In same house but "separated"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you’re not planning on having a normal adult, mature, romantic relationship for the next 16 or so years. Is that correct? You’re just going to be roommates with your child’s father and not connect with any other men for the next two decades.

Seriously! This is nuts. The poor kid is going to be more f***ed up from watching this clown show than from divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sound like my marriage, except we sleep in the same bed without touching. It’s pretty insane. Oh, and we spent so a family thing together on the weekends because his anxiety (which manifests as anger) makes him so miserable to be around.

Why do I stay? Because our kid is 6 and DH is SO moody and so angry all the time that I can’t sentence my kid to 50% of his time outside school alone with someone who gives him the silent treatment or rages at him. When he gets like that now, I try to clear us out of the house.

It’s miserable but I honestly don’t know what else I can do. I lived with a raging, moody, unpredictable mother. He was nothing like this when we dated. But it’s been years now and has y gotten better. I don’t want to live like this and I know it’s not good, but I feel like I’m choosing the least worst of two very bad options. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I mean, has it occurred to you that DH is moody and angry because he’s trapped in this dysfunctional “marriage” where he shares a bed with a roommate and probably gets no sex. Willing to bet that despite that he also gets questioned on his whereabouts and doings and everything else. What’s NOT to be moody about!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sound like my marriage, except we sleep in the same bed without touching. It’s pretty insane. Oh, and we spent so a family thing together on the weekends because his anxiety (which manifests as anger) makes him so miserable to be around.

Why do I stay? Because our kid is 6 and DH is SO moody and so angry all the time that I can’t sentence my kid to 50% of his time outside school alone with someone who gives him the silent treatment or rages at him. When he gets like that now, I try to clear us out of the house.

It’s miserable but I honestly don’t know what else I can do. I lived with a raging, moody, unpredictable mother. He was nothing like this when we dated. But it’s been years now and has y gotten better. I don’t want to live like this and I know it’s not good, but I feel like I’m choosing the least worst of two very bad options. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I am in this EXACT situation. Supposedly he got better after a medical diagnosis and got treatment. We them had a second thinking he was better but about a year later, after new baby, same raging and anger. Oldest is 7, youngest is 3 and he really has no patience for youngest. I dread leaving children with him for long periods of time. Instead when needed, I send them on errands because he won’t be mean in public. He’s not always awful. Sometimes he can be great with the kids but you never know when or what will set him off.

He reached a new low two days ago. He three a ball at me in anger and it hit me on the head. I froze and after I yelled at him he said he would do it again. He was angry over a simple discussion. He just switched from normal concession about paint to super angry.

I screamed at him and took the kids upstairs and went straight to bed. Slept with my older child. Next morning went to police station to report it and it was a waste of time becoming I appeared “fine.” Plus, I can’t trigger the whole Protective order thing until I am ready to leave him and I am not because I dread my children alone with him. So I am stuck like you. I’m sorry you are also in this situation. It is torture. Hang in there. Eventually our kids will be old enough to hopefully have the courts listen to their wishes and have them stay with us 100% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend and her husband did this. He actually moved into the basement and hey lived like married roommates. It was all their kids had ever known. They lived cordially and didn't bring any other partners home. It worked fine until their kids were tweens / teens - then they realized that this is really abnormal for a married couple. Once the kids became aware and the process of trying to co-parent teens, it actually was harder for them to maintain their amicable / cordial relationship and they bickered more / got on each others nerves more.

Their kids finally came to them and said they wanted them to get divorced and live their own lives. That they felt really responsible that they were staying together for the kids and they didn't want either parent to give up happiness for them. They split up and divorced. It ended up being really hard on the kids who were all teens. It led to about 5 years of horribleness with the kids really reacting / struggling / acting out. Neither parent got into a relationship during that time anyways as the teens needed all their resources and time and energy. There was a lot of resentment between my friend and her ex and my friend felt her ex was being too lenient and he felt she was being too strict. Co-parenting from two separate homes was much harder than co-parenting together from the same home.

Now all three kids are in their mid twenties and both my friend and ad her ex are in stable long term relationships. My friend still has a lot of resentment as she feels she carried the weight of the world and stress during those 5 really rough years and found them quite traumatic. She feels her ex came out of it much less damaged and burdened than she did. She also feels he got to have more fun with the kids than she did. The kids are still close to both parents and I know my friend resents that the kids see them as equal parents when she feels she took on most of the work and pain that came with their teen years. She had thought that as adults they would see her ex differently and as the lazy, fun parent that she saw him as but they haven't.

