Flame Me: I don't think affairs are generally a big deal

[Anonymous]

I could excuse a one-time drunken fling. Not a long-term affair unless we had both basically checked out of the marriage equally, and then decided to recommit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Marriage is long. The theory or idea of it is drastically different than the lived reality of it. Sometimes you go through a dark time and make bad choices.

Is marriage then, only for those who have easy lifes or no mental illnesses?

I am the OP. My husband and I were living a pretty sexless life for a few years because of me. I think because of that when I found out he was cheating, I wasn't surprised.

Well maybe that's why it's not big deal for you. You were not having sex. For those that had a good marriage and a great sex life, you can see why it would be a big deal---especially when they were having unprotected sex with somebody while having regular (multiple times per week) sex with the spouse. That's disgusting.

You weren't shocked because you were giving a 'sign', a sexless marriage. You may have even been the one denying sex and feel guilty and 'understand'. It's not the same for those not in your situation. Not at all.

OP here. I do feel guilty for withholding sex. And he patiently waited a long time. We had other issues as well and there was resentment on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Marriage is long. The theory or idea of it is drastically different than the lived reality of it. Sometimes you go through a dark time and make bad choices.

Is marriage then, only for those who have easy lifes or no mental illnesses?

I am the OP. My husband and I were living a pretty sexless life for a few years because of me. I think because of that when I found out he was cheating, I wasn't surprised.

Well maybe that's why it's not big deal for you. You were not having sex. For those that had a good marriage and a great sex life, you can see why it would be a big deal---especially when they were having unprotected sex with somebody while having regular (multiple times per week) sex with the spouse. That's disgusting.

You weren't shocked because you were giving a 'sign', a sexless marriage. You may have even been the one denying sex and feel guilty and 'understand'. It's not the same for those not in your situation. Not at all.

OP here. I do feel guilty for withholding sex. And he patiently waited a long time. We had other issues as well and there was resentment on both sides.

Then, you shouldn't judge others that have no reason to feel guilty and zero part in their partner's affair. You can't judge people based on YOUR OWN circumstances.

It's a BFD to those with a healthy marriage and sex life to blindsided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Extramarital affairs have existed for as long as we have had the institution of marriage. Kings have affairs, Queens have affairs, janitors and wallmart workers have affairs. The best of us and the worst of us have affairs. My husband recently cheated on me and you know what surprised me more than any other emotion that came up at the time?

It wasn't about me. He was going through something and acting out by the way of having an affair was his maladjusted way of dealing with his demons. I know he never loved the girl or built a life with her. Of course the thought of it hurts me. But he is back and in the marriage. I know he never stopped loving me and I am it for him.

I imagine its true for situations surrounding most affairs.

I stayed. It is not a popular decision. People think it has something to do with my lack of respect for myself. Maybe? But I think I genuinely don't think his poor choices reflect on me. We are working it out.

Is it not possible to entertain the thought that our preoccupation with having extreme standards of monogamy are a little...unrealistic?

We are imperfect after all.

Hope she wasn't underage! Look, affairs are disrespectful to you but, if you are ok with it fine by me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Marriage is long. The theory or idea of it is drastically different than the lived reality of it. Sometimes you go through a dark time and make bad choices.

Is marriage then, only for those who have easy lifes or no mental illnesses?

I am the OP. My husband and I were living a pretty sexless life for a few years because of me. I think because of that when I found out he was cheating, I wasn't surprised.

Well maybe that's why it's not big deal for you. You were not having sex. For those that had a good marriage and a great sex life, you can see why it would be a big deal---especially when they were having unprotected sex with somebody while having regular (multiple times per week) sex with the spouse. That's disgusting.

You weren't shocked because you were giving a 'sign', a sexless marriage. You may have even been the one denying sex and feel guilty and 'understand'. It's not the same for those not in your situation. Not at all.

OP here. I do feel guilty for withholding sex. And he patiently waited a long time. We had other issues as well and there was resentment on both sides.

So what makes you qualified to be the judge of everyone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Here is the thing, there are lies and dishonesty in every marriage. It is all on a spectrum. I would have a harder time dealing if my partner decided to blow our savings and lie about that, or if my partner was an emotionally absent parent. That would make me feel my survival or child's survival was in jeopardy. Everyone has their priorities, and the areas that they can be more forgiving in, based on their values and personal needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Extramarital affairs have existed for as long as we have had the institution of marriage. Kings have affairs, Queens have affairs, janitors and wallmart workers have affairs. The best of us and the worst of us have affairs. My husband recently cheated on me and you know what surprised me more than any other emotion that came up at the time?

