In same house but "separated"

[Anonymous]

I wish I had spent more time with his parents to see ones ASD and how it ruined the other spouse, and their sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have one DS, age 4. DH and I have separate bedrooms and do separate things when DS is asleep. We eat all meals together. On weekends, we do a family activity day: museum, zoo, climbing gym, etc. and we alternate the other weekend day. DH are somewhat physically affectionate to each other in front of DS: back oats, brief hugs. How does something like this play out long-term? So far DS hasn't asked any questions. We don't plan on getting a divorce or moving out until DS it's in his 20s or maybe not at all because we will be very old and tired by then.

It turned out my husband has aspergers. First I thought he was just passive aggressive and had no common sense, then I thought maybe ADHD and anger issues, and finally, he got tested. No ADHd, just autism and a few comorbid issues. Now am stuck with a 5 and 7 yo and need to protect the kids- from all his accidents, lack of care, and possible rage. It sux. But yes, separate rooms, he has terrible habits so it’s better for all.

I typed out a very long response below. I think I was triggered by something you wrote that I used to say to myself. Anyway, this reply isn't 100% directed at you, but rather my thought and another perspective on the matter. TL;DR - I was in your shoes at one point and staying sometimes sucks more than leaving for the majority, but it is usually the most difficult choice for YOU to make as the initiator.


"It is better for all."

How do you really know what is better? It is better for everyone to stay miserable and married for the next 16 years because of school? Suppose your child graduates, has a wonderful career, and meets their future spouse. Now future spouse has to work with disarmingthe emotionally stunted child that never observed authentic intimacy, so that child will never be an adult able to give what you sacrificed in your marriage to their children? They don't have intimacy and explode in response to it, isolating from loved ones. Intimacy isn't found in hugs and back pats. It is in the grit and the glue of a marriage and vulnerability. If you do not have it, you cannot fake it. You cannot mimick it. And it feels intrusive. Is it better to not give up 3000 square feet, and short change another generation in emotional well being, by creating what you were too afraid to walk away from? (I asked these questions of myself at one point)

Or maybe it isn't better for "everyone" when at some point, one of the repressed spouses/parents begins actively deflecting pain and stress in other, unhealthy outlets. Drinking, adultery, gambling, addiction to other negative outlets. Perhaps the spouse becomes a cheater, exposes "all" of us to sexually transmitted infections, or a resulting pregnancy. Or worse, the offending spouse becomes empowered by the inaction, and aggressive enough to throw a ball in your face, smirk at the redness, like a 10-year old child in a vindictive low shot dodge ball game, and stare down your hurt without remorse or regret. Is that really better than 50% custody? Is it better when your children watch you cower and cry, and become angry and bully the child in their class, trying to make sense of it all, until they are suspended and it hits your pockets? Until you lose every sense of self that brought you to love in the first place, is it better then? When their drawings no longer give you joy, when you look past their imaginative play and want to melt into nothingness to escape from the depression, agony, and pain.

I am sorry, love, but what is easy is not always better, and is often more painful than what is difficult. If your spouse is an alcoholic that will not treat their illness, the truth hurts but it is better to walk away, and have the judge order a breathalyzer on the car before s/he drives your child anywhere. Your children are safer, and you are saner than if you are 100% the default parent, without love, ridden with guilt. For material comforts, really. The truth really does hurt because it requires integrity - which requires growth - which is usually uncomfortable.

Sometimes "sucking it up" is being stuck in your fear, and assuming it is for everyone's benefit that you remain stagnant, delaying the inevitable, or creating a different monster of martyrdom we should all bow to. This sounds very insensitive, but I can only speak with this authority and conviction because i have walked in its reign and conquered it. I understand the intention is good, and the selfless giving is strong, and the respect is feared. But the LOVE is not real. YOUR FEAR IS NOT greater than LOVE. Life is very empty without love, even if it is between a parent in child, or two neighbors. We were made to connect, with our free will. Why allow anything to create a barrier to your fulfillment, and your children's right to fulfillment in life, and even your spouse's fulfillment. No one is getting 100% of their desires met anyway. Everyone's capacity for love is different and that is okay. There is enough trouble in the world than to repress love and commit to a 20-year plan of waiting for death. It makes me sad thinking about it.

No, for me, I chose to face my pain directly, look it in the eye, expose the lie, and watch it's power and control over my consciousness diminish and morph into light. Thanks, mom and dad. I hope others are strong enough to get that lesson too with gratitude. It is a hard one but it certainly empowers you in remarkable ways.

