Dating for 4 months and he said "not ready" for relationship- I walked away, now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you exclusive? What do you mean by committed - eventual marriage? Hear him out as you may be on the same page. Four months really isn't that long.

OP: We just recently became exclusive. By committed, I just mean acting like boyfriend/girlfriend in a "real" relationship- not just dating. I was clear that I wasn't asking for marriage or anything like that.

I'm a woman and to be honest, I don't understand what you mean, or what you want. Did you want a key to his house? To be introduced to his parents? As long as he's not dating other people, what more did you want?

+1. I don't get what she wants either...and I am a woman, too.

I totally get what she wants. There is a difference where you are seeing someone regularly but you don't feel like it is gelling into something bigger. You aren't planning for the future, you still feel a little unsteady and unstable in the relationship. It can be hard to put your finger on what makes you feel that way exactly, but you're generally not wrong that there's something not quite there there if you do feel that way.

OP wants a real relationship. Now, she has a guy she's hanging out with and having s*x with. She told the guy what she wants, he told her he's not ready to give that to her. As others said, doesn't mean he's a bad guy - does mean that this isn't the right relationship at the right time.

My now-husband and I were in our late 30s when we got together and within a few months we'd met each other's parents and had adopted a cat together. We were in the same mental space, same readiness for something solid. It's part of why I married the guy - because there was none of this guessing whether he was going to call or if he was still maybe on the apps or whatever (not that apps existed when we got together).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a single (divorced) mid 40s woman and I also cannot understand what you want. You seem to have a lot of rules - but they’re vague. Like, from month 4 to month 12 you want him to be your “boyfriend” but he can’t meet your kids. So- you’re asking him to commit to you now but without knowing most of your life as he hasn’t met your children (and can’t for 8 mos because of another rule).

You seem very controlling- I’d walk too if someone came at me with all these rules

OP: I want an actual boyfriend who calls me to say hi and who says goodnight when free and who, when we spend the night, wants to hang out the next day if we’re both free.
Who isn’t still on dating apps and keeping their options open.
Who makes future plans and thinks of fun stuff to do together.

OP - these are totally normal things to want. I don't know why people on DCUM are so resistant to understanding normal human wants and needs.

I hope you find a good partner soon.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I think that married life is boring, and the kids are a ton of work - but then I read a thread like this and I am so glad I will never have to date again. I pity this poor guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a single (divorced) mid 40s woman and I also cannot understand what you want. You seem to have a lot of rules - but they’re vague. Like, from month 4 to month 12 you want him to be your “boyfriend” but he can’t meet your kids. So- you’re asking him to commit to you now but without knowing most of your life as he hasn’t met your children (and can’t for 8 mos because of another rule).

You seem very controlling- I’d walk too if someone came at me with all these rules

OP: I want an actual boyfriend who calls me to say hi and who says goodnight when free and who, when we spend the night, wants to hang out the next day if we’re both free.
Who isn’t still on dating apps and keeping their options open.
Who makes future plans and thinks of fun stuff to do together.

Perfect thank you! This isn’t your guy.

Ps- I don’t call anyone either. I’m a busy lady. I’d run if someone needed me to call them twice a day. Again- these are all the wrong things to focus on. That makes me think that YOU are the one who sounds clingy, needy, and in no way ready for a relationship. Why not become that person for yourself first, so you aren’t as needy when you do meet the right person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a single (divorced) mid 40s woman and I also cannot understand what you want. You seem to have a lot of rules - but they’re vague. Like, from month 4 to month 12 you want him to be your “boyfriend” but he can’t meet your kids. So- you’re asking him to commit to you now but without knowing most of your life as he hasn’t met your children (and can’t for 8 mos because of another rule).

You seem very controlling- I’d walk too if someone came at me with all these rules

OP: I want an actual boyfriend who calls me to say hi and who says goodnight when free and who, when we spend the night, wants to hang out the next day if we’re both free.
Who isn’t still on dating apps and keeping their options open.
Who makes future plans and thinks of fun stuff to do together.

Perfect thank you! This isn’t your guy.

Ps- I don’t call anyone either. I’m a busy lady. I’d run if someone needed me to call them twice a day. Again- these are all the wrong things to focus on. That makes me think that YOU are the one who sounds clingy, needy, and in no way ready for a relationship. Why not become that person for yourself first, so you aren’t as needy when you do meet the right person?

I, too, think OP sounds kinda needy. If they see each other 2-3 times a week I can't imagine there would be much need for (daily?) calls. Seems like you could do most of your talking when you're together in person since you see each other frequently.

The bolded would give me pause if it's true and makes me question whether they are actually exclusive. I guess unless he just hasn't bothered to delete his profiles but maybe you could just ask about that. You said he readily agreed to being exclusive so if that's true presumably he'd be willing to delete the dating profiles.