It wasn't about me. He was going through something and acting out by the way of having an affair was his maladjusted way of dealing with his demons. I know he never loved the girl or built a life with her. Of course the thought of it hurts me. But he is back and in the marriage. I know he never stopped loving me and I am it for him.

I imagine its true for situations surrounding most affairs.

I stayed. It is not a popular decision. People think it has something to do with my lack of respect for myself. Maybe? But I think I genuinely don't think his poor choices reflect on me. We are working it out.

Is it not possible to entertain the thought that our preoccupation with having extreme standards of monogamy are a little...unrealistic?

We are imperfect after all.

So how long have you been having an affair?

HA ! Exactly.

You really can't imagine that this person feels very differently than you would about the fact that her husband had an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Marriage is long. The theory or idea of it is drastically different than the lived reality of it. Sometimes you go through a dark time and make bad choices.

Is marriage then, only for those who have easy lifes or no mental illnesses?

I am the OP. My husband and I were living a pretty sexless life for a few years because of me. I think because of that when I found out he was cheating, I wasn't surprised.

Well maybe that's why it's not big deal for you. You were not having sex. For those that had a good marriage and a great sex life, you can see why it would be a big deal---especially when they were having unprotected sex with somebody while having regular (multiple times per week) sex with the spouse. That's disgusting.

You weren't shocked because you were giving a 'sign', a sexless marriage. You may have even been the one denying sex and feel guilty and 'understand'. It's not the same for those not in your situation. Not at all.

OP here. I do feel guilty for withholding sex. And he patiently waited a long time. We had other issues as well and there was resentment on both sides.

Then, you shouldn't judge others that have no reason to feel guilty and zero part in their partner's affair. You can't judge people based on YOUR OWN circumstances.

It's a BFD to those with a healthy marriage and sex life to blindsided.

People in happy marriages do commit adultery. Opportunity, the thought that it is just harmless fun, a bit of extra fiz, the belief that it can be done without any negative effect in the marriage. If you are in a marriage that sucks I doubt that you’d be shocked by the knowledge that your spouse has strayed. However, it’s when you think you have a fairy-tale marriage that the shock knocks you off your life’s orbit! This is the naivety of what marriage is and the ignorance of adultery’s destruction!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Extramarital affairs have existed for as long as we have had the institution of marriage. Kings have affairs, Queens have affairs, janitors and wallmart workers have affairs. The best of us and the worst of us have affairs. My husband recently cheated on me and you know what surprised me more than any other emotion that came up at the time?

It wasn't about me. He was going through something and acting out by the way of having an affair was his maladjusted way of dealing with his demons. I know he never loved the girl or built a life with her. Of course the thought of it hurts me. But he is back and in the marriage. I know he never stopped loving me and I am it for him.

I imagine its true for situations surrounding most affairs.

I stayed. It is not a popular decision. People think it has something to do with my lack of respect for myself. Maybe? But I think I genuinely don't think his poor choices reflect on me. We are working it out.

Is it not possible to entertain the thought that our preoccupation with having extreme standards of monogamy are a little...unrealistic?

We are imperfect after all.

I’m glad you were able to work through it.

My view on monogamy is that, just like virtually everything in a marriage, people need to do what works for them. For some, an affair is a 100% dealbreaker. For others, it’s simply not.

It’s presumptuous for anyone to think they can apply their standards to everyone else. I’ve been married for 6.5 years and think I’d be devastated if DH strayed. I can’t imagine myself straying. But as my mom said, when you’re decades into a marriage, sometimes you end up responding to things differently than you thought. So who knows?

[Anonymous]

Having not read all the replies, I generally agree with you OP. At least for me, sexual infidelity is not that high on the list of worst things my spouse can do to me.

Also, I don't think society cares as much as people think. Look at Donald Trump, the king of infidelity, along with his pal Newt Gingrich, are the paragon of cheating and they are the standard bearers for the supposed party of morals.

That being said, affairs can be brutal to those going through it, and I don't mean to minimize the individual aspect of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Marriage is long. The theory or idea of it is drastically different than the lived reality of it. Sometimes you go through a dark time and make bad choices.

Is marriage then, only for those who have easy lifes or no mental illnesses?

I am the OP. My husband and I were living a pretty sexless life for a few years because of me. I think because of that when I found out he was cheating, I wasn't surprised.