Your friend needs to accept responsibility for her actions during this period. The weight and stress she carried were due to her choices. The kids don’t resent the father because they needed someone to love them while they struggled and not yank their leash back every time they made a bad choice. You’re friend is in for a long miserable life if she doesn’t seek therapy to accept her role and put things behind her. As adults, what her kids will see is that mom is and was the problem, whereas Dad is and was the one to love them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my actual marriage.

Yeah, I don't think the kid will notice it's not a "proper" marriage.

[Anonymous]

NP. For the PPs saying it's not a legal separation, that's not necessarily true. I lived this way for 2 years (meals and some family activities together, some shared finances, separate sleeping areas and no sex) and when we got to the divorce hearing the judge clearly stated that our shared activities were for the benefit of DS and not an indication of still being married.

Granted, this is in DC and it was by mutual consent, which I realize is much more easily obtained than in Virginia or Maryland.

Long story short, I could have probably continued living that way for a while, but I'm very glad I don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have one DS, age 4. DH and I have separate bedrooms and do separate things when DS is asleep. We eat all meals together. On weekends, we do a family activity day: museum, zoo, climbing gym, etc. and we alternate the other weekend day. DH are somewhat physically affectionate to each other in front of DS: back oats, brief hugs. How does something like this play out long-term? So far DS hasn't asked any questions. We don't plan on getting a divorce or moving out until DS it's in his 20s or maybe not at all because we will be very old and tired by then.

It turned out my husband has aspergers. First I thought he was just passive aggressive and had no common sense, then I thought maybe ADHD and anger issues, and finally he got tested. No ADHd, just autism and a few comorbid issues. Now am stuck with a 5 and 7 yo and need to protect the kids- from all his accidents, lack of care, and possible rage. It sux. But yes, separate rooms, he has terrible habits so it’s better for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. For the PPs saying it's not a legal separation, that's not necessarily true. I lived this way for 2 years (meals and some family activities together, some shared finances, separate sleeping areas and no sex) and when we got to the divorce hearing the judge clearly stated that our shared activities were for the benefit of DS and not an indication of still being married.

Granted, this is in DC and it was by mutual consent, which I realize is much more easily obtained than in Virginia or Maryland.

Long story short, I could have probably continued living that way for a while, but I'm very glad I don't.

Agree.

The indication of being married is absolutely arguable. Especially depending on divorce claim (Fault/At-Fault, etc). Maryland no longer requires the same terms of separation for divorce. And Virginia honors in house separations. The court does not always grant legal separations, in my state, a legal separation begins when both parties begin to live apart and never cohabitate again. There are times when this can happen while two spouses reside under the same roof, and is considered as living as arguably separated. For example, you are married, you both live in the same home with kids, but rotate schedules for care, barely see each other, buying your own food, preparing your own meals, living in separate rooms, not having sex, doing your own laundry, etc.. If you do some digging there is info about the parameters that apply to what OP is asking about. Check (and ensure you are obtaining legal counsel from someone) based on your court's locality. Speak with an attorney for a 30-minute consult in the location of the court, ensure they are licensed there and familiar with the procedure. It can vary and frequently change over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have one DS, age 4. DH and I have separate bedrooms and do separate things when DS is asleep. We eat all meals together. On weekends, we do a family activity day: museum, zoo, climbing gym, etc. and we alternate the other weekend day. DH are somewhat physically affectionate to each other in front of DS: back oats, brief hugs. How does something like this play out long-term? So far DS hasn't asked any questions. We don't plan on getting a divorce or moving out until DS it's in his 20s or maybe not at all because we will be very old and tired by then.

It turned out my husband has aspergers. First I thought he was just passive aggressive and had no common sense, then I thought maybe ADHD and anger issues, and finally, he got tested. No ADHd, just autism and a few comorbid issues. Now am stuck with a 5 and 7 yo and need to protect the kids- from all his accidents, lack of care, and possible rage. It sux. But yes, separate rooms, he has terrible habits so it’s better for all.

I typed out a very long response below. I think I was triggered by something you wrote that I used to say to myself. Anyway, this reply isn't 100% directed at you, but rather my thought and another perspective on the matter. TL;DR - I was in your shoes at one point and staying sometimes sucks more than leaving for the majority, but it is usually the most difficult choice for YOU to make as the initiator.


"It is better for all."

