Vent: “gift” of a trip that I don’t want and requires me to spend lots of money and time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i hate stuff like this. i don't think OP is asking for a free flight handout. she's annoyed that she has to do a ton of work, and pay a lot of money, and her inlaws consider this a gift and credit themselves with the gift. that IS annoying. it should just be called what it is: an extended family group vacation.

What if her DH actually wants to go and thinks it would be fun with the kids? Why does it only matter what OP wants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to go!

This. Let dh with one, 2 or 3 kids - depending on their ages. Then you, dh and kids can do either another week trip - if dh can, or something smaller. Can you afford that? That way, you spend less money on tickets also to fly to the national park.

[Anonymous]

My parents mentioned something similar for August. I haven't said a word as they aren't organized and I'm hoping the thought evaporates.

I've made it clear in the past that if they want the big family trip they need to pay, for some reason they think my siblings and I should gift this to them on a yearly basis.

OP if you can, work from home a few days, or find some sort of distraction where you can't make every little thing, opps a meeting popped up.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing it's more about the way the ILs are approaching it. If they had said "We are retiring and it would mean the world to us if you guys could join us on a special vacation this summer to celebrate. We can afford to pay for food and the house, but we have to ask you guys to pay for your airfare and car. We appreciate you taking the time off work and doing this as your vacation this year!"

Instead, it sounds like they told everyone about the "gift" as though they are being generous and selfless, and have totally glossed over the financial and personal expenses that come with it. It's annoying and self centered. My MIL was like that. We just got better about saying no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing it's more about the way the ILs are approaching it. If they had said "We are retiring and it would mean the world to us if you guys could join us on a special vacation this summer to celebrate. We can afford to pay for food and the house, but we have to ask you guys to pay for your airfare and car. We appreciate you taking the time off work and doing this as your vacation this year!"

Instead, it sounds like they told everyone about the "gift" as though they are being generous and selfless, and have totally glossed over the financial and personal expenses that come with it. It's annoying and self centered. My MIL was like that. We just got better about saying no.

[phone]

[Anonymous]

OP, urgh, that's tough. Think some PPs have good suggestions on thinking of this as a "gift" to them and try to let go as much as possible. Lots of memories for your children and will be a blessing for them when their grandparents pass.

FWIW, my MIL does a variation of this - she dispenses gifts (money/jewelry) that her ILs left to give to her children and wants accolades of gratitude for bestowing them. The first time I witnessed this I was just flabbergasted and mentioned to DH. He had just assumed that's how families handled such things and later said it was odd. Yes, I think there should be gratitude. MIL's role, however, has really been the bank/safe and I just don't get why she thinks her kids should really go over the top in thanking her for the gift that had really been left to them by their grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing it's more about the way the ILs are approaching it. If they had said "We are retiring and it would mean the world to us if you guys could join us on a special vacation this summer to celebrate. We can afford to pay for food and the house, but we have to ask you guys to pay for your airfare and car. We appreciate you taking the time off work and doing this as your vacation this year!"

Instead, it sounds like they told everyone about the "gift" as though they are being generous and selfless, and have totally glossed over the financial and personal expenses that come with it. It's annoying and self centered. My MIL was like that. We just got better about saying no.

[phone]

Agree, though think OP needs to suck up b/c of the retirement hook. And also probably discuss with DH after the trip about how to handle going forward. There may, however, need to be a compromise if DH doesn't see it same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing it's more about the way the ILs are approaching it. If they had said "We are retiring and it would mean the world to us if you guys could join us on a special vacation this summer to celebrate. We can afford to pay for food and the house, but we have to ask you guys to pay for your airfare and car. We appreciate you taking the time off work and doing this as your vacation this year!"

Instead, it sounds like they told everyone about the "gift" as though they are being generous and selfless, and have totally glossed over the financial and personal expenses that come with it. It's annoying and self centered. My MIL was like that. We just got better about saying no.

