Vent: “gift” of a trip that I don’t want and requires me to spend lots of money and time

[Anonymous]

If you are really dreading it then buy them a nice gift and give a sincere apology for not feeling up to this event. If you are annoyed but can handle it then do it as a gift to your husband, assuming he really wants to be a part of this memorable trip. One fair solution is for him to go there and for y’all to do a short vacation by yourselves as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, urgh, that's tough. Think some PPs have good suggestions on thinking of this as a "gift" to them and try to let go as much as possible. Lots of memories for your children and will be a blessing for them when their grandparents pass.

FWIW, my MIL does a variation of this - she dispenses gifts (money/jewelry) that her ILs left to give to her children and wants accolades of gratitude for bestowing them. The first time I witnessed this I was just flabbergasted and mentioned to DH. He had just assumed that's how families handled such things and later said it was odd. Yes, I think there should be gratitude. MIL's role, however, has really been the bank/safe and I just don't get why she thinks her kids should really go over the top in thanking her for the gift that had really been left to them by their grandparents.

I don’t understand the issue here. You’re upset because MIL wants gratitude for giving you family heirlooms? What?

I honestly don’t understand how some of you manage to move through the world if these are the things that offend you. This isn’t like OP’s problem AT ALL. OP is going to have to spend thousands of dollars on a trip she doesn’t want. You apparently have to say “thank you?” You poor thing.

[Anonymous]

You are all adults, you don’t need to do it if you’ll be miserable, just ask your husband to go and have a good time with his birth family.

[Anonymous]

Same situation here. Father in law wants us to join him on a trip to a third world country to celebrate his 75th. Tickets alone are $1500 pp and would require us to take 2 weeks off over Xmas. Out of the 2 weeks, he is has fully “booked” 8 days and has generously given us the remaining non travel days to do as he wishes.

DH will go along with it because of the heavy guilt trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, urgh, that's tough. Think some PPs have good suggestions on thinking of this as a "gift" to them and try to let go as much as possible. Lots of memories for your children and will be a blessing for them when their grandparents pass.

FWIW, my MIL does a variation of this - she dispenses gifts (money/jewelry) that her ILs left to give to her children and wants accolades of gratitude for bestowing them. The first time I witnessed this I was just flabbergasted and mentioned to DH. He had just assumed that's how families handled such things and later said it was odd. Yes, I think there should be gratitude. MIL's role, however, has really been the bank/safe and I just don't get why she thinks her kids should really go over the top in thanking her for the gift that had really been left to them by their grandparents.

That stuff was given by their parents to them, they could’ve sold it and used money. I guess being gracious won’t kill you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same situation here. Father in law wants us to join him on a trip to a third world country to celebrate his 75th. Tickets alone are $1500 pp and would require us to take 2 weeks off over Xmas. Out of the 2 weeks, he is has fully “booked” 8 days and has generously given us the remaining non travel days to do as he wishes.

DH will go along with it because of the heavy guilt trip.

How come it’s always husband’s side of parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same situation here. Father in law wants us to join him on a trip to a third world country to celebrate his 75th. Tickets alone are $1500 pp and would require us to take 2 weeks off over Xmas. Out of the 2 weeks, he is has fully “booked” 8 days and has generously given us the remaining non travel days to do as he wishes.

DH will go along with it because of the heavy guilt trip.

How come it’s always husband’s side of parents?

Because so many men are live up to the stereotypes and do not communicate well with their parents, are not direct and are afraid to hurt their mommy (or daddy)'s feelings. The stereotype exists for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same situation here. Father in law wants us to join him on a trip to a third world country to celebrate his 75th. Tickets alone are $1500 pp and would require us to take 2 weeks off over Xmas. Out of the 2 weeks, he is has fully “booked” 8 days and has generously given us the remaining non travel days to do as he wishes.

DH will go along with it because of the heavy guilt trip.

How come it’s always husband’s side of parents?

Because so many men are live up to the stereotypes and do not communicate well with their parents, are not direct and are afraid to hurt their mommy (or daddy)'s feelings. The stereotype exists for a reason.

Sure

[Anonymous]

They can Zoom spectacular views to you in your living room. Tell them no.

