How to deal with my mother's absolutely appaling Christmas idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 16 YO DS has a bit of a pot belly. Weight/height wise he is within normal ranges, he just carries a bit extra around his waist rather then elsewhere. We have talked to our doctor about this sevoral times and his advice is basically to keep him active (which he is voluntarily) and dont make a big deal about it - either he may grow into it during late puberty or can work it off later but she doesnt think it is a medical issue.

Now my mom, lovely woman that she is (or rather isnt) disagrees and feels that he is, 'chubby' and we should be doing more. And so recently she has told me and dh that her christmas gift for him this year will be a couple items of clothing he has on his list, but 1-2 sizes smaller then his size (which we have given her. I.e an adult medium shirt vs a large, or 32inch waist pants vs 34 inch. Her reasoning is that it would, "Give him a reason to lose his baby fat."

We have told her we disagree, and asked her kindly to reconsider as we feel this is embarrassing to him, especially since he will be opening these gifts in front of his whole family including cousins so they will watch as he opens these clothes he does want only to realize he wont be able to wear them. But she is stead fast, and these arguements only seem to make her more determined that this is, according to her, the best gift she could give him.

I need advice. Love my mom to bits, but I really dont think this is a good idea and need her to see that.

Arrive after gift-opening. Get a "flat tire," "dead battery," "Larla not feeling well and needed extra time to rest." Insist they don't wait and refuse to open gifts in front of everyone else when you arrive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still struggle with my families devastating comments toward me that I endured as a child.
I would eliminate all contact from a family member before I would allow them to deliberately humiliate my child.

Yup. My mom is an ass as well. It is why I spend the holidays with my inlaws my siblings have also spent the holidays with my inlaws. This year my mom is spending the holidays alone. This is what you get when you're an asshole and people don't put up with it.

[Anonymous]

I would discuss with your son and let him prioritize:

Grandma has decided to buy you clothes a size too small because she apparently has decided that you should be a different size and thinks that a good way to “fix” your perfectly normal, healthy body is to try to embarass you in front of our entire family. I have told her that I am absolutely livid and that I will never forgive her if she follows through with this plan, but I can’t guarantee that that threat will stop her from doing it.

So now we have a choice and I want your opinion:

1) We go to family Christmas, if Grandma is awful to you, we tell her it’s unacceptable and we leave

2) We go to family Christmas and if Grandma is awful we just ignore her and change the subject.

3) We skip family Christmas and just do our own thing with you, me and dad.

It depends on how much this bothers you and on whether you actually will miss seeing your cousins for the holiday. If you think it will be really upsetting and you don’t care much about seeing cousins we can just skip it, but I don’t want to just make that choice for you. You are a young man now, not a child and there are lots of way to deal with a bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would discuss with your son and let him prioritize:

Grandma has decided to buy you clothes a size too small because she apparently has decided that you should be a different size and thinks that a good way to “fix” your perfectly normal, healthy body is to try to embarass you in front of our entire family. I have told her that I am absolutely livid and that I will never forgive her if she follows through with this plan, but I can’t guarantee that that threat will stop her from doing it.

So now we have a choice and I want your opinion:

1) We go to family Christmas, if Grandma is awful to you, we tell her it’s unacceptable and we leave

2) We go to family Christmas and if Grandma is awful we just ignore her and change the subject.

3) We skip family Christmas and just do our own thing with you, me and dad.

It depends on how much this bothers you and on whether you actually will miss seeing your cousins for the holiday. If you think it will be really upsetting and you don’t care much about seeing cousins we can just skip it, but I don’t want to just make that choice for you. You are a young man now, not a child and there are lots of way to deal with a bully.

Love this whole approach. Love it. It honors your son, lets him know you have his back (in so many ways), and gives him agency while also effectively disarming the impact of Grandma's judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would discuss with your son and let him prioritize:

Grandma has decided to buy you clothes a size too small because she apparently has decided that you should be a different size and thinks that a good way to “fix” your perfectly normal, healthy body is to try to embarass you in front of our entire family. I have told her that I am absolutely livid and that I will never forgive her if she follows through with this plan, but I can’t guarantee that that threat will stop her from doing it.

So now we have a choice and I want your opinion:

1) We go to family Christmas, if Grandma is awful to you, we tell her it’s unacceptable and we leave

2) We go to family Christmas and if Grandma is awful we just ignore her and change the subject.

3) We skip family Christmas and just do our own thing with you, me and dad.

It depends on how much this bothers you and on whether you actually will miss seeing your cousins for the holiday. If you think it will be really upsetting and you don’t care much about seeing cousins we can just skip it, but I don’t want to just make that choice for you. You are a young man now, not a child and there are lots of way to deal with a bully.

Love this whole approach. Love it. It honors your son, lets him know you have his back (in so many ways), and gives him agency while also effectively disarming the impact of Grandma's judgment.

