Vent: “gift” of a trip that I don’t want and requires me to spend lots of money and time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are always willing to pay for the airbnb--which they choose and can be cheapskates on--its by far the cheapest part of the trip compared to food/outings/rentals/air far. Then you get there and they expect all the kids to sleep on the living room floor and you and your DH to share a double bed.

^^^

Ex in laws pulled this crap too. They paid for the shared house. We were responsible for plane tickets, food etc. The last time we went, my then husband and I were supposed to sleep in twin beds that were on opposite ends of the room that we would be sharing with BIL, his wife and their toddler. Very young kids had a bedroom with their parents but otherwise were supposed to sleep in chairs or on the floor on a screened in porch. Never again.

Yeah mine have a vacation house with a huge 2nd story bunk room. All of us adults are supposed to sleep in the twin bunks. It's like basic training in the military and someone is bound to snore. I hadn't slept in a twin bed since I was 10 and I don't like bunking with my BILs and SILs. And of course someone's kid is up at 6am.

Oh hell no.
My ILs pulled this crap for years. There was a CURTAIN between “rooms” and they somehow thought that provided sufficient privacy. At one point I said “I don’t want to be able to hear the pop of the elastic of my SIL’s panties when she put them in in the morning.” That was graphic enough to get the point across.

I once got suckered into joining a trip organized by my MIL to show off her new timeshare. Turns out she bought a 1 BR unit, and invited me, DH, DC (toddler), BIL and SIL to join her. "But it's OK, because you guys can take the bedroom with the baby, BIL and SIL will sleep on the sofabed in the living room, and I'm bringing my ottoman that folds out into a twin mattress." And then it snowed all weekend. And the "free" tickets to the attached waterpark turned out to be $5 off.

DH and I had a come-to-Jesus about his mother's magical thinking after this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

Actually, these IL's spring for most things, so the spoiled DIL expects them to spring for EVERYTHING. So gross.

How do we know that these ILs spring for most things?

It's not really great when older parents make demands on their younger children's budgets in these ways. Would have been so much better to have had a convo - "we would like to celebrate our retirement and these are the options." But basically saying "this is what we are doing" and not saying, but expecting "and you'll need to cough up a couple grand for it" is just bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

Actually, these IL's spring for most things, so the spoiled DIL expects them to spring for EVERYTHING. So gross.

How do we know that these ILs spring for most things?

It's not really great when older parents make demands on their younger children's budgets in these ways. Would have been so much better to have had a convo - "we would like to celebrate our retirement and these are the options." But basically saying "this is what we are doing" and not saying, but expecting "and you'll need to cough up a couple grand for it" is just bad.

Everyone is an adult and say "that won't work this year"

[Anonymous]

On the flip side, my ILs arranged for an all expenses paid trip to the Caribbean and SIL said she wanted to decline and get the money for a real estate down payment. I pointed out to DH that what was even more troubling than the rudeness is that his SIL really had no idea that the total cost of the trip - not even her portion - would still fall far, far short of a down payment in the housing market where she lived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

Actually, these IL's spring for most things, so the spoiled DIL expects them to spring for EVERYTHING. So gross.

How do we know that these ILs spring for most things?

It's not really great when older parents make demands on their younger children's budgets in these ways. Would have been so much better to have had a convo - "we would like to celebrate our retirement and these are the options." But basically saying "this is what we are doing" and not saying, but expecting "and you'll need to cough up a couple grand for it" is just bad.

Everyone is an adult and say "that won't work this year"

Yes, agree. But is it really that hard for the older parents to think through? Look I was raised to defer as much as possible to the in law as a sign of respect. Fortunately my ILs are pretty good and I know my FIL appreciates my patience with my MIL. I might find it hard to say "it won't work this year" - thank god we've never had to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

The difference to me is that when we are all paying out own way, there is more of a collaboration to planning these trips. When we vacation with my parents and siblings, we pick somewhere within the budget and reasonable travelling distance of everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if they hadn't said it was a gift or a treat, but just said, "We would really like to celebrate our retirement/birthday as a family? It would mean so much if you came?"

Would you be fine with it then? if so just try to think of it in these terms even if it isn't what they said.

You might end up loving the vacation even if it wasn't your pick originally.

+1.

I said this in one of the earlier responses. And it isn't to be dismissive that OP is annoyed. It can be annoying. But it is just well-intentioned advice on how to possibly change your mindset so that you are less annoyed...

