Flame Me: I don't think affairs are generally a big deal

[Anonymous]

Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

I wish it could just roll off my back that easily. But admittedly, it cut me deeply. It rocked my entire world because I trusted my ex completely.

The constant lying and the fact that he put me physically at risk make it a very big deal for me.

[Anonymous]

I felt the same way about mistake/acting out affair, but the affair my ex actually had was falling in love with a grifter and leaving me with a young child.

[Anonymous]

I have never been a 'compartmentalizer'. I have worked at accepting the tensions of competing and conflicting ideas and values and have sought integration in all aspects of my life both personally and professionally. I value trust, loyalty, commitment, friendship and honesty and I have lived my life by these values. I have never compromised where these values are concerned. Now, I have the difficult task of integrating what my spouse did with what I thought happened and all of these values have been trodden on.

If you were raised in a household where lies were okay, where adults cheated, where parents turned a blind-eye, it might not be a big deal like it is for some that were taught that morality means telling the truth and not lying and mistreating those that love you. It is unclear how somebody could look into the face of someone they loved, outright lie and walk out the door to go have unprotected sex with someone outside of the marriage. All the while, never voicing any problem or concern with the marriage. In fact, just the opposite. Praising, loving, having sex with them. The duplicity and maladaptive behavior required to make this happen is something I could not get over...and neither could the cheater without SERIOUS, serious individual therapy. Rug sweeping and forgiving will not stop the person from doing it again, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought the same until my husband had a 4-year affair at year 22, in a happy, sex-filled marriage.

It’s debilitating. I have mentally suffered. I have trauma. I have depression. I lost the ability to work, barely get through the work day. The nightmares don’t stop.

I had a happy childhood with parents happily married 55 years. I am a strong, educated woman with a career and very attractive.

The lies and secrets. The dishonesty.

If you value honesty and integrity, you will never be able to reconcile the actions.

In the abstract, it seems like no big deal. Nothing like reality.

I am sorry you went through that.

But... OP isn't talking in the abstract? Her husband had an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Marriage is long. The theory or idea of it is drastically different than the lived reality of it. Sometimes you go through a dark time and make bad choices.

Is marriage then, only for those who have easy lifes or no mental illnesses?

I am the OP. My husband and I were living a pretty sexless life for a few years because of me. I think because of that when I found out he was cheating, I wasn't surprised.

[Anonymous]

OP, its your opinion. You are happy with your marriage, warts and all, then so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Marriage is long. The theory or idea of it is drastically different than the lived reality of it. Sometimes you go through a dark time and make bad choices.

Is marriage then, only for those who have easy lifes or no mental illnesses?

I am the OP. My husband and I were living a pretty sexless life for a few years because of me. I think because of that when I found out he was cheating, I wasn't surprised.

I think you are OP's husband!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Extramarital affairs have existed for as long as we have had the institution of marriage. Kings have affairs, Queens have affairs, janitors and wallmart workers have affairs. The best of us and the worst of us have affairs. My husband recently cheated on me and you know what surprised me more than any other emotion that came up at the time?

It wasn't about me. He was going through something and acting out by the way of having an affair was his maladjusted way of dealing with his demons. I know he never loved the girl or built a life with her. Of course the thought of it hurts me. But he is back and in the marriage. I know he never stopped loving me and I am it for him.

I imagine its true for situations surrounding most affairs.

I stayed. It is not a popular decision. People think it has something to do with my lack of respect for myself. Maybe? But I think I genuinely don't think his poor choices reflect on me. We are working it out.

Is it not possible to entertain the thought that our preoccupation with having extreme standards of monogamy are a little...unrealistic?

We are imperfect after all.

So how long have you been having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Marriage is long. The theory or idea of it is drastically different than the lived reality of it. Sometimes you go through a dark time and make bad choices.

Is marriage then, only for those who have easy lifes or no mental illnesses?

I am the OP. My husband and I were living a pretty sexless life for a few years because of me. I think because of that when I found out he was cheating, I wasn't surprised.

Well maybe that's why it's not big deal for you. You were not having sex. For those that had a good marriage and a great sex life, you can see why it would be a big deal---especially when they were having unprotected sex with somebody while having regular (multiple times per week) sex with the spouse. That's disgusting.

You weren't shocked because you were giving a 'sign', a sexless marriage. You may have even been the one denying sex and feel guilty and 'understand'. It's not the same for those not in your situation. Not at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Extramarital affairs have existed for as long as we have had the institution of marriage. Kings have affairs, Queens have affairs, janitors and wallmart workers have affairs. The best of us and the worst of us have affairs. My husband recently cheated on me and you know what surprised me more than any other emotion that came up at the time?

It wasn't about me. He was going through something and acting out by the way of having an affair was his maladjusted way of dealing with his demons. I know he never loved the girl or built a life with her. Of course the thought of it hurts me. But he is back and in the marriage. I know he never stopped loving me and I am it for him.

I imagine its true for situations surrounding most affairs.

I stayed. It is not a popular decision. People think it has something to do with my lack of respect for myself. Maybe? But I think I genuinely don't think his poor choices reflect on me. We are working it out.

Is it not possible to entertain the thought that our preoccupation with having extreme standards of monogamy are a little...unrealistic?

We are imperfect after all.

So how long have you been having an affair?

HA ! Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, its your opinion. You are happy with your marriage, warts and all, then so be it.

True dat
It’s not a crime to be forgiving and her happiness in spite of his transgressions isn’t hurting anyone.
Let her be.

[Anonymous]

I find people that never truly loved their spouse and 'settled' tend not to get emotional or care. They are there for the convenience and it's why they settled in the first place.

Those that had a deep passionate love and trust, it is crushing.

[Anonymous]

You’ll find that most people disagree with you, but if that’s your point of view then you need to find a partner who agrees with you. Then it wouldn’t be called an affair but an open marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m with you. It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me.