Dating for 4 months and he said "not ready" for relationship- I walked away, now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would cancel this afternoon. What is the point. You want different things. You told him you would need to move on if he was not ready. Knowing that he said he was not ready. He is still viewing you as a maybe & that things "might" turn into a relationship.

Np I thin he wants rhe sex and will convince you that he maybe ready if you give him more time. I would just cancel if it were m

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

+ 1

If the relationship is amazing and you are clicking (and frankly both of you are 42 and divorced already - so not your first rodeo), and you want a "committed" Boyfriend-Girlfriend relationship BUT NOT MARRIAGE, then I don't think it is too much of an ask.

If he does not want to be in a committed relationship of a BF-GF type, then he wants to shop around and you are just a booty call. Truth be told - He is NOT INTO YOU and he does not want to solidify a relationship with you. He may still be looking for a hot, young girl who he can start a new family with. If he thought that he could not do better than you, he would basically not hesitate. He still is "single" and shopping.

OP, you are very smart and your instincts are right. You should walk. This man is not on the same life stage/biological stage as you.

OP: I agree. But what if today at coffee he says he thought about it and IS ready for a bf/gf relationship? Should I give it a chance?

Why not? What is there to lose.
Worst case scenario, it doesn't work out and you break up.
But if you don't even try, then you just break up now.

FWIW, I'm a woman and I REALLY don't see the rush if you aren' trying to get married or have kids. I don't think amazing relationships are so common that you can just walk away willy-nilly without giving it a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would cancel this afternoon. What is the point. You want different things. You told him you would need to move on if he was not ready. Knowing that he said he was not ready. He is still viewing you as a maybe & that things "might" turn into a relationship.

Np I thin he wants rhe sex and will convince you that he maybe ready if you give him more time. I would just cancel if it were m

OP: I want to hear him out, but if I won't agree to give more time if he says he isn't ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

+ 1

If the relationship is amazing and you are clicking (and frankly both of you are 42 and divorced already - so not your first rodeo), and you want a "committed" Boyfriend-Girlfriend relationship BUT NOT MARRIAGE, then I don't think it is too much of an ask.

If he does not want to be in a committed relationship of a BF-GF type, then he wants to shop around and you are just a booty call. Truth be told - He is NOT INTO YOU and he does not want to solidify a relationship with you. He may still be looking for a hot, young girl who he can start a new family with. If he thought that he could not do better than you, he would basically not hesitate. He still is "single" and shopping.

OP, you are very smart and your instincts are right. You should walk. This man is not on the same life stage/biological stage as you.

OP: I agree. But what if today at coffee he says he thought about it and IS ready for a bf/gf relationship? Should I give it a chance?

Why not? What is there to lose.
Worst case scenario, it doesn't work out and you break up.
But if you don't even try, then you just break up now.

FWIW, I'm a woman and I REALLY don't see the rush if you aren' trying to get married or have kids. I don't think amazing relationships are so common that you can just walk away willy-nilly without giving it a chance.

OP: I get that. I don't feel good though when I'm starting to develop feelings for someone and have no idea where we stand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? Does he?

Do you want kids?

If you go, try to listen more than talk. Make him do most of the talking. You want to know what he really feels. You don’t want him to just parrot what you say.

OP: I have kids. He does not. He told me he's indifferent about having his own kids; he's more interested in finding the right partner.

FYI. PP here. I man told me that last year after 7 months of dating. He told his family about me and then he broke up with me because a divorcee with kids was not acceptable. You should be talking about if this is going to be a problem (I did have that convo many times and he insisted it was not a problem...and then it was.) Just be warned about this possibility.

Interesting. How old are both of you? Is he from a different culture?

Both early 40s. Yes, he was from a different culture but insisted it did not matter...I hesitated dating for this reason and I thought I vetted it out because of my intense questioning about it early on. However, even people who are American could have a hard time if their families are traditional and don't want baggage for their son. When it came down to it, he would not integrate me into his exended family life because I was not "acceptable." Yes, he loved me. No, ultimately, it did not matter.

OP: that's really tough. Is he Indian? I ask because I have dated Indian men before and the divorce stigma is very real.

don't paint with a broad brush. My-now DH is Indian, and he was a divorced father of 2 when we met (I was divorce with one DC). I've met the larger community of Indian friends and his large extended family and there has been no issue or stigma of either of us being divorced/re-married to each other. Going on nearly 15 years together and we are both mid-50s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you exclusive? What do you mean by committed - eventual marriage? Hear him out as you may be on the same page. Four months really isn't that long.

OP: We just recently became exclusive. By committed, I just mean acting like boyfriend/girlfriend in a "real" relationship- not just dating. I was clear that I wasn't asking for marriage or anything like that.

