Vent: “gift” of a trip that I don’t want and requires me to spend lots of money and time

[Anonymous]

I read through this whole thread to find out if the bunkroom poster here is the same gal from 2017 and no answer! It has to be the same, right?

[Anonymous]

It certainly feels more like a demand than an ask. Whose feathers are going to be so ruffled that you need to give up your planned vacation your leave time $2500 and visit a park you are not that interest in ? It’s an invite. You have sufficient reasons to decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It certainly feels more like a demand than an ask. Whose feathers are going to be so ruffled that you need to give up your planned vacation your leave time $2500 and visit a park you are not that interest in ? It’s an invite. You have sufficient reasons to decline.

I agree it should be construed as an invite, regardless of what they said. OP has a choice.

But she already said in her OP that she made that choice, to go. Which is a fine choice. Even if it is not ideal, it could be a very memorable trip for the kids, or even the whole family.

Setting aside how the ILs worded it, I put myself in their shoes. They are celebrating a milestone birthday and retirement. Those are huge and they want to do something huge with family to celebrate/commemorate. It is a generous and kind thing to do to give them that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole conversation makes me extremely anxious about my relationship with my future DILs/SILs. Am i going to be expected to pay for time with my children in the future by footing the bill for everything always and if I don't I am A$$hole MIL? Like if I want to plan a trip to go skiing, am I even allowed to ask if they want to come without assuming the costs for their flights, car, food, lift tickets, everything? My only real splurge now is our family trips and there is no way in the future I can afford adding 3 spouses and all their children to the tab. Isn't realistic to expect adults to pay some of their way?

No, of course not. It's the manipulation that's the problem.

I actually think a simple invitation without any offer to pay for part of the trip is better than a manipulative attempt to pay for part of it.

And always remember that an invitation is not a summons. Don’t get offended if people turn you down.

[Anonymous]

I totally see now why some many MILs have issues with their DILs. Even though you try really hard to pretend you aren't difficult to deal with, you are demanding, snarky and controlling of the family entire dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole conversation makes me extremely anxious about my relationship with my future DILs/SILs. Am i going to be expected to pay for time with my children in the future by footing the bill for everything always and if I don't I am A$$hole MIL? Like if I want to plan a trip to go skiing, am I even allowed to ask if they want to come without assuming the costs for their flights, car, food, lift tickets, everything? My only real splurge now is our family trips and there is no way in the future I can afford adding 3 spouses and all their children to the tab. Isn't realistic to expect adults to pay some of their way?

No, of course not. It's the manipulation that's the problem.

I actually think a simple invitation without any offer to pay for part of the trip is better than a manipulative attempt to pay for part of it.

And always remember that an invitation is not a summons. Don’t get offended if people turn you down.

I don't think offering to pay for part of it has to be manipulative: "We're going to Lake Placid in July and we'd love it if you could join us. We'll rent a bigger house -- our treat -- if you want to come, but no worries if it doesn't work for you. Do we need to wait until you hear about camp?"

[Anonymous]

Boomers won’t word something with no worries if you can’t come. They are generally an insanely selfish generation. They want what they want and don’t want to hear no.

DH,s grandmother is from the greatest generation. She has never demands on her children, grandchildren, or great grandchildren. She invites people all the time on trips and has zero expectations that people say yes. She hosted holidays up until her death and was everyone is welcome to come but no issues if your going on vacation, with your in laws or just want to stay home. It’s awesome!

Her children who are all boomers are the most obnoxious bunch of demanding jerks. They manipulate, demand, whine, pout and do whatever they can to get what they want from their children, nieces and nephews, and each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boomers won’t word something with no worries if you can’t come. They are generally an insanely selfish generation. They want what they want and don’t want to hear no.

DH,s grandmother is from the greatest generation. She has never demands on her children, grandchildren, or great grandchildren. She invites people all the time on trips and has zero expectations that people say yes. She hosted holidays up until her death and was everyone is welcome to come but no issues if your going on vacation, with your in laws or just want to stay home. It’s awesome!

