Flame Me: I don't think affairs are generally a big deal

[Anonymous]

So you men who don’t want a divorce but think sex outside the marriage and lies are ok. Why shouldn’t your wife have the right to know the truth and decide whether she wants a divorce? Why do you get to lie and keep your wife around for the domestic and parenting duties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you men who don’t want a divorce but think sex outside the marriage and lies are ok. Why shouldn’t your wife have the right to know the truth and decide whether she wants a divorce? Why do you get to lie and keep your wife around for the domestic and parenting duties?

^^ Agreed. Declare the marriage open is the correct and honest solution to sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you men who don’t want a divorce but think sex outside the marriage and lies are ok. Why shouldn’t your wife have the right to know the truth and decide whether she wants a divorce? Why do you get to lie and keep your wife around for the domestic and parenting duties?

Because I want to see my kids everyday?

I look at it this way. It was her decision to stop having sex, not mine. I am not depriving her of anything she wants. If I get caught, she can decide whether to stay or leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ so then you would agree in a sex-filled marriage (3-5 times per week), affairs are a big f@cking deal, correct?

And, if you are deeply in love with your spouse, having good sex, the betrayal and lies are devastating. Period. OP doesn’t care because she wasn’t having sex anyways. Not the case for many others out there. The end all trust forever.

As long as you’re getting your, what do you care?

Oh come on. Stds, lies, betrayal, risk to family security/safety, finding out your married to someone with zero integrity and poor moral character....should I go on?

* you’re

The bolded. You are completely blindsided which is so disorienting. The cheater really is like a sociopath because he carried on loving, acting normal and having sex 3-4 times per week. The betrayal feels deeper because the marriage was good without resentment. So- how could you? It’s f@cked up that people in good marriages do cheat as Esther Perel and Shirley Glass both point out. There is a foundation that may make reconciliation possible since live is there, but forgiveness and trust is even harder in these instances.

Yes. In this scenario, affairs are a very big deal.

[Anonymous]

So it basically comes down to whether you have a good sex life with your spouse. Mine sucks and has for a while but the rest of the relationship is fine. Affairs make sense and I would understand if my spouse felt the same.

If I were the rare couple in our 40s and beyond still having a romantic and passionate marriage, I could see how an affair would sting. For the rest of us joyless peons, it's really not a big deal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: “Affair choices are usually far more neurotic than marriage choices. When one is chosen to be an affair partner, one should not feel complimented. The most important characteristic of such affairees is their immediate availability.” However, with adultery-OP- it would be wise to remember Woody Allen’s comment “The most expensive sex is free sex”.

Pretty accurate. Not too choosy online: where do you live, when can you meet, do you want nothing more than sex? Bingo! We found our affair partner (love of our life for a few months-year ).

It becomes a serious problem when one party reads much more into the relationship than the other. It's usually the woman doing this since they have a harder time separating just physical from emotional. Men have no problem saying anything a woman wants to hear to get between her legs.

I don't really think this is true. You can see it over and over on this forum. Men see physical intimacy and admiration as being more or less synonymous with love and emotional connection.

The reason men don't place as much importance on the relationship is because they are almost always more powerful than their AP.

Hahhaaa. Haaaaa. That’s funny. You know more than 99.9% of experts on infidelity.

The man is “more powerful”. Wtf? Sweetie, get back on the Internet and find a new “powerful” f@ck.

Men want to f@ck. Period. They want one dumb ho to talk them up so they can “feel” powerful. If he hasn’t left his wife for you, he doesn’t love you...and he’s really not that powerful. Just a liar.

How’d the std panel(s) treat you? Aww.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: “Affair choices are usually far more neurotic than marriage choices. When one is chosen to be an affair partner, one should not feel complimented. The most important characteristic of such affairees is their immediate availability.” However, with adultery-OP- it would be wise to remember Woody Allen’s comment “The most expensive sex is free sex”.

Pretty accurate. Not too choosy online: where do you live, when can you meet, do you want nothing more than sex? Bingo! We found our affair partner (love of our life for a few months-year ).

It becomes a serious problem when one party reads much more into the relationship than the other. It's usually the woman doing this since they have a harder time separating just physical from emotional. Men have no problem saying anything a woman wants to hear to get between her legs.

I don't really think this is true. You can see it over and over on this forum. Men see physical intimacy and admiration as being more or less synonymous with love and emotional connection.

The reason men don't place as much importance on the relationship is because they are almost always more powerful than their AP.

Hahhaaa. Haaaaa. That’s funny. You know more than 99.9% of experts on infidelity.

The man is “more powerful”. Wtf? Sweetie, get back on the Internet and find a new “powerful” f@ck.

Men want to f@ck. Period. They want one dumb ho to talk them up so they can “feel” powerful. If he hasn’t left his wife for you, he doesn’t love you...and he’s really not that powerful. Just a liar.

How’d the std panel(s) treat you? Aww.