I too was afraid of leaving a child in 50% of another adult's care. Then I realized - fear of a possibility was deciding for me. The possibility of difficult change worked to keep me from a higher probability of positive change. I was willing to stay with the devil I knew: tolerating the aggression, the physical intimidation, the distrust and demeaning overtures, the blatant disrespect, lies and manipulative tactics to disadvantage me, the barriers to my empowerment, growth, and happiness and the clear restrictions on areas of my personal power and control.

My spouse's smug satisfaction that seemed to come from witness to my pain kept me frozen and insecure; it affirmed all of the lies that I had chosen to believe about myself. As life went on around me, life died within me. I decided, who cares if the most dreadful thing happens? Is it really so bad? So what if he has 50%? So WHAT if it is hard? This is hard too! So WHAT if it means I could lose everything? We all are born into and depart from this world naked and without possessions. I trusted this spouse enough to build 50% of my child's DNA, and I trust that they can care for 50% of the time for the next X years.

That was really hard to come to terms with. But it was critical for a healthy, supportive exit. I took my 50% and was willing to gladly take his 50%. I also focused on the reminder that protections were built into the "justice" system for my child, against both my spouse and me. Counselors, therapists, police, social workers, they all had the disadvantaged at heart. Ultimately, if my child's safety were truly challenged or threatened, the child would be safe, there was a vast social network through family and friends for support too. I was not completely alone. Identifying new networks for my child, though it looked different to me because i never had a model for it, it helped me that let go of fear. I offered 50/50 custody as afraid and terrified of the worst but determined to give my best 50% and more if I could. Behold, I received sole custody without asking for it. The non-custodial parent takes their child much less than 25% of the time.

It wasn't staying, but rather divorcing as the best thing I did for everyone else, but it was the absolute hardest thing to do for myself. It was marital suicide, and I lost a part of myself in that process. Things got much worse before they got much better. Ultimately, divorce was the healthiest choice that promoted love in everyone's life, and made living differently more joyful. He is still as disenchanted and disillusioned as he has always been, but perhaps a stronger parent since they have to be on the job 100% of the time, and a bit more respectful of me after leaving him; the children are receiving 100% attention from each of us, I am much more fun as a mom when the tupperware containers are organized to my liking and I play whatever music I want. My children are really tuned into their emotions, and have become wonderful support systems for their friends going through crisis; They love in their own way, independently, take risks but are also wise and stable, and can identify destructive patterns, energy, coping mechanisms and establish healthy boundaries; my children have many advocates for their success, more than if we kept all of our family problems cocooned under our roof of horror. The stench of the death in that marriage made the entire structure rot. Requiring family counseling helped with changes from puberty, to dating, to death, or just having a neutral safe place for the children that respected their privacy too, in the new rearranged family structure with our living in different homes and completely divorced.

It sounds kind of tough in parts, because it is. The truth really does hurt. But it also disinfects, and heals, and allows for integrity, and strength, and truly what is best to remain without threat. I hope that every family finds the unique path that really does the greatest good for all. Sometimes new paths can open, or we can lose opportunities to acess the path because of poor decision-making, so timing is critical.

So. When you ask how does this play out long term - I would say, it depends on so much, much more than what you have shared here. But mostly, how this plays out depends on whether your children are exposed to healthy loving homes of integrity, whether one marital home or two split homes. There are many versions of a family, and we all have the free will to structure it in a way that provides the most stable foundation for children and also for us as their sole provider. Only you really know what the right answer is for you and your family. I chose to leave my spouse, and rearrange our family structure, to allow for the growth we will all need long term. The problems are different, but they are manageable and solving them becomes empowering which is a good thing. We are much better functioning now, and the pain is much less for all, just different, but bearable and we continue to grow through life with gratitude.

Your experience and mileage may vary.

How old were your children when you divorced?

Did your ex also have aspergers? If so, was mind blindness present and a risk to the health and safety of the children? Lack of care, connection and listening present, in addition to the executive functioning deficits and lack of empathy? Was the divorce high conflict (as was the home)?

Thx.

[Anonymous]

My parents lived as roommates at least since I was in junior high. I have a couple of thoughts about this.

Your child is very young, and if the two of you can co-parent well, I'd consider getting a divorce now. It will be a lot more disruptive as your child ages.

