Flame Me: I don't think affairs are generally a big deal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Extramarital affairs have existed for as long as we have had the institution of marriage. Kings have affairs, Queens have affairs, janitors and wallmart workers have affairs. The best of us and the worst of us have affairs. My husband recently cheated on me and you know what surprised me more than any other emotion that came up at the time?

It wasn't about me. He was going through something and acting out by the way of having an affair was his maladjusted way of dealing with his demons. I know he never loved the girl or built a life with her. Of course the thought of it hurts me. But he is back and in the marriage. I know he never stopped loving me and I am it for him.

I imagine its true for situations surrounding most affairs.

I stayed. It is not a popular decision. People think it has something to do with my lack of respect for myself. Maybe? But I think I genuinely don't think his poor choices reflect on me. We are working it out.

Is it not possible to entertain the thought that our preoccupation with having extreme standards of monogamy are a little...unrealistic?

We are imperfect after all.

The problem with this type of thinking is that it excuses his selfishness and lack of respect for you. It's fine for him to realize he has inner struggles he needs to work on but an adult who truly loves and respects his partner would work them out with a therapist, not have sex with other people.

It's just not a good excuse.

[Anonymous]

OP, just out of curiosity, what would be your take if it happened again?

You'd be cool with it again? Or is it a one time only get-out-of-jail free card?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just out of curiosity, what would be your take if it happened again?

You'd be cool with it again? Or is it a one time only get-out-of-jail free card?

OP here. Oh, I will be out of here upon any behavior like that again. We are trying to build emotional and physical intimacy again with the expectation that we are in an exclusive monogamous relationship.Maybe I am being stupid but I am giving it another try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Extramarital affairs have existed for as long as we have had the institution of marriage. Kings have affairs, Queens have affairs, janitors and wallmart workers have affairs. The best of us and the worst of us have affairs. My husband recently cheated on me and you know what surprised me more than any other emotion that came up at the time?

It wasn't about me. He was going through something and acting out by the way of having an affair was his maladjusted way of dealing with his demons. I know he never loved the girl or built a life with her. Of course the thought of it hurts me. But he is back and in the marriage. I know he never stopped loving me and I am it for him.

I imagine its true for situations surrounding most affairs.

I stayed. It is not a popular decision. People think it has something to do with my lack of respect for myself. Maybe? But I think I genuinely don't think his poor choices reflect on me. We are working it out.

Is it not possible to entertain the thought that our preoccupation with having extreme standards of monogamy are a little...unrealistic?

We are imperfect after all.

The problem with this type of thinking is that it excuses his selfishness and lack of respect for you. It's fine for him to realize he has inner struggles he needs to work on but an adult who truly loves and respects his partner would work them out with a therapist, not have sex with other people.

It's just not a good excuse.

I understand that but I know I, too, have been disrespectful to him in words and other actions. Not excusing it but there are many forms of disrespect in a marriage, when it is bad. This is just one of it.

[Anonymous]

I think there are sooo many factors here. I've never cheated, and to my knowledge, I've never been cheated on (and I'm pretty confident in that), so I don't have any skin in the game.

But there are things I think I could get over, and things I couldn't.

Thinking about what the OP said, for example. If my husband was going through a really hard time, for a reason I could understand, and then was acting super weird for a month, and then tearfully confessed to an affair, it's actually difficult for me to imagine NOT getting past that (with time, effort from both sides, and therapy). Don't know if that was her situation, but could be.

If I found out my husband was living a double life, it had been going on for years, and I had no idea until he was caught - I honestly can't imaging staying.

The devil is in the details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just out of curiosity, what would be your take if it happened again?

You'd be cool with it again? Or is it a one time only get-out-of-jail free card?

OP here. Oh, I will be out of here upon any behavior like that again. We are trying to build emotional and physical intimacy again with the expectation that we are in an exclusive monogamous relationship.Maybe I am being stupid but I am giving it another try.

NP here. But...why? If it doesn’t bother you, why put yourself through a divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just out of curiosity, what would be your take if it happened again?

You'd be cool with it again? Or is it a one time only get-out-of-jail free card?

OP here. Oh, I will be out of here upon any behavior like that again. We are trying to build emotional and physical intimacy again with the expectation that we are in an exclusive monogamous relationship.Maybe I am being stupid but I am giving it another try.

Leave now before he leaves you for one of them. Eventually, he will be delusional enough to think he's fallen in love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just out of curiosity, what would be your take if it happened again?

You'd be cool with it again? Or is it a one time only get-out-of-jail free card?

OP here. Oh, I will be out of here upon any behavior like that again. We are trying to build emotional and physical intimacy again with the expectation that we are in an exclusive monogamous relationship.Maybe I am being stupid but I am giving it another try.

Leave now before he leaves you for one of them. Eventually, he will be delusional enough to think he's fallen in love.

My take, and backed by therapist, if they are forgiven readily and easily they will do it again.

The ones that hit true rock bottom, have an identity crisis and commit to HEAVY individual therapy (which may be an ongoing need for a long, long time) and couples therapy may change.

But, when a cheater sees they 'got away with it' and were only inconvenienced a minor amount temporarily---that's rug sweeping and they haven't changed. In fact, they just get more careful the next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are sooo many factors here. I've never cheated, and to my knowledge, I've never been cheated on (and I'm pretty confident in that), so I don't have any skin in the game.

But there are things I think I could get over, and things I couldn't.

Thinking about what the OP said, for example. If my husband was going through a really hard time, for a reason I could understand, and then was acting super weird for a month, and then tearfully confessed to an affair, it's actually difficult for me to imagine NOT getting past that (with time, effort from both sides, and therapy). Don't know if that was her situation, but could be.