I'm not married to a whore so my panel is clean. Seeing you have unprotected sex with many different strangers...you might want to get a proactive shot of penicillin and start acyclvoir.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: “Affair choices are usually far more neurotic than marriage choices. When one is chosen to be an affair partner, one should not feel complimented. The most important characteristic of such affairees is their immediate availability.” However, with adultery-OP- it would be wise to remember Woody Allen’s comment “The most expensive sex is free sex”.

Pretty accurate. Not too choosy online: where do you live, when can you meet, do you want nothing more than sex? Bingo! We found our affair partner (love of our life for a few months-year ).

It becomes a serious problem when one party reads much more into the relationship than the other. It's usually the woman doing this since they have a harder time separating just physical from emotional. Men have no problem saying anything a woman wants to hear to get between her legs.

I don't really think this is true. You can see it over and over on this forum. Men see physical intimacy and admiration as being more or less synonymous with love and emotional connection.

The reason men don't place as much importance on the relationship is because they are almost always more powerful than their AP.

Hahhaaa. Haaaaa. That’s funny. You know more than 99.9% of experts on infidelity.

The man is “more powerful”. Wtf? Sweetie, get back on the Internet and find a new “powerful” f@ck.

Men want to f@ck. Period. They want one dumb ho to talk them up so they can “feel” powerful. If he hasn’t left his wife for you, he doesn’t love you...and he’s really not that powerful. Just a liar.

How’d the std panel(s) treat you? Aww.

I'm not married to a whore so my panel is clean. Seeing you have unprotected sex with many different strangers...you might want to get a proactive shot of penicillin and start acyclvoir.

You poor, bitter turd. You’ve felt multiple burns on many levels. Po ting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So it basically comes down to whether you have a good sex life with your spouse. Mine sucks and has for a while but the rest of the relationship is fine. Affairs make sense and I would understand if my spouse felt the same.

If I were the rare couple in our 40s and beyond still having a romantic and passionate marriage, I could see how an affair would sting. For the rest of us joyless peons, it's really not a big deal

The second scenario is really not rare. Only on this board of miserable souls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you men who don’t want a divorce but think sex outside the marriage and lies are ok. Why shouldn’t your wife have the right to know the truth and decide whether she wants a divorce? Why do you get to lie and keep your wife around for the domestic and parenting duties?

Because I want to see my kids everyday?

I look at it this way. It was her decision to stop having sex, not mine. I am not depriving her of anything she wants. If I get caught, she can decide whether to stay or leave.

I tried to explain that in another post that ran for over 40 pages. It falls on deaf ears with most of these harpies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you men who don’t want a divorce but think sex outside the marriage and lies are ok. Why shouldn’t your wife have the right to know the truth and decide whether she wants a divorce? Why do you get to lie and keep your wife around for the domestic and parenting duties?

Because I want to see my kids everyday?

I look at it this way. It was her decision to stop having sex, not mine. I am not depriving her of anything she wants. If I get caught, she can decide whether to stay or leave.

I mean, you already know she would ditch you in a hot second if she found out. Otherwise you wouldn’t be worried about seeing your kids.

And you already know the sex stopped because you’re comfortable and convenient but she just doesn’t love you that much anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you men who don’t want a divorce but think sex outside the marriage and lies are ok. Why shouldn’t your wife have the right to know the truth and decide whether she wants a divorce? Why do you get to lie and keep your wife around for the domestic and parenting duties?

Because I want to see my kids everyday?

I look at it this way. It was her decision to stop having sex, not mine. I am not depriving her of anything she wants. If I get caught, she can decide whether to stay or leave.

I mean, you already know she would ditch you in a hot second if she found out. Otherwise you wouldn’t be worried about seeing your kids.

And you already know the sex stopped because you’re comfortable and convenient but she just doesn’t love you that much anymore.

So what if she “ditches” him? A sexless platonic room mate wife is not a loss. The loss is going from 100% with kids to 50/50 standard custody.

By the way, it’s not like he has any other legit options. I man needs sex, she doesn’t want it. His affair is the only solution to save their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a therapist who works with the betrayed, there are life-long mental issues from betrayal in a marriage. It is serious.

Yeah, and as a therapist, you don’t deal with the people who have gotten through it and have moved on.

This.

People are individuals. Individuals have different situations. And different feelings. And different priorities. Etc.

A meaningless fling isn’t the same as a long term romance.

Kudos to the OP for finding the strength to forgive and move forward. It’s likely the best decision financially at the very least...and potentially the best decision emotionally.

I’ve never cheated, and don’t think I have the morals that would allow me to cheat. Ditto for my husband. We’re the kind of people who crave monogamy and prioritize our family above all else. But if he cheated, I would do my best to move past it for the sake of my family and my own economic security and emotional needs. But that obviously wouldn’t be possible if my husband fell in love with someone else.

[Anonymous]

I would have been devastated by an affair early in a marriage. After 20 years....I get it. Not saying it's right but I get the temptation.

So long as no professions of love, I can forgive but I would rather never find out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have been devastated by an affair early in a marriage. After 20 years....I get it. Not saying it's right but I get the temptation.

So long as no professions of love, I can forgive but I would rather never find out

If this is your perspective, which seems pretty generous and mature, may I ask why a “profession of love” changes things?