My other thought is that if you can live like roommates for a decade, why not do it forever? The two of you can support each other as you age, and it is a lot easier to deal with helping out one household instead of two. I used to think my parent's arrangement was weird and they should just get a divorce. Now that they are old, I'm very happy they never divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have one DS, age 4. DH and I have separate bedrooms and do separate things when DS is asleep. We eat all meals together. On weekends, we do a family activity day: museum, zoo, climbing gym, etc. and we alternate the other weekend day. DH are somewhat physically affectionate to each other in front of DS: back oats, brief hugs. How does something like this play out long-term? So far DS hasn't asked any questions. We don't plan on getting a divorce or moving out until DS it's in his 20s or maybe not at all because we will be very old and tired by then.

So you're friends in front of your kid. What happens when he gets older and actually notices you don't seem to like each other much? Have you tried to repair the marriage?

Meh. I had three years of sleeping separately, not being affectionate, never doing any non-family things, and my kids didn't even notice. Thus they were completely shocked when we announced I was moving out.

+1. Kids did not notice. It was always like that. Normal is relative. Could not do it forever. Divorced. But really living separately for YEARS in the same house did not even register with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have one DS, age 4. DH and I have separate bedrooms and do separate things when DS is asleep. We eat all meals together. On weekends, we do a family activity day: museum, zoo, climbing gym, etc. and we alternate the other weekend day. DH are somewhat physically affectionate to each other in front of DS: back oats, brief hugs. How does something like this play out long-term? So far DS hasn't asked any questions. We don't plan on getting a divorce or moving out until DS it's in his 20s or maybe not at all because we will be very old and tired by then.

So you're friends in front of your kid. What happens when he gets older and actually notices you don't seem to like each other much? Have you tried to repair the marriage?

I didn't say we don't like each other much. He's a good dad and a good person. We've done a lot of couples counseling and individual counseling.

What's the alternative? I see most 2nd marriages and it's a mess. You'll have to deal with steps and who knows what influences will be around your kids. Just look around at the 40 and over crowd.

People who divorce don't always remarry. I won't. But I did not want to remain married to my spouse. I will never remarry ever again. There won't be "steps."

[Anonymous]

Goodness... why not just live honestly?

Hubby and I are in the midst of separating. I'm scared, but I can't live a lie in front of my child (she's only 6 months btw). Would life (in some ways) be easier if married? Yes. Could buy a bigger home, share expenses, etc. But in 20 years I don't want to look back on my life and regret staying.

My parents divorced, I see it as my mom set an example: if someone doesn't treat you right, leave.

His parents had an even more dysfunctional marriage and his mother was very submissive. Father was abusive, controlling. Hubby is not a bad person but the learned behaviors from his father is a large part of why we are splitting.

To me, this reads like a case study in why children from divorced families often end up divorced. Have you even worked to solve your marital issues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have one DS, age 4. DH and I have separate bedrooms and do separate things when DS is asleep. We eat all meals together. On weekends, we do a family activity day: museum, zoo, climbing gym, etc. and we alternate the other weekend day. DH are somewhat physically affectionate to each other in front of DS: back oats, brief hugs. How does something like this play out long-term? So far DS hasn't asked any questions. We don't plan on getting a divorce or moving out until DS it's in his 20s or maybe not at all because we will be very old and tired by then.

So, how this plays out long term depends entirely on your expectations. Your setup sounds fine and tbh, many long term couples arrive at this point organically. You are not old yet, so at some point either of you may want to date, and then it will of course blow things up. You can of course have a DADT arrangements but eventually someone will want more.

I wouldn't worry about "setting the right example" to the children. There is nothing wrong in this example, and you can't really program anyone for happiness or misery. Every human has to walk their own path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have one DS, age 4. DH and I have separate bedrooms and do separate things when DS is asleep. We eat all meals together. On weekends, we do a family activity day: museum, zoo, climbing gym, etc. and we alternate the other weekend day. DH are somewhat physically affectionate to each other in front of DS: back oats, brief hugs. How does something like this play out long-term? So far DS hasn't asked any questions. We don't plan on getting a divorce or moving out until DS it's in his 20s or maybe not at all because we will be very old and tired by then.

So you're friends in front of your kid. What happens when he gets older and actually notices you don't seem to like each other much? Have you tried to repair the marriage?

Meh. I had three years of sleeping separately, not being affectionate, never doing any non-family things, and my kids didn't even notice. Thus they were completely shocked when we announced I was moving out.