I'm a woman and to be honest, I don't understand what you mean, or what you want. Did you want a key to his house? To be introduced to his parents? As long as he's not dating other people, what more did you want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you exclusive? What do you mean by committed - eventual marriage? Hear him out as you may be on the same page. Four months really isn't that long.

OP: We just recently became exclusive. By committed, I just mean acting like boyfriend/girlfriend in a "real" relationship- not just dating. I was clear that I wasn't asking for marriage or anything like that.

I'm a woman and to be honest, I don't understand what you mean, or what you want. Did you want a key to his house? To be introduced to his parents? As long as he's not dating other people, what more did you want?

+1. I don't get what she wants either...and I am a woman, too.

[Anonymous]

I’m a single (divorced) mid 40s woman and I also cannot understand what you want. You seem to have a lot of rules - but they’re vague. Like, from month 4 to month 12 you want him to be your “boyfriend” but he can’t meet your kids. So- you’re asking him to commit to you now but without knowing most of your life as he hasn’t met your children (and can’t for 8 mos because of another rule).

You seem very controlling- I’d walk too if someone came at me with all these rules

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you exclusive? What do you mean by committed - eventual marriage? Hear him out as you may be on the same page. Four months really isn't that long.

OP: We just recently became exclusive. By committed, I just mean acting like boyfriend/girlfriend in a "real" relationship- not just dating. I was clear that I wasn't asking for marriage or anything like that.

How are exclusive and committed not the same thing? Sounds like you’re being dramatic.

[Anonymous]

yada yada PPs.

OP let us know what happens. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a single (divorced) mid 40s woman and I also cannot understand what you want. You seem to have a lot of rules - but they’re vague. Like, from month 4 to month 12 you want him to be your “boyfriend” but he can’t meet your kids. So- you’re asking him to commit to you now but without knowing most of your life as he hasn’t met your children (and can’t for 8 mos because of another rule).

You seem very controlling- I’d walk too if someone came at me with all these rules

OP: I want an actual boyfriend who calls me to say hi and who says goodnight when free and who, when we spend the night, wants to hang out the next day if we’re both free.
Who isn’t still on dating apps and keeping their options open.
Who makes future plans and thinks of fun stuff to do together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you exclusive? What do you mean by committed - eventual marriage? Hear him out as you may be on the same page. Four months really isn't that long.

OP: We just recently became exclusive. By committed, I just mean acting like boyfriend/girlfriend in a "real" relationship- not just dating. I was clear that I wasn't asking for marriage or anything like that.

How are exclusive and committed not the same thing? Sounds like you’re being dramatic.

OP: a lot of guys nowadays think exclusive is just sexually exclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a single (divorced) mid 40s woman and I also cannot understand what you want. You seem to have a lot of rules - but they’re vague. Like, from month 4 to month 12 you want him to be your “boyfriend” but he can’t meet your kids. So- you’re asking him to commit to you now but without knowing most of your life as he hasn’t met your children (and can’t for 8 mos because of another rule).

You seem very controlling- I’d walk too if someone came at me with all these rules

OP: I want an actual boyfriend who calls me to say hi and who says goodnight when free and who, when we spend the night, wants to hang out the next day if we’re both free.
Who isn’t still on dating apps and keeping their options open.
Who makes future plans and thinks of fun stuff to do together.

Yeah that’s not him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you've already made a stain on this relationship. If I were him, I'd move on. I'm 39 years old and divorced. I don't commit after 4 months. I got out of an abusive marriage and realized I was dating the wrong people my whole life. I take things slow. Last year, I met someone recently divorced, but wanted an exclusive relationship right off the bat. I said that I wasn't willing to commit that quickly. That it's not a smart idea.

Four months is still brand new. At that stage, I would walk away from anyone who pressured me to commit. Even if we decided to stay together after the stunt you pulled, I'd date around until I found a better partner. You put out such a huge red flag. That you're unwilling to compromise and talk out major differences -- especially when it sounds like he would have come around quickly anyway. You're not great long term material for me.

4 months is brand new? I was exclusive with my DH after a month.

Honestly if someone is this hesitant to commit, they have baggage and I would walk. You’re the red flag. If after four months you have no clue about whether this is the person for you there are likely insurmountable trust issues, or you’re just not that into the person. Simple as that.

Exclusive doesn’t mean marry. It means give the relationship a chance to deepen via holding space for a lasting commitment. You can’t do that if you’re holding back and dating around.

Except OP and this guy were already exclusive. That's not the commitment she's talking about.

He obviously has intimacy and commitment issues. Can’t say goodnight? Doesn’t text? He’s holding himself back from getting closer. I don’t think this is the one for her. They are on different pages. I don’t blame OP for not wanting to spell out that she wants more interaction and closeness, after four months and you’re sleeping together exclusively.

[Anonymous]

Thinking that this entire discussion is a fake, frankly.