Well maybe that's why it's not big deal for you. You were not having sex. For those that had a good marriage and a great sex life, you can see why it would be a big deal---especially when they were having unprotected sex with somebody while having regular (multiple times per week) sex with the spouse. That's disgusting.

You weren't shocked because you were giving a 'sign', a sexless marriage. You may have even been the one denying sex and feel guilty and 'understand'. It's not the same for those not in your situation. Not at all.

OP here. I do feel guilty for withholding sex. And he patiently waited a long time. We had other issues as well and there was resentment on both sides.

Then, you shouldn't judge others that have no reason to feel guilty and zero part in their partner's affair. You can't judge people based on YOUR OWN circumstances.

It's a BFD to those with a healthy marriage and sex life to blindsided.

People in happy marriages do commit adultery. Opportunity, the thought that it is just harmless fun, a bit of extra fiz, the belief that it can be done without any negative effect in the marriage. If you are in a marriage that sucks I doubt that you’d be shocked by the knowledge that your spouse has strayed. However, it’s when you think you have a fairy-tale marriage that the shock knocks you off your life’s orbit! This is the naivety of what marriage is and the ignorance of adultery’s destruction!

This. People in unhappy marriages aren't shocked and mind-blown. It is very disorienting when it is a very happy, sex-filled marriage and great family life. Then, you are left with the shit sandwich decision of weighing staying to keep the kids stable while losing all self-respect and respect for your spouse. They do an awful, awful thing and leave you with two horrible options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Here is the thing, there are lies and dishonesty in every marriage. It is all on a spectrum. I would have a harder time dealing if my partner decided to blow our savings and lie about that, or if my partner was an emotionally absent parent. That would make me feel my survival or child's survival was in jeopardy. Everyone has their priorities, and the areas that they can be more forgiving in, based on their values and personal needs.

I respect your thought process here, but the thing is that the vast majority of infidelity includes both financial dishonesty and emotional absence. It is very hard to carry on an affair without financial dishonesty, and time spent with the AP is pretty much always time that could have been spent engaging with the family.

[Anonymous]

In a 2013 article in The Guardian, Tim Lott, a British author suggested that people are maybe “over” adultery in their real – as opposed to cultural – lives. He suggests that because adultery still happens regularly enough on television, and in drama and literature, it is rarely the central trope of a single piece of artistic endeavor. I wonder how many people share his view. Maybe not for the same reasons but because the nitty gritty destruction that adultery creates is continuously obscured.

I am convinced that adultery destroys everyone involved in one way or another. I know my own devastation as the betrayed spouse and I am watching in a ring side seat the devastation that it has wrought upon my husband, even three years post D-day. Betraying me was one thing but ultimately he betrayed himself. He wants to be honest and sincere but his idea of himself and his reality do not meet. This is a bit of a psychological unraveling.

How can the correct messages about adultery be transmitted? Ashley Madison’s trite message that life is short, so have an affair, sums up casually the totally naive and cavalier attitude that drip feeds the fantasy rather than the misery of adultery. The truth is, adultery can and does lead to murder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a 2013 article in The Guardian, Tim Lott, a British author suggested that people are maybe “over” adultery in their real – as opposed to cultural – lives. He suggests that because adultery still happens regularly enough on television, and in drama and literature, it is rarely the central trope of a single piece of artistic endeavor. I wonder how many people share his view. Maybe not for the same reasons but because the nitty gritty destruction that adultery creates is continuously obscured.

I am convinced that adultery destroys everyone involved in one way or another. I know my own devastation as the betrayed spouse and I am watching in a ring side seat the devastation that it has wrought upon my husband, even three years post D-day. Betraying me was one thing but ultimately he betrayed himself. He wants to be honest and sincere but his idea of himself and his reality do not meet. This is a bit of a psychological unraveling.

How can the correct messages about adultery be transmitted? Ashley Madison’s trite message that life is short, so have an affair, sums up casually the totally naive and cavalier attitude that drip feeds the fantasy rather than the misery of adultery. The truth is, adultery can and does lead to murder.

OP here. I think my husband cheating devastated him more than it did me. I know my flaws and my faults and shortcomings as a wife but I did not do something immoral or cross a line. He did something he knows is heinous and he will have to live with that knowledge about himself for the rest of his life.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised people care about affairs. I don't care enough about him to care. I'm not living, I'm just existing in this relationship and can't wait for him to go away or have an affair or both at the same time.