Flame Me: I don't think affairs are generally a big deal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: “Affair choices are usually far more neurotic than marriage choices. When one is chosen to be an affair partner, one should not feel complimented. The most important characteristic of such affairees is their immediate availability.” However, with adultery-OP- it would be wise to remember Woody Allen’s comment “The most expensive sex is free sex”.

Pretty accurate. Not too choosy online: where do you live, when can you meet, do you want nothing more than sex? Bingo! We found our affair partner (love of our life for a few months-year ).

It becomes a serious problem when one party reads much more into the relationship than the other. It's usually the woman doing this since they have a harder time separating just physical from emotional. Men have no problem saying anything a woman wants to hear to get between her legs.

I don't really think this is true. You can see it over and over on this forum. Men see physical intimacy and admiration as being more or less synonymous with love and emotional connection.

The reason men don't place as much importance on the relationship is because they are almost always more powerful than their AP.

Hahhaaa. Haaaaa. That’s funny. You know more than 99.9% of experts on infidelity.

The man is “more powerful”. Wtf? Sweetie, get back on the Internet and find a new “powerful” f@ck.

Men want to f@ck. Period. They want one dumb ho to talk them up so they can “feel” powerful. If he hasn’t left his wife for you, he doesn’t love you...and he’s really not that powerful. Just a liar.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I also don’t understand. It’s impossible to be attracted and in love for twenty years. Everyone needs novelty. If you don’t get what you need at home you go out. And then it’s a choice of the other partner whether to accept it or leave.
The only problem is divorce. That’s why people should just be discreet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I also don’t understand. It’s impossible to be attracted and in love for twenty years. Everyone needs novelty. If you don’t get what you need at home you go out. And then it’s a choice of the other partner whether to accept it or leave.
The only problem is divorce. That’s why people should just be discreet.

Really? Maybe you just married the wrong person. My husband and I have been together 24 years and have sex almost everyday of the week. I can't walk by him in yoga pants or tight jeans without him trying to bend me over....and I feel the same when I see him get out of the shower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: “Affair choices are usually far more neurotic than marriage choices. When one is chosen to be an affair partner, one should not feel complimented. The most important characteristic of such affairees is their immediate availability.” However, with adultery-OP- it would be wise to remember Woody Allen’s comment “The most expensive sex is free sex”.

Pretty accurate. Not too choosy online: where do you live, when can you meet, do you want nothing more than sex? Bingo! We found our affair partner (love of our life for a few months-year ).

It becomes a serious problem when one party reads much more into the relationship than the other. It's usually the woman doing this since they have a harder time separating just physical from emotional. Men have no problem saying anything a woman wants to hear to get between her legs.

I don't really think this is true. You can see it over and over on this forum. Men see physical intimacy and admiration as being more or less synonymous with love and emotional connection.

The reason men don't place as much importance on the relationship is because they are almost always more powerful than their AP.

Hahhaaa. Haaaaa. That’s funny. You know more than 99.9% of experts on infidelity.

The man is “more powerful”. Wtf? Sweetie, get back on the Internet and find a new “powerful” f@ck.

Men want to f@ck. Period. They want one dumb ho to talk them up so they can “feel” powerful. If he hasn’t left his wife for you, he doesn’t love you...and he’s really not that powerful. Just a liar.

I don't know. Maybe some of those experts should talk to actual men.
If you look through the responses on sexless marriages, many, many men chime in and say that they do not feel emotionally close with their wives when they are not having sex, and feel that there is a very strong connection between love and sex.

I actually think that women can disengage and compartmentalize sex much more easily than men can.

[Anonymous]

OP you don't sound that into your husband--perhaps that's why you don't care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you don't sound that into your husband--perhaps that's why you don't care?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Marriage is long. The theory or idea of it is drastically different than the lived reality of it. Sometimes you go through a dark time and make bad choices.

Is marriage then, only for those who have easy lifes or no mental illnesses?

I am the OP. My husband and I were living a pretty sexless life for a few years because of me. I think because of that when I found out he was cheating, I wasn't surprised.

Living a "pretty sexless life" is a decision that sex is unimportant. Given that, it can be no big deal when he does that unimportant thing elsewhere.
You ought not be surprised at all. In fact you should expect it and be grateful that his affair is avoiding the divorce you haven't filed / don't want.

Dude, please stop posting. We hear you. We've heard you. This is how you see marriage. It is not everyone's or even a majority opinion. Stop.