OP here. I agree that this is the best tact, and I will try to establish this mindset before the trip, if not sooner. I just need to vent my frustrations in order to move past them. One thing I realize is that the in-laws are framing it as a gift because they want to be able to brag to their peers about it. I guess it’s somewhat equivalent to a sweet sixteen party and wedding in social importance. I also realize that they likely subconsciously realize that this is a big cost to us and want to assuage their guilt by framing it as a gift and glossing over the non-gift parts. This is all very human of them, so I know I can get past it. And ultimately, I’m going on the trip for my husband—not them. My husband is a good guy, and I know he’d feel terribly if I didn’t go.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Yes, that's what this board is for. Gotta say I appreciate how my DH has always been game for anything with my family, even when stressful. We spent one Christmas break in a series of family meetings with my siblings, trying to figure out the next steps with our mom. DH was under a lot of pressure, so I was very grateful that he didn't once express the slightest resentment that the little time he had for a break was not spent on anything enjoyable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are always willing to pay for the airbnb--which they choose and can be cheapskates on--its by far the cheapest part of the trip compared to food/outings/rentals/air far. Then you get there and they expect all the kids to sleep on the living room floor and you and your DH to share a double bed.

^^^

Ex in laws pulled this crap too. They paid for the shared house. We were responsible for plane tickets, food etc. The last time we went, my then husband and I were supposed to sleep in twin beds that were on opposite ends of the room that we would be sharing with BIL, his wife and their toddler. Very young kids had a bedroom with their parents but otherwise were supposed to sleep in chairs or on the floor on a screened in porch. Never again.

Yeah mine have a vacation house with a huge 2nd story bunk room. All of us adults are supposed to sleep in the twin bunks. It's like basic training in the military and someone is bound to snore. I hadn't slept in a twin bed since I was 10 and I don't like bunking with my BILs and SILs. And of course someone's kid is up at 6am.

Wait, this is hilarious. Did they design the house like this on purpose? Like they thought their grown adult kids would all be bunking together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I totally understand. At least next year if they try to do it you can say "Last year we spent over $2,000 to do the vacation you wanted and I was happy to do that to celebrate your retirement. But this year, we're going on a little family vacation to where we want to go." Or something like that.

I am going to wind up spending over $3,000 for a cross-country trip in April that I don't want to do, but it would be wildly inappropriate if I didn't, and would damage relationships with the family I'm closest with, so I am trying to think of it as investing in relationships important to me.

Yea I'm done with this line of thinking. Life is too short to be miserable. I did this for years and I'm over it. I have learned to stand up for myself and say simply, " No, thank you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, urgh, that's tough. Think some PPs have good suggestions on thinking of this as a "gift" to them and try to let go as much as possible. Lots of memories for your children and will be a blessing for them when their grandparents pass.

FWIW, my MIL does a variation of this - she dispenses gifts (money/jewelry) that her ILs left to give to her children and wants accolades of gratitude for bestowing them. The first time I witnessed this I was just flabbergasted and mentioned to DH. He had just assumed that's how families handled such things and later said it was odd. Yes, I think there should be gratitude. MIL's role, however, has really been the bank/safe and I just don't get why she thinks her kids should really go over the top in thanking her for the gift that had really been left to them by their grandparents.

That stuff was given by their parents to them, they could’ve sold it and used money. I guess being gracious won’t kill you.

First, it's not me. Second, of course they all said "wow," "thank you", and all that. Third, she had told them over the years that this would happen, so these are not surprises. Maybe you have to know my MIL but she is not really doing anything here than handing it on - it wasn't necessarily even her money, but from FIL's side of the family who had made a fair amount from real estate sales in the 1920s. She has spent down most of it over the last twenty years except for what was designated for her kids. FIL isn't demanding fealty for it.

Ok, pp, we get it, graciousness is not a concept you have learned yet!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are always willing to pay for the airbnb--which they choose and can be cheapskates on--its by far the cheapest part of the trip compared to food/outings/rentals/air far. Then you get there and they expect all the kids to sleep on the living room floor and you and your DH to share a double bed.

^^^

Ex in laws pulled this crap too. They paid for the shared house. We were responsible for plane tickets, food etc. The last time we went, my then husband and I were supposed to sleep in twin beds that were on opposite ends of the room that we would be sharing with BIL, his wife and their toddler. Very young kids had a bedroom with their parents but otherwise were supposed to sleep in chairs or on the floor on a screened in porch. Never again.

