In same house but "separated"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have one DS, age 4. DH and I have separate bedrooms and do separate things when DS is asleep. We eat all meals together. On weekends, we do a family activity day: museum, zoo, climbing gym, etc. and we alternate the other weekend day. DH are somewhat physically affectionate to each other in front of DS: back oats, brief hugs. How does something like this play out long-term? So far DS hasn't asked any questions. We don't plan on getting a divorce or moving out until DS it's in his 20s or maybe not at all because we will be very old and tired by then.

So you're friends in front of your kid. What happens when he gets older and actually notices you don't seem to like each other much? Have you tried to repair the marriage?

I didn't say we don't like each other much. He's a good dad and a good person. We've done a lot of couples counseling and individual counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have one DS, age 4. DH and I have separate bedrooms and do separate things when DS is asleep. We eat all meals together. On weekends, we do a family activity day: museum, zoo, climbing gym, etc. and we alternate the other weekend day. DH are somewhat physically affectionate to each other in front of DS: back oats, brief hugs. How does something like this play out long-term? So far DS hasn't asked any questions. We don't plan on getting a divorce or moving out until DS it's in his 20s or maybe not at all because we will be very old and tired by then.

So you're friends in front of your kid. What happens when he gets older and actually notices you don't seem to like each other much? Have you tried to repair the marriage?

I didn't say we don't like each other much. He's a good dad and a good person. We've done a lot of couples counseling and individual counseling.

Right. But you don’t like each other as spouses which is the core issue. And something your DS will figure out, if he hasn’t already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought you would say out of HS at most, but you said 20s.

I'd personally prefer high school but think it's be nice for our son to come home to a place he knows when visiting from college or here for the summer

[Anonymous]

Sound like my marriage, except we sleep in the same bed without touching. It’s pretty insane. Oh, and we spent so a family thing together on the weekends because his anxiety (which manifests as anger) makes him so miserable to be around.

Why do I stay? Because our kid is 6 and DH is SO moody and so angry all the time that I can’t sentence my kid to 50% of his time outside school alone with someone who gives him the silent treatment or rages at him. When he gets like that now, I try to clear us out of the house.

It’s miserable but I honestly don’t know what else I can do. I lived with a raging, moody, unpredictable mother. He was nothing like this when we dated. But it’s been years now and has y gotten better. I don’t want to live like this and I know it’s not good, but I feel like I’m choosing the least worst of two very bad options. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

[Anonymous]

What are you modeling for your children? I have a friend who said she felt her childhood was a big lie because her parents had a relationship like yours. She said her parents told them they were separating when they were teens. Her parents never actually lived in seperate residences but are not together. The seperation was a shock. She had a lot of anxiety about marrying.

[Anonymous]

Op, WHY exactly are you divorcing then??

I don't understand why you've got this whole charade going of being separated but living together, especially when you get along, he's a great dad & you enjoy spending time together... yet no sex for the next 20 years??

WHY ARE YOU SEPARATED??

You have GOT to give us a bit more background, especially if you want us to give you an honest opinion.

WHAT HAPPENED??
WHO INITIATED THIS ARRANGEMENT?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, WHY exactly are you divorcing then??

I don't understand why you've got this whole charade going of being separated but living together, especially when you get along, he's a great dad & you enjoy spending time together... yet no sex for the next 20 years??

WHY ARE YOU SEPARATED??

You have GOT to give us a bit more background, especially if you want us to give you an honest opinion.

WHAT HAPPENED??
WHO INITIATED THIS ARRANGEMENT?

Not the auynor. But I'm in the same situation. Sometimes people don't want to be together but love their kid. Sometimes they don't want to be with anybody else. You don't need to know anything else about the OP.

[Anonymous]

NP. We're in the same position. But we're separated (in separate bedrooms, no sex) in the same house because I found out he was drinking again. We're working on things, but he's in rehab right now, doing AA, trying (I think) to find a job, and tackling his debilitating depression with a new therapist who is apparently really great. If he can get his shi!t together and FIND A JOB, then I'll be more amenable to a reunion. But I can't imagine being married to a guy who is unemployable (with his several advanced degrees, including a PhD) due to depression and alcohol abuse.