[Anonymous]

My in laws did this to us— “took” us on vacation and covered hotels while international airfare was on us. Oh and *just* us his married sisters were treated to everything. We have subsequently declined to travel with them except when it’s someplace we want to go and we invite *them* to join *us* at their expense if they want to. Much less resentment that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, urgh, that's tough. Think some PPs have good suggestions on thinking of this as a "gift" to them and try to let go as much as possible. Lots of memories for your children and will be a blessing for them when their grandparents pass.

FWIW, my MIL does a variation of this - she dispenses gifts (money/jewelry) that her ILs left to give to her children and wants accolades of gratitude for bestowing them. The first time I witnessed this I was just flabbergasted and mentioned to DH. He had just assumed that's how families handled such things and later said it was odd. Yes, I think there should be gratitude. MIL's role, however, has really been the bank/safe and I just don't get why she thinks her kids should really go over the top in thanking her for the gift that had really been left to them by their grandparents.

I don’t understand the issue here. You’re upset because MIL wants gratitude for giving you family heirlooms? What?

I honestly don’t understand how some of you manage to move through the world if these are the things that offend you. This isn’t like OP’s problem AT ALL. OP is going to have to spend thousands of dollars on a trip she doesn’t want. You apparently have to say “thank you?” You poor thing.

It's not me - I am not getting any of this - its DH and his siblings.

These are not heirlooms that have been, per se, passed from generation to generation. My siblings and I received a pocket watch, rings, etc that way so of course we were appreciative when our parents decided to pass them on to us after they had gotten their use. DH's grandparents, however, said "give them items/money at these dates if we are not here to do it." My MIL held the jewelry in her case and the money in the bank. That's it. As I said, DH and his siblings have said thanks, but she is rankled that they are not "more grateful" to her for dispersing them. That, to me, seems akin (not identical but similar) to OP's MIL who overestimates what she is providing for the vaca.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws did this to us— “took” us on vacation and covered hotels while international airfare was on us. Oh and *just* us his married sisters were treated to everything. We have subsequently declined to travel with them except when it’s someplace we want to go and we invite *them* to join *us* at their expense if they want to. Much less resentment that way.

How did that go down? What made them think that was a good approach?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, urgh, that's tough. Think some PPs have good suggestions on thinking of this as a "gift" to them and try to let go as much as possible. Lots of memories for your children and will be a blessing for them when their grandparents pass.

FWIW, my MIL does a variation of this - she dispenses gifts (money/jewelry) that her ILs left to give to her children and wants accolades of gratitude for bestowing them. The first time I witnessed this I was just flabbergasted and mentioned to DH. He had just assumed that's how families handled such things and later said it was odd. Yes, I think there should be gratitude. MIL's role, however, has really been the bank/safe and I just don't get why she thinks her kids should really go over the top in thanking her for the gift that had really been left to them by their grandparents.

That stuff was given by their parents to them, they could’ve sold it and used money. I guess being gracious won’t kill you.

First, it's not me. Second, of course they all said "wow," "thank you", and all that. Third, she had told them over the years that this would happen, so these are not surprises. Maybe you have to know my MIL but she is not really doing anything here than handing it on - it wasn't necessarily even her money, but from FIL's side of the family who had made a fair amount from real estate sales in the 1920s. She has spent down most of it over the last twenty years except for what was designated for her kids. FIL isn't demanding fealty for it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. BINGO! This PP has it right. In-laws want to pat themselves on the back for doing this amazing thing for us, when that is far from reality. I’m gojng on this trip bc I think it is the right thing to do for family harmony, but damn, I’m annoyed and needed to vent. Thanks for the commiseration!


I totally get it, OP. My FIL tried to rope us into a similar “gift” a few years ago for a European vacation, where he and my MIL where offering to pay for an Airbnb. My DH, our toddler at the time and I would have had to pay for all the other expenses and strictly follow my FIL’s rigid itinerary. We politely declined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same situation here. Father in law wants us to join him on a trip to a third world country to celebrate his 75th. Tickets alone are $1500 pp and would require us to take 2 weeks off over Xmas. Out of the 2 weeks, he is has fully “booked” 8 days and has generously given us the remaining non travel days to do as he wishes.

DH will go along with it because of the heavy guilt trip.

How come it’s always husband’s side of parents?

Because so many men are live up to the stereotypes and do not communicate well with their parents, are not direct and are afraid to hurt their mommy (or daddy)'s feelings. The stereotype exists for a reason.

Because men don’t read DCUM and Post about their in laws all day long that is why.