+1. Kids did not notice. It was always like that. Normal is relative. Could not do it forever. Divorced. But really living separately for YEARS in the same house did not even register with the kids.

Yep. Parents slept in separate bedrooms. Totally normal for me. My dad snored and my mother didn't want to sleep with him. They are still married though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If neither of you are u happy with the arrangement, just keep living your life.

+1

If your home is happy and stable, and if you and your spouse are in agreement... who cares? (Well, other than you). This arrangement sounds like bliss to me.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was in elementary school. They remained living together in the home - I have to assume only due to financial constraints - though in separate bedrooms and on different ends of the house. We did everything together growing up, but my mother would insist on never sitting in the same row in a car as my father or next to him at school events so as not to cause confusion as to the dissolution of their marriage. Roughly 30 years later they are still living this strange limbo of roommates. I think this has been hardest on my father who for no great reason other than he is a good man (mother has unresolved mental health issues that led to the divorce itself) still loves my mother. However, they remain roommates today and that provides them some comfort particularly during a pandemic when there is a built in support system. In sum, my parents are - at least on the surface - still happy with this living arrangement though it is certainly not for every couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sound like my marriage, except we sleep in the same bed without touching. It’s pretty insane. Oh, and we spent so a family thing together on the weekends because his anxiety (which manifests as anger) makes him so miserable to be around.

Why do I stay? Because our kid is 6 and DH is SO moody and so angry all the time that I can’t sentence my kid to 50% of his time outside school alone with someone who gives him the silent treatment or rages at him. When he gets like that now, I try to clear us out of the house.

It’s miserable but I honestly don’t know what else I can do. I lived with a raging, moody, unpredictable mother. He was nothing like this when we dated. But it’s been years now and has y gotten better. I don’t want to live like this and I know it’s not good, but I feel like I’m choosing the least worst of two very bad options. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I am in this exact same position. First, sorry for what you are going through. I know first hand how awful and helpless it can feel. I have nightmares and wake up panicked. Been to so many lawyers and same response. The abuse, while it is abuse with the rages and screaming in child’s face, does not rise to the level where I would be given full custody. Just like you, I couldn’t bear leaving my young children in his care for fear of him flying into a rage without me around to flee the house with them. Pre-COVID the mall and general shopping and restaurants where our sanctuary. Now, it’s just my car and we drive around a lot. Keep them entertained with tablets and music.

I am wish we could connect to swap tips on how to navigate all of this and commiserate. My family wants me to divorce. It’s really a lose lose situation but staying at least keeps me in control of my children’s care and I mostly am able to mitigate, keep them apart when he appears to get angry, and take them away when he blows up.

I see a therapist who supports me a lot and we are also going to couples counseling but while the counselor is great, my husband is abusive and already has thrown some things back in my face about childhood pain I have that came out as part of the counseling sessions. If I can’t fully be honest as requested by the counselor in these sessions, then what is the point?

The reality is, I am only doing marital counseling to buy me more time and pretend that everything is all right. Meanwhile I am slowly preparing for the day I can leave, which will likely be when my youngest can drive and has her own car or when she leaves for college.

I read through these forums that the only hope is that he realizes and admits he is being abusive and participates in group anger therapy long term. Also, he needs to get on the right meds to help. With that, and at least a year if marital therapy, serious apologies, and a long period, as in at least a year of zero angry outbursts, will I ever begin to consider this back on track.

Feel free to create a new post for those of us-stuck in marriage with verbally and emotionally abusive spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was in elementary school. They remained living together in the home - I have to assume only due to financial constraints - though in separate bedrooms and on different ends of the house. We did everything together growing up, but my mother would insist on never sitting in the same row in a car as my father or next to him at school events so as not to cause confusion as to the dissolution of their marriage. Roughly 30 years later they are still living this strange limbo of roommates. I think this has been hardest on my father who for no great reason other than he is a good man (mother has unresolved mental health issues that led to the divorce itself) still loves my mother. However, they remain roommates today and that provides them some comfort particularly during a pandemic when there is a built in support system. In sum, my parents are - at least on the surface - still happy with this living arrangement though it is certainly not for every couple.

Its probably a money issue more than anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have one DS, age 4. DH and I have separate bedrooms and do separate things when DS is asleep. We eat all meals together. On weekends, we do a family activity day: museum, zoo, climbing gym, etc. and we alternate the other weekend day. DH are somewhat physically affectionate to each other in front of DS: back oats, brief hugs. How does something like this play out long-term? So far DS hasn't asked any questions. We don't plan on getting a divorce or moving out until DS it's in his 20s or maybe not at all because we will be very old and tired by then.

