In same house but "separated"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My patents had separate bedrooms, we’re not physically affectionate, my father would rarely come on vacation with us or to gatherings with my mother’s family, and my mom spoke poorly of my father. I was afraid to have friends over, because I knew it was weird. They never spoke about, which actually made it worse. When my sister and I were teens we actively encouraged my parents to separate because they were miserable and it impacted all of us. Don’t fool yourself- you will definitely f$ck your kid up with this arrangement. It will be confusing and shameful and he’ll know his patents are “different” and then he’ll both resent you for the dysfunction and feel guilty for resenting you, because he will feel bad for you too.

PP. sorry for all the typos. On my phone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sound like my marriage, except we sleep in the same bed without touching. It’s pretty insane. Oh, and we spent so a family thing together on the weekends because his anxiety (which manifests as anger) makes him so miserable to be around.

Why do I stay? Because our kid is 6 and DH is SO moody and so angry all the time that I can’t sentence my kid to 50% of his time outside school alone with someone who gives him the silent treatment or rages at him. When he gets like that now, I try to clear us out of the house.

It’s miserable but I honestly don’t know what else I can do. I lived with a raging, moody, unpredictable mother. He was nothing like this when we dated. But it’s been years now and has y gotten better. I don’t want to live like this and I know it’s not good, but I feel like I’m choosing the least worst of two very bad options. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I am in this exact same position. First, sorry for what you are going through. I know first hand how awful and helpless it can feel. I have nightmares and wake up panicked. Been to so many lawyers and same response. The abuse, while it is abuse with the rages and screaming in child’s face, does not rise to the level where I would be given full custody. Just like you, I couldn’t bear leaving my young children in his care for fear of him flying into a rage without me around to flee the house with them. Pre-COVID the mall and general shopping and restaurants where our sanctuary. Now, it’s just my car and we drive around a lot. Keep them entertained with tablets and music.

I am wish we could connect to swap tips on how to navigate all of this and commiserate. My family wants me to divorce. It’s really a lose lose situation but staying at least keeps me in control of my children’s care and I mostly am able to mitigate, keep them apart when he appears to get angry, and take them away when he blows up.

I see a therapist who supports me a lot and we are also going to couples counseling but while the counselor is great, my husband is abusive and already has thrown some things back in my face about childhood pain I have that came out as part of the counseling sessions. If I can’t fully be honest as requested by the counselor in these sessions, then what is the point?

The reality is, I am only doing marital counseling to buy me more time and pretend that everything is all right. Meanwhile I am slowly preparing for the day I can leave, which will likely be when my youngest can drive and has her own car or when she leaves for college.

I read through these forums that the only hope is that he realizes and admits he is being abusive and participates in group anger therapy long term. Also, he needs to get on the right meds to help. With that, and at least a year if marital therapy, serious apologies, and a long period, as in at least a year of zero angry outbursts, will I ever begin to consider this back on track.

Feel free to create a new post for those of us-stuck in marriage with verbally and emotionally abusive spouse

Man, what is wrong with the Family Court system. Sounds like a nightmare that rarely puts the CHILD's needs first. THere must be a list miles long of terrible treatment of children, accidents or worse, general neglect all in the name of letting a negligent or unhealthy parent be a co-parent unsupervised. How terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:kids will figure this out in an instant

Or, DS will think that's what a real marriage looks like and will end up disappointing some poor woman in 25 years

[Anonymous]

This will not work long term.

I left my ex when our daughter was just under a year. I knew it was the right thing to do, but at the same time was very scared to do it and so glad I did. And I strongly believe the longer you wait, the worse and more disruptive it will be for the child.

And to those thinking they don't want their spouse to have their kid 50%...most of the times, it's not even followed. I'm willing to bet one parent doesn't want the kid 50%- someone always wants less whether or not they admit it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This will not work long term.

I left my ex when our daughter was just under a year. I knew it was the right thing to do, but at the same time was very scared to do it and so glad I did. And I strongly believe the longer you wait, the worse and more disruptive it will be for the child.