How do you really know what is better? It is better for everyone to stay miserable and married for the next 16 years because of school? Suppose your child graduates, has a wonderful career, and meets their future spouse. Now future spouse has to work with disarmingthe emotionally stunted child that never observed authentic intimacy, so that child will never be an adult able to give what you sacrificed in your marriage to their children? They don't have intimacy and explode in response to it, isolating from loved ones. Intimacy isn't found in hugs and back pats. It is in the grit and the glue of a marriage and vulnerability. If you do not have it, you cannot fake it. You cannot mimick it. And it feels intrusive. Is it better to not give up 3000 square feet, and short change another generation in emotional well being, by creating what you were too afraid to walk away from? (I asked these questions of myself at one point)

Or maybe it isn't better for "everyone" when at some point, one of the repressed spouses/parents begins actively deflecting pain and stress in other, unhealthy outlets. Drinking, adultery, gambling, addiction to other negative outlets. Perhaps the spouse becomes a cheater, exposes "all" of us to sexually transmitted infections, or a resulting pregnancy. Or worse, the offending spouse becomes empowered by the inaction, and aggressive enough to throw a ball in your face, smirk at the redness, like a 10-year old child in a vindictive low shot dodge ball game, and stare down your hurt without remorse or regret. Is that really better than 50% custody? Is it better when your children watch you cower and cry, and become angry and bully the child in their class, trying to make sense of it all, until they are suspended and it hits your pockets? Until you lose every sense of self that brought you to love in the first place, is it better then? When their drawings no longer give you joy, when you look past their imaginative play and want to melt into nothingness to escape from the depression, agony, and pain.

I am sorry, love, but what is easy is not always better, and is often more painful than what is difficult. If your spouse is an alcoholic that will not treat their illness, the truth hurts but it is better to walk away, and have the judge order a breathalyzer on the car before s/he drives your child anywhere. Your children are safer, and you are saner than if you are 100% the default parent, without love, ridden with guilt. For material comforts, really. The truth really does hurt because it requires integrity - which requires growth - which is usually uncomfortable.

Sometimes "sucking it up" is being stuck in your fear, and assuming it is for everyone's benefit that you remain stagnant, delaying the inevitable, or creating a different monster of martyrdom we should all bow to. This sounds very insensitive, but I can only speak with this authority and conviction because i have walked in its reign and conquered it. I understand the intention is good, and the selfless giving is strong, and the respect is feared. But the LOVE is not real. YOUR FEAR IS NOT greater than LOVE. Life is very empty without love, even if it is between a parent in child, or two neighbors. We were made to connect, with our free will. Why allow anything to create a barrier to your fulfillment, and your children's right to fulfillment in life, and even your spouse's fulfillment. No one is getting 100% of their desires met anyway. Everyone's capacity for love is different and that is okay. There is enough trouble in the world than to repress love and commit to a 20-year plan of waiting for death. It makes me sad thinking about it.

No, for me, I chose to face my pain directly, look it in the eye, expose the lie, and watch it's power and control over my consciousness diminish and morph into light. Thanks, mom and dad. I hope others are strong enough to get that lesson too with gratitude. It is a hard one but it certainly empowers you in remarkable ways.

I too was afraid of leaving a child in 50% of another adult's care. Then I realized - fear of a possibility was deciding for me. The possibility of difficult change worked to keep me from a higher probability of positive change. I was willing to stay with the devil I knew: tolerating the aggression, the physical intimidation, the distrust and demeaning overtures, the blatant disrespect, lies and manipulative tactics to disadvantage me, the barriers to my empowerment, growth, and happiness and the clear restrictions on areas of my personal power and control.

My spouse's smug satisfaction that seemed to come from witness to my pain kept me frozen and insecure; it affirmed all of the lies that I had chosen to believe about myself. As life went on around me, life died within me. I decided, who cares if the most dreadful thing happens? Is it really so bad? So what if he has 50%? So WHAT if it is hard? This is hard too! So WHAT if it means I could lose everything? We all are born into and depart from this world naked and without possessions. I trusted this spouse enough to build 50% of my child's DNA, and I trust that they can care for 50% of the time for the next X years.

That was really hard to come to terms with. But it was critical for a healthy, supportive exit. I took my 50% and was willing to gladly take his 50%. I also focused on the reminder that protections were built into the "justice" system for my child, against both my spouse and me. Counselors, therapists, police, social workers, they all had the disadvantaged at heart. Ultimately, if my child's safety were truly challenged or threatened, the child would be safe, there was a vast social network through family and friends for support too. I was not completely alone. Identifying new networks for my child, though it looked different to me because i never had a model for it, it helped me that let go of fear. I offered 50/50 custody as afraid and terrified of the worst but determined to give my best 50% and more if I could. Behold, I received sole custody without asking for it. The non-custodial parent takes their child much less than 25% of the time.