It turned out my husband has aspergers. First I thought he was just passive aggressive and had no common sense, then I thought maybe ADHD and anger issues, and finally, he got tested. No ADHd, just autism and a few comorbid issues. Now am stuck with a 5 and 7 yo and need to protect the kids- from all his accidents, lack of care, and possible rage. It sux. But yes, separate rooms, he has terrible habits so it’s better for all.

I typed out a very long response below. I think I was triggered by something you wrote that I used to say to myself. Anyway, this reply isn't 100% directed at you, but rather my thought and another perspective on the matter. TL;DR - I was in your shoes at one point and staying sometimes sucks more than leaving for the majority, but it is usually the most difficult choice for YOU to make as the initiator.


"It is better for all."

How do you really know what is better? It is better for everyone to stay miserable and married for the next 16 years because of school? Suppose your child graduates, has a wonderful career, and meets their future spouse. Now future spouse has to work with disarmingthe emotionally stunted child that never observed authentic intimacy, so that child will never be an adult able to give what you sacrificed in your marriage to their children? They don't have intimacy and explode in response to it, isolating from loved ones. Intimacy isn't found in hugs and back pats. It is in the grit and the glue of a marriage and vulnerability. If you do not have it, you cannot fake it. You cannot mimick it. And it feels intrusive. Is it better to not give up 3000 square feet, and short change another generation in emotional well being, by creating what you were too afraid to walk away from? (I asked these questions of myself at one point)

Or maybe it isn't better for "everyone" when at some point, one of the repressed spouses/parents begins actively deflecting pain and stress in other, unhealthy outlets. Drinking, adultery, gambling, addiction to other negative outlets. Perhaps the spouse becomes a cheater, exposes "all" of us to sexually transmitted infections, or a resulting pregnancy. Or worse, the offending spouse becomes empowered by the inaction, and aggressive enough to throw a ball in your face, smirk at the redness, like a 10-year old child in a vindictive low shot dodge ball game, and stare down your hurt without remorse or regret. Is that really better than 50% custody? Is it better when your children watch you cower and cry, and become angry and bully the child in their class, trying to make sense of it all, until they are suspended and it hits your pockets? Until you lose every sense of self that brought you to love in the first place, is it better then? When their drawings no longer give you joy, when you look past their imaginative play and want to melt into nothingness to escape from the depression, agony, and pain.

I am sorry, love, but what is easy is not always better, and is often more painful than what is difficult. If your spouse is an alcoholic that will not treat their illness, the truth hurts but it is better to walk away, and have the judge order a breathalyzer on the car before s/he drives your child anywhere. Your children are safer, and you are saner than if you are 100% the default parent, without love, ridden with guilt. For material comforts, really. The truth really does hurt because it requires integrity - which requires growth - which is usually uncomfortable.

Sometimes "sucking it up" is being stuck in your fear, and assuming it is for everyone's benefit that you remain stagnant, delaying the inevitable, or creating a different monster of martyrdom we should all bow to. This sounds very insensitive, but I can only speak with this authority and conviction because i have walked in its reign and conquered it. I understand the intention is good, and the selfless giving is strong, and the respect is feared. But the LOVE is not real. YOUR FEAR IS NOT greater than LOVE. Life is very empty without love, even if it is between a parent in child, or two neighbors. We were made to connect, with our free will. Why allow anything to create a barrier to your fulfillment, and your children's right to fulfillment in life, and even your spouse's fulfillment. No one is getting 100% of their desires met anyway. Everyone's capacity for love is different and that is okay. There is enough trouble in the world than to repress love and commit to a 20-year plan of waiting for death. It makes me sad thinking about it.

No, for me, I chose to face my pain directly, look it in the eye, expose the lie, and watch it's power and control over my consciousness diminish and morph into light. Thanks, mom and dad. I hope others are strong enough to get that lesson too with gratitude. It is a hard one but it certainly empowers you in remarkable ways.

I too was afraid of leaving a child in 50% of another adult's care. Then I realized - fear of a possibility was deciding for me. The possibility of difficult change worked to keep me from a higher probability of positive change. I was willing to stay with the devil I knew: tolerating the aggression, the physical intimidation, the distrust and demeaning overtures, the blatant disrespect, lies and manipulative tactics to disadvantage me, the barriers to my empowerment, growth, and happiness and the clear restrictions on areas of my personal power and control.