If I found out my husband was living a double life, it had been going on for years, and I had no idea until he was caught - I honestly can't imaging staying.

The devil is in the details.

This exactly. There is cheating and their are years long affairs with professions of love. There are situations where someone who is sexually deprived is understandably if unethically seeking intimacy and ones where they are sleeping around despite a good sex life at home. And it all depends how the rest of the marriage is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Monogamy is a more challenging task for some people than for others. I think we can accept that as true, just as any other task is more challenging for some people than others.

The point is that a decent human being would either know themselves well enough not to commit to monogamy, or would end the ostensibly monogamous relationship if they found it was a bar they could not meet. It is 2020. If you want to be single, or poly, those are options that are open to you.

But lying and abusing your spouse just because you are struggling to live up to your promise of fidelity? That's a deal breaker right there.

But the reason some people have affairs isn't because they are having problems with monogamy, they are having problems and don't know how to cope. An affair is a source of a lot of really good feelings (the chemical high!) that allow them to avoid.

I don't have a problem with monogamy. I had problems with ME. And my issues spilled over into our marriage. And eventually they spilled over into me having an AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Marriage is long. The theory or idea of it is drastically different than the lived reality of it. Sometimes you go through a dark time and make bad choices.

Is marriage then, only for those who have easy lifes or no mental illnesses?

I am the OP. My husband and I were living a pretty sexless life for a few years because of me. I think because of that when I found out he was cheating, I wasn't surprised.

Oh no, no, no. You don't get to twist this around and go off on a different tangent. Change the title of your thread to - "DH with mental illness and hard life had affair but I am ok with it because of my own issues" if you want to vent and have sympathetic audience.

The marriage vows do say - ...for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part...etc.

A lot of people don't use the traditional marriage vows anymore. Almost no one whose wedding I went to did--we wrote our own. None of us are religious at all, though.

+1 Thank you! I don't think I've heard them at a wedding since the 80s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Monogamy is a more challenging task for some people than for others. I think we can accept that as true, just as any other task is more challenging for some people than others.

The point is that a decent human being would either know themselves well enough not to commit to monogamy, or would end the ostensibly monogamous relationship if they found it was a bar they could not meet. It is 2020. If you want to be single, or poly, those are options that are open to you.

But lying and abusing your spouse just because you are struggling to live up to your promise of fidelity? That's a deal breaker right there.

But the reason some people have affairs isn't because they are having problems with monogamy, they are having problems and don't know how to cope. An affair is a source of a lot of really good feelings (the chemical high!) that allow them to avoid.

I don't have a problem with monogamy. I had problems with ME. And my issues spilled over into our marriage. And eventually they spilled over into me having an AP.

You are just an unmitigated ass. Your wife if she did not leave you is a perfect asinine partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Marriage is long. The theory or idea of it is drastically different than the lived reality of it. Sometimes you go through a dark time and make bad choices.

Is marriage then, only for those who have easy lifes or no mental illnesses?

I am the OP. My husband and I were living a pretty sexless life for a few years because of me. I think because of that when I found out he was cheating, I wasn't surprised.

Oh no, no, no. You don't get to twist this around and go off on a different tangent. Change the title of your thread to - "DH with mental illness and hard life had affair but I am ok with it because of my own issues" if you want to vent and have sympathetic audience.

The marriage vows do say - ...for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part...etc.

A lot of people don't use the traditional marriage vows anymore. Almost no one whose wedding I went to did--we wrote our own. None of us are religious at all, though.

It is nothing to do with religion. A marriage is a bond based on trust. Even if you don't take vows the fact that you are getting married means that a certain societal, human and legal norms will be followed as far as fidelity is concerned. If you don't want to be monogamous you can divorce or not get married or have an open marriage. It is not rocket science. Animals don't have a marriage to produce children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Monogamy is a more challenging task for some people than for others. I think we can accept that as true, just as any other task is more challenging for some people than others.

The point is that a decent human being would either know themselves well enough not to commit to monogamy, or would end the ostensibly monogamous relationship if they found it was a bar they could not meet. It is 2020. If you want to be single, or poly, those are options that are open to you.

But lying and abusing your spouse just because you are struggling to live up to your promise of fidelity? That's a deal breaker right there.

But the reason some people have affairs isn't because they are having problems with monogamy, they are having problems and don't know how to cope. An affair is a source of a lot of really good feelings (the chemical high!) that allow them to avoid.

I don't have a problem with monogamy. I had problems with ME. And my issues spilled over into our marriage. And eventually they spilled over into me having an AP.

You are just an unmitigated ass. Your wife if she did not leave you is a perfect asinine partner.

I think you are talking to woman based on the style of writing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Marriage is long. The theory or idea of it is drastically different than the lived reality of it. Sometimes you go through a dark time and make bad choices.

Is marriage then, only for those who have easy lifes or no mental illnesses?

I am the OP. My husband and I were living a pretty sexless life for a few years because of me. I think because of that when I found out he was cheating, I wasn't surprised.

Oh no, no, no. You don't get to twist this around and go off on a different tangent. Change the title of your thread to - "DH with mental illness and hard life had affair but I am ok with it because of my own issues" if you want to vent and have sympathetic audience.

The marriage vows do say - ...for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part...etc.

A lot of people don't use the traditional marriage vows anymore. Almost no one whose wedding I went to did--we wrote our own. None of us are religious at all, though.

It is nothing to do with religion. A marriage is a bond based on trust. Even if you don't take vows the fact that you are getting married means that a certain societal, human and legal norms will be followed as far as fidelity is concerned. If you don't want to be monogamous you can divorce or not get married or have an open marriage. It is not rocket science. Animals don't have a marriage to produce children.