Flame Me: I don't think affairs are generally a big deal

[Anonymous]

Extramarital affairs have existed for as long as we have had the institution of marriage. Kings have affairs, Queens have affairs, janitors and wallmart workers have affairs. The best of us and the worst of us have affairs. My husband recently cheated on me and you know what surprised me more than any other emotion that came up at the time?

It wasn't about me. He was going through something and acting out by the way of having an affair was his maladjusted way of dealing with his demons. I know he never loved the girl or built a life with her. Of course the thought of it hurts me. But he is back and in the marriage. I know he never stopped loving me and I am it for him.

I imagine its true for situations surrounding most affairs.

I stayed. It is not a popular decision. People think it has something to do with my lack of respect for myself. Maybe? But I think I genuinely don't think his poor choices reflect on me. We are working it out.

Is it not possible to entertain the thought that our preoccupation with having extreme standards of monogamy are a little...unrealistic?

We are imperfect after all.

[Anonymous]

I agree

[Anonymous]

I thought the same until my husband had a 4-year affair at year 22, in a happy, sex-filled marriage.

It’s debilitating. I have mentally suffered. I have trauma. I have depression. I lost the ability to work, barely get through the work day. The nightmares don’t stop.

I had a happy childhood with parents happily married 55 years. I am a strong, educated woman with a career and very attractive.

The lies and secrets. The dishonesty.

If you value honesty and integrity, you will never be able to reconcile the actions.

In the abstract, it seems like no big deal. Nothing like reality.

[Anonymous]

As a therapist who works with the betrayed, there are life-long mental issues from betrayal in a marriage. It is serious.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 9:04. The abstract is very different than the reality, and elides all of the gaslighting and emotional abuse that are necessary to sustain an affair.

[Anonymous]

It's fine until they leave you for the AP. That doesn't always happen, but when it does, it's such a mindfck. Trust me, I'm going through it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought the same until my husband had a 4-year affair at year 22, in a happy, sex-filled marriage.

It’s debilitating. I have mentally suffered. I have trauma. I have depression. I lost the ability to work, barely get through the work day. The nightmares don’t stop.

I had a happy childhood with parents happily married 55 years. I am a strong, educated woman with a career and very attractive.

The lies and secrets. The dishonesty.

If you value honesty and integrity, you will never be able to reconcile the actions.

In the abstract, it seems like no big deal. Nothing like reality.

It eroded all trust and safety in the marriage. I could not look at him. I find it a huge character flaw- the lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 9:04. The abstract is very different than the reality, and elides all of the gaslighting and emotional abuse that are necessary to sustain an affair.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a therapist who works with the betrayed, there are life-long mental issues from betrayal in a marriage. It is serious.

Yeah, and as a therapist, you don’t deal with the people who have gotten through it and have moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 9:04. The abstract is very different than the reality, and elides all of the gaslighting and emotional abuse that are necessary to sustain an affair.

+100

I’m on medication. I never had any mental issues prior. I had to go on an anti-depressant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought the same until my husband had a 4-year affair at year 22, in a happy, sex-filled marriage.

It’s debilitating. I have mentally suffered. I have trauma. I have depression. I lost the ability to work, barely get through the work day. The nightmares don’t stop.

I had a happy childhood with parents happily married 55 years. I am a strong, educated woman with a career and very attractive.

The lies and secrets. The dishonesty.

If you value honesty and integrity, you will never be able to reconcile the actions.

In the abstract, it seems like no big deal. Nothing like reality.

It eroded all trust and safety in the marriage. I could not look at him. I find it a huge character flaw- the lying.

+1 it may indeed not be about me, but it's a huge character flaw and his behavior is a poor reflection of him. I could not respect him, and therefore, could not stay married to him.

Maybe some people don't care about fidelity as much others. *shrug* to each his/her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 9:04. The abstract is very different than the reality, and elides all of the gaslighting and emotional abuse that are necessary to sustain an affair.

+100

I’m on medication. I never had any mental issues prior. I had to go on an anti-depressant.

Anxiety. I had racing anxiety and needed medication to sleep at night. I lost 10 lbs in one month and looked anorexic after. I could not afford to lose weight. I was already a thin, fit person.

[Anonymous]

Humans need to trust in order to have healthy relationships. Affairs undermine trust in a fundamental way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought the same until my husband had a 4-year affair at year 22, in a happy, sex-filled marriage.

It’s debilitating. I have mentally suffered. I have trauma. I have depression. I lost the ability to work, barely get through the work day. The nightmares don’t stop.

I had a happy childhood with parents happily married 55 years. I am a strong, educated woman with a career and very attractive.

The lies and secrets. The dishonesty.

If you value honesty and integrity, you will never be able to reconcile the actions.

In the abstract, it seems like no big deal. Nothing like reality.

This. It’s the lies and dishonesty that ends it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Extramarital affairs have existed for as long as we have had the institution of marriage. Kings have affairs, Queens have affairs, janitors and wallmart workers have affairs. The best of us and the worst of us have affairs. My husband recently cheated on me and you know what surprised me more than any other emotion that came up at the time?

It wasn't about me. He was going through something and acting out by the way of having an affair was his maladjusted way of dealing with his demons. I know he never loved the girl or built a life with her. Of course the thought of it hurts me. But he is back and in the marriage. I know he never stopped loving me and I am it for him.

I imagine its true for situations surrounding most affairs.

I stayed. It is not a popular decision. People think it has something to do with my lack of respect for myself. Maybe? But I think I genuinely don't think his poor choices reflect on me. We are working it out.

Is it not possible to entertain the thought that our preoccupation with having extreme standards of monogamy are a little...unrealistic?

We are imperfect after all.

No one can say why you feel the way you feel. We do not know your history or your familial or emotional dysfunction. No judgement of why you stayed because many people do stay together even after adultery. Majority of emotionally healthy people will disagree with your statement. Affairs are a betrayal to the marriage and the family. It is a very big deal.

I do not know what stage of grief you are going through but I highly recommend therapy to you and your family.