[Anonymous]

OMG. You sound like one of those women who pressured a man into marrying you the first time around, settled because you were on a timeline.

Chillax. 4 months is nothing. Why the rush? I assume at 42 you are done with having children. You are both divorced. Why are you rushing into something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG. You sound like one of those women who pressured a man into marrying you the first time around, settled because you were on a timeline.

Chillax. 4 months is nothing. Why the rush? I assume at 42 you are done with having children. You are both divorced. Why are you rushing into something?

Seriously. Much better to be strung along for years while you sleep repeatedly with someone who you don't trust not to be on dating apps while you're doing it.

Why know what you want and need, and free yourself to find it, when you could just "hang out" for all eternity with someone who doesn't want to make any plans more than a couple of days ahead?

[Anonymous]

You were right, hopd the line. He isn't worth your time.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the nasty posters. Please let us know how it turns out with him after your coffee!

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are hooking up exclusively with this guy. What it sounds like you want is someone to fall in love with you and vice versa. If that hasn't happened naturally, there is no way to force it. If he was really into you beyond the hook up, he would be calling, introducing, planning vacations. Men are pretty transparent when it comes to dating & love.

You should move on and find someone who is head over heels for you. You deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a single (divorced) mid 40s woman and I also cannot understand what you want. You seem to have a lot of rules - but they’re vague. Like, from month 4 to month 12 you want him to be your “boyfriend” but he can’t meet your kids. So- you’re asking him to commit to you now but without knowing most of your life as he hasn’t met your children (and can’t for 8 mos because of another rule).

You seem very controlling- I’d walk too if someone came at me with all these rules

OP: I want an actual boyfriend who calls me to say hi and who says goodnight when free and who, when we spend the night, wants to hang out the next day if we’re both free.
Who isn’t still on dating apps and keeping their options open.
Who makes future plans and thinks of fun stuff to do together.

These are reasonable desires

[Anonymous]

OP sounds reasonable, she told the guy she was moving on and yet he’s trying to keep her in this situationship. If he cared about her he’d let her go. Or, he’d make more of an effort to meet her halfway and make plans, act like a boyfriend etc. OP, if you two still are on different pages after this coffee meeting, just hold your ground and move on. BTDT; no sense in wasting your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a single (divorced) mid 40s woman and I also cannot understand what you want. You seem to have a lot of rules - but they’re vague. Like, from month 4 to month 12 you want him to be your “boyfriend” but he can’t meet your kids. So- you’re asking him to commit to you now but without knowing most of your life as he hasn’t met your children (and can’t for 8 mos because of another rule).

You seem very controlling- I’d walk too if someone came at me with all these rules

OP: I want an actual boyfriend who calls me to say hi and who says goodnight when free and who, when we spend the night, wants to hang out the next day if we’re both free.
Who isn’t still on dating apps and keeping their options open.
Who makes future plans and thinks of fun stuff to do together.

Perfect thank you! This isn’t your guy.

Ps- I don’t call anyone either. I’m a busy lady. I’d run if someone needed me to call them twice a day. Again- these are all the wrong things to focus on. That makes me think that YOU are the one who sounds clingy, needy, and in no way ready for a relationship. Why not become that person for yourself first, so you aren’t as needy when you do meet the right person?

It’s not unreasonable to want to talk on the phone everyday. This is actually one of the compatibility questions both eharmony and okcupid ask.

[Anonymous]

OP: Update- we had coffee this afternoon.

He started off by saying that he was taken off guard by our conversation about the relationship, and wanted to know "what happened". He also said he wasn't clear on what exactly I wanted. I was surprised because I thought I was very clear and pleasant about it, but I said I know he has been a boyfriend before; did he only ever text his girlfriend? Did he only ever make plans 2-3 days in advance and nothing in the future? I said I wasn't comfortable continuing in this "situationship" indefinitely and wanted the structure of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship at this point in order to focus on one person and allow the connection to deepen.

The whole time he was acting like he was clueless (how is that possible?), and was giving off a vibe that he would reluctantly agree (which wasn't appealing). I said I wanted someone who was 100pct in with me, and he said he was "80 percent" there. I said I've shared my heart, mind- he knows me at this point. He said "80 percent is pretty close to 100 percent."

I said I didn't really have anything else to say and wished him well, and left. It hurts...but at least I have the clarity I need now.

Honestly, he probably wouldn't have made a great boyfriend anyway.

[Anonymous]

Good for you OP.

I do think you’re a bit needy, but I also strongly suspect he’s a guy who was trying to preserve his situationship.

The 80% thing was to get you to keep going along with a plan that met his needs, but not yours.