But OP, I get where you are. We have two small kids, one of whom is severely disabled. Life would be much harder in many ways if we got divorced. But I can't imagine the separate bedrooms/separate lives thing going on for another 18+ years.

[Anonymous]

Fine as long as you don't out yourselves into the dating pool and lie to us about being "separated." Several friends have wasted 1+ years with "soon to be separated/ divorced" lovers before they wised up. (Me too but now I will cut them off after a month of lies.)

[Anonymous]

In threads like this it’s really hard for responders to understand that for some of us, sex isn’t that big of a deal. It’s not. So yes- we are separated in the same house. We are nice to each other- but not in a marriage relationship.
I have a low sex drive so it’s honestly easier this way. Sex with H was never good or respectful. I have brought up divorce, but he doesn’t want it. He knows this is the arrangement/deal and can plan accordingly. Now, if he is missing sex he can honestly do whatever. Find it on the side, initiate a divorce ect.?

[Anonymous]

This cannot work for next 16 years! Unhealthy for all concerned. Just get a divorce and get a life!

[Anonymous]

This is my parents' marriage. My brother and I are in our 40s and we both expected they'd have divorced years ago but at this point I think it's just their normal and neither sees a reason to change it. They have totally different friends and social lives and have since we were kids. Really, it's more like they are housemates than a married couple. They rarely do anything together outside the home and even make separate meals when they are both in the house at the same time. They are aware of where the other is (I'll call and my mom will almost always know where my dad is if he's out) but feel no need to include the other one.

I have no idea what effect it had on us in terms of "learning about healthy relationships." I'm divorced and remarried, my brother just celebrated 10 years with my SIL. I will say that it was always an awkward thing when we were kids, especially as teens. My parents made no secret of having different bedrooms and they often used us as communication tools because they didn't interact much. So when friends were over it was pretty clear that things at my house were unusual and I was sensitive about that. And for sure it was obvious that, at least back then, they were staying together out of some sense of duty to us, which always felt like a burden. I used to hope they'd divorce just so I wouldn't feel guilty that they were stuck together because of me. So I guess in that way it did have a negative impact on my childhood.

[Anonymous]

I don't think any of the commenters so far are "separated in place" according to the Virginia legal rules for doing so. If that matters to you - i.e., you want it to count as a "year of separation" for divorce purposes - you need to look closely at those rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have one DS, age 4. DH and I have separate bedrooms and do separate things when DS is asleep. We eat all meals together. On weekends, we do a family activity day: museum, zoo, climbing gym, etc. and we alternate the other weekend day. DH are somewhat physically affectionate to each other in front of DS: back oats, brief hugs. How does something like this play out long-term? So far DS hasn't asked any questions. We don't plan on getting a divorce or moving out until DS it's in his 20s or maybe not at all because we will be very old and tired by then.

So you're friends in front of your kid. What happens when he gets older and actually notices you don't seem to like each other much? Have you tried to repair the marriage?

Meh. I had three years of sleeping separately, not being affectionate, never doing any non-family things, and my kids didn't even notice. Thus they were completely shocked when we announced I was moving out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have one DS, age 4. DH and I have separate bedrooms and do separate things when DS is asleep. We eat all meals together. On weekends, we do a family activity day: museum, zoo, climbing gym, etc. and we alternate the other weekend day. DH are somewhat physically affectionate to each other in front of DS: back oats, brief hugs. How does something like this play out long-term? So far DS hasn't asked any questions. We don't plan on getting a divorce or moving out until DS it's in his 20s or maybe not at all because we will be very old and tired by then.

So you're friends in front of your kid. What happens when he gets older and actually notices you don't seem to like each other much? Have you tried to repair the marriage?

I didn't say we don't like each other much. He's a good dad and a good person. We've done a lot of couples counseling and individual counseling.

What's the alternative? I see most 2nd marriages and it's a mess. You'll have to deal with steps and who knows what influences will be around your kids. Just look around at the 40 and over crowd.