It wasn't staying, but rather divorcing as the best thing I did for everyone else, but it was the absolute hardest thing to do for myself. It was marital suicide, and I lost a part of myself in that process. Things got much worse before they got much better. Ultimately, divorce was the healthiest choice that promoted love in everyone's life, and made living differently more joyful. He is still as disenchanted and disillusioned as he has always been, but perhaps a stronger parent since they have to be on the job 100% of the time, and a bit more respectful of me after leaving him; the children are receiving 100% attention from each of us, I am much more fun as a mom when the tupperware containers are organized to my liking and I play whatever music I want. My children are really tuned into their emotions, and have become wonderful support systems for their friends going through crisis; They love in their own way, independently, take risks but are also wise and stable, and can identify destructive patterns, energy, coping mechanisms and establish healthy boundaries; my children have many advocates for their success, more than if we kept all of our family problems cocooned under our roof of horror. The stench of the death in that marriage made the entire structure rot. Requiring family counseling helped with changes from puberty, to dating, to death, or just having a neutral safe place for the children that respected their privacy too, in the new rearranged family structure with our living in different homes and completely divorced.

It sounds kind of tough in parts, because it is. The truth really does hurt. But it also disinfects, and heals, and allows for integrity, and strength, and truly what is best to remain without threat. I hope that every family finds the unique path that really does the greatest good for all. Sometimes new paths can open, or we can lose opportunities to acess the path because of poor decision-making, so timing is critical.

So. When you ask how does this play out long term - I would say, it depends on so much, much more than what you have shared here. But mostly, how this plays out depends on whether your children are exposed to healthy loving homes of integrity, whether one marital home or two split homes. There are many versions of a family, and we all have the free will to structure it in a way that provides the most stable foundation for children and also for us as their sole provider. Only you really know what the right answer is for you and your family. I chose to leave my spouse, and rearrange our family structure, to allow for the growth we will all need long term. The problems are different, but they are manageable and solving them becomes empowering which is a good thing. We are much better functioning now, and the pain is much less for all, just different, but bearable and we continue to grow through life with gratitude.

Your experience and mileage may vary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my actual marriage.

Mine too - but we sleep in the same bed. It is as Dan Savage call it, a companionate marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"It is better for all."

How do you really know what is better? It is better for everyone to stay miserable and married for the next 16 years because of school? Suppose your child graduates, has a wonderful career, and meets their future spouse. Now future spouse has to work with disarmingthe emotionally stunted child that never observed authentic intimacy, so that child will never be an adult able to give what you sacrificed in your marriage to their children? They don't have intimacy and explode in response to it, isolating from loved ones.

This is a really bizarre view of how humans work and love works. Your kids just need you to provide stability and steadiness so they can develop themselves, they don't need you to provide an example of "authentic intimacy" by running around dating other people in your search for love. I don't think kids really give a shit how you get along with their two parents get along as long as its not creating fighting or disruption in the house. They do very much care about having to deal with step-parents all of a sudden, and they are definitely not thrilled to see one of their parents suddenly experiencing "authentic intimacy" with a strange new person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sound like my marriage, except we sleep in the same bed without touching. It’s pretty insane. Oh, and we spent so a family thing together on the weekends because his anxiety (which manifests as anger) makes him so miserable to be around.

Why do I stay? Because our kid is 6 and DH is SO moody and so angry all the time that I can’t sentence my kid to 50% of his time outside school alone with someone who gives him the silent treatment or rages at him. When he gets like that now, I try to clear us out of the house.

It’s miserable but I honestly don’t know what else I can do. I lived with a raging, moody, unpredictable mother. He was nothing like this when we dated. But it’s been years now and has y gotten better. I don’t want to live like this and I know it’s not good, but I feel like I’m choosing the least worst of two very bad options. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I mean, has it occurred to you that DH is moody and angry because he’s trapped in this dysfunctional “marriage” where he shares a bed with a roommate and probably gets no sex. Willing to bet that despite that he also gets questioned on his whereabouts and doings and everything else. What’s NOT to be moody about!!