Yeah mine have a vacation house with a huge 2nd story bunk room. All of us adults are supposed to sleep in the twin bunks. It's like basic training in the military and someone is bound to snore. I hadn't slept in a twin bed since I was 10 and I don't like bunking with my BILs and SILs. And of course someone's kid is up at 6am.

Wait, this is hilarious. Did they design the house like this on purpose? Like they thought their grown adult kids would all be bunking together?

It’s probably the attic to a 1 story cabin or something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, urgh, that's tough. Think some PPs have good suggestions on thinking of this as a "gift" to them and try to let go as much as possible. Lots of memories for your children and will be a blessing for them when their grandparents pass.

FWIW, my MIL does a variation of this - she dispenses gifts (money/jewelry) that her ILs left to give to her children and wants accolades of gratitude for bestowing them. The first time I witnessed this I was just flabbergasted and mentioned to DH. He had just assumed that's how families handled such things and later said it was odd. Yes, I think there should be gratitude. MIL's role, however, has really been the bank/safe and I just don't get why she thinks her kids should really go over the top in thanking her for the gift that had really been left to them by their grandparents.

That stuff was given by their parents to them, they could’ve sold it and used money. I guess being gracious won’t kill you.

Can you read? This stuff was left by grandparents TO GIVE TO THEIR GRANDKIDS. MIL was just keeping them and dispensing now, she had no right to sell her IL's jewelry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I totally understand. At least next year if they try to do it you can say "Last year we spent over $2,000 to do the vacation you wanted and I was happy to do that to celebrate your retirement. But this year, we're going on a little family vacation to where we want to go." Or something like that.

I am going to wind up spending over $3,000 for a cross-country trip in April that I don't want to do, but it would be wildly inappropriate if I didn't, and would damage relationships with the family I'm closest with, so I am trying to think of it as investing in relationships important to me.

Yea I'm done with this line of thinking. Life is too short to be miserable. I did this for years and I'm over it. I have learned to stand up for myself and say simply, " No, thank you."

That’s fine when you aren’t part of a family. Otherwise you need to consider the wants for your spouse and kids, not just yours. It isn’t just one person’s call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if they hadn't said it was a gift or a treat, but just said, "We would really like to celebrate our retirement/birthday as a family? It would mean so much if you came?"

Would you be fine with it then? if so just try to think of it in these terms even if it isn't what they said.

You might end up loving the vacation even if it wasn't your pick originally.

+1.

I said this in one of the earlier responses. And it isn't to be dismissive that OP is annoyed. It can be annoying. But it is just well-intentioned advice on how to possibly change your mindset so that you are less annoyed...

OP here. I agree that this is the best tact, and I will try to establish this mindset before the trip, if not sooner. I just need to vent my frustrations in order to move past them. One thing I realize is that the in-laws are framing it as a gift because they want to be able to brag to their peers about it. I guess it’s somewhat equivalent to a sweet sixteen party and wedding in social importance. I also realize that they likely subconsciously realize that this is a big cost to us and want to assuage their guilt by framing it as a gift and glossing over the non-gift parts. This is all very human of them, so I know I can get past it. And ultimately, I’m going on the trip for my husband—not them. My husband is a good guy, and I know he’d feel terribly if I didn’t go.

Thanks for letting me vent.

PP you are quoting. Can I just say that this is so refreshing! I wish all "IL vent" posts were like this. You get to vent about an annoying situation, people can validate that the situation is annoying and frustrating, and provide some suggestions for how to feel better about it, and the OP feels better for venting!

So often these posts devolve into so much IL bashing, projection, and overall nastiness.

Love this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, urgh, that's tough. Think some PPs have good suggestions on thinking of this as a "gift" to them and try to let go as much as possible. Lots of memories for your children and will be a blessing for them when their grandparents pass.

FWIW, my MIL does a variation of this - she dispenses gifts (money/jewelry) that her ILs left to give to her children and wants accolades of gratitude for bestowing them. The first time I witnessed this I was just flabbergasted and mentioned to DH. He had just assumed that's how families handled such things and later said it was odd. Yes, I think there should be gratitude. MIL's role, however, has really been the bank/safe and I just don't get why she thinks her kids should really go over the top in thanking her for the gift that had really been left to them by their grandparents.

That stuff was given by their parents to them, they could’ve sold it and used money. I guess being gracious won’t kill you.

Can you read? This stuff was left by grandparents TO GIVE TO THEIR GRANDKIDS. MIL was just keeping them and dispensing now, she had no right to sell her IL's jewelry.

TY!