[phone]

Agree, though think OP needs to suck up b/c of the retirement hook. And also probably discuss with DH after the trip about how to handle going forward. There may, however, need to be a compromise if DH doesn't see it same way.

did you read the op? op is sucking it up and going. the annoying part is the inlaws who are bragging about giving a gift when they aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, urgh, that's tough. Think some PPs have good suggestions on thinking of this as a "gift" to them and try to let go as much as possible. Lots of memories for your children and will be a blessing for them when their grandparents pass.

FWIW, my MIL does a variation of this - she dispenses gifts (money/jewelry) that her ILs left to give to her children and wants accolades of gratitude for bestowing them. The first time I witnessed this I was just flabbergasted and mentioned to DH. He had just assumed that's how families handled such things and later said it was odd. Yes, I think there should be gratitude. MIL's role, however, has really been the bank/safe and I just don't get why she thinks her kids should really go over the top in thanking her for the gift that had really been left to them by their grandparents.

UGH i have one of these in my family too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i hate stuff like this. i don't think OP is asking for a free flight handout. she's annoyed that she has to do a ton of work, and pay a lot of money, and her inlaws consider this a gift and credit themselves with the gift. that IS annoying. it should just be called what it is: an extended family group vacation.

OP here. BINGO! This PP has it right. In-laws want to pat themselves on the back for doing this amazing thing for us, when that is far from reality. I’m gojng on this trip bc I think it is the right thing to do for family harmony, but damn, I’m annoyed and needed to vent. Thanks for the commiseration!

Also, because it was a “gift,” you didn’t get any say in where you go or how you get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

To go some where they don’t want to go (and use up their only PTO) for their in-laws’ vanity project? I can, and my parents have never paid for our flights.

[Anonymous]

OP, my in-laws used to do the same. They would rent a (not nice) beach house for the summer and expect us all to come. We would buy food for our family and to cook one group dinner as well as alcohol for us, and a day and a half later, it would all be gone because no one else thought they needed to pay for ANY food or beverages. Without a fridge in our room (seriously, even if we bought a mini fridge how would we have enough space to hold all our own food for a week for four people?), we had no choice but to keep our food in the main kitchen. We even labeled it. Didn't matter. After three years of that (the first year we were horrified, the second year we tried to avoid the problems by planning ahead, the third year we tried even harder to plan ahead and make clear what everyone was doing and even made it clear during the week what was going to happen), we just said we were done doing the trip. Best decision ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are retiring and turning 70, so they’ve announced that they’re taking the whole family on a trip to celebrate. I’m not excited at all because the trip is a national park that I have to fly my family of 5 to and take a week of vacation time for. I also have to rent a car. In-laws are paying for the Airbnb and food only. I’d much rather go on the vacation I had planned to take this summer but now can’t go on bc I don’t have enough vacation time. I’m going on my in-laws’ trip bc that is the right thing to do, but I’m so annoyed that they think they’re treating me to some amazing gift when it’s really their own egos they’re treating.

Vent over.

I get that it’s not what you want to do and it’s nice of you for doing it any way because it’s the right thing to do. However, it’s his parents’s 70th and they are paying for part of it. You aren’t poor and would’ve gone somewhere else if not here, money is not coming out of your mortgage payment. People pay for their parents’s living, vacations, medical, travel etc. all the time. Go do it with a good spirit and some day your kids will honor you as well. That being said, we don’t know if there is more to it or not, if this is a trend to impose expenses and events then of course you are rightfully upset. No one should be forced to spend their vacation days and budget on trips they don’t want to go to. You should discuss it with your husband and come up with a polite way to say you prefer to vacation by yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

To go some where they don’t want to go (and use up their only PTO) for their in-laws’ vanity project? I can, and my parents have never paid for our flights.

it's a national park. These places are crazy busy in the summer, because lots of people like to go. Maybe the glass doesn't have to be half empty and it might be fun. The kids will probably love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

You missed the point.