That guy above has ASD. 100%.
You do not leave a young kid, tween, or teen (or grandkid) with him for long. Would drive a kid nuts and be physically unsafe due to accident prone nature. No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have one DS, age 4. DH and I have separate bedrooms and do separate things when DS is asleep. We eat all meals together. On weekends, we do a family activity day: museum, zoo, climbing gym, etc. and we alternate the other weekend day. DH are somewhat physically affectionate to each other in front of DS: back oats, brief hugs. How does something like this play out long-term? So far DS hasn't asked any questions. We don't plan on getting a divorce or moving out until DS it's in his 20s or maybe not at all because we will be very old and tired by then.

It turned out my husband has aspergers. First I thought he was just passive aggressive and had no common sense, then I thought maybe ADHD and anger issues, and finally, he got tested. No ADHd, just autism and a few comorbid issues. Now am stuck with a 5 and 7 yo and need to protect the kids- from all his accidents, lack of care, and possible rage. It sux. But yes, separate rooms, he has terrible habits so it’s better for all.

I typed out a very long response below. I think I was triggered by something you wrote that I used to say to myself. Anyway, this reply isn't 100% directed at you, but rather my thought and another perspective on the matter. TL;DR - I was in your shoes at one point and staying sometimes sucks more than leaving for the majority, but it is usually the most difficult choice for YOU to make as the initiator.


"It is better for all."

How do you really know what is better? It is better for everyone to stay miserable and married for the next 16 years because of school? Suppose your child graduates, has a wonderful career, and meets their future spouse. Now future spouse has to work with disarmingthe emotionally stunted child that never observed authentic intimacy, so that child will never be an adult able to give what you sacrificed in your marriage to their children? They don't have intimacy and explode in response to it, isolating from loved ones. Intimacy isn't found in hugs and back pats. It is in the grit and the glue of a marriage and vulnerability. If you do not have it, you cannot fake it. You cannot mimick it. And it feels intrusive. Is it better to not give up 3000 square feet, and short change another generation in emotional well being, by creating what you were too afraid to walk away from? (I asked these questions of myself at one point)

Or maybe it isn't better for "everyone" when at some point, one of the repressed spouses/parents begins actively deflecting pain and stress in other, unhealthy outlets. Drinking, adultery, gambling, addiction to other negative outlets. Perhaps the spouse becomes a cheater, exposes "all" of us to sexually transmitted infections, or a resulting pregnancy. Or worse, the offending spouse becomes empowered by the inaction, and aggressive enough to throw a ball in your face, smirk at the redness, like a 10-year old child in a vindictive low shot dodge ball game, and stare down your hurt without remorse or regret. Is that really better than 50% custody? Is it better when your children watch you cower and cry, and become angry and bully the child in their class, trying to make sense of it all, until they are suspended and it hits your pockets? Until you lose every sense of self that brought you to love in the first place, is it better then? When their drawings no longer give you joy, when you look past their imaginative play and want to melt into nothingness to escape from the depression, agony, and pain.

I am sorry, love, but what is easy is not always better, and is often more painful than what is difficult. If your spouse is an alcoholic that will not treat their illness, the truth hurts but it is better to walk away, and have the judge order a breathalyzer on the car before s/he drives your child anywhere. Your children are safer, and you are saner than if you are 100% the default parent, without love, ridden with guilt. For material comforts, really. The truth really does hurt because it requires integrity - which requires growth - which is usually uncomfortable.

Sometimes "sucking it up" is being stuck in your fear, and assuming it is for everyone's benefit that you remain stagnant, delaying the inevitable, or creating a different monster of martyrdom we should all bow to. This sounds very insensitive, but I can only speak with this authority and conviction because i have walked in its reign and conquered it. I understand the intention is good, and the selfless giving is strong, and the respect is feared. But the LOVE is not real. YOUR FEAR IS NOT greater than LOVE. Life is very empty without love, even if it is between a parent in child, or two neighbors. We were made to connect, with our free will. Why allow anything to create a barrier to your fulfillment, and your children's right to fulfillment in life, and even your spouse's fulfillment. No one is getting 100% of their desires met anyway. Everyone's capacity for love is different and that is okay. There is enough trouble in the world than to repress love and commit to a 20-year plan of waiting for death. It makes me sad thinking about it.

No, for me, I chose to face my pain directly, look it in the eye, expose the lie, and watch it's power and control over my consciousness diminish and morph into light. Thanks, mom and dad. I hope others are strong enough to get that lesson too with gratitude. It is a hard one but it certainly empowers you in remarkable ways.