My spouse's smug satisfaction that seemed to come from witness to my pain kept me frozen and insecure; it affirmed all of the lies that I had chosen to believe about myself. As life went on around me, life died within me. I decided, who cares if the most dreadful thing happens? Is it really so bad? So what if he has 50%? So WHAT if it is hard? This is hard too! So WHAT if it means I could lose everything? We all are born into and depart from this world naked and without possessions. I trusted this spouse enough to build 50% of my child's DNA, and I trust that they can care for 50% of the time for the next X years.

That was really hard to come to terms with. But it was critical for a healthy, supportive exit. I took my 50% and was willing to gladly take his 50%. I also focused on the reminder that protections were built into the "justice" system for my child, against both my spouse and me. Counselors, therapists, police, social workers, they all had the disadvantaged at heart. Ultimately, if my child's safety were truly challenged or threatened, the child would be safe, there was a vast social network through family and friends for support too. I was not completely alone. Identifying new networks for my child, though it looked different to me because i never had a model for it, it helped me that let go of fear. I offered 50/50 custody as afraid and terrified of the worst but determined to give my best 50% and more if I could. Behold, I received sole custody without asking for it. The non-custodial parent takes their child much less than 25% of the time.

It wasn't staying, but rather divorcing as the best thing I did for everyone else, but it was the absolute hardest thing to do for myself. It was marital suicide, and I lost a part of myself in that process. Things got much worse before they got much better. Ultimately, divorce was the healthiest choice that promoted love in everyone's life, and made living differently more joyful. He is still as disenchanted and disillusioned as he has always been, but perhaps a stronger parent since they have to be on the job 100% of the time, and a bit more respectful of me after leaving him; the children are receiving 100% attention from each of us, I am much more fun as a mom when the tupperware containers are organized to my liking and I play whatever music I want. My children are really tuned into their emotions, and have become wonderful support systems for their friends going through crisis; They love in their own way, independently, take risks but are also wise and stable, and can identify destructive patterns, energy, coping mechanisms and establish healthy boundaries; my children have many advocates for their success, more than if we kept all of our family problems cocooned under our roof of horror. The stench of the death in that marriage made the entire structure rot. Requiring family counseling helped with changes from puberty, to dating, to death, or just having a neutral safe place for the children that respected their privacy too, in the new rearranged family structure with our living in different homes and completely divorced.

It sounds kind of tough in parts, because it is. The truth really does hurt. But it also disinfects, and heals, and allows for integrity, and strength, and truly what is best to remain without threat. I hope that every family finds the unique path that really does the greatest good for all. Sometimes new paths can open, or we can lose opportunities to acess the path because of poor decision-making, so timing is critical.

So. When you ask how does this play out long term - I would say, it depends on so much, much more than what you have shared here. But mostly, how this plays out depends on whether your children are exposed to healthy loving homes of integrity, whether one marital home or two split homes. There are many versions of a family, and we all have the free will to structure it in a way that provides the most stable foundation for children and also for us as their sole provider. Only you really know what the right answer is for you and your family. I chose to leave my spouse, and rearrange our family structure, to allow for the growth we will all need long term. The problems are different, but they are manageable and solving them becomes empowering which is a good thing. We are much better functioning now, and the pain is much less for all, just different, but bearable and we continue to grow through life with gratitude.

Your experience and mileage may vary.

Fingers crossed this works for divorcing a neglectful, high functioning autistic narcissistic.... Now diagnosed a third time via court required psych.

[Anonymous]

All I will say….thank god my parents divorced and my dad remarried. I love my stepmother. My mother has issues and I’m glad my dad found a someone that stepped into our lives and molded true love and family…we so desperately needed a mom who was not married to her career and lacked all emotion and want to be a mother.

Not all “steps” are bad and it’s ridiculous to immediately think that way.

[Anonymous]

My patents had separate bedrooms, we’re not physically affectionate, my father would rarely come on vacation with us or to gatherings with my mother’s family, and my mom spoke poorly of my father. I was afraid to have friends over, because I knew it was weird. They never spoke about, which actually made it worse. When my sister and I were teens we actively encouraged my parents to separate because they were miserable and it impacted all of us. Don’t fool yourself- you will definitely f$ck your kid up with this arrangement. It will be confusing and shameful and he’ll know his patents are “different” and then he’ll both resent you for the dysfunction and feel guilty for resenting you, because he will feel bad for you too.