How to deal with my mother's absolutely appaling Christmas idea?

[Anonymous]

I agree with discussing this with your son and coming to a solution together.

When I was 16, my paternal grandmother stopped talking to my parents over something trivial (it was her M.O. and not the first time). My dad basically supported her, so every month I brought over her monthly check. And she would sit there and say shitty things about my dad right to my face. I didn't know how to handle it...I was a teenager, and I would just cry on the way home because I didn't understand how she could say those things. Finally I brought it up with my mom and we talked through my grandmother's history and issues and how to handle the situation in the future (basically I did what people now call "gray rock" and make visits as short as possible).

Looking back I'm glad I talked about the situation with my mom because at the time it confirmed to me that this was not normal behavior and it gave me some agency and confidence to deal with it myself, with support from my parents. I was old enough to handle it. And yes, these incidents (along with others) permanently affected my relationship with her...I was never able to unring that bell, to unhear the nasty things she said about my amazing dad.

[Anonymous]

To the person above:
This is what abusers do. They do really mean things and then tell the person who is hurt that "they are being too sensitive" or "they don't have a sense of humor" as if the real problem is with the recipient of the abuse and not the abuse itself. There's really no right way to be abused.

[Anonymous]

You have a duty to protect your child from your mom's cruelty.

State in no uncertain terms that she is a) not to do this and b) if she mentions his weight in any way shape or form, visits will be at an end indefinitely. Get her to unequivocally agree upfront or you don't go.

And tell her what a B she is being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 YO DS has a bit of a pot belly. Weight/height wise he is within normal ranges, he just carries a bit extra around his waist rather then elsewhere. We have talked to our doctor about this sevoral times and his advice is basically to keep him active (which he is voluntarily) and dont make a big deal about it - either he may grow into it during late puberty or can work it off later but she doesnt think it is a medical issue.

Now my mom, lovely woman that she is (or rather isnt) disagrees and feels that he is, 'chubby' and we should be doing more. And so recently she has told me and dh that her christmas gift for him this year will be a couple items of clothing he has on his list, but 1-2 sizes smaller then his size (which we have given her. I.e an adult medium shirt vs a large, or 32inch waist pants vs 34 inch. Her reasoning is that it would, "Give him a reason to lose his baby fat."

We have told her we disagree, and asked her kindly to reconsider as we feel this is embarrassing to him, especially since he will be opening these gifts in front of his whole family including cousins so they will watch as he opens these clothes he does want only to realize he wont be able to wear them. But she is stead fast, and these arguements only seem to make her more determined that this is, according to her, the best gift she could give him.

I need advice. Love my mom to bits, but I really dont think this is a good idea and need her to see that.

Arrive after gift-opening. Get a "flat tire," "dead battery," "Larla not feeling well and needed extra time to rest." Insist they don't wait and refuse to open gifts in front of everyone else when you arrive.

Advice like this is not practical IMO. you are going to stand there and have a show down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would discuss with your son and let him prioritize:

Grandma has decided to buy you clothes a size too small because she apparently has decided that you should be a different size and thinks that a good way to “fix” your perfectly normal, healthy body is to try to embarass you in front of our entire family. I have told her that I am absolutely livid and that I will never forgive her if she follows through with this plan, but I can’t guarantee that that threat will stop her from doing it.

So now we have a choice and I want your opinion:

1) We go to family Christmas, if Grandma is awful to you, we tell her it’s unacceptable and we leave

2) We go to family Christmas and if Grandma is awful we just ignore her and change the subject.

3) We skip family Christmas and just do our own thing with you, me and dad.

It depends on how much this bothers you and on whether you actually will miss seeing your cousins for the holiday. If you think it will be really upsetting and you don’t care much about seeing cousins we can just skip it, but I don’t want to just make that choice for you. You are a young man now, not a child and there are lots of way to deal with a bully.

This is the best answer here, OP. I love it.

It really isn’t. It’s abdicating responsibility and putting the whole family’s holiday happiness on your 16yo’s shoulders. The reason OP doesn’t want to cancel is because it’ll disappoint the entire extended family. How unfair to push that decision off on a kid. How exactly does that conversation go? “Hi son, how was school? Oh by the way, grandma thinks you’re so fat that normal tactics to get you to be healthy won’t work. She’s decided to give you an embarrassing gift in front of the whole family. What? No, your dad and I don’t think you’re that fat. In fact, when we ask the dr if you’re too fat, the dr said not to worry, so don’t feel self conscious about your weight. About Christmas though, you know everyone is expecting to see us there, and you know how I love seeing my whole family. Everyone will be disappointed if we cancel, but if you think it would be too embarrassing to open up clothes too small and listen to a couple of remarks about your weight from grandma, we can skip it. We’ll stay home and bake cookies, because I know how much you love cookies!”

Either you’re ok with throwing your kid to your wolf of a mother, or you’re strong enough to stand up to her and protect your child. Even telling the kid grandma’s cruel plan is mean. It’s like telling someone a third person was talking trash about them behind their back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would discuss with your son and let him prioritize:

Grandma has decided to buy you clothes a size too small because she apparently has decided that you should be a different size and thinks that a good way to “fix” your perfectly normal, healthy body is to try to embarass you in front of our entire family. I have told her that I am absolutely livid and that I will never forgive her if she follows through with this plan, but I can’t guarantee that that threat will stop her from doing it.

