How to deal with my mother's absolutely appaling Christmas idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still struggle with my families devastating comments toward me that I endured as a child.
I would eliminate all contact from a family member before I would allow them to deliberately humiliate my child.

My mother gift wrapped a scale then forced me to use it immediately to weigh myse8in front of family then laughed and called me fat. Also got me a subscription to weight watchers magazine delivered to the group house where I lived in college. We see her rarely now.

[Anonymous]

That is awful OP.

You know your son best, but if he's able to handle it I'd be honest with him. "Grandma is likely to give you clothes that are too small. She apparently has decided that you should be a different weight and that will somehow happen if she buys you the wrong size. I just wanted you to be prepared. I think she's ridiculous. You are fabulous, you are growing and you are in charge of your body. You can also react however you choose to if G'ma does this, and we'll just exchange the clothes for ones that you want."

And I'd tell G'ma that you will not support her in this, that you've told your son what she plans and that you disagree with it, and that your son can give away, exchange, or throw out the clothes as he chooses. I'd also tell her that if she did this to me I would humiliated and furious and our relationship would never be the same, and you will fully support your son if he reacts that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you just tell your son about it? Say “your crazy grandma seems to think...” and let him know. Tell him you love him and do t want him embarrassed. Then tell your mom you told him and he laughed. Even better if it happens in front of her.

He’s 16. He can handle it. Grandma will be mortified and preempted. Problem solved. Enjoy Christmas.

This. Tell him in advance, game plan his reaction for the day and how best to deal with toxic grandma. It's one of the best gifts you can give him.

Not everyone has a loving, mentally stable grandmother, best to teach son how to deal with her because it won't be the last time. Give him skills to use after you are gone, and enjoy the rest of your family at Christmas.

It's ok to stay home, but sometimes those of us you are open about what our relatives are like, teach our children how to deal.with them, and show up anyhow are teaching by example.

Absolutely not. Your child needs to know that you 100% have his back and you won’t tolerate cruelty, even from a family member. There is no reason to subject him to this. None.

I'm not saying "subject him to cruelty," I'm saying teach him how to deal with cruelty and get back at grandma just as bad as she puts out...but teach him how to do this while you are around. And let him know you 100% have his back, this is what grandma plans, it's cruel, and lets decide how to deal with it. Some kids could just laugh it off, while others will be more hurt. Grandma needs to learn the kid can clap back, and the parents can help him do it.

The vast majority of my relatives are cruel, and they only thing that has worked is to prove I can be cruel back. After that, they actually behave themselves and know I mean what I say.

[Anonymous]

I’m the one who suggested telling - and this is because I too belong to the toxic but lovely mom club. I love her but regularly want to strangle her. The point is to tell BOTH - so Grandma knows AND son knows your sticking up for your kid - always. And you can bond over the antics and show your son how to deal with difficult people - she won’t be the last and the next might not even be a relative. Show your son who YOU are - esp when faced with others that you can’t control. Why should OPs family suffer and be self banished? Embarrassing Grandma - before the event will most likely stop her from her “helpful assistance”.

And fwiw - I’m not sure why the sons stats are regularly discussed with dr - seems within normal and if son can handle his own weight - you handle yours. My son - about the same height went thru similar changes and college slimmed him down. Just depends on the guy. If he’s active and happy, don’t bother.

[Anonymous]

If that's the best gift she can give him, she is a POS. Do not put your son through that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you just tell your son about it? Say “your crazy grandma seems to think...” and let him know. Tell him you love him and do t want him embarrassed. Then tell your mom you told him and he laughed. Even better if it happens in front of her.

He’s 16. He can handle it. Grandma will be mortified and preempted. Problem solved. Enjoy Christmas.

This. Tell him in advance, game plan his reaction for the day and how best to deal with toxic grandma. It's one of the best gifts you can give him.

Not everyone has a loving, mentally stable grandmother, best to teach son how to deal with her because it won't be the last time. Give him skills to use after you are gone, and enjoy the rest of your family at Christmas.

It's ok to stay home, but sometimes those of us you are open about what our relatives are like, teach our children how to deal.with them, and show up anyhow are teaching by example.

Absolutely not. Your child needs to know that you 100% have his back and you won’t tolerate cruelty, even from a family member. There is no reason to subject him to this. None.

The kid is going to have to learn to deal with cruelty at some point.

Maybe. But it shouldn’t come from grandma with an assist from mom. Tell her to buzz off and you aren’t seeing her unless she shapes up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you just tell your son about it? Say “your crazy grandma seems to think...” and let him know. Tell him you love him and do t want him embarrassed. Then tell your mom you told him and he laughed. Even better if it happens in front of her.

