In same house but "separated"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:kids will figure this out in an instant

And realize mature adults often put their needs 2nd for their child... good.

Doesn't work long term. Kids are not stupid. Tension creates major anxiety in kids. Wait til they are teens. It's very rare for this to work long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:kids will figure this out in an instant

And realize mature adults often put their needs 2nd for their child... good.

Doesn't work long term. Kids are not stupid. Tension creates major anxiety in kids. Wait til they are teens. It's very rare for this to work long term.

If there were fighting or had contempt for each other, yeah, but according to OP there isn't tension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:kids will figure this out in an instant

And realize mature adults often put their needs 2nd for their child... good.

Doesn't work long term. Kids are not stupid. Tension creates major anxiety in kids. Wait til they are teens. It's very rare for this to work long term.

If there were fighting or had contempt for each other, yeah, but according to OP there isn't tension.

OP thinks that for the next 16 years there will be no fighting or contempt? They must be Casper and Mildred Milquetoast!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my actual marriage.

yes. and we consider oursleves marraied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sound like my marriage, except we sleep in the same bed without touching. It’s pretty insane. Oh, and we spent so a family thing together on the weekends because his anxiety (which manifests as anger) makes him so miserable to be around.

Why do I stay? Because our kid is 6 and DH is SO moody and so angry all the time that I can’t sentence my kid to 50% of his time outside school alone with someone who gives him the silent treatment or rages at him. When he gets like that now, I try to clear us out of the house.

It’s miserable but I honestly don’t know what else I can do. I lived with a raging, moody, unpredictable mother. He was nothing like this when we dated. But it’s been years now and has y gotten better. I don’t want to live like this and I know it’s not good, but I feel like I’m choosing the least worst of two very bad options. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Sounds like your husband has undiagnosed ASD, what you are going through seems pretty typical for such a relationship
check this site https://theneurotypical.com/testimonials.php

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sound like my marriage, except we sleep in the same bed without touching. It’s pretty insane. Oh, and we spent so a family thing together on the weekends because his anxiety (which manifests as anger) makes him so miserable to be around.

Why do I stay? Because our kid is 6 and DH is SO moody and so angry all the time that I can’t sentence my kid to 50% of his time outside school alone with someone who gives him the silent treatment or rages at him. When he gets like that now, I try to clear us out of the house.

It’s miserable but I honestly don’t know what else I can do. I lived with a raging, moody, unpredictable mother. He was nothing like this when we dated. But it’s been years now and has y gotten better. I don’t want to live like this and I know it’s not good, but I feel like I’m choosing the least worst of two very bad options. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Sounds like your husband has undiagnosed ASD, what you are going through seems pretty typical for such a relationship
check this site https://theneurotypical.com/testimonials.php

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/spectrum-solutions/201006/what-everybody-ought-know-about-aspergers-and-marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:kids will figure this out in an instant

And realize mature adults often put their needs 2nd for their child... good.

Doesn't work long term. Kids are not stupid. Tension creates major anxiety in kids. Wait til they are teens. It's very rare for this to work long term.

It might work actually. It depends how committed parents are to keeping any conflict hidden from kids. Then one day kids will learn
that their parents split and they will be totally confused and brokenhearted wondering what happened because there were NO SIGNS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have one DS, age 4. DH and I have separate bedrooms and do separate things when DS is asleep. We eat all meals together. On weekends, we do a family activity day: museum, zoo, climbing gym, etc. and we alternate the other weekend day. DH are somewhat physically affectionate to each other in front of DS: back oats, brief hugs. How does something like this play out long-term? So far DS hasn't asked any questions. We don't plan on getting a divorce or moving out until DS it's in his 20s or maybe not at all because we will be very old and tired by then.