So now we have a choice and I want your opinion:

1) We go to family Christmas, if Grandma is awful to you, we tell her it’s unacceptable and we leave

2) We go to family Christmas and if Grandma is awful we just ignore her and change the subject.

3) We skip family Christmas and just do our own thing with you, me and dad.

It depends on how much this bothers you and on whether you actually will miss seeing your cousins for the holiday. If you think it will be really upsetting and you don’t care much about seeing cousins we can just skip it, but I don’t want to just make that choice for you. You are a young man now, not a child and there are lots of way to deal with a bully.

This is the best answer here, OP. I love it.

It really isn’t. It’s abdicating responsibility and putting the whole family’s holiday happiness on your 16yo’s shoulders. The reason OP doesn’t want to cancel is because it’ll disappoint the entire extended family. How unfair to push that decision off on a kid. How exactly does that conversation go? “Hi son, how was school? Oh by the way, grandma thinks you’re so fat that normal tactics to get you to be healthy won’t work. She’s decided to give you an embarrassing gift in front of the whole family. What? No, your dad and I don’t think you’re that fat. In fact, when we ask the dr if you’re too fat, the dr said not to worry, so don’t feel self conscious about your weight. About Christmas though, you know everyone is expecting to see us there, and you know how I love seeing my whole family. Everyone will be disappointed if we cancel, but if you think it would be too embarrassing to open up clothes too small and listen to a couple of remarks about your weight from grandma, we can skip it. We’ll stay home and bake cookies, because I know how much you love cookies!”

Either you’re ok with throwing your kid to your wolf of a mother, or you’re strong enough to stand up to her and protect your child. Even telling the kid grandma’s cruel plan is mean. It’s like telling someone a third person was talking trash about them behind their back.

+1

This. You know what the right thing to do here is. Now do it. Stand up for your child. Protect him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will your son necessarily know it’s due to weight? I feel like grandparents are often way off in their sizing. I remember my MIL gave my 3 year old daughter a 24 month dress. Later, she gave her 2 year old brother a size 4 sweater. We’re always getting stuff that’s way too big or way too small from relatives. The kids know to say “thanks! That’s my favorite color!” Or “I love polka dots!” Even if it’s totally the wrong size.

But OP knows the intention. A gift of cruelty should be blocked.

OP - this is undeniably cruel. I would threaten my mom if she did that. I would refuse to let my kids open her gifts. It's that simple, protect your kid.

[Anonymous]

pp here to add that normally I'm very forgiving and see the best in people, especially on these boards.

[Anonymous]

pp again - sorry...I agree with 18:28. Don't ruin xmas for your kid by telling him about planned stunt AND then put the decision to cancel xmas on his shoulders. Stand up to her.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your mom again and ask her if she’s truly considering the hurtful idea she told you about earlier. If she says yes then you tell her you are going to speak with your son and tell him about it ahead of time because you will not have him embarrassed and angry in front of everyone. Tell her you will speak with her after that talk and explain what you and your son have decided to do to manage the future relationship now that he’s aware of her dissatisfaction with his physical appearance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would discuss with your son and let him prioritize:

Grandma has decided to buy you clothes a size too small because she apparently has decided that you should be a different size and thinks that a good way to “fix” your perfectly normal, healthy body is to try to embarass you in front of our entire family. I have told her that I am absolutely livid and that I will never forgive her if she follows through with this plan, but I can’t guarantee that that threat will stop her from doing it.

So now we have a choice and I want your opinion:

1) We go to family Christmas, if Grandma is awful to you, we tell her it’s unacceptable and we leave

2) We go to family Christmas and if Grandma is awful we just ignore her and change the subject.

3) We skip family Christmas and just do our own thing with you, me and dad.

It depends on how much this bothers you and on whether you actually will miss seeing your cousins for the holiday. If you think it will be really upsetting and you don’t care much about seeing cousins we can just skip it, but I don’t want to just make that choice for you. You are a young man now, not a child and there are lots of way to deal with a bully.

Gawd, NO. Do NOT put your poor 16-year old in this position. He’ll want to crawl away and die. Talk about ruining Christmas! He’ll remember that little conversation forever. What planet are you people from?!?!!

[Anonymous]

Oh, turn it into some fun, just go out there, buy a three sizes smaller dress for you mom and say,
okay, how bout we do this your way but you have to do it my way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, turn it into some fun, just go out there, buy a three sizes smaller dress for you mom and say,
okay, how bout we do this your way but you have to do it my way.

No, no, no. Buy her a XXL. Make a big show of saying “sooo sorry! I was sure that was your size! Are you sure?...? That looked like was just your size.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay home. Seriously. I would never put my kid in this situation, or risk putting my kid in this situation (since I’m not sure I’d trust that she backed off).

+1

Grandma is being cruel and stupid. She was asked to stop. She refuses. She can do without seeing the kids at Christmas this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, turn it into some fun, just go out there, buy a three sizes smaller dress for you mom and say,
okay, how bout we do this your way but you have to do it my way.

No, no, no. Buy her a XXL. Make a big show of saying “sooo sorry! I was sure that was your size! Are you sure?...? That looked like was just your size.”

This. One of the few ways to "cure" this behavior.
I wish someone has taught me how to call Grandma out on her crap when I was 16.