Um, read the title. OP and every other sane/reasonable poster here is saying the same thing. In a sexless marriage, affairs are not a big deal.
You not liking this viewpoint in no way changes the fact this absolutely is the majority viewpoint among men, and plenty of sane women too.
Make you a deal: stop all the threads/posts how "sex is unimportant, but AFFAIRS are divorce worthy" and you won't here this opposing viewpoint.

[Anonymous]

^ so then you would agree in a sex-filled marriage (3-5 times per week), affairs are a big f@cking deal, correct?

And, if you are deeply in love with your spouse, having good sex, the betrayal and lies are devastating. Period. OP doesn’t care because she wasn’t having sex anyways. Not the case for many others out there. The end all trust forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ so then you would agree in a sex-filled marriage (3-5 times per week), affairs are a big f@cking deal, correct?

And, if you are deeply in love with your spouse, having good sex, the betrayal and lies are devastating. Period. OP doesn’t care because she wasn’t having sex anyways. Not the case for many others out there. The end all trust forever.

Yes I would agree. But there aren’t too many marriages having sex 5X per week and an infinitesimally small fraction of those with an affair.
Aside from that, Yes this would be a big deal (if it’s ever really happened).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ so then you would agree in a sex-filled marriage (3-5 times per week), affairs are a big f@cking deal, correct?

And, if you are deeply in love with your spouse, having good sex, the betrayal and lies are devastating. Period. OP doesn’t care because she wasn’t having sex anyways. Not the case for many others out there. The end all trust forever.

As long as you’re getting your, what do you care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ so then you would agree in a sex-filled marriage (3-5 times per week), affairs are a big f@cking deal, correct?

And, if you are deeply in love with your spouse, having good sex, the betrayal and lies are devastating. Period. OP doesn’t care because she wasn’t having sex anyways. Not the case for many others out there. The end all trust forever.

New poster here, and I agree with both of you. Lost marriages after a decade or two settle into platonic teams working towards common parenting and economic goals. So sex with someone else is understandable.

I get that some small percentage still have sex 3x a week or more and cheating would seem worse in those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ so then you would agree in a sex-filled marriage (3-5 times per week), affairs are a big f@cking deal, correct?

And, if you are deeply in love with your spouse, having good sex, the betrayal and lies are devastating. Period. OP doesn’t care because she wasn’t having sex anyways. Not the case for many others out there. The end all trust forever.

As long as you’re getting your, what do you care?

Oh come on. Stds, lies, betrayal, risk to family security/safety, finding out your married to someone with zero integrity and poor moral character....should I go on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ so then you would agree in a sex-filled marriage (3-5 times per week), affairs are a big f@cking deal, correct?

And, if you are deeply in love with your spouse, having good sex, the betrayal and lies are devastating. Period. OP doesn’t care because she wasn’t having sex anyways. Not the case for many others out there. The end all trust forever.

As long as you’re getting your, what do you care?

Oh come on. Stds, lies, betrayal, risk to family security/safety, finding out your married to someone with zero integrity and poor moral character....should I go on?

* you’re

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ so then you would agree in a sex-filled marriage (3-5 times per week), affairs are a big f@cking deal, correct?

And, if you are deeply in love with your spouse, having good sex, the betrayal and lies are devastating. Period. OP doesn’t care because she wasn’t having sex anyways. Not the case for many others out there. The end all trust forever.

New poster here, and I agree with both of you. Lost marriages after a decade or two settle into platonic teams working towards common parenting and economic goals. So sex with someone else is understandable.

I get that some small percentage still have sex 3x a week or more and cheating would seem worse in those.

+1

It’s awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ so then you would agree in a sex-filled marriage (3-5 times per week), affairs are a big f@cking deal, correct?

And, if you are deeply in love with your spouse, having good sex, the betrayal and lies are devastating. Period. OP doesn’t care because she wasn’t having sex anyways. Not the case for many others out there. The end all trust forever.

As long as you’re getting your, what do you care?

Oh come on. Stds, lies, betrayal, risk to family security/safety, finding out your married to someone with zero integrity and poor moral character....should I go on?

* you’re

The bolded. You are completely blindsided which is so disorienting. The cheater really is like a sociopath because he carried on loving, acting normal and having sex 3-4 times per week. The betrayal feels deeper because the marriage was good without resentment. So- how could you? It’s f@cked up that people in good marriages do cheat as Esther Perel and Shirley Glass both point out. There is a foundation that may make reconciliation possible since live is there, but forgiveness and trust is even harder in these instances.