This will work until it doesn’t. It may last until he is out of the house or it may not. Have a plan now. Agree to things now, while you are working together and both sign it. I have seen this work until one or the other meets someone and then they want out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think any of the commenters so far are "separated in place" according to the Virginia legal rules for doing so. If that matters to you - i.e., you want it to count as a "year of separation" for divorce purposes - you need to look closely at those rules.

Yes.

I don't think this needs to carry on until he's in his 20's. One of you might eventually want to move out.

I've had friends do this for six months or so, until the spouse moving out found a new home close by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:kids will figure this out in an instant

And realize mature adults often put their needs 2nd for their child... good.

Doesn't work long term. Kids are not stupid. Tension creates major anxiety in kids. Wait til they are teens. It's very rare for this to work long term.

If there were fighting or had contempt for each other, yeah, but according to OP there isn't tension.

OP thinks that for the next 16 years there will be no fighting or contempt? They must be Casper and Mildred Milquetoast!

OP here. There's the usual tension that exists in any family / cohabitation relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have one DS, age 4. DH and I have separate bedrooms and do separate things when DS is asleep. We eat all meals together. On weekends, we do a family activity day: museum, zoo, climbing gym, etc. and we alternate the other weekend day. DH are somewhat physically affectionate to each other in front of DS: back oats, brief hugs. How does something like this play out long-term? So far DS hasn't asked any questions. We don't plan on getting a divorce or moving out until DS it's in his 20s or maybe not at all because we will be very old and tired by then.

This will work until it doesn’t. It may last until he is out of the house or it may not. Have a plan now. Agree to things now, while you are working together and both sign it. I have seen this work until one or the other meets someone and then they want out.

+1 Unless both of you are asexual and aromantic, it's unlikely that this configuration will work longterm, because one or both of you are going to meet someone. Would you still be able to keep this living arrangement if other partners come into the picture?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sound like my marriage, except we sleep in the same bed without touching. It’s pretty insane. Oh, and we spent so a family thing together on the weekends because his anxiety (which manifests as anger) makes him so miserable to be around.

Why do I stay? Because our kid is 6 and DH is SO moody and so angry all the time that I can’t sentence my kid to 50% of his time outside school alone with someone who gives him the silent treatment or rages at him. When he gets like that now, I try to clear us out of the house.

It’s miserable but I honestly don’t know what else I can do. I lived with a raging, moody, unpredictable mother. He was nothing like this when we dated. But it’s been years now and has y gotten better. I don’t want to live like this and I know it’s not good, but I feel like I’m choosing the least worst of two very bad options. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Sounds like your husband has undiagnosed ASD, what you are going through seems pretty typical for such a relationship
check this site https://theneurotypical.com/testimonials.php

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/spectrum-solutions/201006/what-everybody-ought-know-about-aspergers-and-marriage

Pp with the itchy ASD trigger finger. Not every male who is moody and angry is on the spectrum.

[Anonymous]

We've been living separate for years for the most part, but now it's a real separation for divorce. The kids don't really care what your relationship is, but it comes out in ways affecting their behavior. They pick up bad habits seeing behavior modeled that is not normal, which isn't good for them in the long run.

[Anonymous]

I honestly think you should do whatever works for you, within reason.
My parents stayed together while my mom was crazy, dad codependent, and I was hoping for him to man up and divorce her crazy ass and take us with him.
I have separated and I am thriving, it was too much tension to stay together. But maybe our kid wants us back together?
Sometimes it is hard to guess what kids want and what is best for them (provided that all options are more or less healthy). You have to make a decision you think is best, and then just wait for it to play out.
Let life decide for you. You will either stay together or separate. Time will tell.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wouldn't pretend to be anything other than what you are. Don't even know why you and your husband feel the need to be married. Your kid doesn't care about that. Your kid cares about time with parents. Co-parenting is fun and easy. I've done the living together thing during separation and it worked great! But we did not pretend in front of the kids to have a romantic relationship. We're friends first, always have been. Our kids have turned out very well. We've been co-parenting for years. We make our own rules and do things according to what works for us as a family.