I think that’s a big decision for a 16yo to have to make. OP, I posted earlier that you need to tell your mother ahead of time that she had best not even try to pull this crap. Tell her that you will ream her out in front of everyone, in defense of your child, and that she will not see you in future Christmases.

[Anonymous]

Ok, 8 pages later and no OP. OP, let's hear from you. We are all invested and protective of your son, now!

[Anonymous]

I'm the person who received the scale for Christmas along with a public weigh-in. I've been thinking about this and what's really disturbing about the grandma's behavior here is it's pretty much PREMEDITATED cruelty -- like it was with my mom.
This scenario involves:
1. Thinking up a way to humiliate the person struggling with their weight
2. Taking the time to go to the store to purchase the mean gift
3. Wrapping the mean gift
4. putting the mean gift under the tree
5. LIkely nudging the person to open the mean gift -- etc.

There are NUMEROUS steps in this sequence in which any rational sane person would kind of realize "Wow, I"m about to do a really shitty thing." This isn't an impulse. It isn't a one off. It is a long term pattern of premeditated cruelty.
It's hard to make the argument that "this person is actually pretty great except s/he did this one shitty thing." It's the kind of thing that actually makes you a shitty person.

I still see my mom occasionally but I don't trust her. I don't trust her with my feelings, I don't trust her with my plans. I don't reveal ANYTHING to her EVER.

YOu might want to think about the relationship you have overall with your mom "aside form the fact that she did this one shitty thing." Is it really just the one shitty thing?

[Anonymous]

OP, you know this already, but your mom sucks.

Jesus. Does she ever suck.

[Anonymous]

Don't go, tell your mom off directly, and nip this generational crap in the bud by continuing to care for and love your kid.

[Anonymous]

My mom is a mean person, and I limit her exposure to my kid. She doesn’t really care about seeing her grandchildren, so this is fairly easy.

Put your foot down. It’s ok to hurt her feelings to spare your son’s feelings. Make it clear that this is a hard no, and she needs to respect it. Don’t put it gently. If she shows up with the gift. Take it from under the tree and put it in your trunk, or in the trash when she’s in another room.

“Mom, I’m absolutely not going to let this happen. Find another gift or give nothing. This isn’t up for debate.”

[Anonymous]

If you do go, warn your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you just tell your son about it? Say “your crazy grandma seems to think...” and let him know. Tell him you love him and do t want him embarrassed. Then tell your mom you told him and he laughed. Even better if it happens in front of her.

He’s 16. He can handle it. Grandma will be mortified and preempted. Problem solved. Enjoy Christmas.

This. Tell him in advance, game plan his reaction for the day and how best to deal with toxic grandma. It's one of the best gifts you can give him.

Not everyone has a loving, mentally stable grandmother, best to teach son how to deal with her because it won't be the last time. Give him skills to use after you are gone, and enjoy the rest of your family at Christmas.

It's ok to stay home, but sometimes those of us you are open about what our relatives are like, teach our children how to deal.with them, and show up anyhow are teaching by example.

Absolutely not. Your child needs to know that you 100% have his back and you won’t tolerate cruelty, even from a family member. There is no reason to subject him to this. None.

+1 Not going IS teaching him how to deal with cruelty. If people insist on being cruel to you, they do not get to enjoy the pleasure of your company.

What are you teaching him by saying, we know this person is planning to cruelly humiliate you in front of everyone, but you just need to go there and deal with it because it's your dear old grandma? That's teaching him to be a doormat, and that her cruel-hearted feelings are more important than his, and that he deserves to suffer this humiliation. That is not a lesson I would teach my child.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you do decide to go anyway, no one in your family should open gifts from your mom while there. Take the gifts home and open them privately. No one needs to know why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would discuss with your son and let him prioritize:

Grandma has decided to buy you clothes a size too small because she apparently has decided that you should be a different size and thinks that a good way to “fix” your perfectly normal, healthy body is to try to embarass you in front of our entire family. I have told her that I am absolutely livid and that I will never forgive her if she follows through with this plan, but I can’t guarantee that that threat will stop her from doing it.

So now we have a choice and I want your opinion:

1) We go to family Christmas, if Grandma is awful to you, we tell her it’s unacceptable and we leave

2) We go to family Christmas and if Grandma is awful we just ignore her and change the subject.

3) We skip family Christmas and just do our own thing with you, me and dad.

It depends on how much this bothers you and on whether you actually will miss seeing your cousins for the holiday. If you think it will be really upsetting and you don’t care much about seeing cousins we can just skip it, but I don’t want to just make that choice for you. You are a young man now, not a child and there are lots of way to deal with a bully.

This is the best answer here, OP. I love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't any of you sit around and tell stories about the weird and wacky things your grandparents and great aunts / uncles did?

To me, these are the things that we laugh about later in life. and at the time - they are just part of life and dealing with them builds resilience.

Weird and wacky: giving an open pack of toothpaste boxes.

Cruel: deliberately shaming your grandchild for his weight.