Flame Me: I don't think affairs are generally a big deal

[Anonymous]

But it sounds like no bid deal for the person having the affair. Right?

I know two couples who have marriages that survived affairs. From the outside looking in, I would never say it was not a big deal for them.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't feel the same way, OP, but I understand how you could feel that way. It sounds like you can separate the physical act of sex from love, and that's fine. Also sounds like you aren't a super jealous person; maybe the type of person who could be involved in an open marriage under certain conditions. That's cool; it's just not me. I'm glad you guys are working things out. One question is that I assume there was a certain amount of lying or deception on his part and I'm curious whether you find that problematic or whether you can accept that also? Part of me thinks that is almost as bad as the cheating itself.

[Anonymous]

Monogamy is a more challenging task for some people than for others. I think we can accept that as true, just as any other task is more challenging for some people than others.

The point is that a decent human being would either know themselves well enough not to commit to monogamy, or would end the ostensibly monogamous relationship if they found it was a bar they could not meet. It is 2020. If you want to be single, or poly, those are options that are open to you.

But lying and abusing your spouse just because you are struggling to live up to your promise of fidelity? That's a deal breaker right there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it not possible to entertain the thought that our preoccupation with having extreme standards of monogamy are a little...unrealistic?

The only reality is in the present and we all have our own realities.

The extreme standards of monogamy are unrealistic and no big deal to you in this present moment because you've dealt with it and gotten thru it.

I bet if I would have asked you about monogamy a few weeks after you first got married you wouldn't have called it extreme in that present moment.
I bet you would have considered an affair a big deal at that time in that present moment.

[Anonymous]

OP - you seem to be spoiling for a fight here, based on your title. Are you really as happy with your choices and your marriage as you'd like us to believe?

[Anonymous]

^ DP. I think affairs are a big deal no matter the year they happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you seem to be spoiling for a fight here, based on your title. Are you really as happy with your choices and your marriage as you'd like us to believe?

I really think it’s a cheater. Yes, looking for justification and a fight.

[Anonymous]

When a woman has an affair, it rips apart a man's confidence in the bedroom. When a man has an affair, she is concerned her man will fall in love with the other person. Generalizations? Perhaps but I have seen this in action. And these are not trivial matters.

Why can't people just be honest about their desires and swing? No secrets, no slinking around, only a realization that all of us are sexual animals. As long as rules are created and followed, what's the harm?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, and as a therapist, you don’t deal with the people who have gotten through it and have moved on.

I’m not the therapist, but this is ridiculous! Of course many people who are betrayed see therapists so that they can move on - you are suggesting that people move on by just sweeping the bad behavior under the rug. That’s hysterical and a recipe for repeated cheating episodes.

[Anonymous]

I'm not cool with someone choosing to put my health at risk, I value my health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Extramarital affairs have existed for as long as we have had the institution of marriage. Kings have affairs, Queens have affairs, janitors and wallmart workers have affairs. The best of us and the worst of us have affairs. My husband recently cheated on me and you know what surprised me more than any other emotion that came up at the time?

It wasn't about me. He was going through something and acting out by the way of having an affair was his maladjusted way of dealing with his demons. I know he never loved the girl or built a life with her. Of course the thought of it hurts me. But he is back and in the marriage. I know he never stopped loving me and I am it for him.

I imagine its true for situations surrounding most affairs.

I stayed. It is not a popular decision. People think it has something to do with my lack of respect for myself. Maybe? But I think I genuinely don't think his poor choices reflect on me. We are working it out.

Is it not possible to entertain the thought that our preoccupation with having extreme standards of monogamy are a little...unrealistic?

We are imperfect after all.

Just as you don't want to be judged for deciding this isn't a dealbreaker and staying, you should not be a hypocrite and judge others for deciding this isn't something they can live with in their relationship. Everyone has their dealbreakers and no one outside of the relationship gets to decide what those should look like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not cool with someone choosing to put my health at risk, I value my health.

It's criminal. To not tell a souse you are having unprotected sex with someone else. That's a dangerous, unforgivable lie.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on what kind of marriage you have. A lot of people have a more transactional kind of marriage (having children and a spouse's salary). DH and I were/are crazy in love. It would devastate either one of us and we'd be more upset with the emotional side of it versus the physical act of the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought the same until my husband had a 4-year affair at year 22, in a happy, sex-filled marriage.

It’s debilitating. I have mentally suffered. I have trauma. I have depression. I lost the ability to work, barely get through the work day. The nightmares don’t stop.

I had a happy childhood with parents happily married 55 years. I am a strong, educated woman with a career and very attractive.

The lies and secrets. The dishonesty.

If you value honesty and integrity, you will never be able to reconcile the actions.

In the abstract, it seems like no big deal. Nothing like reality.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Choosing to work it out after an affair is not the same as considering it not a big deal. I'd probably also want to work it out, if possible. But it'd still be a huge deal.

Not a big deal is when my husband gets me the wrong bagel at the bagel store.