He’s 16. He can handle it. Grandma will be mortified and preempted. Problem solved. Enjoy Christmas.

This. Tell him in advance, game plan his reaction for the day and how best to deal with toxic grandma. It's one of the best gifts you can give him.

Not everyone has a loving, mentally stable grandmother, best to teach son how to deal with her because it won't be the last time. Give him skills to use after you are gone, and enjoy the rest of your family at Christmas.

It's ok to stay home, but sometimes those of us you are open about what our relatives are like, teach our children how to deal.with them, and show up anyhow are teaching by example.

Absolutely not. Your child needs to know that you 100% have his back and you won’t tolerate cruelty, even from a family member. There is no reason to subject him to this. None.

I'm not saying "subject him to cruelty," I'm saying teach him how to deal with cruelty and get back at grandma just as bad as she puts out...but teach him how to do this while you are around. And let him know you 100% have his back, this is what grandma plans, it's cruel, and lets decide how to deal with it. Some kids could just laugh it off, while others will be more hurt. Grandma needs to learn the kid can clap back, and the parents can help him do it.

The vast majority of my relatives are cruel, and they only thing that has worked is to prove I can be cruel back. After that, they actually behave themselves and know I mean what I say.

Just cut those people out. No one should be subjected to cruelty and nothing is gained by sinking to their terrible level.

[Anonymous]

Actually, there was a lot gained. I only had to do it twice and they learned I wasn't going to take the behavior. Worked really well and now they are much nicer and friendlier.

They all live near my elderly failing parents, so I'm not going to stop visiting my parents because Mom's family likes to bully until you fight back. Once I developed an f them attitude, they started behaving.

OPs mom needs to understand she's not in a "protected class" just because she is a grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And/or, I would tell her in a no-bull$hit, drop-dead tone that she had better not do this. Tell her if she humiliates him and makes him feel terrible about himself on Christmas, that will ruin her relationship with him, irreparably harm her relationship with you, and it will DEFINITELY be the last Christmas you spend with her for a long, long time.

This, +1000!!!

Honestly, this is what I would do too. One word about his weight, and next year’s Christmas is off the table. Her choice.

I would do this. Tell her exactly what the consequences will be if she goes ahead with her idea. This is actually the fairest option. You get to state your boundary and if your mother chooses to ignore you then she is already aware of the outcome.

I think it would be unfair to just not do Christmas this year. Although she has said it, she hasn't actually done it and perhaps she was mentioning it to see what you thought. At this point you just need to honestly communicate with her. Then you need to trust that she will listen and if she doesn't listen then you need to follow through with the repercussions.

Just do it calmly and don't engage in discussion with her about it, tell her this is the way it will be. From there she can choose.

[Anonymous]

“Mom, no. We are not giving him an eating disorder in a box for Christmas. I know you have the best intentions, but I ran this by his doctor and we both think this kind of well-intentioned intervention could have long term negative implications for his relation to his body, his eating, and himself. He sees you as someone who loves him. Could you please give him something that conveys that love and acceptance? If not, I understand, but we won’t be coming to your house this holiday.”

[Anonymous]

is your mother a fat woman? Was she?

[Anonymous]

depends on whether a meaningful inheritance is at stake. If it is, then just play along. If not, then I wouldn’t Christmas with this creep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, no. We are not giving him an eating disorder in a box for Christmas. I know you have the best intentions, but I ran this by his doctor and we both think this kind of well-intentioned intervention could have long term negative implications for his relation to his body, his eating, and himself. He sees you as someone who loves him. Could you please give him something that conveys that love and acceptance? If not, I understand, but we won’t be coming to your house this holiday.”

The problem with long responses like this is that unreasonable people stop listening very quickly at the first sign of opposition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, no. We are not giving him an eating disorder in a box for Christmas. I know you have the best intentions, but I ran this by his doctor and we both think this kind of well-intentioned intervention could have long term negative implications for his relation to his body, his eating, and himself. He sees you as someone who loves him. Could you please give him something that conveys that love and acceptance? If not, I understand, but we won’t be coming to your house this holiday.”

This is way too nice and OP's mom won't get the message. Don't bargain with and explain to someone who is unreasonable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would bring extra wrapped gifts for him, put “from grandma” on them, sneak them under the tree and secretly take the ones she has put out for him.

And/or, I would tell her in a no-bull$hit, drop-dead tone that she had better not do this. Tell her if she humiliates him and makes him feel terrible about himself on Christmas, that will ruin her relationship with him, irreparably harm her relationship with you, and it will DEFINITELY be the last Christmas you spend with her for a long, long time.

+100