In same house but "separated"

[Anonymous]

This will work great until one of you meets someone else. Then the other one will be livid that your perfect family charade is shattering. If you want to separate, get a divorce and keep it civil. If you wait until one of you files because they fell in love, there will be anger and your cooparenting relationship will be strained. That’s much harder for your kid.

[Anonymous]

My friend and her husband did this. He actually moved into the basement and hey lived like married roommates. It was all their kids had ever known. They lived cordially and didn't bring any other partners home. It worked fine until their kids were tweens / teens - then they realized that this is really abnormal for a married couple. Once the kids became aware and the process of trying to co-parent teens, it actually was harder for them to maintain their amicable / cordial relationship and they bickered more / got on each others nerves more.

Their kids finally came to them and said they wanted them to get divorced and live their own lives. That they felt really responsible that they were staying together for the kids and they didn't want either parent to give up happiness for them. They split up and divorced. It ended up being really hard on the kids who were all teens. It led to about 5 years of horribleness with the kids really reacting / struggling / acting out. Neither parent got into a relationship during that time anyways as the teens needed all their resources and time and energy. There was a lot of resentment between my friend and her ex and my friend felt her ex was being too lenient and he felt she was being too strict. Co-parenting from two separate homes was much harder than co-parenting together from the same home.

Now all three kids are in their mid twenties and both my friend and ad her ex are in stable long term relationships. My friend still has a lot of resentment as she feels she carried the weight of the world and stress during those 5 really rough years and found them quite traumatic. She feels her ex came out of it much less damaged and burdened than she did. She also feels he got to have more fun with the kids than she did. The kids are still close to both parents and I know my friend resents that the kids see them as equal parents when she feels she took on most of the work and pain that came with their teen years. She had thought that as adults they would see her ex differently and as the lazy, fun parent that she saw him as but they haven't.

[Anonymous]

Sounds very twisted. NOT in your childs best interest.

Divorce while you are young. This marriage did not work out. Not ideal, but you can't pretend otherwise.

You are young, and might be able to give your child the chance to grow up in a healthy, happy family (which is not what you have now. ) Stop playing house. It will undoubtedly damage your child far more than an amicable divorce (perhaps followed by loving marriages with others).

[Anonymous]

Just divorce and give each other freedom. Live as roommates if you like and co-parent, but be free to date and be open about that with your kid. It’ll be hard, but planning to keep up a charade (and lying to your kid?) for the next 16+ years is nuts. Your kid is young and will adapt. If you and your partner are truly committed to living an alternative lifestyle like this, just fully go for it.

[Anonymous]

Just know that this isn't a legal separation. In order to be legally separated but live in the same house, you don't have meals together, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:kids will figure this out in an instant

I have been doing this since pregnancy accident. That was 8 years ago. Kid does not know any different but we are getting a divorce. Many things made this unsustainable and no longer willing to be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Np this is our arrangement
They're called marriages of convenience and they date back to the days of marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wouldn't pretend to be anything other than what you are. Don't even know why you and your husband feel the need to be married. Your kid doesn't care about that. Your kid cares about time with parents. Co-parenting is fun and easy. I've done the living together thing during separation and it worked great! But we did not pretend in front of the kids to have a romantic relationship. We're friends first, always have been. Our kids have turned out very well. We've been co-parenting for years. We make our own rules and do things according to what works for us as a family.

We don't pretend anything. We're not romantically involved, and I'm not even sure how people pretend this? We do say we love each other but platonic family members do that too. I like the idea of making your own rules for your family

[Anonymous]

One advocate for marriages of convenience: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/marriage-30/201203/is-marriage-convenience-so-bad

[Anonymous]

As others have said, this isn’t a legal separation. That’s worth noting should one of you incur expensives, frivolous or otherwise. The world will judge you both if either of you seeks out romantic or sexual partners. Nobody cares about a reputation… until they need or want to get it back.

While it’s true you can make your own rules for your family, nobody including your husband has to live by them. He is free to say “I would love to be in a relationship where the woman I am with holds my hand while we take Billy to look at Christmas lights” just as you are allowed to do.

Know that other families may distance themselves from you. Nobody has to live in a marriage of convenience, just as nobody has to watch a loved one die or suffer from a curable and/or preventable disease. I’d judge someone for staying in such a marriage, just as I’d judge someone for failure to seek out appropriate medical care.


Don’t underestimate what the lack of appropriate healthy adult affection can do to you (and your husband) emotionally, physically and mentally. Don’t underestimate what “discreet” affairs can do to you, and be sure that people will know or suspect. Again, none of this may matter to you until you start to see its impact.


Think about what you wanted as a little girl or teenager, and then make it happen. I can guarantee you it wasn’t what you have, or you’d not have been looking to justify it to a bunch of randoms on the internet.

I’d either fix the marriage, or I’d separate legally. You can do this in-house, though it must be documented with appropriate paperwork, and officials, just as your marriage needed to be appropriately documented. You can no more “separate in-house” then you could say “We’re married” with no wedding ceremony officiated by a legitimate authority. Use the same procedures you did for marrying and separate if that’s what you’d like to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This will work great until one of you meets someone else. Then the other one will be livid that your perfect family charade is shattering. If you want to separate, get a divorce and keep it civil. If you wait until one of you files because they fell in love, there will be anger and your cooparenting relationship will be strained. That’s much harder for your kid.

Not everybody is desperate to add more complications to their life or care if their STBX finds love.

OTOH, I wish my spouse would find somebody and move out, but until then we are committed to our children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have one DS, age 4. DH and I have separate bedrooms and do separate things when DS is asleep. We eat all meals together. On weekends, we do a family activity day: museum, zoo, climbing gym, etc. and we alternate the other weekend day. DH are somewhat physically affectionate to each other in front of DS: back oats, brief hugs. How does something like this play out long-term? So far DS hasn't asked any questions. We don't plan on getting a divorce or moving out until DS it's in his 20s or maybe not at all because we will be very old and tired by then.

This is our relationship. It works for us. We have occasional sex (4-6x/year)

[Anonymous]

He’s 4. He probably hasn’t noticed anything yet, but he will in time. I divorced when my youngest was 4 and he has no issues with it. He doesn’t even really do the “I wish we were a family thing”. He’s never known different. I’m the child of divorce too- my parents divorced when I was 2. No issues there either. Both were present and loving, so it is what it is.

I will say that every person I know who’s parents divorced when they were teens and older had a terrible time with the divorce. There is a sense of anger and betrayal that they feel that is super intense. This is especially true when they feel that one or both parents lied to them to “play house” and then separated after HS/college/the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Why would you do this to your child? This is not benefiting him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friends whose parents lived separately were miserable as teenagers. Both parents have now remarried, after divorcing finally when kids were adults. Now One child is in her thirties, other is in his forties, neither is married. I think the younger one is at least happy and living a good life. The older one has struggled with anger issues and relationships and career. There is no doubt that their parents’ dysfunctional relationship affected him deeply.

^^This.