Vent: “gift” of a trip that I don’t want and requires me to spend lots of money and time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same situation here. Father in law wants us to join him on a trip to a third world country to celebrate his 75th. Tickets alone are $1500 pp and would require us to take 2 weeks off over Xmas. Out of the 2 weeks, he is has fully “booked” 8 days and has generously given us the remaining non travel days to do as he wishes.

DH will go along with it because of the heavy guilt trip.

How come it’s always husband’s side of parents?

Because so many men are live up to the stereotypes and do not communicate well with their parents, are not direct and are afraid to hurt their mommy (or daddy)'s feelings. The stereotype exists for a reason.

+1

Boys tend to be more intensely punished by their abusive parents as well so the damage is more extreme to their understanding of their personal autonomy.

http://unh.edu/ccrc/pdf/CV358%20-%20Published%202019.pdf

https://www.webmd.com/children/news/20210419/spankings-impacts-on-kids-brains-similar-to-abuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are they considering 70 a milestone? Shouldn’t it be $75?

How much does the airBNB cost? Depending on the park, location and time of year it might actually be pretty cheap. You could turn this around by all the siblings paying for the Airbnb. You all insist that it’s your gift to them. This way you all don’t have to get them another gift. They can’t pull the be grateful for our gift (which isn’t a gift) crap. They might be thrilled that you are all gifting them the Airbnb.

If you want to be a bit snarky you can always let it drop in front of them that it was no problem picking up the Airbnb cost because it was so much less than all the other expenses. After all it was going to cost us thousands to attend so a few hundred more didn’t make a difference.

SO your advice is to go, but be snotty about it? Lovely.

[Anonymous]

Lol, we did this National Park trip with the In-laws a few years ago. Yuck.
We paid our own flights, rental car, to sleep in a overly hot bedroom with our kids, and all get lost while caravaning through Yellowstone.

My advice- don't go. You have a great excuse- work.
Tell DH you are staying home, but he's welcome to go and take any kids. And then, don't let him discuss it at all with you. His problem.

[Anonymous]

and it is not the "right" thing to do. It is "their" thing to do. Don't feel any guilt about not going. This is DH's thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole conversation makes me extremely anxious about my relationship with my future DILs/SILs. Am i going to be expected to pay for time with my children in the future by footing the bill for everything always and if I don't I am A$$hole MIL? Like if I want to plan a trip to go skiing, am I even allowed to ask if they want to come without assuming the costs for their flights, car, food, lift tickets, everything? My only real splurge now is our family trips and there is no way in the future I can afford adding 3 spouses and all their children to the tab. Isn't realistic to expect adults to pay some of their way?

Not at all! My in-laws start a conversation like this. “We’re going on vacation this summer and we’d like you to join us. Do you have anything planned?”
We say - not yet, what were you thinking.
They say - let’s go to our timeshare in Colorado
We say - we’re not comfortable getting on a plane with Covid and the kids. What about something drivable?
Them - ok - let’s pencil in a mid-Atlantic beach week
Us - great. Camp signups are done mid-Feb. what week should we leave open?

They do end up paying for the house - but we didn’t have to fly if we didn’t want to and they collaborated about what week makes sense. We would go even if we paid for the house - because it’s a collective decision on location and we like spending time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole conversation makes me extremely anxious about my relationship with my future DILs/SILs. Am i going to be expected to pay for time with my children in the future by footing the bill for everything always and if I don't I am A$$hole MIL? Like if I want to plan a trip to go skiing, am I even allowed to ask if they want to come without assuming the costs for their flights, car, food, lift tickets, everything? My only real splurge now is our family trips and there is no way in the future I can afford adding 3 spouses and all their children to the tab. Isn't realistic to expect adults to pay some of their way?

Not at all! My in-laws start a conversation like this. “We’re going on vacation this summer and we’d like you to join us. Do you have anything planned?”
We say - not yet, what were you thinking.
They say - let’s go to our timeshare in Colorado
We say - we’re not comfortable getting on a plane with Covid and the kids. What about something drivable?
Them - ok - let’s pencil in a mid-Atlantic beach week
Us - great. Camp signups are done mid-Feb. what week should we leave open?

They do end up paying for the house - but we didn’t have to fly if we didn’t want to and they collaborated about what week makes sense. We would go even if we paid for the house - because it’s a collective decision on location and we like spending time with them.

It's truly wonderful that you can have (or imagine) this convo w your ILs. Anyone who has been manipu-bullied into going on a "milestone family trip" where the "the planners (ie. MIL, FIL, parents, whoever)" determine that they will allocate another adult's personal vacation time and personal expense for their (the planners) benefit gets what OP is saying. The consideration of another person's feelings and wherewithal to 'meet expectations' is not a two-way street. It's a one-way street, and DIL has to give up her time and money and be a good girl to make the ILs "happiest ever, most special ever" dreams come true.

Would you really tell your adult children that they need to show up for you in the middle of the country for you to 'truly' be celebrated and 'feel' acknowledged??

Many "planners" do not allow the type of conversation described above (probably because they were not respected by their parents either), or they may pretend to do so (under the 'we're open-minded and progressive' story they tell themselves'), and then double-down on their goal because they (the planners) feel / think / determine it is ok to demand time and money that is not theirs to demand.

It's like a boss that keeps calling you after hours, or while you are vacation with an "emergency" (!) and you have to take their calls and pay attention to "crisis" or "concerns" and do what they are asking while you are on vacation to keep your job, or stay in their 'good graces' to keep you job.

I doubt OP would expect / beg / demand that her ILs to go on an expensive vacation to see and celebrate her.

OP sounds very nice, and her ILs are lucky to have her as their DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I empathize OP and I am in a similar situation with my own parents.

