How to deal with my mother's absolutely appaling Christmas idea?

[Anonymous]

Extremely awkward situation. Your mother is being cruel and very inappropriate. Someone who would do that is also the person who would say something just to get the point across. Your son will probably lose that weight as he grows but likely he’ll never forget grandma is cruel. I would hide the gifts in the car and not open them in front of the family. Make some excuse like have no idea where gift is. No need to get this gift from grandma. Maybe you can return it later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would bring extra wrapped gifts for him, put “from grandma” on them, sneak them under the tree and secretly take the ones she has put out for him.

And/or, I would tell her in a no-bull$hit, drop-dead tone that she had better not do this. Tell her if she humiliates him and makes him feel terrible about himself on Christmas, that will ruin her relationship with him, irreparably harm her relationship with you, and it will DEFINITELY be the last Christmas you spend with her for a long, long time.

THIS but forget the extra gifts.

[Anonymous]

My mother was an ace at cruel gifts in front of family. And only for me — others got what they asked for. It was humiliating and I think she enjoyed it. She loved to poke fun at my trying to downplay it. (That it hurt my feelings) Was not a relationship building thing. In fact as an adult I dislike gifts.

[Anonymous]

^^ so therefore I would not allow grandma to do this to my son.

[Anonymous]

Op, my son had the same body type at that age and my father missed no opportunity to whisper very loudly to me that I needed to do something about the situation whenever we were at family events that year or two. My dad is now gone, my son stopped going to see my father after one of these moments, and refused to go to my father's funeral. The damage will never go away in my son's eyes. You've got to shut your mother down, for your son's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her idea is horrible and wrong but your kid sounds chubby, not “chubby.”

OP here

I mean, he is also 6 foot tall at 16, so I dont think adult large/34 inch waist pants are super large. He is not skinny by any means, and he does hold more weight around his middle, but is well within the average weight for his height and has no medical issues per the doctor.

He’s 16 and not going to model the clothes for the entire family. He’ll open a box with a sweater and say, “thanks grandma.”

Later on at home you can tell him you can exchange anything that doesn’t fit because grandma doesn’t always get sizes right.

You’re way overthinking this.

Depends. OP said her mom is the opposite of a lovely person. So if she is anything like my mom, after "thanks grandma", Grandma would say "you're welcome. I know how much you wanted that shirt. I bought it in a medium because I know you're trying to lose that tummy of yours". So yes, most normal interactions would involve noting the size later in private and being upset about it. But for some people, they need to go that extra mile to make sure the embarrassment sets in right away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, my son had the same body type at that age and my father missed no opportunity to whisper very loudly to me that I needed to do something about the situation whenever we were at family events that year or two. My dad is now gone, my son stopped going to see my father after one of these moments, and refused to go to my father's funeral. The damage will never go away in my son's eyes. You've got to shut your mother down, for your son's sake.

There is nothing OP can do with her mother except warn her son ahead of.time and game out a couple scenerios where he talks to grandma when she points this out in front of people. Some of us have crappy families.

Another option, have you or son give grandma some wrinkle cream, something she likes in a color she hates, or a piece of clothing that is too small for her. Two can play at what is essentially a game.

[Anonymous]

Figure out an gift that would be equally mean for Grandma. If she goes through with it, and makes a big production out of her gift to your son, have a good revenge gift available. Basically revenge must be Swift and ruthless to prevent this from happening again. The rest of your family should understand, as any of their kids could be next.

[Anonymous]

This thread is also reminding me of my husbands aunt who gave me a size medium sweater for Christmas while we were dating and said she got medium because I’m so much bigger than she is. (At the time, I weighed about 110.). Some people are just nutso. I was like “is this my cue to tell her how thin she is?”

[Anonymous]

Your mother wants to publicly shame and humiliate your child, and etch into his mind that he is unacceptable as he is, enough so that his own grandma would rather he be someone else.

And you love her to bits? You tell her a flat no and if she ever does anything like that you will leave immediately and not speak to her again. That is messed up.

[Anonymous]

Put your son first!
Do not go and tell your Mother why. Tell relatives the reason too. So what if you miss family event? It would be worth it to make your point to your Mother and prevent your son from being offended. She is cruel. Have other relatives talk to her. I would cancel and then plan a fantastic day out with your son. Take him to a great sporting event and out to dinner. You do not have to tell him about mean Grandmothers gift. How can you lover her to pieces, if she is so mean? You control this! Skip family get together and see them next year! Please do update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And/or, I would tell her in a no-bull$hit, drop-dead tone that she had better not do this. Tell her if she humiliates him and makes him feel terrible about himself on Christmas, that will ruin her relationship with him, irreparably harm her relationship with you, and it will DEFINITELY be the last Christmas you spend with her for a long, long time.

This, +1000!!!

[Anonymous]

"Mom I'm seriously considering just cancelling coming to visit at all over the holidays. It is meant to be a joyful time of year, creating happy memories with family and friends. You are set on creating a Christmas memory of embarrassment and shame. I want your word that you will not be so cruel to him in front of everyone, before we decide on attending. If you go back on your word, it will be the last time you will have access to DS until he is an adult. At that time he can decide if he wants contact with you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And/or, I would tell her in a no-bull$hit, drop-dead tone that she had better not do this. Tell her if she humiliates him and makes him feel terrible about himself on Christmas, that will ruin her relationship with him, irreparably harm her relationship with you, and it will DEFINITELY be the last Christmas you spend with her for a long, long time.

This, +1000!!!

This too. It's cruel and undermining of a kid at a very vulnerable time (although when isn't it A vulnerable time for kids).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And/or, I would tell her in a no-bull$hit, drop-dead tone that she had better not do this. Tell her if she humiliates him and makes him feel terrible about himself on Christmas, that will ruin her relationship with him, irreparably harm her relationship with you, and it will DEFINITELY be the last Christmas you spend with her for a long, long time.

This, +1000!!!

Of all the responses, I think this one really sums up what you need to do in this situation. How rotten of a grandparent to intentionally plan something so cruel to a child. Purposely giving a smaller size of anything isn't a motivator AT ALL, and she should be smart enough at this point in her life to have already learned this life lesson.

Should she go through with it, I would leave the gift behind and tell your son that since grandma got the sizing wrong, he can just pick out a different shirt/whatever that he likes once you get back home (downplaying to him).

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, OP, and I hope you'll come back to share how you handled the situation.