

It is no more manipulative than a wedding invite. In fact, that is the perfect analogy. These people want to celebrate an important life milestone and they want to do so with their family. They are shelling out the cost of the specific event, but others will have to pay to get there and other incidentals. It is also disruptive to their lives and might not be where they would choose to go on their own at the time they would go.

Sure, people get annoyed about weddings, and sometimes for good reason. But that is all this is. Same thing.

DP. That analogy works if the people getting married expect their guests to be grateful for the privilege of being invited to the wedding, as OP's ILs do.

Fair point. But that is a lot about perceived intentions and reading into what is being said. OP can choose to respond to that type of thing, or just let it go. (Not being dismissive or judgmental of OP. But it is an option to change the mindset about what to focus on.)

The circumstance/facts are the same as a wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

That was your takeaway from this post? Wow. That noise you hear is the point wooshing over your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yeah mine have a vacation house with a huge 2nd story bunk room. All of us adults are supposed to sleep in the twin bunks. It's like basic training in the military and someone is bound to snore. I hadn't slept in a twin bed since I was 10 and I don't like bunking with my BILs and SILs. And of course someone's kid is up at 6am.

Wait, this is hilarious. Did they design the house like this on purpose? Like they thought their grown adult kids would all be bunking together?

PP here. Yes they did design it. It's a new build vacation home. It would have been cool if it was only for grandkids and adults all got bedrooms.

Was this you? I had been hoping they didn't go through with it.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/674293.page

[Anonymous]

I’ve been on many trips like this with the in-laws. They are never to a locale I’m interested in visiting, MIL plans every minute and you may not deviate from her plan under any circumstance. You’re feeling nauseous and want to sleep in, buck up! Your kids wake up at 6:00 and are hungry so you try to take them for breakfast. Too bad, brunch is at 10:00. You have a friend in the town you’re visiting- this is a family trip, not a time for visiting friends! They do pay for everything, which makes it worse bc then you feel obligated to follow the plan. I’d much rather plan and pay for my own vacations!

I went with the flow for many years but have eventually gotten to a place where I protect my own free time. It’s not worth it to me to spend my limited vacation doing what someone else wants. I’ve told DH he can go on these trips with the kids without me, and he does occasionally and also declines trips. We all go about once every 3-4 years now. I blame my work and tell MIL I can’t get the time off. She doesn’t like it, but I have to set boundaries or I end up resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

The fact that they rented a big house is irrelevant if it costs OP $2500 in plane tickets to get there. What if I gave you a gift card for $50 to a store where the cheapest item is $200? That’s not really a gift. You either get nothing - and an annoyed relative - or you get something that you will enjoy - but perhaps not as much as the thing you were really saving that extra $150 for.

In this situation, I think the money is secondary to the time. Some people only get 2 week of vacation a year and look forward to having a week with just their spouse and kids. Even if the money isn’t a big deal, OP can’t make more time. She has to wait all year. Kids are only little for so many years and if you only get one vacation a year, it’s a big deal to be forced to give up a plan you’ve been looking forward to.

OP - if your husband has more vacation than you, I’d send just him and tell them you already have a trip booked with your only vacation time.

This. This is basically telling someone to use a week of leave, pay for 5 plane tickets, and vacation in a place they don't want to go, but "we'll pay for your lodging." I'd be annoyed too.

And the previous wedding analogy is terrible. First, weddings don't require a week of leave. But more importantly, weddings are invitations, not commands, to a larger group of people. Here, the trip was postured as a gift, putting OP in the uncomfortable position of refusing a "gift." Plus, it's just family, so it will undoubtedly create issues if OP refuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are always willing to pay for the airbnb--which they choose and can be cheapskates on--its by far the cheapest part of the trip compared to food/outings/rentals/air far. Then you get there and they expect all the kids to sleep on the living room floor and you and your DH to share a double bed.

^^^

Ex in laws pulled this crap too. They paid for the shared house. We were responsible for plane tickets, food etc. The last time we went, my then husband and I were supposed to sleep in twin beds that were on opposite ends of the room that we would be sharing with BIL, his wife and their toddler. Very young kids had a bedroom with their parents but otherwise were supposed to sleep in chairs or on the floor on a screened in porch. Never again.

Yeah mine have a vacation house with a huge 2nd story bunk room. All of us adults are supposed to sleep in the twin bunks. It's like basic training in the military and someone is bound to snore. I hadn't slept in a twin bed since I was 10 and I don't like bunking with my BILs and SILs. And of course someone's kid is up at 6am.

OMG I actually AM in the military and this set up sounds like an absolute nightmare. That is not a vacation, that's torture! I hate when I have to sleep in a tent or barracks with a dozen or more people (doesn't happen often for me at this stage of my career thank GOD), even though we're usually good about lights out/quiet times you just can't sleep well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing it's more about the way the ILs are approaching it. If they had said "We are retiring and it would mean the world to us if you guys could join us on a special vacation this summer to celebrate. We can afford to pay for food and the house, but we have to ask you guys to pay for your airfare and car. We appreciate you taking the time off work and doing this as your vacation this year!"

Instead, it sounds like they told everyone about the "gift" as though they are being generous and selfless, and have totally glossed over the financial and personal expenses that come with it. It's annoying and self centered. My MIL was like that. We just got better about saying no.

Yep. This.

My mom wanted a family trip for her 70th and it was a big deal road trip caravan. Visit her dad’s grave in one state and sprinkle her mom’s ashes in another state. She paid for a good part of it, which was a stretch for her. But the difference is she asked us to do it. She recognized it was, not an imposition exactly, but doing the trip she wanted instead of what my brothers family and mine would have chosen. The presentation made all the difference. If she’d acted entitled to it or like she was giving us a gift it would not have been well received by anyone (least of all my sister in law).

Turns out it was a great trip. Some hiccups and frustrations obviously but we got to see the places where my grandparents grew up, meet some extended family, and see where they lived when they first married (a light house on Long Island that I’d heard about my whole life). Nothing I’d ever choose to do again. And I know I won’t be asked to!

[Anonymous]

For the posters who think this is a rich people problem:

I come from Florida white trash farm stock.

When I was young, my aunt declared a family reunion would take place at her house an hour from Orlando and that one day we would all go to Disney. It was scheduled for August. She was hosting at her house so we didn’t have to pay for a hotel (but there were 20 people in a 4-bedroom). We did have to pay for gas to road trip down, use my parent’s PTO, and pay for Disney tickets, which were way out of budget for our family. All the rest of the family members were FL residents so they all had a friend-of-a-friend who could arrange for free tickets for at least some of their family members.

Ao my parents had to shell out like $700 for a vacation (which is WAY more than they normally spend), or go on a vacation where everybody but their own kids got to go to Disney. We ended up skipping Disney and going to a local Gator-themed animal park reminiscent of Tiger King (but with reptiles). My brother and I were super disappointed at the time but as an adult I am like “what was my aunt thinking?”


Any time someone offers to host in a way that requires a significant outlay of money, that is rude and annoying.