I too was afraid of leaving a child in 50% of another adult's care. Then I realized - fear of a possibility was deciding for me. The possibility of difficult change worked to keep me from a higher probability of positive change. I was willing to stay with the devil I knew: tolerating the aggression, the physical intimidation, the distrust and demeaning overtures, the blatant disrespect, lies and manipulative tactics to disadvantage me, the barriers to my empowerment, growth, and happiness and the clear restrictions on areas of my personal power and control.

My spouse's smug satisfaction that seemed to come from witness to my pain kept me frozen and insecure; it affirmed all of the lies that I had chosen to believe about myself. As life went on around me, life died within me. I decided, who cares if the most dreadful thing happens? Is it really so bad? So what if he has 50%? So WHAT if it is hard? This is hard too! So WHAT if it means I could lose everything? We all are born into and depart from this world naked and without possessions. I trusted this spouse enough to build 50% of my child's DNA, and I trust that they can care for 50% of the time for the next X years.

That was really hard to come to terms with. But it was critical for a healthy, supportive exit. I took my 50% and was willing to gladly take his 50%. I also focused on the reminder that protections were built into the "justice" system for my child, against both my spouse and me. Counselors, therapists, police, social workers, they all had the disadvantaged at heart. Ultimately, if my child's safety were truly challenged or threatened, the child would be safe, there was a vast social network through family and friends for support too. I was not completely alone. Identifying new networks for my child, though it looked different to me because i never had a model for it, it helped me that let go of fear. I offered 50/50 custody as afraid and terrified of the worst but determined to give my best 50% and more if I could. Behold, I received sole custody without asking for it. The non-custodial parent takes their child much less than 25% of the time.

It wasn't staying, but rather divorcing as the best thing I did for everyone else, but it was the absolute hardest thing to do for myself. It was marital suicide, and I lost a part of myself in that process. Things got much worse before they got much better. Ultimately, divorce was the healthiest choice that promoted love in everyone's life, and made living differently more joyful. He is still as disenchanted and disillusioned as he has always been, but perhaps a stronger parent since they have to be on the job 100% of the time, and a bit more respectful of me after leaving him; the children are receiving 100% attention from each of us, I am much more fun as a mom when the tupperware containers are organized to my liking and I play whatever music I want. My children are really tuned into their emotions, and have become wonderful support systems for their friends going through crisis; They love in their own way, independently, take risks but are also wise and stable, and can identify destructive patterns, energy, coping mechanisms and establish healthy boundaries; my children have many advocates for their success, more than if we kept all of our family problems cocooned under our roof of horror. The stench of the death in that marriage made the entire structure rot. Requiring family counseling helped with changes from puberty, to dating, to death, or just having a neutral safe place for the children that respected their privacy too, in the new rearranged family structure with our living in different homes and completely divorced.

It sounds kind of tough in parts, because it is. The truth really does hurt. But it also disinfects, and heals, and allows for integrity, and strength, and truly what is best to remain without threat. I hope that every family finds the unique path that really does the greatest good for all. Sometimes new paths can open, or we can lose opportunities to acess the path because of poor decision-making, so timing is critical.

So. When you ask how does this play out long term - I would say, it depends on so much, much more than what you have shared here. But mostly, how this plays out depends on whether your children are exposed to healthy loving homes of integrity, whether one marital home or two split homes. There are many versions of a family, and we all have the free will to structure it in a way that provides the most stable foundation for children and also for us as their sole provider. Only you really know what the right answer is for you and your family. I chose to leave my spouse, and rearrange our family structure, to allow for the growth we will all need long term. The problems are different, but they are manageable and solving them becomes empowering which is a good thing. We are much better functioning now, and the pain is much less for all, just different, but bearable and we continue to grow through life with gratitude.

Your experience and mileage may vary.

Unless your partner had ASD (ie aspergers or autism), I wouldn’t comment what you did for the PPP. At all. Does not apply and coparenting and his parenting time would be a nightmare and total liability.

[Anonymous]

Fyi- Long post poster got sole custody. Unclear how or why, but renders a mentally muted coparent moot.

[Anonymous]

Goodness... why not just live honestly?

Hubby and I are in the midst of separating. I'm scared, but I can't live a lie in front of my child (she's only 6 months btw). Would life (in some ways) be easier if married? Yes. Could buy a bigger home, share expenses, etc. But in 20 years I don't want to look back on my life and regret staying.

My parents divorced, I see it as my mom set an example: if someone doesn't treat you right, leave.

His parents had an even more dysfunctional marriage and his mother was very submissive. Father was abusive, controlling. Hubby is not a bad person but the learned behaviors from his father is a large part of why we are splitting.