It helped when I thought of it this way- my parents want to celebrate a major milestone for them and the way they want to do that is to have their family around them. They are asking us to participate in that celebration as a gift to them and doing a little bit to make it easier.

You are either willing to give them that gift, or not. Either answer is obviously OK. But where we landed was to give my parents that gift of letting them have their ideal celebration surrounded by family.

I love this. Very beautiful. OP, your in laws have tha audacity to what to spend time with their family at an important time/event for them. It’s one thing if you just can’t afford it, but you are definitely coming off as whiny and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Send the husband and children to vacation with the inlaws. Stay home and claim you had work and couldn't go.

Problem solved. You get your own vacation from your family, and they get a vacation from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I empathize OP and I am in a similar situation with my own parents.

It helped when I thought of it this way- my parents want to celebrate a major milestone for them and the way they want to do that is to have their family around them. They are asking us to participate in that celebration as a gift to them and doing a little bit to make it easier.

You are either willing to give them that gift, or not. Either answer is obviously OK. But where we landed was to give my parents that gift of letting them have their ideal celebration surrounded by family.

I love this. Very beautiful. OP, your in laws have tha audacity to what to spend time with their family at an important time/event for them. It’s one thing if you just can’t afford it, but you are definitely coming off as whiny and selfish.

Wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I empathize OP and I am in a similar situation with my own parents.

It helped when I thought of it this way- my parents want to celebrate a major milestone for them and the way they want to do that is to have their family around them. They are asking us to participate in that celebration as a gift to them and doing a little bit to make it easier.

You are either willing to give them that gift, or not. Either answer is obviously OK. But where we landed was to give my parents that gift of letting them have their ideal celebration surrounded by family.

I love this. Very beautiful. OP, your in laws have tha audacity to what to spend time with their family at an important time/event for them. It’s one thing if you just can’t afford it, but you are definitely coming off as whiny and selfish.

If OP’s in-laws had said “we’re celebrating our 70th at a national park and we’d love to have you join us”, and she was expecting them to pay, then yeah, she’d be whiny and selfish. But instead they said that they were “taking the whole family on a trip.” The expectation is that they foot the bill. So no, she’s not being whiny. She’s right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole conversation makes me extremely anxious about my relationship with my future DILs/SILs. Am i going to be expected to pay for time with my children in the future by footing the bill for everything always and if I don't I am A$$hole MIL? Like if I want to plan a trip to go skiing, am I even allowed to ask if they want to come without assuming the costs for their flights, car, food, lift tickets, everything? My only real splurge now is our family trips and there is no way in the future I can afford adding 3 spouses and all their children to the tab. Isn't realistic to expect adults to pay some of their way?

It’s fine to make it clear upfront that you’re just planning a family trip and everyone pays their way. And don’t badger your kids and their families if they’d rather not go on every single trip you propose.

[Anonymous]

I think it's sus you only get one week of vacation a year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole conversation makes me extremely anxious about my relationship with my future DILs/SILs. Am i going to be expected to pay for time with my children in the future by footing the bill for everything always and if I don't I am A$$hole MIL? Like if I want to plan a trip to go skiing, am I even allowed to ask if they want to come without assuming the costs for their flights, car, food, lift tickets, everything? My only real splurge now is our family trips and there is no way in the future I can afford adding 3 spouses and all their children to the tab. Isn't realistic to expect adults to pay some of their way?

It’s fine to make it clear upfront that you’re just planning a family trip and everyone pays their way. And don’t badger your kids and their families if they’d rather not go on every single trip you propose.

I don't agree with treating adult DC's like young children you load into a car seat. We are older and retired. When you are the retired older person where you invite your adult DC's and their partners/families [if they exist] is important for their time spent traveling and use of limited vacation time. It's unrealistic to expect working adults or even post K-12 students to have the same degree of flexibility in going on their parents vacations as any parent had when the DC's were infants to grade 12.

There is a major world of difference in what could be command performances to places that require total air time over 6 hours plus checked ski gear plus a 1 hour drive from a less than 2.5 hour drive to local ski resorts. And your gear never leaves the vehicle until it's unloaded at the destination.

Beach? Rockville to Bethany 3 hours and 6 to Outer Banks. When our kids were young and we trekked them to double or quadruple transportation time locations more than 1 of them said why do it again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I empathize OP and I am in a similar situation with my own parents.

It helped when I thought of it this way- my parents want to celebrate a major milestone for them and the way they want to do that is to have their family around them. They are asking us to participate in that celebration as a gift to them and doing a little bit to make it easier.

You are either willing to give them that gift, or not. Either answer is obviously OK. But where we landed was to give my parents that gift of letting them have their ideal celebration surrounded by family.

I love this. Very beautiful. OP, your in laws have tha audacity to what to spend time with their family at an important time/event for them. It’s one thing if you just can’t afford it, but you are definitely coming off as whiny and selfish.

If OP’s in-laws had said “we’re celebrating our 70th at a national park and we’d love to have you join us”, and she was expecting them to pay, then yeah, she’d be whiny and selfish. But instead they said that they were “taking the whole family on a trip.” The expectation is that they foot the bill. So no, she’s not being whiny. She’s right.

I wrote the original post quoted. I don't think OP is whiny at all. She said she was going to go on the trip but wanted to vent about the way the ILs presented it. That is fine. They did not present or communicate it well. My post was not to indicate that the ILs did nothing wrong. IT was to suggest an alternate way to think about it that could ease the frustration/annoyance. It is what worked for me in a similar situation.

[Anonymous]

I think the combo of little time off extra expenses and Covid give you an excuse to decline. While you wait another year to accrue leave you will be resentful. Practicing saying no to things that don’t work for you is a life skill.