Her children who are all boomers are the most obnoxious bunch of demanding jerks. They manipulate, demand, whine, pout and do whatever they can to get what they want from their children, nieces and nephews, and each other.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boomers won’t word something with no worries if you can’t come. They are generally an insanely selfish generation. They want what they want and don’t want to hear no.

DH,s grandmother is from the greatest generation. She has never demands on her children, grandchildren, or great grandchildren. She invites people all the time on trips and has zero expectations that people say yes. She hosted holidays up until her death and was everyone is welcome to come but no issues if your going on vacation, with your in laws or just want to stay home. It’s awesome!

Her children who are all boomers are the most obnoxious bunch of demanding jerks. They manipulate, demand, whine, pout and do whatever they can to get what they want from their children, nieces and nephews, and each other.

+1

Yup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boomers won’t word something with no worries if you can’t come. They are generally an insanely selfish generation. They want what they want and don’t want to hear no.

DH,s grandmother is from the greatest generation. She has never demands on her children, grandchildren, or great grandchildren. She invites people all the time on trips and has zero expectations that people say yes. She hosted holidays up until her death and was everyone is welcome to come but no issues if your going on vacation, with your in laws or just want to stay home. It’s awesome!

Her children who are all boomers are the most obnoxious bunch of demanding jerks. They manipulate, demand, whine, pout and do whatever they can to get what they want from their children, nieces and nephews, and each other.

Boomer bashing is quite the sport with you DCUMers.

[Anonymous]

No matter how they ask, where the location is, or what they pay for, some of you are going to paint the in-laws as manipulative to serve your narrative. Don't go on the damn vacation if you are so put out but don't keep your spouse from going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boomers won’t word something with no worries if you can’t come. They are generally an insanely selfish generation. They want what they want and don’t want to hear no.

DH,s grandmother is from the greatest generation. She has never demands on her children, grandchildren, or great grandchildren. She invites people all the time on trips and has zero expectations that people say yes. She hosted holidays up until her death and was everyone is welcome to come but no issues if your going on vacation, with your in laws or just want to stay home. It’s awesome!

Her children who are all boomers are the most obnoxious bunch of demanding jerks. They manipulate, demand, whine, pout and do whatever they can to get what they want from their children, nieces and nephews, and each other.

Sounds like DH grandmother went wrong somewhere. This doesn't remotely describe my boomer parents or many others I know. Why the need to blast a whole generation instead of just looking at your own personal family situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read through this whole thread to find out if the bunkroom poster here is the same gal from 2017 and no answer! It has to be the same, right?

Haha! I saw that post and was wondering the same thing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I empathize OP and I am in a similar situation with my own parents.

It helped when I thought of it this way- my parents want to celebrate a major milestone for them and the way they want to do that is to have their family around them. They are asking us to participate in that celebration as a gift to them and doing a little bit to make it easier.

You are either willing to give them that gift, or not. Either answer is obviously OK. But where we landed was to give my parents that gift of letting them have their ideal celebration surrounded by family.

I love this. Very beautiful. OP, your in laws have tha audacity to what to spend time with their family at an important time/event for them. It’s one thing if you just can’t afford it, but you are definitely coming off as whiny and selfish.

If you think this m, you did not understand the post you responded to. And you do not agree with it at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I empathize OP and I am in a similar situation with my own parents.

It helped when I thought of it this way- my parents want to celebrate a major milestone for them and the way they want to do that is to have their family around them. They are asking us to participate in that celebration as a gift to them and doing a little bit to make it easier.

You are either willing to give them that gift, or not. Either answer is obviously OK. But where we landed was to give my parents that gift of letting them have their ideal celebration surrounded by family.

I love this. Very beautiful. OP, your in laws have tha audacity to what to spend time with their family at an important time/event for them. It’s one thing if you just can’t afford it, but you are definitely coming off as whiny and selfish.

If you think this m, you did not understand the post you responded to. And you do not agree with it at all.

No, you misunderstood to whom I was speaking to in that sentence.