And to those thinking they don't want their spouse to have their kid 50%...most of the times, it's not even followed. I'm willing to bet one parent doesn't want the kid 50%- someone always wants less whether or not they admit it.

50/50 is followed strictly in all cases I know...including mine. You are an anomaly...and that is because you separated when your child was a baby. That is why. If kids are older, 50/50 happens.

[Anonymous]

This sounds insane. What's the real reason? Is it because you cannot afford to live separately?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds insane. What's the real reason? Is it because you cannot afford to live separately?

Not the OP, but in a very, very similar situation.

It's not so bad. I mean, it's not great, but it seems absolutely better than the alternative. Living seperately would be extremely challenging financially. And just as challenging logistically. With two small kids, it's hard enough to care for them, get them to/from daycare, handle medical visits and sick days, etc., with two parents in the same house. I simply can't fathom the logistics of handling the kids seperated. I have no doubt it would be a far worse situation than what we're currently in.

Again, it's not that bad. I think we approach things with the kids as a team. And after a particularly rough patch, I think we've come to an understanding and don't really fight anymore. We just do stuff with the kids together, and otherwise go our separate ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds insane. What's the real reason? Is it because you cannot afford to live separately?

Not the OP, but in a very, very similar situation.

It's not so bad. I mean, it's not great, but it seems absolutely better than the alternative. Living seperately would be extremely challenging financially. And just as challenging logistically. With two small kids, it's hard enough to care for them, get them to/from daycare, handle medical visits and sick days, etc., with two parents in the same house. I simply can't fathom the logistics of handling the kids seperated. I have no doubt it would be a far worse situation than what we're currently in.

Again, it's not that bad. I think we approach things with the kids as a team. And after a particularly rough patch, I think we've come to an understanding and don't really fight anymore. We just do stuff with the kids together, and otherwise go our separate ways.

Same situation here, it's just not worth the hassle to divorce at this point.
We both date too; it's possible to have needs met in multiple ways without doing damage to your children...it just requires a bit of thinking outside of boxes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:kids will figure this out in an instant

Or, DS will think that's what a real marriage looks like and will end up disappointing some poor woman in 25 years

Hopefully not FOR almost 20 years (!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds insane. What's the real reason? Is it because you cannot afford to live separately?

Not the OP, but in a very, very similar situation.

It's not so bad. I mean, it's not great, but it seems absolutely better than the alternative. Living seperately would be extremely challenging financially. And just as challenging logistically. With two small kids, it's hard enough to care for them, get them to/from daycare, handle medical visits and sick days, etc., with two parents in the same house. I simply can't fathom the logistics of handling the kids seperated. I have no doubt it would be a far worse situation than what we're currently in.

Again, it's not that bad. I think we approach things with the kids as a team. And after a particularly rough patch, I think we've come to an understanding and don't really fight anymore. We just do stuff with the kids together, and otherwise go our separate ways.

Same situation here, it's just not worth the hassle to divorce at this point.
We both date too; it's possible to have needs met in multiple ways without doing damage to your children...it just requires a bit of thinking outside of boxes.

I'm in a similar situation (separated but living in the same house) and would really like to know how you find dates. Do you and your spouse find dates in real life? If you use dating apps, aren't you concerned that your coworkers/acquaintances may see your photos and thought you were cheating while still living with your spouse? Or do all your acquaintances know your exact situation? I am female, if it matters.

[Anonymous]

This is so hard to understand. If you don’t have much conflict, you both love your child, and you like each other enough to give hugs (!)…what is wrong? I mean, at some point you loved this person enough to want to spend the rest of your life with them, they gave you orgasms and made you laugh. What happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so hard to understand. If you don’t have much conflict, you both love your child, and you like each other enough to give hugs (!)…what is wrong? I mean, at some point you loved this person enough to want to spend the rest of your life with them, they gave you orgasms and made you laugh. What happened?

Some people get married and never really had those things. Nothing "happened"; the marriage was a mistake to begin with. I hate when people assume all marriages were happy unions. No...sometimes you don't know what are you getting into until you are in it.